Losing Control (16 page)

She swallowed loudly. “Crystal.”

Getting up from his lap, she felt cold. This was a side of him that did scare her. She knew that it wasn’t directed at her, but jealously brought out a side of him she didn’t like and it worried her. The job she had was the job she had. And now with Money Bags, who knew what was going to happen. But if he was going to lay it all out, then so was she.

“Let’s get something else straight. You get shot at, I want to know. I don’t want to be kept in the dark. I don’t know how your other women have dealt with this, but I do better when I know what the fuck is going on. Don’t think I’m not strong enough to handle it.”

Turning from the living room, she went into the bedroom and grabbed a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt before going to the bathroom. She cranked on the shower and waited for the hot water heater to kick in. While she did, she took her shirt off and breathed a sigh of relief when she undid her bra and let her shoulders relax.
Now
she could be comfortable. After completely disrobing, she knew that the shower would be as warm as it was going to get. Climbing in, she let the hot water run over her back and arms. She’d only be in there for a few minutes when she heard the curtain be pushed back and felt the warmth of Jagger’s body pressed against hers. His hands went to her hips, his long fingers pressing against her pelvic bones to turn her around.

“You left before I could be completely honest with you,” he whispered, burying his head in her neck.

“With what?” Her mouth was dry. Had he killed someone tonight, was he going to have the cops at her door in the morning?

“There hasn’t ever been another woman that I’ve been in a relationship with like this. No other woman ever wanted to know what I was doing because none of them cared about me, Jagger. They cared about the motorcycle, the cut, and the badass attitude. You see right through it, B, and it scares the absolute
shit
out of me. You really do care about
me
.”

She knew exactly what that had taken out of him to admit to her. He was a lot like her, playing everything close to their chests so that they didn’t have to put themselves out there for other people.

Silently she slipped her arms around his waist and pulled him close. They stood there holding each other until the water ran cold.

Chapter Twenty-One

“I
could get used to this. With you here, I’m not cold.”

Jagger laughed. The two of them were lying on her couch, watching reruns of
The Big Bang Theory
. He had laid down first and opened his arms for her. With only a little bit of hesitation, she had fallen into those arms and pulled a blanket over them. For over an hour, she had snuggled so tightly against him that he didn’t know where he ended and she began. If asked, he might even say that this would be a defining moment of his life.

“That’s all I am to you? A heater?” He put his hand over his heart. “You wound me.”

Moving her head to the side so that she could look at him, the grin that came over her face was contagious. “Speaking of wounding you, when did you take that picture to put on my phone?”

He cracked up in earnest now, laughing so hard she could feel his abdominal muscles contract. “I was wondering when you would see that. You didn’t have a picture of me on there so Layne took one of me for you.”

“Why were you T-Swifting in it?” she asked, laughing along with him.

“Isn’t that the popular thing to do for young couples in love?”

Shock blanketed her face. Was he being serious? He was in love with her?

“Relax.” He cupped her face. “I’m not confessing my everlasting love for you right now. It was just an expression.”

She opened her mouth and closed it. “Okay. I mean, I don’t want you to think that I don’t care about you, but I’ve
never
thrown around the world ‘love’,” she explained.

“Either way, I just thought it would be cute. Layne gave me a bunch of shit for being lame.”

Running her hand through his hair, she pulled his mouth down to hers. She kissed him twice before pulling away. “Well thank you for being lame for me.”

“Damn, you thought it was lame too?”

“Nooo.” She drew her head back from his. “What would be lame is if you brought your guitar over and serenaded me with a song guaranteed to make you get lucky.”

“Is there a list of those songs somewhere?” he asked dryly. “Because I would gladly memorize those chords and sing those lyrics.”

“Hello, I just said that would make you lame.”

He flipped her over so that she faced him. “I think you’re subconsciously telling me this because you
want
me to do it. I’m on to you, B.” He ran his hands down her sides and gripped her hips.

“Maybe I’ll make you a list sometime.” She winked, entangling her leg with his.

Clearing his throat, he gestured to the TV. “We were watching a show here.”

“We were, but I like talking to you a lot more,” she confessed, hooking her foot along the back of his calf.

“So what, my dear, do you want to talk about?” he asked, pushing the hair back from her forehead.

She wracked her brain. What did she want to know about him? Already he had told her a little bit about his parents, but she craved to know more. In actuality, she wanted to know everything about him.

“What was your first car?” she blurted, surprising even herself. Out of all the things she wanted to know, that was the first thing that had come to mind.

“A late model Honda. That movie
The Fast and The Furious
had just come out. Everyone wanted a rice burner, and it just so happened I worked enough the summer I turned 16 to be able to get one.”

Tucking her hand under her chin, she gazed up at him. “Did it make you popular?”

“Oh fuck yeah,” he grinned. His gaze became soft and unfocused, obviously taking him back to another time. “Every girl in school wanted to be with me. Not just because I had my own car, but because I fixed it up. It was fast, and I drag raced it out on Highway 185.”

