Lost Boy (5 page)

I pass him the phone and pick up the hammer. I pull off my jacket and roll up my sleeves.

“Don’t wreck any of the other tombs and headstones.”

I look at the others and nod, “I’ll try not to.”

Boston - August 2012

“The hallway has cameras and I’ve linked them to the laptop.”

I look at him expectantly, “What about the room? I can’t see her in the room. I've spent two years watching her room, I want that."

Stuart points at me, “Don’t start this shit again. Dr. Bradley says no. You need to deal with your shit as much as she needs to deal with hers. This is an invasion of privacy already.” He sees my jaw clench and leans in, “We aren’t having this conversation again. She and that hot-ass friend of hers, arrive in a couple hours. Let’s go.”

She’s in the air flying. It makes me uncomfortable but Jane forbade me to fly with her. She forbade me to watch her constantly. She used words that I don’t give a fuck about.

Possession, obsession, control, self-destruction.

What do I care about those things, when I have the cure so close to me? She is better than any pain, any pleasure, anything.

I close the door, following Stuart down the long corridor. A man in a janitor uniform passes by us. I see Stuart freeze up. He has some of the lonely, like she does.

He swerves a bit, brushing against the wall. I walk faster, looping my arm into his. We don’t speak about it. He only needs a minute. He doesn’t handle janitors. We never discuss it. We don’t need to.

I don't like elevators, small spaces, or guns.

We don’t talk about it.

I drive us to the gym so we can forget about the things we can't change.

An hour later, both of us are covered in sweat and fully exhausted when he nods at me, “I have to go get her.” He laughs when he sees my face, “You need one more round, bro. You ain’t got all the piss and vinegar out yet. I’ll message you when she lands.”

I twitch with the want to be there when she lands. She needs me. She’s going to be scared and confused, and the lonely is going to come and take her away.

I feel the white noise and I turn to Angelo, pointing with my glove. He gives me a fierce smile. We enter the ring and knock gloves.

I leave the gym two hours later, fresh, clean, and ready to see her in the flesh. I want her in Boston, where everything’s new and different. I want to go to her; instead, I drive to Jane’s office.

I press the elevator and wait. I hate waiting. I hate Jane. I hate what I gave her and the satisfaction that crosses her lips when she sees me thinking about it.

I step inside of the elevator and close my eyes.

I hate elevators.

They make me nervous. All small places where the walls creep in and try to touch you. Flashes of drawings and triangles, and the dead eyes in the corner, fill my mind. Sweat bursts from my skin. I can’t wait one more second when the doors open and I fight the urge to leap from the metal box.

She is in her chair, tapping her fingers against the wood. She smiles seeing my face, “Eli.”

I scowl, “Jane.”

She gives me a look, “I’ve asked you to call me Dr. Bradley in the office, please.”

I shake my head, “You also asked me to handcuff you to a bed and fuck you senseless so I don’t give a shit, Jane.”

Her face twitches but remains the same milky tone. She doesn’t blush. I’m convinced she doesn’t feel. “Sit, we need to talk for a minute.”

I remove my jacket and lay it on the back of the chair I sit on. She looks me over, “You look tired. Are you sleeping?”

“Pass.”

She narrows her eyes, “You have to let me know how you are doing, if you want to be part of this, Eli.”

I match her glare, “Well, Jane, I am doing well. How are you?”

She scoffs, “Patronize me all you like, but I am the key holder in this little game. The place I’ve got her now is serene and beautiful. You need to back off and give her space.”

I shake my head, “No. It has been a very long time and her family and I want answers.”

She crosses her arms, “You want answers? She is fucking insane—how’s that? Is that clinical enough for you?”

I don’t respond.

She sighs, “She is literally seconds away from a full-scale meltdown at all times. She is completely weak and lost. The only thing that holds that kid together is that dimwit friend that she calls Shell. I think if she were to lose her, that would be the end. I am praying she meets a guy on campus and gives it the old college try. That is about the only thing that will save her. Love and companionship in the form she calls normal. She is obsessed with normal.” She starts to laugh, “You, my friend, are about the last man on earth, she would be prevailed upon to date. She wants nothing like she wants normal. Not some scarred freak show with hate and callous bitterness all over his face. If she sees that room of yours, she will never understand you. Not ever.”

I give her a minute to fully grasp everything she has just said, “Are you done?”

She takes a breath and nods.

I stand, “I don't see her like that. You need to get it through your head, my not wanting you is not because of her. It was lovely seeing you, as always. I will update you on anything I discover.” I pull on my jacket and grin, “I realize you want me and that makes this difficult, but I gave you what you wanted. I never want to speak of it again. It makes me feel sad for you.”

Her nostrils flare, “You wanting to fuck the girl you’ve mentally swapped for your sister, makes me sad for you.”

