Lost To Me (10 page)

KOLTON

After I left Lauren’s, I went home to crash out. I was so tired, my eyes were blurry. Kyle sat on the couch watching T.V., so I made myself sit down with him. “Listen,” I said, pulling a throw pillow in my lap and realizing I was holding it like a shield in front of me. “I’m sorry about the other day, okay. I should’ve let it go. It’s not worth fighting with you.”

He scratched his head. His hair was greasy and it looked like he hadn’t showered for days. That was another sign of depression and one Mom and I were supposed to be watching for. But, between work and Lauren, I hadn’t been around much.

“No big deal.” He picked up the remote and flipped through the channels.

“You going to Rob’s tomorrow night?” I sat on the edge of the couch and watched my knee bob. What was wrong with me? Why was I ready to jump up and run?

He shrugged. “Maybe.”

“I’m taking Lauren.”

His head snapped in my direction. “You are?”

“Yeah.” I kept watching him, waiting for his reaction.

“Tabby’s going to shit.” He turned back to the T.V. and resumed flipping channels. “Mom made another appointment for all of us with my doctor tomorrow. You going to make it this time?”

“I didn’t know I was supposed to be at your last one. I didn’t forget.”

“Well, you’re supposed to be at this one. Okay?”

“I’ll be there. What time?”

“Ten in the morning. Somebody better wake my ass up.”

I smacked his leg. “I’ll set my alarm and not only make sure your stinky ass is up, but even give you time to shower.”

Kyle laughed, and I got Lauren’s text that everything was fine.

Maybe things would be okay for a while.

“You’re probably wondering why I asked to speak with you alone.” Kyle’s doctor crossed his legs and leaned back in a leather chair. His office looked less like an office and more like a family room. He even had a big flat screen hanging on the wall.

“You could say that,” I said.

“Your mom and Kyle both told me that he’s been having episodes that center on you, and the two of you have had some physical situations lately.”

“If by physical situations you mean he keeps trying to kick my butt, then yes. We’ve had some physical situations lately. But I know better than to argue with him. The one time I should’ve let it go, and I didn’t. It was my fault.”

The doctor scratched his beard and smiled at me. “It’s going to get harder, I’m sorry to say. He’s not taking his medication regularly because of the side effects. First, the typical antipsychotic I prescribed made his body jerk involuntarily. Now, the atypical antipsychotic I have him on is making him gain weight. He told me he’s been taking his pills, but I don’t think the outbursts would happen if he were. Plus, he’s started having auditory hallucinations in addition to the delusions.”

I leaned back in my matching leather chair. “He thought I said I wanted him dead. That’s why he tackled me the first time.”

“What was going on when that happened?” The doctor tapped his fingers on his armrest.

“I was in a fight with my ex-girlfriend. He was sticking up for her.”

The doctor rocked his foot. “Is he protective of this girl?”

“Protective?” I shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe a little. We’ve all been friends for a few years.” I shifted, not able to settle in my seat. “He told me he wanted to ask her out.”

The doctor cocked an eyebrow and made a note on his laptop. “Well,” he took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes, “it’s important for you to feel safe. Typically, with loved ones who suffer the brunt of a paranoid schizophrenic’s outbursts, the tendency is to feel guilty if you need help. Don’t feel guilty. If he needs to be hospitalized, you have to do it.” He put his glasses back on and leaned forward. “I don’t think your mother will. I don’t think she’s strong enough to make that decision. A lot of people aren’t. I’m not faulting her. But, I want you to promise me that you’ll put your safety before any ideas of brotherly loyalty.”

“Hospitalized? You mean, for good?” I didn’t understand. I thought we were going to get this managed. That’s what they’d been telling us—his medical doctor and this one, his psychiatrist.

“If it comes to that. I don’t believe it will as long as he takes his medication and avoids drugs and alcohol. We should be able to manage his illness.”

Hospitalization, brotherly loyalty, physical situations.

I just wanted my brother back. I wanted Kyle. The Kyle I knew. Not this one.

LAUREN

The next morning, I found Mom unloading beach towels from the dryer in the utility room below the cottage. “Hey, Mom. Want to go shopping?” I grabbed a towel and held it to my nose feeling the warmth and smelling the fabric softener.

She stood up with a towel in her hand and smiled, her eyes wide in surprise.

“Sure,” she said, flinging the towel and snapping the wrinkles out.  “Are you going to be around tonight for dinner?

I invited The Parker’s. I need to go grocery shopping, and I planned on buying some new linen napkins.”

I tossed the towel I’d folded into the basket. “Sounds fancy. What are we having?”

“Your dad’s grilling fillet mignon and salmon. Amy and I are making twice baked potatoes, almond green beans and a tossed salad. You want to take charge of dessert?”

“I know just what to make.” I hoisted the laundry basket into my arms and carried it upstairs thinking about Kristin’s fudgy brownies she taught me how to make.