“What happened to it?”

He grimaced. “Got drunk one night and wrapped the damn thing around a tree. I’m lucky to be alive. Don’t ask me why I tempt fate riding motorcycles. That’s the first thing my Mom said to me when I told her I was goin’ to prospect for Heaven Hill.”

Her fingertips lightly ran against the soft fabric of his t-shirt. “Did it change your life?”

“The wreck or the motorcycle?”

That caught her off guard, but it was a legitimate question. “Both, I guess.”

Jagger cleared his throat and tucked her head under his chin, wrapping his arms around her tightly. “The wreck changed a lot of things for me. I realized that I’m not invisible, and just because my parents told me not to do something didn’t mean I had to. I was faced with my own mortality. Which, I’m sure you know, as a teenager is the last thing on your mind.” He paused to collect his thoughts. “I’m really just glad and lucky that no one was with me. I’d had a date that night and had just dropped the girl off. She’d been drinkin’ too and her Dad tried to take my keys, but I was a dumb fucker back then.”

“How in the hell did you get into bikes?” she asked, her voice slow and lazy.

“My Dad, believe it or not. A couple of weeks after the wreck, I was bitchin’ about everything. I was pissed off that none of my ‘pussy brigade’ wanted to see me again; I was sick of sitting at home while everybody else went partying. That night, he rolled up with a bike on the back of his truck. Told me if I wanted to kill myself, I could damn well do it, but I would have to wait until I was 18.”

It all clicked in her head. “So that’s when you left. The day you turned 18, you left on the back of the bike he gave you.”

“Sure did…and I ain’t ever looked back.”

To look at him now, she wouldn’t think he was such a rebel. To her, he had always just been himself. Even in the first couple weeks of them knowing each other, she had been a little bit scared of him. His face was always so intense, and he always carried an air of authority about him. She imagined—scratch that—knew that when he got something in his head, he went for it. Without a doubt, that’s why they lay right where they were at this particular moment in time.

He coughed lightly, shifting so that he could gaze into her eyes. “So Bianca, tell me something about
you
.”

It was only fair to share, but this made her nervous. “What is it that you want to know?”

Her eyes took him in when he tipped his head back, deep in thought. He was quiet for so long, she thought that perhaps she wouldn’t have to actually say anything. She thought that maybe he had taken pity on her. “What’s the one thing in life you’re most scared of?”

Shit. Jagger had gone right for the jugular. No questions about her first car from this man who was so playful one minute and so serious the next. She wondered if she should just lie her way through this or be honest.

“Seriously?” Her eyebrow lifted, showing how she felt about his line of questioning.

“Hey, it’s not my fault you pussied out and asked me about my first car.”

He had her there. “Oh okay,” she huffed, blowing out a breath so deep that it moved her hair.

“No pressure and no judgment here. We’re two people trying to get to know each other and trying to make this new relationship work. We have to find stuff out about each other,” he reasoned.

Bianca knew he was right, but it didn’t make admitting her deepest, darkest fears any easier. “Everything,” she whispered.

“Care to pinpoint a couple of things?”

Tears sprang to her eyes, and for the first time, she gave voice to the things that nagged her conscious every day. “No, I’m serious. I’m scared of everything. I’m terrified that I’ll never finish school, I’ll never get out of this piece of shit apartment, I’ve never taken a vacation and I feel like I’ll never have the money for it, I’m worried that I won’t be a good teacher. Will I ever be a wife? Will I ever be a mother? Will I ever be something other than what I am right now?” She was almost hyperventilating as she finished.

“Believe me when I say this to you,” Jagger told her in a soft voice, trying to calm her down. His hands ran down her arms comfortingly, grasping her fingers tightly, forcing her to look at him. “You’re perfect to me. I like every weird nuance and quirk you have. You don’t have to change for me.”

Acceptance had never been important to her, but for some reason hearing him say those words allowed her to breathe easier. “You sure?” she asked, not believing that he could like her neurotic tendencies.

He laughed. “I’m very sure. You’re an enigma, Bianca Hawks. You act like such a badass, when really all you are is someone who worries about everything. It’s sweet, and I’m kind of glad to know you have these hang-ups. It makes me feel normal.”

With shaking hands, she clung tightly to his body. It felt good to be normal, even if normal was in the eye of the beholder. “You make me feel normal too. I know that it seems like we’re taking this at a snail’s pace and we’re doing everything ass backwards, but I’m glad you understand me.”

“Baby, I don’t understand a damn thing about you. I’m just lucky,” he deadpanned, catching her off guard and causing her to giggle.

She couldn’t tell if he was joking or not and maybe that’s what kept her coming back. That and the fact he never made her feel stupid for having a breakdown about the things that were important to her. Grinning, she leaned up, kissing him slowly on the lips.

“Then we’re both pretty lucky.”

“Yeah.” He bit his lip and dug his fingers into her hair. “I’m beginning to think that maybe we are.”

Chapter Twenty-Two