Love and Lists (Chocoholics) (18 page)

SON OF A BITCH!

Throwing my phone down on the bed, I reach down with both hands and grab handfuls of Gavin’s hair, pulling his head up.

“Hey, I wasn’t finished yet,” he complains.

“Did you put chapstick on before we got in bed?” I question.

He starts to move his head back down between my legs, but I clutch tighter and hold him in place.

His face scrunches up in pain as he stares at me. “Ouch! What? Chapstick? I don’t know. I think so.”

“Give me the chapstick.”

Gavin looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. “I’m kind of in the middle of something here.”

“GIVE ME THE CHAPSTICK!” I scream.

He scrambles up on his knees and fumbles in the back pocket of his jeans, quickly pulling out the small tube of MEDICATED FUCKING CHAPSTICK.

Snatching it out of his hand, I read the ingredients.

“Active ingredients include camphor, cooling menthol, and phenol to relieve pain.”

Gavin continues to stare at me while I shoot him a dirty look.

“What?”

Sighing, I toss the chapstick at his chest. “You put on medicated chapstick before you went down on me.”

I can see by the perplexed look on his face; he still doesn’t get it.

“Tell me something. How did your lips feel right after you put on that chapstick?”

He thinks about this for a minute before responding. “Tingly. And then they numbed a little. I don’t see what the problem is. I wanted to make sure my lips were nice and smooth before I did this. You should be thanking me.”

Pulling my skirt down to cover myself, I scoot back on the bed until my back is against the headboard. “Say that again, out loud.”

“You should be thanking me,” he replies.

“No! Not that part. Sweet fucking hell … the part about your lips.”

He huffs at me and puts his hands on his hips. “Tingly. And then they numbed a lit … Ohhhhhhhhhh.”

He scrunches up his nose and winces at me. “So the whole time you couldn’t—”

“Nope.”

“And you were just making those noises so that—”

“Yep.”

He lets out a huge sigh, crawling up the bed and then sitting next to me, our shoulders touching as we both lean against the headboard and stare blankly at the wall across the room.

“So, you wanna watch a movie or something?” he asks after a few minutes of silence.

I shrug. “Sure.”

Well, it’s good to know there’s no awkwardness between us.

“I can’t believe you had sex for the first time in the back seat of a car. You are such a whore,” Ava tells me over the phone.

Even her annoying judgment can’t put me in a bad mood right now. I had sex with Gavin. I had sex with Gavin and I had not one, but two orgasms. Whoever invented vibrators should be king of the world.

“Did you tell him you love him yet?” Ava questions as I pull into Gavin’s driveway and check myself in the rearview mirror one last time before getting out of my car.

“No, not yet. There’s one more thing I want to check off of my list before I do that,” I inform her as I make my way up his front walk.

“Please tell me you aren’t doing the food one,” Ava begs.

“What? Why? That’s a fun one. And now that we’ve got the whole virginity thing out of the way, it will be awesome,” I explain.

“Alright, fine. But don’t say I didn’t warn you,” she tells me ominously before I roll my eyes and end the call.

Taking a deep breath, I reach my hand up and knock on his door. It’s been a few days since the whole losing of the virginity thing, but I am happy to say that it hasn’t been awkward between us at all. Gavin has been busy with work but we’ve talked on the phone every day. Before I finally admit that I love him and that I’ve spent all these months using a list Rocco made of things that would get him to fall in love with me, I want to have some fun.

The door opens and Gavin stands in the doorway, looking me up and down. “Nice coat.”

He smiles at me and pushes the door open wider so I can come in. I borrowed one of Molly’s white chef coats for the evening. And I’m not wearing anything underneath it.

“Are you cooking me dinner?”

I laugh and slide my hand into his, pulling him through the apartment and into his kitchen. “Nope, you know I can’t cook. I’ve got something better planned,” I tell him.

Stopping next to the fridge, I turn around to face him and unbutton the front of the coat until it’s draped open and I’m just standing in a matching black lace bra and thong.