“You can invite Kolton,” Mom said, coming in the house behind me. “We’ll have plenty.”

“Thanks, Mom. I think I will.” I wondered if he’d be up to dinner with my whole family and The Parker’s.

When I grabbed my sandals and my bag out of my room to go shopping, I sent Kolton a text.

Meet me at my house for dinner before the party. 6:00  Ok?

Dinner with the fam?

I laughed.
If you’re up for it.

I’ll be there.

I stood in the middle of my room. Piles of clothes surrounded me, all over the bed and floor. The Parker’s were downstairs drinking wine with Mom, Dad and Amy. Kolton would be here any second.

“Not red. Maybe a skirt.” I picked up a little black skirt and shook it out. “Okay, this…I think.” After about ten more minutes of debating with my mirror, I decided on a short, black ruffle skirt and white silky tank.

“You look nice,” Amy said, leaning against my door frame.

“Thanks. I didn’t know you were there.”

“You look a little freaked about Kolton being stuck here for dinner with all of us.” She stepped inside, laughing. “I don’t blame you. Dad might tell him to keep his lips to himself.”

“God, that would be embarrassing.” Amy and I used to talk about everything, but we hadn’t had a real heart-to-heart for a long time. I needed to talk to her, but didn’t want her to freak out. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure. What do you want to ask me?” She took a sip of wine, watching me over the top of her glass.

I squeezed my hands together behind my back and rocked up on my toes. I wanted to ask. I’d always wondered. “How old were you the first time?”

“The
first time
…first time?” She sat on the bed and crossed her legs.

“Yeah. That first time.” I twisted my lips hoping she wouldn’t lecture me.

“Well, um, I was sixteen. With Andy Fletcher. In his basement. On the pool table.”

I expected her to say, “With the candlestick”. It sounded like she was solving a game of Clue the way she blurted out the details, like it was that matter of fact and always had been. No hem hawing around for her, she just did it.

I shrugged. “Okay. That answers that.”

“I should’ve waited. It sucked. I wish it would’ve been with someone I loved.”

I sat on the end of the bed. Our backs made an L. “I love Kolton.”

“Does he love you, too?” She turned to me and brought her knees up beside her.

“I think so.”

Her hand rubbed across my shoulders. “Be sure. You have time. If he’s the one, he’s not going anywhere.”

I threw my arms around her, so glad she was here, knowing what I was going through. “Thanks, Ames.”

There was a knock on the front door and not two seconds later, it squeaked open and Dad said, “Kolton, come in! Nice to see you.”

I gave Amy a horrified look. “Oh no.”

“Run,” she said, shoving me off the bed to my feet.

I dashed down the stairs just as Dad put an arm around Kolton’s shoulders. “Want a drink? Glass of wine? Beer?”

Thankfully, Kolton looked amused. “Thanks. I’ll take a Coke if you have it.”

Dad patted his shoulder. “Good kid.”

“Dad,” I said, hooking an arm through Kolton’s as my dad fetched his can of Coke from the fridge, “you don’t need to test him.”

“What?” Dad handed Kolton a can and a glass with ice. “What did I say? I didn’t even call him The Sandman yet.”

Beside me, Kolton looked down at his feet while my face went hot. “Mom!”

“He’s teasing,” Mom said. “Richard, don’t tease Lauren’s special friend.”

Special friend? This night was going to be a mortifying experience.

“Kolton, remember me?” Dr. Parker plucked a cocktail shrimp from the tray on the table. “Dr. Parker. I work with your mom.”

“Right,” Kolton said, reaching out to shake Dr. Parker’s hand. “Nice to see you again.”

“Your mom says things are a little turbulent at home.” Dr. Parker bit into his shrimp, waiting for Kolton’s reply.

Kolton’s eyes darted around the kitchen, to my dad, my mom, Mrs. Parker standing on the other side of the kitchen island listening in the living room. Beside him, I was dying knowing what he was going through—the embarrassment and shame—having his family’s problems shoved under his nose in front of all of us.

“Things aren’t as bad as they could be,” he said, smiling like he wasn’t fazed.

“Good to hear.” Dr. Parker wadded his shrimp tail in a napkin. “Your mom’s a brave woman.”

“Lauren! Come see this!” Amy had sneaked out onto the patio with Oriann. I knew she didn’t have anything to show me. She was saving me—and Kolton—from further torture.

“Come on.” I grabbed Kolton by the hand and led him around the island, through the living room and out onto the patio.
Thank you
, I mouthed to Amy.

She gave me a wide-eyed glance and shook her head. “That was nuts.”

Kolton plopped down in an Adirondack chair looking defeated. “I’m sorry,” I said. “What a disaster, huh?”

“No. Not a disaster.” He threaded his fingers between mine. Oriann took off at full speed toward the water, and Amy darted after her.

