Lost Wanderer Awakened - Book One of the Airendell Chronicles (5 page)

And that’s when the flood of memories really
take my breath away. I hear Lucian behind me. I turn to see that
he’s carrying my small box and the bag with my barbeque in it. I
step aside and let him in the house.

“You have a nice home here,” he says
quietly.

“It’s not a home anymore,” I whisper. Lucian
stands there and watches me for a few minutes.

“I’m okay. Jeez, I can feel your concern,
Lucian. I am going to eat a little something and then go to bed. I
am exhausted. And then tomorrow, I will tackle my future, such as
it is.” I offer my hand to shake his and thank him for the ride
home. My message is clear, Thanks, but you need to go.

I turn and watch him get into his nice BMW
and drive away. “Hmm, grief counseling must be fairly lucrative,” I
muse aloud.

When he’s back on the main road, I close the
door and lock it. And then I collapse in the floor, my back against
the wall, keeping the world out. I dissolve in tears. I cry and I
cry until there’s nothing left of me, no more Deidra Montfort. Just
the pain and the remembering.

CHAPTER 3 - ANGEL IN THE DARKNESS & A
FRIEND IN THE DAYLIGHT

“I know you’re there,” she whispers into her
silent, lonely bedroom.

She’s been lying in bed for hours unable to
sleep. The physical pain is nearly manageable now, but her grief
and guilt still won’t allow her any peace. Several seconds tick
slowly by… Nothing. Not a single whisper of movement or sound other
than the low hum of her ancient electric alarm clock on the dresser
and the ceiling fan in her bedroom. There goes the sound of a truck
way out on the highway, but nothing else.

Just empty darkness. The darkness is all
encompassing, in her room, as well as in the deepest part of her
being. The abyss of emptiness waits to swallow her up. She panics
as the terrifying darkness reaches up with its feathery tentacles
to drag her to the very pit of despair.

“Oh hell! I am losing my damn mind!” she sobs
as she throws the covers back to rise from the bed, only now
realizing she had been holding her breath, waiting, hoping for an
answer from the darkness. Deidra slowly rises to a sitting position
and reaches for the lamp on her nightstand when a cold, strong hand
closes over her own. The contact sends a charge of electricity and
a thrill akin to fear up her arm.

“Hush, I’m here,” a velvet voice soothes.

Deidra’s fingers wrap around the unseen hand
as she wordlessly tugs him to her bed. “Even if you are just a
delusion, maybe you can keep the darkness away. Please stay with
me. Please.”

My ‘delusion’ lies beside me and pulls the
covers over my body. “You’re cold.”

“Feeling cold is better than feeling empty
and dark,” she whispers.

An agonized sigh is torn from her lips as she
lies back down on her bed and rolls over onto her side, facing away
from the voice. “Just be here. Okay?”

Chilly lips brush the back of her neck,
sending new shocks of electricity through her body. This time, it
has nothing to do with fear. He settles her body into the crook
created by his own. Finally, he rests his cheek gently against the
top of her head as he slowly, lovingly rubs his right hand along
her devastated left hip, humming softly.

Peace and a sense of belonging flood Deidra’s
body and mind. “I need this.” She snuggles into the cold, hard body
behind her and sighs in relief. Sleep is finally nipping at her
consciousness. “You’ll come back? Please.”

“As long as you want me, as long as you need
me, I’ll be here,” the voice promises in a whisper.

“Always, Luca, always,” she responds as sleep
swallows her conscious mind. It is a peaceful, restful sleep, the
kind that she desperately needs.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The darkness spreads along the edges of her
world. Frantically, she wanders inside the gloom as she searches.
Shadows obscure her vision; drag her down as she feels her way
through the darkness. Fear makes her feet sluggish as she seeks.
“They need me and I am failing them,” she whispers frantically as
she continues her desperate search.

Slowly a dark shadow transforms into the
image of Rolan, her husband of nineteen years. Tall and strong with
brown wavy hair and brooding dark eyes. Suddenly his familiar
handsome face turns harsh. “Why are you searching so hard? Why
waste your time? You never really cared. We were just placeholders
while you waited for your real life to begin again. You should be
happy that you are free now.”

