Love and Secrets (2 page)

Six months later,
Sarah was just getting her life in some sort of rhythm. Work had surprisingly
become something that she really enjoyed and she had already been promoted. She
had realized that her life satisfaction now included a career, something that
she had never considered before, and it felt good. She had gone on a number of
dates, had some amazing experiences, both in and out of bed, but the rawness of
her heart was still a major issue that she had not been able to get over.
Sarah’s new friends were both interesting and diverse in ways that opened up
new thinking for Sarah.  She had been happy to listen to their philosophies of
life, religion, family and love, and there were always interesting
conversations and lively discussions. Sarah started to understand that the life
that she had planned with Adrian was only one way of living, and that change
could be a good and interesting. It was not a question of right and wrong but
of working out where your own boundaries lie, and being willing to accept
change, forced or initiated.

As the days were
becoming longer and warmer, parties were becoming more spontaneous with little
organization or fanfare. One such occasion happened with the arrival of Amy’s
brother and friend for a weekend by the sea. Sarah had opened the door to two
most gorgeous looking men, James was tall dark and handsome, while Liam was
average height, with curly blonde hair that fell over his forehead and a buffed
body showing every different muscle that had been sculptured. Liam asked for
Amy, and was told that she was not in by Sarah, who became inquisitive, invited
them in, offered them drinks and chips and had started up general conversation,
learning from Liam that he was Amy’s brother and James, silent, his best mate.
Amy had suggested they come for a visit but had forgotten to inform Sarah.

Sarah heart was
pounding, but it was not for Liam but the mild unpretentious James. He was like
nobody she had ever met with a confident gentleness that seemed to mend her
heart completely within moments of their meeting. His dark features also gave
him strength that Sarah had no recollection of ever encountering before. It was
the strength of a tree that you were able to climb, use as shelter against
nature’s elements, and find serenity when you just looked out from it. James
felt safe but not in a mundane type of way, but the type that would always
encourage you, stand in front, beside and behind you with ease and have an
outstretched hand ready to catch you if you tripped. For the first time since
leaving Rosedale her logic and common sense had gone out the window and all she
wanted was to connect with him on an entirely intimate level. Dreams flashed in
front of her. The same dreams that she had when she was with Adrian.

When Amy arrived
she was ecstatic to see them both, and all four went off for dinner within the
hour. Chatter between the four of them was effortless, with Amy and Liam trying
to outdo each other with childhood mischief stories. Sarah could not help but
notice the familiarity between Amy and James.

The boys had
finished their year at university and had decided to spend some time in Sydney.
The weekend was now turning into an indefinite stay. This had turned into a
mild disaster for Sarah as the pairing was Amy and James, Sarah and Liam. Sarah
had little time and opportunity to be close to James, rarely were they alone,
and if it did happen the time was short and uncomfortable. This awkwardness,
she was sure, was due not only the chemistry but the lust that she felt for him
and she was positive that he felt for her. Last weekend the four of them sat in
a booth with Sarah in between James and Liam, James was nearly sitting on top
of Sarah or was it the other way around. Never the less, the contact of their
thighs made Sarah feel like a love sick puppy. At one point, James and Sarah
found themselves alone in the kitchen. Instead of gracefully maneuvering around
each other all they could do was to bump into each other, spilling food onto
the floor and them both trying to clean it up. Eventually James took Sarah's
elbow and helped her up but not before an extra moment of gazing into each other’s
eyes, this moment gone with the noise of the bedroom door opening and the
appearance of Liam. It had happened in a flash, but the impact was enduring.

After three
weeks Liam had decided he had had enough and was ready to go home. He liked
Sarah, but he seemed to sense that she was unavailable, the feeling and the
reality did not add up. Amy and Liam had discussed Sarah’s broken engagement
and he had put her feelings and this past experience together to analyze her as
not ready for a relationship. Amy, on the other hand, could not stop talking
about James and how they had grown so much closer. She had confided in Sarah
and again she felt a sudden pang of jealousy. As Liam and James packed up to
leave, Sarah had feelings of regret, sadness and emptiness within herself due
to her inability to make better connections with James. The car packed, a kiss
on the cheek from both and a wave goodbye, James was out of her life.