“Your Dad’s funny,” Kolton said. “He was only kidding around. If I saw my daughter on the beach like he saw us, I wouldn’t be joking with the guy.” He laughed, and patted the arm of the chair for me to sit. I sat and slipped my feet between his knees.

“Dr. Parker didn’t mean anything,” Kolton traced an old scar on my knee from a bike-riding accident when I was five. “He always asks about my dad and Kyle when I see him. It’s not like my mom keeps anything a secret.” He squeezed my knee and smiled. “She likes the sympathy she gets from talking about it.”

The screen slid open and Dad came out. “Stop the kissing. Dad alert! Dad alert!” He chuckled and sat his wine glass on the table. “If you two don’t mind me hanging out for a few minutes, I’ve been ordered to fire up the grill.”

“Need any help?” Kolton moved my feet and stood up.

“I might need an apprentice grill cook. Think you can handle one of these?” Dad held up a long-handled metal spatula and waved it around like he was a ninja.

“Please,” Kolton said, “I got my black belt with one of those.”

They both laughed, and it was kind of awkward and kind of sweet and a lot weird.

“I’ll turn this thing on then we can go in and haul out
the meat
.” Dad said
the meat
like he was a caveman about to beat on his chest.

Amy came back lugging Oriann who was chewing on a shell. “Hey, slobber girl,” I said, taking her from Amy. “You’re not old enough to go down there by yourself.” She patted my  cheek with a spitty hand covered in sand.

Kolton and Dad went in the house. “What’s that all about?” Amy asked, watching them go.

“Kolton apparently thinks Dad’s cool or something, so they’re becoming BFF’s.” I sighed. “Why is this happening?”

“Dad likes him, that’s a good thing, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, but they don’t have to be all ‘let’s cook together’!”

Amy laughed and grabbed Oriann from me. “Don’t worry, Mom’s on her second glass of wine. By the time dinner rolls around, she’ll be feeling all lovey-dovey and probably call him her future son. Then you can sigh and be dramatic.”

“I. Will. Die. She better not say anything remotely like that.”

Kolton stayed out on the patio beside Dad and the grill, talking sports and whatever else guys talk about. Dr. Parker joined them. Amy and I helped Mom get everything ready inside while Mrs. Parker gossiped about the other doctors’ wives and their charity events and where everyone vacationed over the winter.

Amy nudged me and rolled her eyes when Mrs. Parker said Seychelles Island hadn’t been nearly as nice as the last time they’d been there. “More wine, Mrs. Parker?” Amy asked, uncorking another bottle and pouring herself a large glassful.

Dinner was uneventful. Everyone complimented the chef on the perfectly done steaks, which Dad immediately gave Kolton credit for grilling. I couldn’t help but notice the proud look on Kolton’s face.

We ate until we were stuffed. I couldn’t even fit in one brownie for dessert. Kolton ate two and Mom packed up half of them in foil for him to take home. “Ready to go?” he asked, looking at the time on the stove. “It’s nine. We should head over to Rob’s.”

“Yeah. I’m ready.” I wasn’t ready. I was totally nervous.

After quickly helping clear the table, I gave Mom a hug. “I’ll be home on time.”

“Promise?” She kissed my forehead.

“I’ll make sure,” Kolton said. “Thanks for dinner. It was great.”

“You’re welcome any time.” Mom gave Kolton a hug, and I tried not to cringe.

“Next time T-bones,” Dad said, smacking Kolton on the back.

“Sounds good.” Kolton waved to Amy who was whisking a crying Oriann upstairs to change into her pajamas.

Dr. and Mrs. Parker came in to shake hands and tell us goodbye, then we were out of there.

I breathed out a long breath after closing the door behind us. “Whew. We made it.”

Kolton grinned and took my hand. “I had a good time. Why were you so freaked out? Your parents and Amy are great.”

“They can be a little…overwhelming sometimes.” Overbearing, overeager, overprotective.

“Overwhelming.” He laughed. “What would you call my family then?”

My throat constricted. “I…uh.”

Kolton cupped my cheek and kissed me. “That doesn’t require an answer.”

“There’s nothing wrong with your family. Every family has problems sometimes.”

He didn’t say anything, just squeezed my hand and opened the car door for me.

Cars lined the street in front of Rob’s enormous house on the ocean, in a gated, golf community. My back pressed against the Mustang’s leather seat, and I told myself tonight was going to be fun. I was becoming part of Kolton’s real life—the one he’d still have when I went back home, and everyone here would know he was mine before I left.

The engine silenced, and he turned to me. “You’re sure you want to go? We can do anything you want to do tonight. We don’t have to go in.” His eyes ran over the cars, taking note of who was inside.

I wondered if I looked nervous. I must if he was offering to do something else tonight.  “Of course I want to. I want to meet your friends.”