“No Rolan, that‘s not true,” she whispers.
But his harsh demeanor doesn‘t change. His image starts to shimmer.
She knows he will disappear soon, so she quickly asks, “Where are
the kids? Where are my babies?” Rolan’s image fades. “Please stay,
tell me where my babies are!” she pleads urgently. She can hear
Rolan’s laughter echoing in the distance and her blood runs
cold.

“Rolan?” It’s too late. There’s no reply. She
knew there wouldn’t be. Rolan is gone. So are the kids. The
emptiness overwhelms her. She sobs into the darkness…and begs her
children to come back to her.

Now, the other place is pushing inward. The
darkness fades gradually. She tries to shake off the remnants of
‘the dream’ and struggles toward reality. Her eyes pop open to
another gray pre-dawn. She sighs heavily and uses the back of her
hand to wipe her tears. She lies still and stares, without seeing,
at the ceiling fan. She really doesn’t know how long she lies
there, but she eventually notices that her bedroom is now
illuminated by the soft morning light coming through the thin
curtains on her bedroom windows.

She chides herself for all the dust that has
accumulated on the blades of the ceiling fan. “I really need to get
off my ass and clean this place up,” she grunts as she crawls out
of bed and then gingerly stretches. Her left side is stiff and
pulls painfully, but the pain is less intense most days, just a
persistent ache and the accompanying debilitating stiffness. Even
the chasm in her chest is mostly just an aching emptiness. Guilt
washes over her like a tidal wave, washing away any relief she
might allow herself to feel that the pain has improved.

She looks over at the dresser to the pictures
of her babies. She kisses her fingertips and tenderly strokes the
face of each child in the photos before she decides to start her
day. “Ow, Ow!” She crabs as she limps into the bathroom without her
cane to pee. Her mouth feels putrid, again. She wonders what can be
causing it. She has woken up many, many mornings during the long
recovery with a sickening taste and smell in her mouth and nose.
She brushes her teeth a couple of times and uses mouthwash. Finally
the taste is nearly gone, so she goes to the kitchen to start the
coffee pot.

After pouring the water into the machine and
switching it on, she forces herself to pick up her planner. Not
really wanting to know what she has to do today, but knowing if she
doesn’t consult the planner and start moving she will just go back
to bed and stare at the ceiling fan all day. She has
responsibilities, and her kids wouldn’t approve of her just giving
up and lying in bed all day. And her good friend Lucian certainly
wouldn’t allow it! She remembers that she is supposed to hang out
with him today, and that lightens her mood considerably. She tries
to ignore the guilt she feels when she realizes how much better
hanging out with Lucian makes her feel.

She opens the planner to the correct day, and
groans, “Shit! Nothing until eleven o’clock!” The eleven o’clock
appointment is only for an informal talk given by a local author at
the Ada library. She’s read a few books written by this author and
was vaguely interested in meeting her. Deidra doesn’t really care
about going to hear the author speak, but she thought it would fill
a few hours of her day. “Dammit, I don’t see Lucian until one.”

She looks at the clock on the stove; it’s
only seven a.m. She sees an empty, meaningless day yawning before
her. Panic rises in her chest. “Okay, okay Dee. You can handle
this. Just go take a shower. Work the routine. Work the routine.
Follow Lucian‘s advice.” But her feet don’t move. She can feel the
blackness rising, threatening to overtake her again. She feels like
she jumps out of her skin when her cell phone rings, but she is so
relieved because it will force her to move, to function.

She fishes her phone out of her purse on the
kitchen counter and answers it on the fourth ring, “Hello?” she
breathes wondering who might be calling so early. She knows that it
is probably not her boss, Sharon, because all the paper work has
been completed and signed off on. There should not be anything for
her to do until the Friday morning I.E.P. meeting.

“Deidra? Good morning. Hey, this is Lucian
Michaels. I am sorry for the early hour, but I had a cancellation
that freed my morning up. I was wondering if you would like to come
over earlier than we had discussed.”

She chuckles because he sounds so formal on
the phone. “No problem Lucian. Honestly I am glad you called. I was
wondering how I would make myself get started this morning.” She
half-heartedly chuckles to herself. “You see, there’s a bit of a
lull in my schedule. I don’t have anything to do this morning. I
was contemplating going back to bed.”

