Lost (38 page)

  I had one drink at home by myself, toasting in the New Year, of course thinking of Peter.  But instead of missing him, I wished him well, and I prayed he was safe in whatever life he was living.

  I said goodbye to the love of my life, and I crawled into bed alone.

CHAPTER 30

  Sleeping with Peter was always beautiful. 

  Making love with Peter was always an amazing experience filled with love, and pleasure, and a connection so deep between us, we were each other within the space between us.
  Peter and I learned how to move, what to do, and how to feel.  We learned each other until there was no longer thought, but mere reaction.  We learned each other so intimately, a gentle smile alone could announce all the expectation, love, and want between us.  And as I moved with him again, it was no different no matter how much time had passed between us.
  Moving against him, I knew how to arch, and how to breathe to experience the connection between us.  I knew how high I had to reach, and I knew how painful the reach would become until my ultimate release.  I knew how to push past the building intensity to reach the height of our love and pleasure together, and I was almost there.

Pushing a little further and breathing a little deeper, I writhed and moaned until the building intensity crested, and I lost myself to the release.
  Breathless, I came on a rush as my body arched and my mind caved to the pleasure.  Releasing with a fractured scream, I was boneless and replete.  But the intensity continued.
  Struggling to keep Peter away like he knew I always needed, he continued inside me.  Begging, I tried to breathe and speak but I wasn't able.  I was struggling for breath as the weight of Peter began to slowly suffocate me.
  Gasping, I tried to move my head but the weight continued to hold me down.  Shaking and crying out, I tried to move my hands, only to realize I was pushed flat into a pillow by my head.  Trapped, my arms were held tightly, one behind and one beneath me.
  I was drowning among the cotton and down and I couldn't get out.  Panicking, I fought as best as I could, but the force against me was too strong.  I was held down on my stomach with an arm lifting me under my waist, as my body throbbed and screamed with each thrust I endured.
    I was suffocating and unable to move the weight that crushed me, but I was aware.  Finally.
 

  “Please...” I begged but my words were muffled. “Help!” I cried as I struggled for breath.  But nothing changed.  The thrusting continued and the pain intensified. 

  My world began spinning as I gasped less and less air in my lungs.  My face was pushed nearly through the pillow into the mattress and I couldn't move from the weight holding me down.  I couldn't move away from the pain, and I couldn't move away from the reality that was crashing down all around me.
  This wasn't my Peter… and I had come for another man.
  Gagging, I cried out in repulsion as he continued.  Begging silently, I stopped all fight and waited for him to finish me.
  I had been alone in my beautiful dream, but I was not alone in my nightmare.  This was not Peter, and there was no Peter to save me.  In that quick horrible moment of understanding I thought to myself,
I didn't stay safe like Peter asked me t
o.
  I had failed Peter and I had failed myself.  I had failed, so I let go and waited for the end.
  When I woke up again I was on my back no longer struggling.  I woke up slowly and tried to see his eyes, but I couldn’t.  I was held down and I was hurt.  I could feel the ache all over me and inside me.  I was throbbing everywhere and there was nothing I could do.  I had become nothing more than pain as I woke, and I knew there was nothing left for me in that moment except closing my eyes and waiting for my death to take me.
  In that moment of nightmare panic I remember thinking for one split second
I hope this doesn't hurt
as I closed my eyes and waited for the pain.  But it did hurt. 
  I felt a lightning strike of pain rip through me, but luckily my mind stopped a second later.  My mind didn't register what was happening after that one moment of searing pain.  I didn't know what was happening to me, and I didn't care.  I was ready to stop.
  So I let go completely as I imagined Peter holding me tightly in his arms easing me through the pain.
 

                                             *****

  When I gasped awake I realized I wasn't alone still.  There was a man near me and another man across the room.  I wasn't alone and I screamed with everything I had to try to get away from them.
  Moving, and shaking, and fighting everything I could, I screamed and fought nothing at all.  Neither man moved, but they did speak.
  They spoke to me words I knew but couldn't understand.  They spoke to me until my mom held me in her arms, and then I let go again.
  Crying out, I was scared and disgusted and hallow.  I stared hard at the two men, wrapped in my mother’s arms, almost daring them to try to hurt me.  I stared and cried.  I was nothing but pain wrapped in a nightmare of misery.
 

  “Where's Peter?” I cried out.
  “Here's not here, Baby.  What do you mean?  Was he there?!” My mother gasped and cried.
  “He wasn't there!  Oh,
god
.  It wasn't Peter.  It wasn't Peter and I thought it was, and I came!  I came mommy, and I thought it was Peter!  Oh, god... Help me...I had an orgasm and it wasn't him!” I screamed as she hugged me tighter.
  “
Sophie. 
Stop!  Listen to me-”
  “I came.  I thought it was him and I thought we were together and I thought-” but I gagged. “I thought it was him inside me but it wasn’t.  And I came.  I was- I came with him because I thought it was Peter with me,” I moaned as I gagged again and cried. 
  Shaking and crying, I couldn't believe my reality in that moment.  Looking around, the 2 men still didn't move.  No one moved but me as I struggled to breathe.
  Begging my mom to understand, I whispered, “I didn't mean to.  I thought it was Peter...”
  “Ms. Morley, do you consent to a rape kit?” 

