Love and Respect (35 page)
This wife is one of many I could quote who has taken that vital step toward maturity that you may need to take. As you do so, remember that you will be tested because your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ. Some people fear God’s tests—they think He might be mean or somehow deceptive. You must understand something crucial about God’s tests. He does not test you to show you how dumb, insincere, and sinful you are. He tests you to show you that you
can
do this, and when you do, your inner freedom will increase (see James 1:2–12). Don’t be afraid of God’s testing. As soon as you let Him know that you want to take this step, He will allow you to enter into the discipline of this new way of thinking.
So, in your mind’s eye, step into the future. Try to envision where and when the first test might come. What might your spouse do or say that will test you? When it happens, the Lord will speak gently and softly. He will help and strengthen you. But now is the moment to make the decision to change. Do it now—and never look back!
CONCLUSION
PINK AND BLUE CAN MAKE
GOD’S PURPLE
O
ne of the favorite analogies in our Love and Respect Conferences is comparing women and men to pink and blue. There is an immediate ripple of recognition and agreement in the audience when I talk about how she sees through pink sunglasses and hears with pink hearing aids while his world is shaded in blue. He sees life differently through blue sunglasses and hears what she is saying differently through blue hearing aids.
Although it is impossible to sum up the Love and Respect Connection with one illustration, the obvious difference between pink and blue is a good start. Because husband and wife see and hear differently, they can’t easily decode the signals they send each other. The result is the Crazy Cycle: without love (her deepest need), she reacts without respect (his deepest need); without respect (his deepest need), he reacts without love (her deepest need).
We spent part 1 talking about how to recognize and slow down the Crazy Cycle. We learned, however, there is no way to get rid of the Crazy Cycle completely. Because pink and blue are human, the Crazy Cycle is always there, ready to spin. The key is knowing how to spot trouble before it starts, how to keep the Crazy Cycle in its cage.
In part 2, we looked at the best way to keep the Crazy Cycle contained by having wives show husbands respect and then having husbands show wives their love. We call this the Energizing Cycle: his love motivates her respect; her respect motivates his love.
We learned all kinds of practical, as well as biblical, ways to do this: six for him and six for her. All the tools in C-O-U-P-L-E and C-H-A-I-R-S are extremely useful, but improving marriages takes more than helps and how-tos. One husband wrote to tell me he had attended a Love and Respect Conference and found it a breath of fresh air. He and his wife had been going to marriage conferences during the twenty-six years of their marriage, and he felt they always did one of two things: taught lots of techniques or preached the “men are bad” message. He had become convinced that focusing on human effort and training to improve marriages missed the heart of God’s call to walk in the Spirit.
As he listened to our presentation of the Love and Respect Connection, he appreciated the Energizing Cycle, but he was more impressed by the Rewarded Cycle (his love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love). He realized that he had been “loving” his wife out of endurance and obligation. His letter continues:
Endurance is a good thing and it has probably preserved our marriage to this point, but my joy tank has been empty for about twenty-five of my twenty-six years of marriage. Through your message, the Lord breathed new life into me and has given me a new joy and freedom to love.
This husband’s letter gets to the very heart of our Love and Respect message. We are not simply about helping you save or improve your marriage. Those can be very important by-products, but the real purpose behind showing love and respect to one another is to glorify God and to obey what He teaches in His Word.
Only recently have I seen the key passage of this book in a new light. Ephesians 5:31–33 says, “ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ ” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (NIV).
Paul is, indeed, correct when he says marriage is a profound mystery. How can two become one? In math, two is never one. Think about it: can you see a man and a woman coming together into one being? In your mind’s eye, what do you envision? Some sort of unisex figure? Or we might ask ourselves, “Is each to be what the other is? How can a wife be one with her husband if he is to be one with her?” We say, “Well, the husband would have to become more feminine, more pink.” But turn the question around. “How can a husband be one with his wife if she is to be one with him?” Now we tell ourselves, “It seems the wife has to become more masculine, more blue.” But a male is not to be a female nor a female a male! So how are two to become one?
Paul answers the question in verse 33. The best and most practical way for two to become one is through the Love and Respect Connection. Oneness is undermined, not through daily problems, but when he has an unloving attitude and she has a disrespectful attitude. Said in another way, if two people agreed on every decision but she still felt unloved and he still felt disrespected, neither would feel one with the other. But as a husband puts on love, especially during conflict, his wife will feel one with him. When a wife puts on respect during those moments, the husband will feel one with his wife. A disagreement may not be solved, but oneness will be experienced. When a wife feels her need for love is met, she bonds with her husband. When a husband feels his need for respect is being met, he bonds with his wife. This can happen simultaneously. Two do, indeed, become one!
There is much information in this book. Many people have said that they have never heard this particular slant on marriage, but all this information is nothing without trust, love, and reverence for the Lord. The road to a lasting Love and Respect marriage is a lifelong one, and there is no way you can travel it in your own strength. The task is overwhelming, and you need help from your heavenly Father, who knows your heart. If you want to do your marriage as unto Christ, you must ask Christ for help. Remember, Jesus said, “Apart from me you can do nothing” (John 15:5).
HAVE YOU REALLY TRIED PRAYER?
I often tell couples that they should try prayer. That sounds like a cliché, I know, but I repeat, try prayer. Talk to God. It is amazing to me how many people say they think about praying but never really pray. Scripture says, “You do not have because you do not ask” (James 4:2).