Sarah mood did
not improve over the next days. The weather had turned sour also. The bright
sunny days had given way to a wet windy weekend. Sarah had put on her boots and
raincoat to venture out into the world that seemed to be her nemesis. As she
walked down the hill to the ocean her heart and the weather felt as one.

The wind was at
time angry and fierce and at other times still and silent. A turn of a corner
could dictate velocity and speed of gushes of wind and emotion. The sky and the
sea were indistinct on the horizon as the grays matched each other with a
remarkable likeness. The change of color came when the water became shallow
close to shore. When the rain came you could only see the whites of the waves
and the world seemed endless and void. The similarity between this scene and
Sarah's feeling, the eternal grayness, the close range color change that did
not continue for any length, reminded her of how life was not a rosy plan drawn
up in a fairyland. The park that was used continually for boot camps, fitness
training sessions and even golf practice was lifeless. Great puddles of muddy
water had formed wherever the land had sunk under the pressure of this weight.
Calmness prevailed somewhere out to sea but the eruption of turmoil that the
water made as it hit the coast was chaotic.

An internal
oasis kept Sarah walking, she could not and did not want to get over James, but
it all seemed impossible. She had added him as a friend on Facebook and had
also found his phone number by snooping on Amy’s phone but could not bring
herself to get in contact with him as she had heard Amy speaking to him
continually. Sarah had hoped that James would find a way to contact her but
this did not happened, she would look at her phone persistently, praying for a
message or something from him. She had to, however, find a way, going behind
Amy’s back was not the way as he would not tolerate deception, all would be
lost if she went down that road. She knew that she and James were meant for
each other; just the same as she knew that she and Adrian were destined to be
together. It made no sense but reason and logic were lost to Sarah at this
moment.

Over the next
month, work was to become Sarah’s savior as it kept her busy with late nights
and lots of overtime. Sarah put all her heart and soul into work and when it
encroached on her weekends she had no hesitation in being up to the challenge. She
strived for perfection and would find herself often rewriting reports that had
already gone on to management. The mask of a happy and contented person was
working well and Sarah was in a place of comfort, at least on the surface.

It was Sarah’s
first free weekend since Liam and James had left. Laying in bed she heard a
knock on the door. She listened and heard Liam’s voice; he had arrived to take
Amy to a family commitment up north somewhere. Sarah assumed that James was
also going but there was only one voice. Once they departed she rolled over,
tried to go back to sleep with no success, and eventually got up. She had not
been shopping for ages so after breakfast she showered, gathered her things and
headed for the front door. Sitting on the step was James! There was a mirror
image of excitement, amazement and disbelief on their faces. He stood up
blocking the stairs with his body that oozed strength and sex appeal. Sarah
could do nothing but stand, with emptiness coming out of her mouth. James
picked her up and placed her back in the apartment with one easy and effortless
motion.

Sarah tried to
speak but James put his finger lightly on her lips and kicked open her bedroom
door, it was all too much, all the sexual tension that they had shared now took
on an urgency of a deadline that had to be met. The lust needed attention
immediately, with both flinging off their own clothes without a moment’s
hesitation. A button that would not release itself was ripped off and within
moments the explosive sexual gratification was over. Both lay on the bed
looking at the ceiling, they glanced at each other and repeated the ritual of
lustful sex. The same thing happened again and again, still not a word had been
spoken, the emotions that they had both bottled up had released themselves in
this most beautiful way.

They fell asleep
together and when Sarah woke she just stared at James. The man she had felt a
great connection with but felt a million miles away was really laying next to
her, calm and in control even as he slept. She wondered what had happened so
that the last 5 hours had been possible, scary in a way, but she also realized
that this could not be erased or forgotten ever. Those happy ever after dreams
started to pop into Sarah’s head again, but this time, she was sure, there was
a little more substance to them. Sarah put her head back on the pillow and
wondered if they would start talking today, unlikely she decided, as the
chemistry would take over and sexual lust would win again. A picture says a
thousand words, so this type of sex must say a billion. James woke up and they
repeated their blissful lovemaking. Afterwards, James said that he had been
waiting for this moment since they first met, and Sarah said she felt the same
way.