  I remember that sudden shock of reality so clearly when the man spoke.  I remember the word rape, and I remember the truth of that moment.  I had been raped, but I had enjoyed it.
  The man against the wall spoke as he scribbled notes down.  He spoke like he read the question he posed to me from his notebook.  He spoke like it was the most obvious question in the world.  He spoke like I was the most insignificant person in the world. 

  He asked me a question I was completely incapable of answering because I didn't understand a single word he said to me beyond the word
rape.
  “Ms. Morley, I'm Doctor Newman, and we'd like to help you.  Can you answer a few questions?” He asked even as I was shaking my head no.
  “Sophie... please.  Dr. Newman wants to help you but he has to do an exam so they can catch the person who hurt you,” my mom coaxed gently.
  But I wasn't stupid.  I knew what the exam would be like.  I knew he would see my shame, so I answered as best as I could.
  “I enjoyed it,” I spoke clearly, even as my mom flinched beside me.  “I'm a slut.  I'm sorry,” I almost cried but kept it together.
  “Sophie- you're confused, honey.  You didn't know what was happening.  Do you remember anything about-”
  “I remember
everything
about it,” I choked.
  “Ms. Morley, could you please answer a few questions,” the wall guy asked before finally introducing himself. “I’m Officer Sam Dolby and I'm the responding officer.  I'd like to ask you a few questions while the memories are still fresh.  Could you please answer a few questions?” He asked finally looking at me like I was actually a person.  He looked at me like I was significant and I finally felt like a person again, so I nodded.
  “Did you know your attacker?”
  “No.”
  “Are you sure?  Sometimes women may know their attacker but not realize it until much later.  Would you like a minute to think about it?”
  “No.  I didn't know him and I didn't see him, I don't think.  Do you know Peter Connor?” I asked suddenly.  I was suddenly given the potential to get answers from a cop and I jumped at the chance.
  “I don't believe so.  Was he your attacker?”
  Yelling, I couldn't hold in the revulsion. “No!  Absolutely not!  Peter would never do that to me, and it wasn't him.”
  “But you did believe he was there?”
  “Yes.  But not really.  I was confused and I had a dream, and I thought Peter was with me until after...” I faded out.
  Everything was spinning again, and I hurt everywhere.  Looking down at myself, I saw I was in a hospital gown and I saw my shoulder and arm wrapped up.  I saw what I looked like and I saw a little blood at the top of my gown.
  “What happened to me?”
  “You were attacked, Sophie,” my mom said gently.
  “I know.  But I mean what
happened
.  What's all this?”
  “Your shoulder was dislocated, but you suffered no series damage.  We were able to clean the facial wounds and stitch you closed around your temple,” Dr. Newman said beside my bed.
  “My shoulder was dislocated?” I asked kind of laughing a little.
  “Sophie...” my mom warned with a gentle tone.
  “I'm sorry.  But why dislocate my shoulder?  Isn't that weird?”  Though the question itself was weird and my calmness was weird, the whole thing seemed so weird to me, I couldn't help but ask anyway.
  “We believe you either moved at the last second, or the Perp heard your neighbor banging on your door and pulled your arm too hard from behind,” the officer said.
  The Perp?  I remember how funny that sounded.  The Perp- like on CSI again.  I was surrounded by TV watching Fucktards everywhere, which made me laugh. 

