Love According To Lily (32 page)

Another painful spasm gripped Lily, and she sat up and squeezed her eyes shut. Her mother stood, as if needing to do something, but there was of course nothing she could do.

When it was over, Lily lay back down. “I need you to know, Mother, that I hold no ill will against you. I understand why you did not want me to marry Whitby, and I accept that.”

Marion said nothing.

“And I’m sorry that I’ve always disappointed you. I never wanted to, but I had to live my own life.”

Lily had never seen her mother’s face look the way it did now. The lines on her forehead were creasing in unusual directions. “I didn’t come here to hear you apologize.”

Lily turned her face away. “Then why
did
you come? To remind me that you were right and I was wrong, and I should have listened to you? I hope that’s not the case, Mother. Not now.”

Marion paused a minute before answering. “No. I came to see if there was anything I could do.”

Lily stared coolly at her. Another pain gripped her, but she did not reach for the mask. She weathered it.

When it was over, Marion sat down again. For a long moment she said nothing, then she shook her head and sat forward. She spoke hesitantly, as if it was very difficult to get the words out.

“Lily, if anyone should be sorry…” She stopped and cleared her throat. “If anyone should be sorry, it is I.”

Lily gazed with surprise at her mother.

Marion slowly blinked. “I should have let you do what you felt you must. I should have listened. I was stubborn and I just wanted you to
obey
me.”

Lily pushed her damp hair away from her face. The chloroform was making her confused. She wasn’t quite sure what her mother was trying to say to her.
Obey me
… Was she scolding her again?

“I tried to listen to you, Mother, but you never listened to me.”

“No, I didn’t, because if you could do what
you
wanted, it meant that maybe I could have, too. But I never did because I wasn’t strong enough.”

Lily held onto her belly when the pain came again. “Not strong enough,” she said through gritted teeth. “Of course you were. All my life I feared you.”

Marion bowed her head. “Lily, since you left, I’ve been forced to think about what my life might have been like if I had been more like you—if I had defied my parents and not married your father. Perhaps if I had been brave enough, I could have been happy… like you.”

“Do I look happy now?” Lily ground out, cupping an arm around her belly.

Marion touched Lily’s forehead and gently brushed the hair off her face. It was not something she’d ever done before—
touch
Lily that way.

Lily was momentarily taken aback and overcome with a strange, most unfamiliar contentment. Her mother’s hand was warm. It was soothing, and a cry of relief broke from her lips.

With it came another spasm.

Lily breathed hard, staring up at her mother with desperation.

“Is it worse?” Marion asked.

Lily nodded.

“The doctor wants to intervene. I don’t believe he should.”

“I want to save the baby.”

“It’s too dangerous, Lily.”

“I’ve made my decision.” Lily reached for the mask and breathed deeply. “I love him, and I want to give him a child. I don’t want to leave him with nothing.”

“You haven’t. You’ve given him your love.”

Lily had never heard her mother say anything like that before. It made all of this seem unreal and illusory.

She breathed from the mask again, shaking her head. “But he never gave me his.”

“Yes, he did, Lily. He loves you. He told me so.”

Lily tried to make sense of what her mother was saying, but she felt the pull of sleep. She needed to drift off…

“I wanted to give him children,” she said breathlessly, knowing she was not thinking clearly. She could not seem to focus on anything beyond the frustration over not being able to do what she had wanted to do. She’d wanted to give this child to Whitby. She’d wanted to see his happiness. “Please don’t blame him,” she said.

“For what? For this?”

“He’s a good man, Mother. I can’t let the doctor in here until I know you believe that. I need to know that you understand why I married him, and that you and I forgive each other.”

“I understand. But there is nothing to forgive. Not for me.”

“I wanted to give him a son,” Lily said again, feeling bemused and incoherent.

Just then, a knock sounded at the door, and Whitby walked in. “The doctor is waiting,” he said. “He wants to begin.”

Lily heard her husband’s voice, but could not seem to comprehend what he was saying.

A second later, she opened her eyes briefly and he was sitting beside her and her mother was gone.

Had her mother even been here? Or had Lily dreamed it?

“I’m so sorry,” Whitby said, but Lily’s eyes closed again. She couldn’t open them. She could only feel her husband’s lips and breath upon her hand.

“I can’t live without you, Lily,” he said. “Please don’t die…”

She felt his tears on her wrist, and knew he was saying other things, but she was drifting in and out.

She let go of the mask she was clutching in her other hand and heard it drop.

“Lily?”

Lily felt another pain in her belly, then tossed her head from side to side on the pillow. She knew she was moaning. She could hear herself as if from a great distance away. Were they taking the baby out?

Then she was faintly aware of her husband rising up from the chair and running from the room.

Everything went black.

She woke to the feel of the covers being ripped almost violently from her body, and the sound of feet rushing around, people in the room, voices yelling… the doctor?

Then he shouted at her: “
Push, Lady Whitby! Push
!”

Chapter 35

It was a miracle—one of God’s own miracles. Whitby sat in the chair beside his wife, holding in his arms
a son
.

A beautiful son. A perfect son with the face of an angel. Whitby had tears in his eyes over this precious, wonderful life he and Lily had created.