I take a step towards her but she flinches so dramatically, I stop and point, “She is not my sister. Do not try to plant seeds in my head. I see you and your antics, Jane. And just so you know, I filmed our little evening together. With how shaky your reputation is, I’m certain whipping poor Eli Adams, the lost boy who shot his sister, isn’t going to win you your license back.”

She swallows awkwardly; it almost makes me hard. I smile, “I love dominating you in your office. Had we spent the evening here instead of at my place, I really believe we would have had a lot more fun.”

Her eyes glass over, “But then I would have missed being right about you and your dirty room of sin, and the fact you like to Dom and Sub.”

I nod, “Touché.”

I turn and walk to the button for the elevator. She doesn’t move and I don’t turn back. I’m ready to snap her fucking neck, but I need her to save my girl.

The text messages start as I’m reaching the dorms. My heart beats faster seeing her little requests. She keeps me at arms length with them. Never treating me as if I am someone she is familiar with. She always acts like we don’t know each other. I hate that.

I treat her the same way.

I hate that more.

I glance at the text, 'Can I go to the store?’

I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose. I don’t know how many times I will have to explain the Visa to her.

I send her a message and dial Stuart, “Hey. She needs to go to the store. You still there?”

“Yeah. I’m here. I have a feeling I won't be leaving here. Dr. Bradley just called and said to keep an eye on you. She said you seemed self-destructive.”

I snort into the phone.

He laughs, “I told you not to bang her—she’s crazy. Takes one to know one, ya know?”

I nod, “I have no desire to have this conversation ever again.”

“Whatever. Tell her I’ll be ready when she is.”

She answers my question. “She needs twenty minutes. You good with then?”

“Whatever.”

I sigh, “You realize that’s not actually a sentence right?”

“Carrot-in-ass-itis is affecting you again.”

I hang up the phone and notice, she too, has left me a little chestnut of annoyance.

‘KK.’

I shake my head, texting her a new message, 'KK is a typo, not a send off. Please speak like an adult'

I press send with a grin. They are all trying to drive me insane. I'm convinced text talk will be the end of civilization.

My desk is painful to sit at as she and Michelle get into the truck with Stuart. She's out in the city. I have to keep taking deep breaths, chanting that she needs to be this different person.

Their conversations are funny and distracting. I want to be in the truck with them, having fun with them. Stuart is charming and easy to gain their trust. Watching Michelle laugh and my girl blush makes me smile. I type slowly, letting my mind wander and wonder what it would be like. I know the things I am capable of. I know the person I am. I don’t need Jane to point out the fact that I won't ever be the man she needs, but I daydream anyway. It's not wrong to imagine if we had met in a bar and she had laughed at my joke, if I told jokes.

Angelo hits as hard as I did, if not harder. I stumble back. He points at me, "Easy, Eli. For fuck's sake. Take it easy."

I put my hands back up and shake my head. I see stars but it doesn’t stop me. I jump back in, distracting him with my left and smoking my right across his jaw. He stumbles back, giving me the look. I wouldn't normally like that look but she's going on a date. I won't ever be okay with it. So many things are wrong with me. I wish I could just make myself forget about the way I feel about her. I don’t see the breaks anymore. I see her the way she is and I still want her. I need help.

I need Angelo to give me the beating of a lifetime. He won't unless I provoke him. I hit him again, not letting him have the second he needs. His fists start to fly. I lose sight of the floor and ceiling as my body bends back from the impact. I feel the ropes holding me in, but his sweaty torso is against mine. His hand comes back and I see a flash of color.

He is gone and Stuart is holding my face up. Lance shouts, "I told you boys, none of that shit in my gym. Angelo, showers now!"

My ears are pounding, making Lance's shouts and Stuart's words muffled by the blood. My eyes blur for a second and I feel it. I sigh into the release of the white noise and fuzz. Stuart holds me up, "Crazy son of a bitch."

I lean back into the ropes and let it all go. The exhaustion and perfection of the pain is remarkable. It's like exhaling the smoke of a tight cigar, rolled on the meaty thighs of a Cuban woman who knows what she's doing. It's bliss and drunken delight. I stagger out of the ropes and down the hall to the showers.

I don’t even have my gloves off, when I see him. His eyes flash, "Adams, I told you. I told you not to push me like that. What the fuck?" He is seething and pacing, like a cat behind a glass cage. I've seen a jaguar do it before in Thailand at a zoo. He watched us, pacing and plotting. Angelo looks the same. He's angry and contemplating ways to murder me.

I nod, "Sorry, man."

He snarls, "Don’t say sorry. It pisses me off more."

"Okay." I tug at the tape and gloves.

He gets a savage look in his eyes but comes over and helps me take my gloves off, "You're a pain in the ass sometimes."

"I know."