“Deidra, why? Aren‘t you sleeping at night?”
The soothing voice asks in concern.

“Honestly, I slept better than I have in what
feels like a million years. About four solid hours, I think. Only
one dream… well, maybe two dreams.” She smiles as she tries to
recall the first ‘dream’ and says, “I’m not sure.” She shakes her
head as though to clear it. “Can we talk about this later?” she
asks. “What time do you want me to come over?”

“Whenever you can get here will be fine with
me. My morning is totally free and I really want to spend it with
you,” replies Lucian.

Deidra can’t help but grin because her friend
sounds eager to see her. “Okay. Thank you Lucian. I’ll be there
soon.”

“Dee, I am glad that my schedule opened up
this morning. I am really looking forward to hanging out with you
today. And I want to hold you to your promise.”

“What promise?”

“You promised to tell me more about your
childhood. I am thinking today is the day you should share some
more of your story. I really want to know more about you.”

She groans unhappily. “Why? Lucian, I am not
really very interesting.”

Lucian chuckles and says; “That’s a matter of
opinion.” When Deidra doesn’t respond he says firmly; “It’s time
Dee. You are strong enough, and you need to move on,” he soothes as
his voice pours over her like warm, liquid honey.

“But what if I don’t want to yet?” she asks
feeling panic rise up in her like bile. Part of her mind balks at
the whiney tone she hears in her voice, but she ignores it.

“You know it’s time,” Lucian reassures her.
“You can do it. It will make you feel better if you do. You know
that is true, right?”

“I know, Lucian. But I don’t want to do it,”
she says, sounding petulant even to her own ears.

“Deidra,” he chides, “you can do it, and you
will, because you are not the coward that you think you are. Go
shower, dress, and come on over. I am waiting.” She doesn’t respond
at first, so he says, “Or I could come over there…”

Deidra is always reluctant for Lucian to come
to her place and she panics at the thought of him popping in today.
She‘s really not doing as well as he thinks that she is and she
hates the idea of him seeing the proof of that in the way she has
been living. “Okay, okay Lucian. I’ll be there within the hour.
Goodbye.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Goodbye, Deidra.” Lucian turns his phone off
and watches his beloved close her old flip phone and get a coffee
cup out of the cabinet. She pours her coffee and sits on the
kitchen stool before resting her head on the counter. She starts
humming the lullaby that he has heard her hum so many times before.
He can only assume she had hummed it for her children. Before she
can finish the lullaby she chokes on her tears.

Lucian longs to take her into his arms and
try to ease her pain, but it would cause her all manner of
confusion if he were to drop the spell that he is hiding behind to
watch her. She doesn’t remember who he really is, or what they
really are, yet. Finally, after 45 agonizing minutes she dries her
tears and wanders into the bathroom to shower. Lucian looks at the
untouched coffee and frowns. He silently turns off the coffeemaker,
cleans the glass pot and the cup.

Whatever she was thinking of before she
opened her eyes this morning has really left her out of sorts. He
knows she was awake. She had been awake for several minutes, just
lying there with her eyes closed, when she started talking to her
former husband. Whatever happened in her daydream or vision is
causing her a lot of pain. He knows that she was asking for her
children. He feels her pain over their loss as his own.

Lucian follows her into the bathroom. She has
started the shower, brushed her teeth, again. He can smell to the
toothpaste and wonders why she seems to be obsessed with brushing
her teeth so much. Now she is mechanically stripping out of her
boxer shorts and tank top. He feels guilty for watching her like
this when she isn’t aware that he is there. But he longs for her
and misses his mate so deeply. He feels compelled to be near her
whenever he can. But it is all he can do not to take her into his
arms and try to force her to remember him, to remember who she is…
He won’t do that; he won’t do anything that causes her undue pain.
He will be patient, as long as it takes. He will watch over her,
protect her, even if she never recalls her past lives with him. So,
Lucian Michaels stands back and silently watches…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Deidra turns her car onto Lucian’s street and
drives all the way to the end of the narrow road. It‘s very quiet
out this way. The houses thin out until she sees Lucian‘s place by
itself at the end of the country road. Lucian lives on the very
edge of town. Behind the house are the woods and rocky hills that
make up the landscape in this part of southern Oklahoma.