Lost Boy (20 page)

Easter 2013

Stuart gives me a crazy look, "A year in South America? You think your rich, white ass is gonna make it through that shit?"

I push the rest of the clothes in the bag and smile. "No. I don’t think that. I just see something about myself that I don’t like. The last month of us being together and not together has been hard. She is getting better and I am staying the same. The other night I was sitting in the hallway to her dorm, eating Chinese food from a carton and I realized there is no life without her. I've spent every minute of my life trying to find her, trying to save her, trying to fix her, and trying to protect her. What is there to love about me, man? I'm not a person. I'm a job. I've made her a job and obsessed about it."

He sighs, "Yeah, but that loyalty and that passion is something people love about you."

I shake my head, "I don’t even know my parents; we don’t talk. We want to say a thousand things to each other and no one knows how to do it. They're snooty, rude, and weird but I love them and I don’t know how to tell them. They just see this broken kid who they accidentally called a liar and locked away for obsessing about a girl who wasn’t there. They aren’t ever going to get past it." I point towards the direction they live, "I don’t want to be like that. I want to be like her. I want to learn that my pile of shit is nothing compared to the piles of shit other people have. I want to be grateful."

Stuart looks at his watch, "Her play fight with Angelo is today, you coming?"

I smile, "No. I'll stop by and let her think I am, but I can't watch that. I'll kill him. I already kicked his ass once this month, we don’t need it to happen again."

Stuart moans, "Oh snap, did you beat him for sleeping with Michelle?"

I shove more things in the bag, not saying anything.

He winces, "We weren’t together. We were on a break and he didn’t even know I liked her."

I point at him, "We made a deal not to talk about Michelle. I hate her. I think you can do better. She is a shitty, selfish twenty-year old from hell. If she hurts you again, she may go missing, DUDE!"

He laughs, "Not even funny. You can't even say dude right." He grabs my bag and zips it up, "You’re going to a fucking swamp in the rain forest, you don’t need all these clothes. Let's go. I need to hurry over and watch this fight. Michelle is rubbing her whole body with oil to make it hard for his glove to connect."

I smile and walk behind him to the elevator.

"Did you tell your mom and dad that you're leaving?"

I nod once, "I went a couple weeks ago. I sat them both down and told them everything. It was horrible and painful and embarrassing."

He frowns, "By everything, you mean everything? Sex with Dr. Bradley, torture in a cell, everything?"

I nod.

He grimaces, "Why?"

I shrug, "I want us to try to be honest and open. The whole talking thing worked with Sarah. She heard me and I let her in. It was good."

"How did they take it?"

I laugh, "Not well. Dad called Jane over for a meeting. She came over from New York and met with them, expecting them to want to talk to her. Mom slapped her—never have I seen that before. Dad raged on her, threatened her with several lawsuits, and let her know he had called a favor in and had her put on a list of doctors who are watched countrywide and banned from setting up practice, or trying to get their licenses back. Then once she was sobbing and angry, Franklin had her removed from the house."

Stuart stays quiet for a second and then laughs hard, "No way did your mom slap a ho down!"

I laugh, "She did. It was a sight to see. My parents never believed in her practice; they only did it out of desperation and I never told them what happened to me there."

He wipes his eyes and nods, "I woulda given a nut to have seen that shit."

I shrug, "I think she pretty much has a mafia hit on her head. Of course, after they heard everything and dealt with her, they gave me the whole we are so proud of you and you are doing so well for someone like you."

Stuart winces, "Ouch."

I nod, "Yes."

He slaps me on the back, ”If it makes you feel better, I don’t think you're doing all that hot."

I snort, "Thanks, man."

I look back at the apartment as the elevator comes and feel like I'm missing things and forgetting stuff, but I get on the elevator and leave.

Stuart drags me inside of the packed gym. I watch as she comes down the carpet and climbs into the ring. She sees me and her face lights up. That is the last thing I want to remember about her. I turn and leave, getting a limo to pick me up.

I check in at the airport and pace. I don’t feel like I am making the right choice, but I know I need something like what she had. I need to leave my comfort zone and stop controlling everything in the world.

My phone buzzes, it's her. 'Where r u?'

I sigh, 'Please text like an adult. R U? Really?'

I hear feet slapping on the ground and look up to see her perfect ass go by me. I send her another message when she stops to message me, 'Look behind you.'

She turns and sees me standing there. She lights up even more and runs at me, leaping into my arms. I hold her and kiss her and savor every second of it.

"Where are you going?" she asks.

"To live with some mean-ass nuns for a while."

I think she laughs and then cries, "A year?"

I kiss her forehead, "You said it was what I needed. I don’t think it'll be a year. A few months though. I can't take too long from work."