“Never mind. That coat sucks,” he mutters as he stares at me.

He moves to come closer and I hold up my hand in front of him. “Nope. You just stay right there and close your eyes.”

Gavin does as I ask and I quickly turn to the fridge and open the door.

“Are you making yourself a snack?” he asks with a laugh.

“Shush! Don’t move and keep your eyes closed.”

Bending down to stare into the fridge, I have a moment of doubt as I stare at the vast emptiness in front of me. How the hell am I going to do this? I knew I should have stopped at the store before I came here. Glancing around quickly, I grab the first bottle I see and quickly shut the door. Pulling up on the lid, I squirt the best upside down heart I can manage on my chest.

“Okay, you can open your eyes now,” I tell him.

Gavin blinks his eyes open and stares. “Wow. Okay. Still hot. But what is that?” he asks, pointing to the heart.

“It’s mustard. And you’re going to lick it off me,” I tell him with a confident smile.

This was such a better idea when I imagined it with chocolate sauce in my head.

“Mustard … I’m going to … yeah. That’s hot. That’s totally hot. I’m okay with this.”

He walks up to me and gulps before lowering his head slower than I’ve ever seen him move. He scrunches up his face like he’s in pain, and I’m starting to get a complex here.

“Is something wrong? I have a heart on my boobs that needs to be removed with your tongue,” I remind him.

His mouth is hovering a few inches from my boobs, and he shakes his head back and forth quickly. “Nope. Nothing wrong. Nothing wrong at all. You are totally hot and I am going to lick this … mustard off of you. I’m going to do it and it’s going to be awesome.”

Right now it sounds like he’s giving himself a pep talk instead of reassuring me that he’s good.

I know it’s not chocolate sauce, but come on! Half naked woman standing here! I close my eyes as he starts to move forward again and right when I feel his warm breath on my chest and anticipate the feel of his tongue against my skin, I hear a gagging sound. Popping my eyes open, I look down at him.

“Are you gagging right now? Oh my God, Gavin! You’re totally gagging when your mouth is right by my boobs!” I shout.

“It’s … not … your … boobs! I … love … your … boobs!” he yells, gagging in between each word as he backs away.

“I cannot believe you’re gagging!” I tell him, stomping my foot.

“Oh God, I’m sorry! I hate … mustard. Oh Jesus, I thought I could do this but I can’t. It’s … mustard … fuck … mustard is … uuugghh … mustard.”

“WILL YOU STOP SAYING
MUSTARD
IF IT MAKES YOU SICK?!” I shout, reaching for a towel on the counter and quickly wiping the mustard heart off of my chest.

“Why the hell do you have mustard in your fridge if you hate it?” I demand.

“I don’t know! I’m a dude. Dudes always have mustard in their fridge!”

“There, is that better?” I ask, tossing the towel into the sink and holding my arms out.

“Yes, much better,” he tells me with a sigh as he moves back toward me.

He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me up against him. Just as soon as our bodies touch, he pushes me away and takes a step back.

“Nope, not better. I can still smell it. Oh Jesus, it’s so mustardy!”

His hand is covering his mouth at this point and he’s bent over at the waist. In an angry huff, I turn around and march back to the fridge, flinging the door open and grabbing random items. I take the lid off of the first bottle in my arsenal, whirl around, and start pitching it in his general direction. A-1 sauce rains down on his head and all over the kitchen floor.

His head jerks up as I empty the bottle and then toss it to the side, flipping up the lid on the squeeze-bottle of ketchup tucked under my arm before bringing it up above my head in both hands.

“You wouldn’t.”

“Oh, I would,” I threaten before squeezing hard on the bottle. An arc of ketchup flies out and hits Gavin right in the chest.

He blinks at me in shock and then charges. Squealing, I throw the ketchup bottle to the ground and turn to run, but my foot slides right through a ketchup/A-1 mixture and I slip across the floor, landing right on my ass. Gavin jumps over me and opens the fridge, quickly turning around and dumping a jar of black olives and all the juice on top of my head.

