Love and Other Ways of Dying (35 page)

In Nanjing, the bridge remained butterless, even as the city spit out its victims. Nanjing was now just another one of your typical six-million-person Chinese metropolises, one of the famous “Three Furnaces” of China because of its unremitting summer heat. Daytime temperatures regularly topped ninety degrees here—due to hot air being trapped by the mountains at the lower end of the Yangtze River valley … and, oh yeah,
because all the trees had been chopped down
—and the sun rarely shone. Meanwhile, the city continued to explode in the noonday of the country’s hungry expansion. The past was being abandoned at an
astonishing rate, the new skyscrapers and apartment buildings replacing the old neighborhoods. Everything—and everyone—was disposable. Schisms formed. The bridge loomed. Loss led to despair, which in turn led to Mr. Chen.

I’d come through thirteen time zones just to see him. Once free of the taxi, I began trudging, a quarter mile or so, the bridge trembling under the weight of its traffic, piled with noisy green taxis and rackety buses, some without side panels or mufflers. Unlike the suspended wonder of Brooklyn or the quixotic
ponts
of Paris, this couldn’t have been mistaken for anything but stolid Communist bulwark: At its apex, the bridge was about 130 feet above the water; was built with two twenty-story “forts,” spaced one mile apart, that from a distance had the appearance of huge torches; and contained two hundred inlaid reliefs that included such exhortations as
Our country is led by the working class
and
Long live the unity of the people.
A brochure claimed that the bridge was both the first of its kind designed solely by Chinese engineers, and also “ideal for bird-watching.” People teemed in both directions. Umbrellas unfurled, poked, and were ripped from their rigging, leaving sharp spiders dangling overhead. As I registered the passersby—their eyes fixed downward—everyone seemed a candidate for jumping, marching in that mournful parade.

He was close now. I could tell by the banners and messages—some were flags, some were just scraps of paper—that fluttered earnestly from the bridge.
Value life every day
, read one.
Life is precious
, declared another. His cell-phone number was emblazoned everywhere, including graffitied stamps he’d left on the sidewalk, ones I tried to decipher beneath the blur of so many passing feet. And then Mr. Chen came into view, conspicuous for being the only still point in that sea of motion … and the only one sporting a pair of clunky binoculars, the only one watching the watchers of the river.

He stood at full attention at the South Tower. Perched off
one side of the structure was a concrete platform surrounded by Plexiglas, a capsule of sorts where yawning sentries did their own dubious monitoring of the bridge through a mounted spyglass, as if conducting a sociological study at a great remove. The sentries looked like kids, while Mr. Chen, who stood out front on the sidewalk, among the people, looked every bit of his forty years. He had a paunch, blackened teeth, and the raspy cough of an avid smoker—and he never stopped watching, even when he allowed himself a cigarette, smoking a cheap brand named after the city itself. He wore a baseball cap with a brim that poked out like an oversized duck’s bill, like the Cyrano of duck bills, the crown of which read
They spy on you.

Six years earlier, working as a functionary for a transportation company, Mr. Chen had read a story about the bridge in the paper, about bodies raining down to their end. Soon after, he quietly took his post at the South Tower. Ever since then, when not working his job, he’d been up on the bridge, pulling would-be’s from the railing. According to a blog he kept, he’d saved 174 jumpers—and in the process had been hailed as one of China’s great Good Samaritans. Of those he saved, some small number met near the bridge every year around Christmas to celebrate their new lives and ostensibly to offer their thanks. As part of the ceremony, they calculated their new ages from the date of their salvation. In this born-again world, no one was older than six.

Back home I’d stumbled on Mr. Chen’s blog one day, reading it in jumbled Google translation, and became riveted by his blow-by-blow of life on the bridge. There’d been the husband and wife who’d jumped hand in hand. There’d been the man dressed in black, floating there on the water’s surface as a boat tried to reach him, until the current finally sucked him away. Another fellow had been pulled off the railing, back onto the bridge, and in the fight that ensued—one during which Mr. Chen had to enlist
the help of others—the man had bitten his tongue in half and nearly bled to death on the sidewalk, leaving Mr. Chen covered in blood.

Mr. Chen’s blog entries were sometimes their own desperate pleas:
Lovelorn girls of Henan, where are you?
read one. But more often they were a subdued, pointillistic chronicle of the day’s dark news:… 
Middle-aged man jumped off bridge where the body fell to the flower bed: died on the spot.… Speaking in northern accent, man gave me a cigarette, said: Alas! Wives and children.… A woman in the southeast fort jumped in riverbed, dead on spot.… Next to statue at southwest fort, man died jumping to concrete, one leg thrown from body, only blackened blood left behind. Meaningless life!

And yet standing sentry among the hordes, Mr. Chen seemed a bit comical, or his mission seemed the ultimate act of absurdity. How could he possibly pick out the suicidal on a four-mile-long bridge? Were they marked somehow, glowing only for him? As no one seemed to pay him any attention, he was forced to take himself twice as seriously. And he was so engrossed in the Kabuki of his work that it occurred to me how easy a mark he might make for a practical joker tying shoelaces together. Had his heroics only been a figment of his imagination? Was he as unstable somehow as his jumpers? And was he serious with those binoculars, especially with visibility reduced to fifty yards or so in the murk? When I introduced myself, he waved me off. “Not now,” he said gruffly. “I’m working.”

Then his binoculars shot up to his eyes, sheltered by the bill of his cap, and he fumbled with the focus knob while gazing deep into the masses, searching, it would seem, for that fleeting infrared flare of despair, for the moment when he’d be called into action, ready for his hero moment.