"I didn’t think you'd take me seriously." She sounds pissed.

I shrug, "I take everything you say seriously. Well, when you speak like an adult."

"Are you calling my bluff? I don’t want you to go. I want to come or you to stay."

I laugh again, "Sarah, I need this. I need to see with the perspective you have. There are people who have it worse and I need to be grateful for what I have. You were right. My environment wasn't a great way to grow up after everything else."

"Where are you going?"

"South America."

She looks me over and smiles, "Armani in South America?"

I smile wider, "I went to a strange store called Cabela and bought all the beige and khaki I could find."

She snuggles into me, "What if we lose each other?"

"I will always find you."

She doesn’t let up on her grip, "I never imagined you would take my advice. I'm twenty. What do I know?"

I pull her back, "A lot. Now, stay close to your brothers and please, for the love of God, don’t go out without them. Stay in Boston or Chicago with family and friends. Keep training with Angelo and don’t let him kiss you, he'll suck your whole damned face in. I knew a girl who dated him." It's not true but I don’t want to have to beat him up again, I actually like him.

She starts to cry, ripping my insides out, "I'm going to miss you."

I brush them away, "I need this. I need to stop myself from obsessing where you are at every moment. I need to trust you."

She isn’t as convinced anymore, "You don’t have anything to prove. You don’t need to be a hero there. You are my hero already. You can learn to trust me here. I'm fine, I swear."

"I'm not. You were right. Behave yourself and I expect FaceTime dates frequently. They're going to call my flight and I haven’t even gotten through security."

"Don’t leave me," she begs and I almost waver.

I throw her answer back at her, "Never again. This isn’t me leaving you. This is me choosing you."

I kiss her and smell her hair once more before pushing off and walking away. I manage to be strong and not cry like the baby I really am, but she sends me a text and rips my heart out, 'I'm grateful for you.'

I take a deep breath and force myself into the security clearance.

June 2013

Two months of hot, sweaty work have stripped away a few things. Holding the small child in my arms and walking up the dusty road from the quarantine, strips away a lot more. She clings to me, sobbing and saying the same word over and over, "Momma."

I hold her thin body to me and rub her back, "It's okay, it's going to be okay." They told me I had to leave, but I need to find the aunt she has in the next village over. The dusty goat path of a road has caked my ankles and legs in filth as it's mixed with my sweat.

My back aches, my hands hurt, and my throat is parched so badly I'm a little scared I have the plague.

We pass by some people. I point, "Village?"

They nod and walk into the woods. The little girl cries on, holding me and continuing to chant the same word over repeatedly.

The goat path heads into a dense forest. I turn and follow it in. People and huts are scattered about. One of the doctors I recognize is there.

I wave, "Hi, Dean."

He smiles, "Is she from up the road?"

I nod and sit, still cradling her, "Yes. Her aunt lives here. That’s the only family she has left."

His eyes narrow, "How bad was it when you left?"

I shake my head.

He nods, "Okay. Well I can translate and find the girl's aunt if you want to head back into the town and get ready to leave."

I shake my head, "I need to find her family. I need to know she got to them."

He smiles, "You aren’t what I expected, Eli."

I laugh hoarsely, "This is exactly what I expected." He thinks I mean the desperate way they live in this part of Brazil. What I mean is this experience is exactly what I imagined it would be. The things I have seen, the loss and joy and desperation and passion have cured me. My pile of shit is so weak and small, and my loss, though it feels like it weighs as much as the moon, is nothing compared. This girl has lost a mother, father, three brothers and a sister who was only ten months old. Her loss is great and she has my heart, they all do. The strength and love of the people here, who have nothing but each other, is amazing. It is uplifting and I finally see what Sarah meant by her experience as an orphan shaping her to not feel sorry for herself.

Thinking about her makes me smile. Dean comes back over with a woman who kneels in front of the girl and speaks softly. She asks her questions. The girl shakes her head and whispers things. The woman smiles and talks to Dean. He nods, "Her aunt is down by the river catching fish with her children and doing her washing. I can show you to her."

I stand and carry the now-quiet girl to the trail. The path goes down a steep slope to where a river moves along quickly. We pass the rushing part to an inlet. When we reach the spot where some of the villagers are, a woman comes rushing at me. She is screaming and crying when she sees me. Dean speaks to her, explaining her loss. She drops to her knees, sobbing and shaking her head. She gets up, tearing the child from my arms. She holds her so tight I think she'll break her. She then wraps herself around me. I don't need to know what she says, I understand her body's language. Gratitude is its own language.

I nod and let her kiss both my cheeks. I hug the little girl once more and wave, "Bye, bye."

