Losing It: A Collection of VCards (13 page)

My chest tightened, and my heart ached, because everything he’d said was true. I did abandon him when he’d needed me, and I hated myself for it. I wished I could take everything back.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“Sorry. You’re sorry? You took my life from me,” Josh said.

“I’ve told you this before: you would have died. I didn’t want you to die!”

Josh leaned against the bench and heaved a breath he didn’t need. “I think you should go.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Go!”

His voice flowed through me like a shockwave, vibrating my core until it hurt so much I thought I would explode into a million tiny pieces.

“I should never have come,” I whispered.

Josh raised his head and stared into my eyes. “No. You shouldn’t have.”

“I want to fix this,” I said. “I know you’re angry, and hurting. I am, too. But you have to believe me.”

Josh went to the back door and stared through the glass to the courtyard. “It doesn’t matter what I want. You have to be with me because you want to. Otherwise what’s the point?”

His black T-shirt stretched across his broad shoulders. I wanted to run my hands up his spine and feel the muscle beneath his skin. I took a couple of steps towards him, my heart beating in my ears.

“I don’t want what I did for you to be for nothing,” I said.

Josh’s shoulders shook, and my heart broke inside my chest.

When I reached him, I placed my hands on his back, running them up to his shoulders and down his arms. His skin was cold, but the familiar heat between us sparked. He turned and faced me, his cheeks stained with lines of blood tears. I rested my palms flat on his chest and Josh relaxed slightly under my touch.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

With one hand I reached up and wiped a tear away with my thumb, smearing blood under his eye.

“I’m so sorry I did this to you.”

Josh squeezed his eyes closed. “Sorry doesn’t change anything.”

He was right. But telling him I loved him wouldn’t change anything either.

I went to the kitchen and found a tea towel in the bottom drawer. After wetting it I returned to Josh, and he let me wash his tears. I avoided his stare and concentrated on what I was doing. If I looked at him, I was afraid he’d be able to see how scared I was.

He wanted me.

I’d always known he did, but did I want him? In that way?

Josh grabbed my wrist to stop me wiping his face. Still, I couldn’t look at him. He raised my chin with his finger, forcing me to stare into his eyes, and what I saw both excited and terrified me.

Sometimes I wished I didn’t have the ability to read minds. I’d never done what he wanted to do. I wasn’t sure of the consequences, if there would be any. Maybe it would be different because I was fallen. Maybe the rules didn’t apply to me anymore.

It wasn’t like I could fall again.

Josh leaned down and brushed my lips with his. I’d forgotten how gentle he could be. He let go of my wrist and the tea towel dropped to the floor. His hands pressed into my back, pulling me to him and closing the space between us. I locked my fingers behind his neck, and crushed my body to his.

Josh’s mind filled with thoughts that made me blush. I tried to block him out, but he was too close. Heat rose into my cheeks as he kissed me with more urgency. He flicked his tongue, exploring my mouth and making me moan. For a second, he pulled away, and losing the sensation of his mouth on mine was like losing a piece of me.

 I curled my fingers into Josh’s hair, and stared into his eyes. He found the edge of my top and slipped his hands underneath, his cold fingers tracing their way up my spine.

Did I want this?

Would I let him go as far as he wanted to?

I decided to stop thinking. The intimacy is what I’d missed since he’d left. And if I was selfish for wanting to feel something with him, then I didn’t care.

Maybe I didn’t have to tell him I loved him. Maybe I could show him.

I pulled Josh’s mouth back to mine, hungry for more.

“Grace,” Josh breathed.

“Don’t,” I said between kisses. “Don’t think about anything.”

He turned us around and pressed me against the glass doors, kissing me more deeply than he ever had before. When the image of his bed formed in his mind, I couldn’t deny what we both wanted. I surrounded us with my black mist and a second later we were in his room.

Josh pulled away and smiled, about to say something, but I pressed a finger to his lips before kissing him again. He fumbled with the button on my jeans, and then hooked his thumbs inside the waistband and the top of my panties. I helped him slide my clothes over my hips then I stepped out of them. He unbuckled his jeans, and they fell to the floor next to mine.

I’d never done this before, and my stomach rolled with nerves. I gripped Josh’s arms to stop my hands from shaking and stared into his eyes, focusing on his face.

I couldn’t look down. I was too afraid.

He pulled me close and guided me to the bed. We sat on the edge, our hands exploring each other. His touch was cold, but left trails of heat all over my body. I moulded my fingers around the hard muscles of his biceps, my palms burning against his cold skin. Josh grasped the hem of my top and I lifted my arms so he could pull it over my head.

His gaze wandered over my body, stopping at my chest, inspecting my black lace bra. He placed his hand over my heart, then ran his fingers up to my collarbone. His thumb caressed my neck and I tilted my head, my skin tingling beneath his touch.

Josh lifted me onto his lap and I stifled a surprised cry, feeling sensations in parts of my body I never knew existed. He gripped my hips and gently guided me into position. I didn’t take my gaze from his; I was afraid that if I did I’d break the magic between us.