Stuart comes in looking hostile too, "Dude, Lance is having an old-man attack. You gotta stop that shit. The underground clubs are for that shit." He grins at Angelo, "You gotta knock him out faster next time."

Anger and annoyance are still slathered across Angelo's face. He growls, "You can't knock this mutha out. He's immune to pain." He gets up and leaves for the showers.

Stuart folds his thick arms across his chest, "I gotta go. She's going on that date and I'm going out with Michelle. You gotta keep your crazy locked down, dude. For reals. She has earned space. She's doing great so far."

I sigh, "For reals? Is that a new one? You're making them up now, aren’t you? For real is bad enough and now you're making it plural?"

Stuart looks at me like I'm insane. I can taste blood in the back of my throat from my nosebleed. He shakes his head, "For reals is legit. I for reals gots to go on my date. You promise you're cool with it?"

I shake my head, "No, but yes. Go. You need a night off and you're right, she's earned it."

He looks hesitant and then nods, "Okay. I'll make sure Michelle messages her tons."

I nod, "Don’t forget you have to change the mirror in their dorm. Michelle ruined it, apparently." I forgot to mention it to him after my girl sent me a text asking for it to be replaced. She and Michelle sounded like the best roommates ever but the mirror bothered her a lot. I wish I had a way to see into her room. I wish we were back in New Mexico. It's purely selfish but I do. The orphanage was a bad place but I liked the control I had there. I liked watching her. There she was the broken orphan; here she is beautiful. That is all, just beautiful.

He sighs, "Yeah. See ya."

I shower and change quickly, avoiding Lance's annoyance. Angelo, Stuart, and I tend to take things too far for him. Today was too far for Angelo too.

It was just right for me though. I'm relaxed in a way I haven’t been in ages, even with the date looming over my head.

I dial the phone as I leave the gym and jump in my car. She answers with attitude, "What now?"

"You put her up to this, didn’t you?"

She laughs, "Eli, you and I both know she needs to start living like a normal girl. She is a mess. A date with a boy from school is exactly what she needs. The close contact of a male could help surface memories, unpleasant ones, but at least they would come on their own. You know what happens if she keeps blocking this? We have to go to Plan B. She has her phone, you, Stuart, and Michelle to run to her aid if she needs it. You have to ease off of her. She isn’t your sister."

I hang the phone up and fight the reoccurring fantasy I have of smothering her with a pillow and putting her in her car, to make it look like she drowned.

I park across from the chicken place, Stuart said she was going to, that looks like a panic attack waiting to happen. Seeing it makes me frown as I get out of the car. She isn’t going to make it. The guy, Sebastian, is standing outside. He looks nerdy clean, like he is. We've run everything we could on him but he's perfect. He's perfect for her, perfect balance for her. I wasn’t able to find the connection between him and the good doctor, but I know she's up to something. I feel bad for the guy a little. He's never going to see the world of hurt that’s coming. When Sarah snaps and remembers the feeling of Randy and Laura, it's going to be bad.

I see texts from her and sigh. She is finally telling me about the date. I close myself off and dial. I need to be the thing she fears in case we end up having to take her in.

"Hi," she sounds nervous when she answers.

"Hi. So a boy from the gym? Alone?" I try to sound annoyed like reading the text about the date is bothering me.

"Yup."

I hate it when she says yup. "I don’t like it."

"Okay." She pauses, "Uhm. See, I already told him yes."

I want to tell her to stay home. I think I have the power over her to do it. But I don’t. I behave myself. "Did you tell him where you live or what your cell is?"

I can hear her gulping. I make her scared. I hate that but I want her to obey me; I let myself think it's all for her safety but I know it's not. Some of it is the sickness that lives inside of me.

She finally talks, "No. You told me no one could know the number. I almost didn’t even tell Shell, even when you said it was okay."

That also annoys me, "Call her Michelle, please. I don’t like Shell. It sounds infantile. Message me from the bathroom when you get there." I hang up quickly. I want to tell her I'll take her out for dinner and make her happy, and she doesn’t need to remember anything, but I know that’s a lie too. Seeing her ball up and freeze, like she's in the hole doing the drawings on the sides of the wall, is disturbing.

The fear that she will freak out doesn’t change the fact I want to tell her who I am. My self-control is getting worse, just like Jane said it would. Talking to her on the phone was probably a mistake. It all probably is. I walk over to the Chicken Shack and try to convince myself this is a mistake. Her pale skin and light hair make her look like an angel. I just have to keep telling myself she is one. Too sweet and innocent for me. She's normal, at least she will be.

The server gives me a sexy smile when I get inside of the packed Chicken Shack, "Table for one?"

I nod and try not to imagine her face down and ass up. It’s a hard habit to break. She gives me a once over, licks her lips, and brings me through the crowd to my table.

