Lord of the Far Island (30 page)

weren no good trying to stop Miss Silva when she were set on doing something. Her were like a wild pony. There were no reasoning with her.

omething must have happened to make her want to leave so hurriedly.

were so.

hat, Slack? You must know.

He was silent for a moment.

he was my sister,I went on. ust think of that. We had the same father, though different mothers. We should have been brought up together.

er weren like you, Miss Ellen. There couldn have been two ladies who was so different.

certainly wouldn have gone out to sea on a stormy night.

er came to me afore her left. She fed the pigeons with me just as you be doing now. Fluttering round us they were, making their lovely cooing noises, and she said to me: lack, I be going away. I be going to some place where Il be happy as I never could be here.

h Slack, do you think that she was so unhappy that she deliberately went out like that?

He was thoughtful. er gave me something, Miss Ellen. Her said: eep these, Slack. Someone might want them someday. Perhaps I will myself if it don all go according to plan.

hat did she give you?

l show e.

He took me into the outhouse and in the cupboard there was a box. He took a key from his pocket and opened it. Inside were two notebooksxercise books like the one I had found in the desk.

A great excitement seized me. Could it be that these exercise books held the clue to Silva disappearance? I held out my hand but Slack was regarding me in a puzzled fashion.

were to hold m,he said.

nd not show them to anyone?

er didn quite say that.

ave you read them?

He shook his head. hey be too much for me, Miss Ellen. I can read only little words. Her was frightened frightened of someone in the castle. I reckon it in here.

lack,I begged, et me read them.

been pondering,he said. have said: how m to Miss Ellen.And Il tell e this, Ie been on the point of doing that time and time again. Then when you said about the sugar it was as though Miss Silva spoke to me. et her read m, Slack. Might be theyl be of help to her.

He put the books into my hands.

shall go to my room and read them immediately,I said. hank you, Slack.

hope I be doing right,he said uneasily.

shall never forget what might have happened to me but for you,I told him earnestly.

aster Jago were there, were he not? He just happened to be there. I be mighty glad I were there too.

I did not think about what he meant by that until later. I was so excited about the exercise books, and lost no time in going to my room and shutting myself in there.

It was still the same scrawly untidy handwriting though a little more mature than that in the first exercise book.

found that notebook I wrote in years ago and it made me laugh and cry a bit. It brought it all back so clearly and I thought it would have been interesting if I had written more of it and had a whole stack of such notes, recording my life, my miserable uneventful life. Those were good days in a way when my stepmother was here with Baby, and when they went I was terribly lonely. At first I thought my father might have liked me a little more if there was no competition. How wrong I was! Of course I was a difficult child. Governesses came and went. They always said the same. They despaired of me. What I do remember from those days was my father sending for me.

t was soon after my stepmother had gone. I must have been about fourteen. I remember how excited I had been when the summons came. I had let myself imagine that he was going to tell me he loved me after all and we were going to be friends from now on. It amazing what pictures the imagination will conjure up without having any sound reason for doing so. I saw myself in his study, toasting muffins on winter evenings or sitting on a footstool at his feet while we talked. I could hear the servants whisper: here nobody who can soothe him like Miss Silva. The moment he comes in you know he going to shout: here Miss Silva?

hat a silly little thing I was. As if my stepmother going would have softened a nature like his. The reality was that I stood before him, my hopes blighted by his withering gaze. My best dressrushed-strawberry color with a matching sash which I had thought so becomingeemed to hang on me awkwardly. I was seeing myself through his eyes. All he wanted to tell me was that my latest governess had given notice and he didn feel inclined to engage another, and if I wanted to be ignorant, which I obviously did and was, I could continue so. I was lazy, stupid, useless and he was going to wash his hands of me. He wondered why he had bothered to do as much as he had. But as he could not allow people to know that he had a little savage in his household he had decided, after long consideration, to engage a new governess, and if he had any complaints from her, she would be the last.

returned in abject misery, but I reminded myself: At least he had actually sent for me and talked to me. I didn remember when he had done that before. Then it occurred to me that if I worked hard and tried to be the sort of daughter he could be proud of he might, in time, grow to love me. It was a comfort and my imagination was my friend because it started to supply those cozy scenes for me to brood on. He and I together on the mainland doing business. y daughter? She is my right hand.y daughter Silva, yes, she is growing into a most attractive girl.arriage. Oh, I hope not yet. I don want to lose her. I shall insist that if she does marry, her husband lives in the castle.

ow stupid can one be! I knew in my heart it was never going to be like that.

ut those days when I lived between ridiculous dreams of personal glory and the depth of depression, when I hated everyone, and most of all myself, are past and I wasting time writing about them, because I can only write in retrospect and I probably not giving the real picture, which can only be seen clearly at the time it happens.

There was a blank page and I guessed she had abandoned the idea of writing for a while and continued later. The girl she had been in those days was the one who, finding herself confined in her room, would have scratched am a prisoner hereon the wall of the cupboard. She had been a prisoner because she had been shut in by her own nature, I guessed; but perhaps those about her had helped to make her what she was.