When he lowered me onto him it hurt, but I couldn’t compare it to a cut or a wound. It was like pressure, as if our souls were attempting to combine, pushing against opposite sides of an invisible wall we wanted to come crashing down.

He touched every inch of my skin, as if he couldn’t get enough. I reached behind my back and unclipped my bra, letting it fall to the floor with the rest of our clothes. Josh’s fangs extended and he hissed. I rested my palm on his cheek and touched the tip of one fang with my thumb. Josh moaned and closed his eyes. I took his T-shirt off and gently pushed on his chest. He fell onto the bed, staring up at me with intense eyes.

I placed a hand either side of his head, leaning down to kiss him. He covered my mouth with his, twisting his fingers into my hair. His hands ran down my body, starting at my shoulders. They came to rest on my hips, and we moved in unison, fitting together like a lock and key. I didn’t think about what we were doing. I couldn’t allow myself thought, only feeling, and being touched in places no one had ever touched me before. It sent shivers through me, lighting up every nerve ending in my body until I thought I’d explode.

Josh traced a line up my back with his fingertips, and brushed over my wing scars. The overload of sensation made my wings burst free, and I arched my back, unable to contain my cry. He grabbed my hips. His fingers dug into my skin and he shuddered beneath me.

I collapsed onto Josh, nuzzling into his chest and covering us with my wings. He stroked my feathers, and I concentrated on the feeling of his hands running over them. When I lifted my head, Josh’s chest was wet with my tears. Their presence surprised me, and when I realised I was crying I couldn’t stop.

What had I done?

“I love you, Grace.” Josh ran his hand through my hair and cupped the back of my head. He pulled me to him and kissed me. I shivered, and my wings trembled. “Why are you crying?” he whispered, his breath caressing my lips.

I still couldn’t say it back.

I pulled away and sat up, covering my chest with my arms, wishing he wouldn’t look at me. I wrapped my wings around my body so he couldn’t see, and scrambled off the bed.

“Can I … have a minute?” I asked.

Josh frowned but didn’t question me. He got up and retrieved his clothes from the floor. He stopped in front of me and stared into my eyes. I read his mind which was full of conflicting thoughts, and something I hadn’t planned on giving him.
Hope.

I pulled my wings closer, wishing he’d leave so I could get dressed.

“I’ll be downstairs.” He kissed my forehead and left the room.

Once he was out of sight I retracted my wings, and picked up my clothing with shaky fingers. More tears lined my cheeks as I got dressed. I went into the bathroom to splash some water on my face in an attempt to calm down, but staring at my reflection only made it worse.

I leant on the vanity as a sob heaved its way out of my mouth. My shoulders shook, and I pressed the back of my hand to my lips to stifle my cries. In the moment, being with Josh had been amazing. In all my existence, I had never experienced anything like it. But it had been a mistake to make him think we wanted the same thing. It hadn’t been the right time, but I’d let it happen anyway.

Josh waited downstairs for me, but how could I follow him knowing I was about to break his heart again? How could I do that to both of us? The thought of misting home, leaving there and then, entered my mind. Running away and never looking back seemed like a good option. Still, I couldn’t do it.

I had to face him, no matter how painful it was.

I took a deep breath. The stairs creaked under my weight as I took each step slowly. Josh stood, staring out the glass door, standing in the same place I’d wiped his tears. I wondered if he’d be strong enough to wipe mine once I’d said what I needed to say.

He heard me coming and turned to face me. He shoved his hands deep into his pockets and hunched his shoulders. “You’re leaving.”

I pressed my lips together to stop them from trembling. “I can’t stay.”

“I know.” Josh stared at his feet. “You know where the door is.”

Silent tears rolled down my cheeks. I couldn’t move. How had we gotten here, where everything hurt so much?

Josh streaked past, rocking me on my feet, and opened the front door.

If I stayed, it would never work; not while I didn’t know where Seth was. But if I left … would I ever be able to come back to us? Or would there always be a cloud of betrayal hanging over our heads?

Reluctantly, I walked down the hallway and stopped in front of Josh. “You have no idea how much I want this to work—”

“But you can’t
make
it work, Grace. Please, I don’t want to hear your excuses.”

“How do we fix this?” I whispered.

“Sleeping together obviously didn’t help.”

I placed my hand on his chest, over his still heart, and the coolness of his skin penetrated the fabric of his T-shirt. “You said you wanted me to come back to you.”

Josh gripped my wrist and pulled my hand away. “Not like this…Not with
him
between us.”

“Then why did you let me do that with you, if you knew I was going to leave?”

Josh held the edge of the door and it splintered between his fingers. “Because I know it will never happen again. Believing you loved me for even a second is better than you never loving me at all.”

I stepped across the threshold into the cool night air. “I wish things could be different.”

“But they aren’t. Goodbye, Grace.” Josh slammed the door, and it was as if he’d grabbed my heart with his fist and squeezed.