  Maybe my laughter seemed ridiculous, or stupid, or silly, but it made me feel better.  The fact that I could look at these people and laugh at their stupidity made me feel better.  I
was
better because I was still smart and together, while they were idiots who watched too much TV.
  “Ms. Morley.  I still have some questions for you.  I'd like to get an accurate description of the Perp,” he said again as I laughed harder, but he continued anyway. “I also need an accurate timeline of the events you remember.”
  “What's to remember?  I was sleeping with Peter-
in my head
- having an amazing sexual experience, I thought.  Then I was awake with someone else inside me, fucking the shit out of me from behind while I tried to breathe through the suffocation of having my face held down and forced into a pillow,” I said slightly bitchy as my mom actually released a sob beside me.  “Sorry, mom.  What else do you want?  I was a pig who got off because I thought Peter was there, but he wasn't Peter.”
  “Sophie, you did nothing wrong.  You have to-”
  “Why didn't you do a rape kit earlier?” I cut off my mother.
  “Because you were coherent off and on and if the patient is coherent for minutes at a time, we must get consent first, especially when the patient is combative, which you were initially,” the doctor answered.
  “I don't remember being coherent
or
combative.  When was I awake?”
  “You were always awake, just confused, baby,” my mom explained. 
  As Officer Dolby walked to my bedside, he finished off the story. “Your neighbor was talking to you through your front door, and I was the responding officer who talked you into opening the door for us.  Do you remember talking to me until you unlocked your front door?”
  “No...”
  “The ambulance joined us shortly thereafter and we took you to the hospital immediately.  You were completely coherent and even helped sit on the gurney yourself.”  Finishing the story, Dolby said, “Your apartment is presently a crime scene.”
  “Why didn't you take my statement then if I was awake?”
  “I did.  And now that you're no longer in shock, I'm taking it again to get a more accurate record of the events that took place,” he said patiently.
  “Did you get him?”  But I think I already knew the answer I just didn't remember it.
  “No,” he shook his head as he asked again, “Would you consent to a rape kit?”
  “Okay.  But I only want the doctor in here.  No one else,” I said looking directly at my mom.  If I was going to suffer another humiliation then I wanted no more witnesses.  “Will you catch him if I do the kit?”
  “There's a good chance.  Most rapists don't strike only once, and usually they strike someone they know.  So between the DNA evidence, and the subsequent investigation, we usually find the connection to the victim, and inevitably, the attacker,” Officer Dolby answered my question seeming so insensitive and emotionless, it's like he read that answer directly from his notebook again.
  And the more I looked at him, I realized I didn't like him.  He was too unfeeling and he seemed to lack the sensitivity or something for being the officer in charge of a rape investigation.
  “Do you know Peter Connor?”
  “You've asked me that already, and I said I wasn't aware.”
  “Okay.  But you wouldn't tell me the truth anyway, would you?” I sighed my frustration.
  “Why wouldn't I tell you?”
  “Yes, why wouldn't you?” I smirked at him because I knew.
  “Sophie, you have to stop honey.  You’re hurt and tired and you've been through so much tonight, you-”
  “Yes, I have mom. 
I’ve
been through so much.  So why don't you stop trying to calm me and let me deal with this however I can.  Sound good?” I asked like a total bitch, but luckily, my mom just nodded at me silently.
  “Ms. Morley, can you tell me what happened tonight?”
  Again, as my backbone straightened and I felt more like myself, I sounded bitchy, but calm.  “I can tell you everything, and I will.  But I would like to get this exam over with first, and then I'll tell you anything you want to know.  Is that good enough?”
  “Certainly.  I'll just wait outside for Dr. Newman to finish up,” he agreed as he walked to the door.
  When my mom didn't move, I again asked her to leave.  I asked her to leave me alone and I actually saw the pain and distress flash across her face before she stood and left me with an 'I'll be back as soon as you’re done.'
  But I didn't care.  I felt irritated and angry, and sad, and disgusted.  I was a whore and I couldn't believe I had sunk so low.  I couldn't believe I was so desperate to be with Peter that I didn't even realize another man was fucking me from behind.  I actually got off to someone hurting me because I wanted it to be Peter so badly.
  Sitting on the raised bed of my hospital room I was so sad thinking of my level of desperation and depravity, I finally started truly sobbing over the events of the night.
  Crying as the doctor moved around the room until he left for a minute to return with a nurse, I cried the whole time.  I saw him prepare instruments, and I watched him wheel a metal cart near me.  I saw him scrub and glove his hands, and I heard the nurse speaking to me as she handed me tissues, but I didn't understand anything in that moment other than my desperation.
  And I was lost.
  “I'm going to remove the sheet, and lift your gown, Ms. Morley,” the doctor said gently. “If you feel any discomfort at all, please tell me.  I need to know about pain, and I need to catalogue anything you can tell me, okay?”
  “Ms. Morley, you just look at me, and everything will be over quickly, okay?” The nurse said beside me so I nodded at her. 
  I waited while the doctor pulled me gently lower to the end of the bed to lift my legs and place them in the stirrups, and I remember singing in that moment inside my head to drown out the pain of my nightmare.
It’s just a Pap.  It's just a Pap.  I do this once a year.  It's just a Pap.  It’s just a Pap.  It'll be over soon.  La la-la la-la-laaaa.
  “Ms. Morley, you have-”
  “Oh god... Sophie,
please.
”
  “Sophie, are you in any discomfort right now?”
  “Yes…” I moaned.
  “Can you explain where?”
  “Everywhere.  Inside and outside.  Everything hurts right now.  Please hurry,” I said as I heard my foot start shaking in the stirrup as my anxiety climbed.
  “Sophie... Breathe deeply.  You're struggling against me, and I want to be quick for you,” he said again gently, as the nurse took my hand and squeezed it.
  So I closed my eyes as the tears slowly spilled from my eyelids onto the pillow, and I tried to relax everything inside me.