“Eeew, eew, eew! Black olives are disgusting!” I screech.

“Yeah, how do you like it now, bitch!”

I stop screaming and glare up at him.

“Oops, my bad. Please don’t kill me,” he pleads.

“Gavin, you seriously need to get your mailing address changed. I’m getting tired of bringing over your—”

Uncle Carter stops at the doorway to the kitchen and looks back and forth between the two of us. I quickly pull the chef coat closed and avoid looking at him while I button it back up.

“Hey, Dad. So, what’s new?” Gavin asks casually as he leans against the fridge.

Reaching over, I smack him in the leg and hold my hand out to him with an angry glare. He quickly grabs my hand and pulls me up off of the floor, moving me behind him so I’m not standing in front of his father, half-naked and covered in black olive juice.

“Well, at least you’re not naked with Tyler again,” Uncle Carter says with a sigh.

Gavin looks at me and whispers. “Don’t ask.”

Uncle Carter turns and walks out of the kitchen.

“Follow me,” he shouts back to us.

Gavin and I stare at each other for a few minutes before he shrugs and grabs my hand, pulling me into the living room behind his dad. We find him sitting on the couch with his elbows on his knees and his hands clasped. I’m not going to lie, I’m a little freaked out right now. Uncle Carter is usually never this quiet. Is he going to yell at us? Be disappointed that we’re kind of sort of together and haven’t told the family?

“I was really afraid of this happening,” Uncle Carter finally says with a sigh as we stand in front of him with our heads bowed like two kids at the principal’s office.

Oh my God, here it comes. He’s going to tell us what a bad idea it is for us to be together. He knows Gavin doesn’t love me and that it’s only going to end in disaster.

Uncle Carter raises his head and looks back and forth between the two of us. “Be honest with me here. How long has this been going on?”

My heart is racing a mile a minute and I kind of want to cry. I can’t believe this is happening.

“Um, like a week? Or something,” Gavin mumbles.

“A week. Okay. Okay, we can fix this. That’s not enough for any long-term damage,” Uncle Carter says reassuringly.

Except I am NOT reassured. I am not reassured at all. What kind of long-term damage is he talking about? It’s official. I’m going to have to marry my fake, gay boyfriend and spend the rest of my life never having awesome sex with the man I love ever again.

“I don’t think we’ll need hypnosis. Maybe just some mind-altering drugs. I wonder if acid would work. I’ve never done acid. It should be perfectly safe in small doses,” Uncle Carter tells us.

“Dad, what the fuck are you talking about? I love Charlotte. We’re not taking acid and nothing needs to be fixed,” Gavin argues.

Wait, what the fuck?!

“I know you love her. Love has nothing to do with this,” Uncle Carter complains.

I say again, THE FUCK?!

“Love has everything to do with it!” Gavin shouts.

“Gavin, I don’t think you understand the seriousness of this situation. Look at the two of you. You’re so young. It’s not a path you want to go down.”

“Dad, are you high right now? Seriously. Has Tyler been to your house? Did you eat any little pieces of chocolate he might have left behind?” Gavin demands.

“Gavin, listen to me. Whatever Uncle Drew and Aunt Jenny have taught you, there’s still time for you to unlearn it. There’s still hope for both of you to live normal, happy lives,” Uncle Carter pleads.

“Dad, you are talking out of your ass right now. We are already living normal, happy lives.” Gavin wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls me in close to him. A black olive covered in ketchup drops out of my hair and lands on the ground by my feet with a
splat.

Uncle Carter looks back and forth at us. “But you’re covered in food. First it’s food, then it’s Skittles and a trip to the emergency room, and the next thing you know, you’re out on the streets begging strangers for honey and jumper cables. JUST SAY NO to weird sex, GAVIN!”

Gavin starts to laugh and I probably would too if I wasn’t in complete and utter shock at the words that came out of his mouth a few seconds ago.

“Dad, we have not been taking sex lessons from Uncle Drew and Aunt Jenny. Don’t worry,” Gavin reassures him.