The writing began again.

here is nowhere one can go without being aware of him. Since my father stroke he has taken over completely. Of course he was always there and people were more aware of him than they ever were of my father. He just has to command people and they obey him. They have to. My father was not like that. He would get angry with them and be vindictive too. He never forgave anyone who did him an injury. Jago isn like that. I don think anyone would dare do him an injury, so one couldn really know how long he would bear resentment.

esterday I was in the rose garden picking roses when Jago came to me. I turned suddenly and he was beside me. He always seems now as though he is assessing me and that makes me nervous.

e said: y sister Jenifry is coming to the castle with her little daughter. Theyl be company for you.

re they going to live here?I asked.

tl be their home. Youl like that.

ago has a way of telling you what you are going to like and almost daring you not to.

hat does my father say?I asked, because I always wanted to know what my father was saying and doing. The only time I saw him was when he was at his window and I was in the gardens. I look up hopefully but he was always turning away then. I would see Fenwick pushing him about in his bath chair. I always had to keep out of the way then, and if he did catch sight of me he would behave as though I were invisible to him. I can feel the hot tears coming to my eyes now when I remember such times. I always wanted to shout out to him: hat have I done? Tell me that

enwick was always very discreet. Jago said that my father couldn do without Fenwick, nor Fenwick without my father.

ow I am eagerly awaiting the coming of Jago sister and his niece.

Another blank page which indicated that some time had passed.

Then: wennol is about eight. She is bright and pretty. Baby would be about her age. I took a dislike to Jenifry. I think she resents my being the daughter of the house. The idea of anyone being jealous of me is comic! But she is always trying to push Gwennol forward. Not that she need worry. Gwennol is so much more attractive than I could ever be. I glad theye here though. Gwennol shares my governess. She is much brighter than I ever was.

hy did I start this writing? There nothing to write about really. Every day is like another. I shan do it any more.

There was no more writing in that book although there were many blank pages. I picked up the second.

was clearly not meant to be a diarist My life is so dull and I getting old now. Most girls have parties and eligible men around them. My father, I have been told, has said that he will not waste money on bringing me out. Jenifry sees that Gwennol has a certain social life. She has become quite friendly with Michael Hydrock, who is the most eligible bachelor in the neighborhood. Gwennol is excited by the fact that he has been particularly nice to her.

he came to my room last night. She had just been rowed back from the mainland. Her eyes were bright and there was a lovely flush in her cheeks which goes beautifully with her dark hair.

t was a sort of garden party at the Manor,she said. h, what a beautiful house; peacocks on the lawn and that lovely lovely house. I hate this old castle. Don you, Silva?

es,I said. t too full of the past. When I go near the dungeons I fancy I hear the screams of souls in torment.

You would,said Gwennol. eople must have laughed here and been gay sometimes. There must have been feasting and revelry in the hall. Why do ghosts always have to be horrible? Why can they be nice like the ghost of Hydrock Manor? A benign old gentleman who says people have to be happy in the house. Michael told me the story today. It applies particularly to brides.

oue in love with him,I said.

verybody in love with him.

hat must make life a bit complicated for him.

hy? Wouldn it be nice to have everyone in love with you?

s not one single person has ever been in love with me, I can say.

he said: oor Silva! I going to take you to Hydrock Manor. You know, you might meet someone there.

t night and I can sleep. There is something about this room which I don like. It seems full of shadows. Perhaps because Ie been so unhappy in it. Somebody said once: Life is what you make it. If that true, Ie made a very bad thing of mine.

sitting at my desk writing. It no use lying in bed when you can sleep. I have just been to the cupboard and seen that silly childish scrawl. I wish I could obliterate it. I remember the day I wrote it. Sent to my room for two days and nights because I had committed some crime. I can even recall what now.

introspective tonight and because of Gwennol. Gwennol is in love and watching her has shown me clearly what has been wrong in my life. No one ever loved mexcept perhaps my mother and when she died there was absolutely no one else. That what I want more than anythingust someone to love me. Because nobody does, I do wild things. I suddenly lose my temper and scream. I just want someone to hate me if they won love me. At least theye taking notice of me then.

thinking of Jago as I write this. He has changed towards me. He is being very kind. Not that he was unkind before. He just didn notice me. Two days ago he rode round the Island with me and talked about things in that way he hass though it just about the most important thing in the world.

was excited when we came back to the castle. Why is Jago suddenly becoming interested in me?

esterday Fenwick was in the garden sitting on the wicker seat by the pond. I went up to him because it is unusual to see him without my father.

here is my father today?I asked.

e having a day in bed, Miss Silva.

Is heess well?

e a very sick man, Miss Silva.

know he had a stroke some time ago.

t crippled him and now

sorry,I said. wish he would see me.

enwick shook his head. on come to his room whatever you do, Miss. That would just about finish him, the state he in now.

o you know why he hates me so?I asked.

e shrugged his shoulders.

suppose he wanted a son,I suggested. ost people seem to.

aybe he did,said Fenwick. ut he not one for children.

enwick was anxious, I could see. I wondered whether he was asking himself what he would do if my father died. My father couldn do without Fenwick, as Jago had said. But what would Fenwick do without my father?

wouldn say this to anyone, but I can write it. Oh, how careful I shall have to be with these notebooks. It a good thing no one is interested in what I do. I think Jago is contemplating asking me to marry him.

I put down the notebook. I didn want to read about Silva and Jago. It was prying into his life and hers. Well, I had already done the latter. What I really felt, I suppose, was that I was going to read something which I was not going to like.

Jago and Silva! I hadn thought of that.

I stared at the book in my hand. I shouldn be reading this. Why had Slack given it to me? Why had Silva given the books to Slack?

There must be a reason.

met him today. I went over to the mainland and he came to the inn. He is so distinguished and handsome. I couldn believe he could be interested in me. We had wine and saffron cakes and we talked so much. Why didn we hire horses and go riding together, he said.

hat a day it was! We had a snack at the Corn Dolly Inn. A beautiful romantic place with those lovely Stonen Chills on the table and the corn dollies hanging about the place. Cider and pasties. I had never known them taste so good.

e said: e must do this again.

s it possible to be in love so soon?

She is in love with Michael Hydrock, I thought. Was he in love with her? Or was he merely being his charming, courteous self? Oh poor Silva. I hope she was not badly hurt.

I turned the pages.