She sniffles and nods, snuggling into her aunt. Dean says some things to them but I turn and watch. The riverbank is alive with people. The heat is beaten here in the water and the smiling faces. Children play and laugh and parents try to stay cool as they do their wash or catch fish.

The simplicity of their life has me envious.

Dean walks over, "You ready to go home?"

I shake my head, "I feel like I should stay and try to save as many as I can from getting sick."

He smiles, "It can become an unhealthy obsession."

I laugh, I know all about those.

"Only medical staff are staying; you have to go back so we don’t have to worry about keeping you safe from it." We hike to his jeep and he drives me back to town. When I get to my hotel, I turn on my phone and FaceTime Stuart.

"Hi!"

He looks worried, "She there yet?"

I scowl, "What?" My stomach starts to sink.

"She came to you. She should have landed already."

"Fuck." I feel sick instantly, "There is a plague. I'm being evacuated."

My heart is beating out of control. I haven’t thought about her safety in months. I haven’t had to. She was safe in Boston and Stuart was with her. Now she is here and I can't stop myself from imagining the worst. "Where did she fly into?"

He shakes his head, "I don’t know. She was coming there to see you."

"Fuck, Stu. People are dying here, like whole communities. Why didn't you stop her?"

He opens his mouth but I shake my head, "Book her and me out of here now. Book flights home now. I'll go find her."

I hang up the phone and run to the inn. It's the only place to stay. I don’t get the white noise, even though I am panicking. I don’t get that anymore.

I burst through the doors, "Is there a girl, a pretty gringo staying here? A girl with blonde hair?" I pull her picture from my back pocket where I always keep it. I pull it out for the lady to look at. She frowns at me and nods.

I close my eyes, "Is she here?"

She shakes her head, "Drive with jeep with doctor." Her English is some of the best in the area. It’s remote and the doctors all speak the local dialects. I tried speaking Spanish to them and they laughed at me.

"Where is her room?"

She gives me a key. I turn and run up the stairs and burst through the door. I pack her bags and leave them on the bed. I am about to freak out and maybe scream a little, when I see blonde hair blowing in the air of a jeep driving up to the town. I turn and run from the room, slamming the door. When I get down to the dusty road, my heart is pounding and I am feeling savage and irrational. I want to rip her from the god-damned jeep and smack her upside the head.

When she sees me, I growl, "What the hell are you doing here?" I'm not sure if she heard me or not. I walk up to the jeep and nearly tear the door off. I offer her my vibrating hand. She takes it and I drag her to her room. I can't speak without screaming, so I just don’t. I open her door and she mutters, "Corrupt third-world countries."

I drag her into the room, close the door, and press my back against it. I need to calm down. She probably just arrived and hasn’t seen any sick people. I take a breath and look at her, "What did I say when I left?"

She doesn’t answer me.

My words turn back into a growl, "I said don’t go anywhere without your brothers and Stuart, and not to leave Chicago or Boston. Did you misunderstand my words?"

She steps to me, kisses me and smiles, "You are not the boss of me. If you can gallivant in South America, then so can I."

I wrap myself around her and whisper, "You scared me."

She nods, "Ditto."

"We are leaving in an hour. I have flights booked."

She frowns, "You're leaving the missionaries?"

I don’t understand. She doesn’t want me to leave? I shake my head, "Not exactly. We never made it to our last destination. There is a sickness. All tourists are being sent home unless they have medical experience. I do not. Pack your bags. We leave as soon as possible."

She kisses me again and finishes packing the few things I forgot to shove in the bags. She doesn’t look at me when she says something I don’t know how to respond to, "I went to your parents’ house. I confessed it was me."

I point out the obvious, "They knew that already. Why?"

"I need absolution from God for my sin."

I roll my eyes, "You don’t get to pick and chose how religious you are. You never go to church. Why need absolution over that? It wasn’t your fault."

She walks to me, "I just needed to."

Finally, I ask the thing I have feared all along, "Were they cruel to you?"

"God no. They were perfectly polite. Hugged me once even. They told me about the center."

I swallow hard, "Did they?"

She nods, "I needed to hold you and make sure you were okay."

I smile and kiss her hand, "I have you. I'll always be okay."

"I need you to know I was wrong. You don't need to live here and be grateful because it was so cushy and easy for you growing up. My life was easier than yours. There is no doubt. Those nuns loved me way more than those people loved you."

I lick my lips and shake my head, "It doesn’t matter. I am grateful. I see what we have, I found you, and I trust that you're going to be okay. Coming here made me see that."

"I love you, Eli."

I kiss her once more, "I am grateful for you." I need her to leave with me before the whole area erupts in plague and war. I nod, "Let's go home."

She smiles.