I’m not talking about reciting your wish list to God. James 4:2 does not refer to asking God for health and wealth. It is talking about asking for power to cope with life’s real problems. If anything is heard in heaven, it is the unselfish prayer, based on the heart of God. Too many people pray, “God, here is what is on my heart. Please fulfill my desires for me.” What we should be praying is, “God, here is what is on
Your
heart. Please fulfill Your desires
in
me.”
What is on God’s heart is clearly spelled out in Scripture: that husband and wife be one. I am told that when blue blends with pink, it becomes purple and that purple is God’s color—the color of royalty. The way for pink and blue to blend is spelled out in Ephesians 5:33: “[Every husband] also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (NIV). Here is the key to blending together to reflect the very image of God.
Quoting Ephesians 5:33 is easy enough, but living it in the daily here and now takes commitment. Hear the words of husbands and wives who are committed to living out the Love and Respect Connection in any and all circumstances:
I have regained my walk with God in a way that has convinced me that this trial has produced a good result . . . I am committed to the restoration of my marriage, whatever it takes.
Although I know our marriage has never been all that happy and I have biblical grounds for divorce. . . . I have decided to stay . . . my husband says he is committed to our marriage now and is willing to do what it takes.
We are both too committed to Christ to divorce. We have several strikes against us. My husband is a doctor and I am an RN, so we have a medical marriage—which equals a high divorce rate. We are the parents of a handicapped child—which equals a high divorce rate. We experienced a child’s death—which equals a high divorce rate. We are totally committed to Jesus and the marriage; however, we just don’t like each other very much. The term one marriage counselor used was the “gruesome twosome.” Now we are the grandparents of two special needs children, which is even more stressful. All that to say, we have been through many marriage programs [and] all these things together were not as helpful as your simple message from Ephesians 5:33. For the first time in our lives, I can talk to him . . . we are trying to love and like each other for the rest of the years we have together. We’re back on track to Love and Respect one another again.
Two years in this marriage have been the most painful of my life. . . . I have been begging God to let me out of this, but I am committed to my vow and I KNOW leaving isn’t HIS will.
I have learned to be keenly aware of what I am communicating (including facial expressions and tone of voice) and my husband has responded by allowing me to tell him when I am feeling unloved. We have avoided the Crazy Cycle completely since I committed to being obedient to God in this.
All of the above letters—and we could quote many, many more—thrill us, but especially gratifying was a letter we received from a lady who had gone through the pain of an unfaithful husband. She went through obsession, depression, and “insanity” before, during, and after the divorce. Her view of men dropped well below zero. She decided to try to reconcile with her ex-husband for the sake of her two boys, but she had little hope for a fulfilling marriage. Then she found a class taught by her aunt, offering our Love and Respect series. She had heard plenty from the church about being submissive, but not much about being respectful. The class changed her life forever. She learned to bury her baggage and understood for the first time the real meaning of submission and respecting men. She decided to quit men-bashing and realized men were part of God’s perfect design instead of God’s mistakes. As she concluded her letter to us, she said:
Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives . . . we should do all this as unto God, not as unto the person, but
for God
because He commanded us. . . . All of you have definitely earned a reward in heaven as a result of the changes that your efforts made in me. “CHA-CHING! CHA-CHING!”
Perhaps there is no better note to conclude on than that. Every move that any of us makes to teach, share, or cause Love and Respect results in the sound that comes ringing across the heavenlies as those billion angels pull down on that big lever.
Cha-ching! Cha-ching! Cha-ching!
Dear Father,
I need You. I cannot love or respect perfectly, but I know You hear me when I ask You for help. Forgive me where I have been unloving or disrespectful. I open my heart to You, Father. I will not be fearful or angry at You or my spouse. I see myself and my spouse in a whole new light, and I forgive my spouse. I will appreciate my spouse as different, not wrong. Lord, fill my heart with love and reverence for You. Ultimately, this is about You and me. It isn’t about my spouse. Thank you for this enlightenment. My greatest reward comes from doing this unto You. Prepare me this day for those moments of conflict. I especially ask You to put love or respect in my heart when I feel unloved or disrespected. There is no credit for loving or respecting when it is easy. At this moment, I believe You hear me. I anticipate Your response. I have on my heart what is on Your heart. I thank You in advance for helping me take the next step. I believe You will reward me, and I believe this touches Your heart as I do this unto You. It’s between You and me. I am a true believer.
In the name of Jesus Christ,
Amen.
Always ask yourself:
• Is what I am about to say or do going to feel unloving to her?
• Is what I am about to say or do going to feel disrespectful to him?
Things to remember:
• Even though feeling disrespected, pull back from being unloving toward her.
• Even though feeling unloved, pull back from being disrespectful toward him.
• When she is being critical or angry, she is crying out for your love; her intent is not to be disrespectful.
• When he is being harsh, or stonewalling you, he is crying out for respect; his intent is not to be unloving.
• If you defend your lack of love, she will feel unloved.
• If you defend your lack of respect, he will feel disrespected.
• When you feel disrespected, you tend to react in unloving ways and don’t see it.
• When you feel unloved, you tend to react disrespectfully and don’t see it.
• When you feel disrespected, it is not natural for you to be loving in return; you must love her in an act of obedience to Christ.
• When you feel unloved, it is not natural for you to be respectful in return; you must respect him in an act of obedience to Christ.
• Ultimately you show your love for Christ when you unconditionally love your wife. If you are not loving your wife unconditionally, you are not loving Christ.
• Ultimately you show your reverence for Christ when you unconditionally respect your husband. If you are not respecting your husband unconditionally, you are not reverencing Christ.