One’s reasons for being on the bridge belonged to the mysterious underworld in all of us, but to choose to die so publicly, so dramatically—turning languid flips or dropping straight as a pin—was something I couldn’t quite understand. After all the humiliation one suffered, all the monotonies and losses, the erasures and disintegrations, after being constantly consumed by society, was it a small reclamation of the self? And what would it feel like to fly, to prove you could? The mere flicker of that idea seemed almost too dangerous to consider. If you let it in, is that when you started to feel the pull of this other force? Could it be stopped?

There were the Stoics, who justified suicide, and the Christians, who condemned it. There was the honorable
seppuku
of samurai, and the cowardly cyanide of Nazis. And there were suicide’s other famous practitioners: Virginia Woolf, entering the River Ouse with a heavy stone in her pocket; Walter Benjamin, overdosing on morphine in a hotel room in Spain in the belief that he was about to be turned over to the Nazis; Sylvia Plath, turning on the gas … and then, later, her son, too, by hanging. Meriwether Lewis shot himself in the chest; Kurt Cobain, in the head. There were Spanish matadors and Congolese pygmies. Auntie Em from
The Wizard of Oz
and Tattoo from
Fantasy Island.
William James, the great humanist philosopher, tilting dangerously close to self-annihilation, wrote his father, “Thoughts of the pistol, the dagger, and the bowl began to usurp an unduly large part of my attention,” and later proclaimed, “I take it that no man is educated who has never dallied with the thought of suicide.”

Those on the bridge weren’t dallying anymore. They’d come, one after the other, to jump, their lives reduced to this single sliver. Beneath the hum and blare of traffic came that insidious sucking sound. How could just one man stop it?

Mr. Chen appeared to have a very strict routine on the bridge, no matter if it was snowing, blowing, or broiling heat. He stood at full attention at the South Tower, where a large percentage of his encounters came within the first one hundred meters past the fort, in that area of the bridge that spanned from the riverbank to the river itself. “In so much pain,” he would tell me, “they jump the second they think they’re over the mother river. And a lot of them miss the water.”

His routine called for maintaining his station for about forty minutes out of every hour—then he fired up his moped, an unconvincing contraption on the verge of breakdown, and putted off down the sidewalk, weaving between walkers, like John Wayne astride a miniature Shetland pony. These were his rounds, up and down the bridge, motoring out one mile to the North Tower and then turning back. If he sniffed trouble out there, he might linger—in some cases might be gone hours—but today he reappeared a short time later, stitching deftly through the crowd, then kickstanding his Rocinante and resuming his same exact position, his same exact suspicious disposition, his same exact focused gruffness beneath the bill of his cap. Though he was stout, with plump hands, he held himself like a much bigger person, like the one he felt himself to be when on the bridge.

The sky roiled and spit, as if we were lost inside some potion. Again, the scent of diesel and fish. After fifteen minutes or so, I had a splitting headache, and yet Mr. Chen stood nearly stock-still, unfazed, scanning the crowd with binoculars. His life was a grand monotony, but in his stillness and stasis, the possibility for calamity existed in every moment, and that’s what kept him coiled and at the ready.

Mr. Chen would later describe a recurring nightmare that went like this: Someone was up on the railing, and he was sprinting as fast as he could to save the jumper. Over and over, he would arrive too late, as the body pushed from the railing to the hungry
maw below. He said that he’d been visited on the bridge by a foreign psychiatrist who asked him if he might draw a picture of whatever came to mind. So he did: of a large mountain disappearing up into the clouds, which the psychiatrist interpreted as Mr. Chen trying to carry the weight of the weightless sky. Or something like that. Mr. Chen was fuzzy on the details and didn’t have much time for this nonsense. The encounter smudged into the same colorlessness of every other colorless moment in the colorless flow of time on the bridge.

The rain had let up and the fog shifted, though the weekend traffic had worsened—the city dwellers heading out to the country, the country dwellers heading into the city. I meandered out on the bridge for a moment, away from the tower and the armed sentries and Mr. Chen, who didn’t seem to care a whit about me unless I planned to jump. As I gazed downriver, in the easterly direction of Shanghai, a shipyard with an enormous crane appeared in the near distance while a temple loomed with its wooden pagoda on a hill. Skimming the river’s brown, roiling surface came a steady, dirgelike stream of barges loaded with lumber, coal, containers, and sand. The view into its muddy waters was not for the faint of heart. There were two ways to die from here: on impact with the water’s surface, which at sixty-five miles per hour is like hitting concrete, the shattering of bone and internal organs, the instant blackout and massive bleeding, the general pancaking and dismemberment of the body—or by drowning, by somehow surviving the impact and waking underwater, swept away in the current, unable to muster a frog kick given the various possible combinations of broken pelvis/femur/back/jaw, etc. Below, the waters eddied and swirled, etching a secret language on the surface. When a train passed, the whole bridge seemed to buckle and sway, causing me to clutch the railing.

One of Mr. Chen’s blog entries was simply entitled “Girl’s Tears.” It told the tale of a girl from the country who’d come to the bridge, not far from this spot here, to end her life. It started with the observation that tears shed by girls were like tears of angels “that come from disappointment—or was it regret?” This was a runaway, said Mr. Chen, and she stood “tummy railing,” looking down at the water, despondent. When Mr. Chen approached, he gave her three options: (1) leave the bridge, (2) call emergency services for help, or (3) let Mr. Chen take her to his house, where she could live for a time with him, his wife, and their daughter. Mr. Chen took her phone and called her belligerent boyfriend, and as he spoke to him, she climbed the railing to jump. He seized her hand; she pulled away, climbing higher on the railing, teetering for a second there. He tore her from the railing, but as the police arrived, she ran into traffic, then tried to disappear in the crowd. The police apprehended her and took her away. It was over just like that. One second he could feel her breath on him; the next she was gone, and Mr. Chen, tough as he was, claimed to have burst into tears.