"Jack on the rocks, please."

She nods and saunters off with an overage of swagger to her walk. My eyes don’t leave the door as a thousand images make their way through my mind. Punching Sebastian in the throat and being the guy she's meeting. Grabbing her and holding her tightly to me as she walks by, and of course, punching Sebastian again when he tries to pull her back. My drink is there with a menu before she arrives. Sebastian is still outside standing there, waiting for her. He should have left already but he hasn’t. I hate that he's a nice guy.

Through the glass door, I can see his back straighten as she walks up. She looks plain, and yet, somehow amazing. She smiles at him and my stomach aches for it to be for me.

He opens the door and I see it instantly. His hands grab her behind him, pulling her into him. He can't see her seizing up. He can't see her freaking out. His touch is repelling her. It would make me happy but she's scared. I walked towards them but he stops and sees it. Before I reach them, he's dragged her out again. My hands shake as I rip my phone from my pocket.

'She left Chick Shack. Find her and make her go home. She's panicking.'

Someone bumps me, my phone goes flying. The guy turns to see who bumped him, "Watch where you're going, assho…" He doesn’t get to finish his sentence.

My knuckles burn from the bare punch. I step over the fallen guy, picking my phone up. People are looking at me like I'm crazed and Stuart has sent some shitty message, complaining about leaving his date with Michelle.

The guy who never got to finish calling me an asshole, gives me a heated look as he stands up. I turn around and lean into him, whispering, "If you would like to finish this, I'm game."

He swallows but doesn’t say anything. I nod, "I didn’t think so." I turn and leave the greasy hellhole.

I can see her up the road. She's talking. Sebastian's hand comes down and takes hers. It stops me. I don’t walk any farther, I don’t want to see anymore but I stare. He points and she nods.

He understands her lonely. The lonely that comes and freezes her, he gets it. He saw it and never ran away, like I expected him to. I wanted to be the knight in shining armor but he's taken my chance and she's brushed the incident off, instead of messaging me.

I see Stuart pull up across the road, and take a step back. I can't watch the rest. She took his hand. Jane was right, she doesn’t need me as much as I need her. Stuart was right, she is stronger than we are.

I don’t know her as well as I think I do.

I don’t know what to do with myself so I walk for a long time in a daze, until my phone rings.

"Hey." It's Stuart with his cheesy, fake Wichita accent that he swears helps keep him in character with them.

"Is she alright?"

He sighs, "She's fine. She went to some fancy place and ate and went back to her room. She's fine. She and Michelle are good in there. But dude, for reals, my balls are burning. They are so blue, I can barely walk. I'm picking Michelle up in like thirty minutes. I'll have her back in no time, okay?"

I feel spacey and lost. I nod and mutter, "Sure." I have to map myself back to the car. I call her and get my angry act on; it's not hard. I am angry, but it's with myself.

"Hi," she answers sounding strong and amazing.

I snap, "You don’t go to restaurants with boys that you haven’t cleared with me first." I'm angry for petty reasons.

"I didn’t. You knew what I was doing." She sounds angry, I like that.

"Don't play games with me. You won't win. You specifically told me you were going to a chicken place and never went there."

She stammers, "I'm sorry. I should have called and told you we were changing places. I just…well…I had an attack and had to leave the first place."

She sounds weak again and it softens me, "Are you okay?"

She pauses and sighs, "No. I had it right in front of him. It was humiliating."

"I'll call the doc. She'll want to see you." I hate that she has to see Jane, but I want this over.

"Whatever," she says.

I hate that, "Don't say that. It's rude."

She doesn't say anything.

I clear my throat, "If you're going to date, and Stuart is dating the ever-lovely Miss Monkton, then the rules are changing. You will not date on the same evening."

I can almost hear her frown, "What if we have a date planned for the same night?"

I see my car and sigh, "Then he cancels his. You will remain in the dorms if he and Miss Monkton are out. Are we clear?"

"Yup," she sounds pissed again.

"Yup, is piss-poor English. Goodnight, sweet dreams."

I have never said that to her before. I hang up like always and just stare at the phone. I am losing my strength and control.

I drive to the campus and follow someone into her dorms. I slide down the wall and sit in the hallway outside her room with my iPad and wait, listening to the sound of her TV. I'm exhausted, but I know how scared she is. If she knew I was sitting outside her room, she would feel better but she can't. So I just have to sit there and hope she can be strong until Michelle comes home. I know what happens to her at night.

I message her, 'Go to sleep.'

She texts back, 'You first.' It makes me smile.

I grin as I text her like we're normal people, 'I am sleeping.'

'What are you dreaming about?' My stomach aches when I see her response. She is being friendly.

My fingers don’t stand a chance. They know they shouldn’t text her the one word they want to, but they do it anyway. 'You.'