He looked across at her, his beautiful wife, exhausted and weary—but alive!—and could not stop the tears. He felt joy and love, astonishing, overwhelming love like an ocean wave beneath him, sweeping him up and away. He could barely breathe, he was so happy. And Lily—she was alive. Worn out, yes, but alive.

Covered in perspiration, she was smiling at him.

She touched his shoulder. “Everything’s all right now,” she said.

He gathered his composure and managed to speak at last. He sat forward in the chair and turned so that Lily could see the baby’s face. “Look what you made, Lady Whitby.”

Lily chuckled softly and laid a weak hand on the sweet infant’s head. “Look what
we
made. He’s beautiful, isn’t he?”

“Almost as beautiful as his mother.”

“Not handsome like his father?”

Whitby stood and bent forward to kiss Lily on the forehead. “All life’s beauty comes from you. I would know none of it without you.”

She stared up at him for a moment, looking surprised. Unsure. “All I did was marry you,” she said. “Anyone could have done that. Many have certainly wanted to.”

He knew she was teasing him. Even now, after a two-day labor, she still had the spirit to be playful. But he also knew there was something else beneath that surface lightheartedness. She still had her worries. She looked both curious and guarded.

“Not just anyone,” he said. “I would never have married another. It’s only ever been you.”

Her eyes grew serious all of a sudden. “And you for me.”

“You’ve made that very clear, Lily. But I never made it clear to you, and for that I am so very sorry. I couldn’t bring myself to give in to it, or admit it.”

“Admit what?”

“That I loved you. Desperately.”

The weary expression on his wife’s face softened with the pull of tears and the marked relief of finally hearing what she had waited so long to hear. She smiled tenderly at him, as a rosy color seeped into her cheeks and a tear fell from her eye. “That’s the first time you’ve ever said that to me.”

“No, I said it to you here today, but you were…” He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. I should have said it a long time ago. I should have known it.”

Lily stared at him without blinking, as if she couldn’t dare to believe the words he’d just spoken so sincerely from his heart. But she had to believe them because they were true, and no one deserved to hear them more than she did.

“You know it now?” she asked. “Truly?”

“I’ve known it a long time, I believe. Forever perhaps. But I was so afraid of losing you, like I lost everyone else.”

“Your mother,” she said.

“Yes, and my father, my brother. My whole family.”

She laid a caring hand on his arm. “You have a new family now.”

He looked down at their child, this beautiful child they had created together out of their love during those magical nights when he had been ill and he’d let himself love Lily unreservedly.

He loved her that way now. He had been to hell and back when he thought she was dying, but he had survived, and so had she. And dear God in heaven, he would survive every day for the rest of his life because of her. He would hold nothing back, because Lily had helped him see that he could—that no matter what happened, he
could
.

“Maybe you could tell me more about your mother sometime,” she said. “And the nannies you remember. I want to know all of it. I want to know everything about you.”

“You asked me about that once before, and I wouldn’t talk to you. I won’t do that again, Lily. I’ll never turn away.” He climbed onto the bed beside her and placed their child between them. “I’ll tell you everything. You have my word. And I want to know everything about you, too. But for now, all you need to know is that I love you more than life itself, and I promise I will spend every day for the rest of my life showing you just how much.”

Lily listened to the words her husband was saying to her, and felt the most glorious joy she’d ever known filling the deepest realms of her heart. It was what she had yearned for all her life, and for the first time, she understood it and believed it. He loved her. Deeply and passionately. He truly did. Her Whitby. She wiped another tear from her eye.

“But what about the future?” she said shakily. “This labor was very difficult. You won’t worry about having more children?”

“Of course I’ll worry,” he replied. “I’ll fear it and dread it, and every birth will be another hellish experience for me, but I won’t let it stop me from giving you everything. I faced death, Lily—yours and mine both—and because of that, I now understand how beautiful
life
is, even with all its pain.”

They both looked down at their son, and Whitby touched his sweet chubby cheeks with the tip of his finger. Lily was too tired to giggle and coo the way she wanted to, but she knew there would be plenty of time for that in the days to come. The important thing was for her to recover.

“And Dr. Benjamin said it went exceedingly well once the baby started coming,” Whitby said. “That is something to be hopeful about. Perhaps next time will not be so bad.”

Lily chuckled. “I thought
I
was the hopeful one in this family.”

“Your hope must be contagious,” he replied with a smile.

Lily sighed and closed her eyes for a moment beside her husband and son, then she turned her head on the pillow to face him more directly. “Is my mother here?”

“Yes. And you should know that while you were delivering, she was with me outside your door the whole time. She wept for you, Lily. She wept for a long time on my shoulder.” Whitby gazed intently into her eyes, as if to make sure she understood what he was telling her.

More tears filled Lily’s eyes and she began to cry, but they were tears of joy.

“Would you like me to ask her to come in?” Whitby asked.

Lily wiped the tears away and shook her head.

“No. I do want to see her very soon. But right now, I’m so tired. I just want to be with
you
. You’re all I need.”

He nodded and put his arm around her. He pulled her close and kissed the top of her head, and together, the three of them let their heavy eyelids fall closed as they snuggled on the warm, cozy bed.

“I’ve never been so happy,” he whispered.

Then Lord and Lady Whitby rested quietly in the knowledge that there would be scores of other blissful moments just like this one—for many, many years to come.