The late
afternoon had them dressed and ready for something to eat. They walked
silently, cuddled up to each other on the stroll to the local cafe where they
ordered coffee and food. They could not have sat closer to each other with
their hands rarely leaving the others body, so engrossed in each other, as if
they were the only people on the planet. Each time they looked at each other, a
little giggle would leave Sarah’s lips only to be smothered and replaced by
James’ simple kiss. They ate greedily, drank down coffee and water as if they
had just run a marathon, and finished with a wedge of cake that they shared by
feeding each other. The walk back to the apartment was even more hurried than
eating as the anticipation grew for the evening ahead.

Once secured in
the apartment, the mood was less frantic. James picked Sarah up and placed her
on the unmade bed. He slowly undressed her, like a person unpacking a beautiful
gift that had been lovingly wrapped. The ribbon that held the wrapping together
was carefully untied, folded, and lovingly placed next to the gift. Next the
sticky tape was undone with the upmost tenderness and care, revealing the
slightest of hints of the gift that lay under the wrapping, the wrapping was
carefully displaced from the gift, gathered up and placed along with the
ribbon. Finally the tissue paper was removed to reveal the most exquisite gift
available to man, the naked body of young beautiful woman that he had fallen in
love with at first sight.

James stopped.
His breath had been taken away, not only at Sarah's beauty, but the enormity of
the moment had struck him. At last he was able to hold the woman that he had
fallen so heavily in love with, make love to her and let his true feeling out
without any guilt. Sarah lifted her hands to cup his face, but he turned to
kiss her hand and each finger and then turned to kiss the other, this act
making Sarah understand James’ love for every part of her. With the unwrapping
finished and a clear understanding of their feelings for one another, urgency
returned and their lovemaking was swift and passionate.

The next morning
questions asked and answers answered over bacon and eggs. James had always been
in Amy’s life and had always seen her as a sister figure, clearly on his last
visit with Liam he had realized that Amy did not consider him as a brother and had
been very uncomfortable. When James heard that Amy and Liam had to go away his
head told him to stay at home but his heart yelled ‘now, go now.’ He had
borrowed his father’s car and waited at the bottom of the hill until he saw
Liam and Amy leave, ran to the apartment and went to knock when he got cold
feet, so just sat on the step trying to push aside any doubt that he had, not
regarding his own feelings, but the very existence of Sarah. Then, she was
there, no doubts, no regrets just an immediate harmonization of two people.

Sarah spent the
following weeks at work, keeping her mind busy and her body away from the
apartment. James rang daily and her lunch hour was one long beautiful
conversation while she ate. They had met every weekend away from the city for
the most romantic times imaginable for Sarah, but on this Friday she was
packing to go home for Christmas. Home and Adrian were one thought to Sarah.
Home and Adrian meant serenity, habitual routine and familiarity. Home and
Adrian, Sarah was not able to separate the two as she took the long drive home.
Why, why, why was the dominant question? Why had Adrian called off the
engagement? Why had his mother been so cruel and why had she never thought to
find out any answers? If she could erase the first 19 years of her life from
her memory she could just get on with her new life with James.

It was going to
be a new exciting life, full of unexpected challenges, adventures, and
outcomes. She knew that a life with James would take her out of her comfort
zone, make her do things that she would rather choose not to do, completely
squash her white picket fence dream. James had spoken at length of all the new
things that he wanted to do and had been waiting for the right person to stand alongside
him to experience and make memories together with. From saving animals in the
Antarctic, to rowing down a river together, he had ideas of an existence that
would take more than one lifetime to achieve.

Life with Adrian
sounded so boring compared to a life with James, so why did it seem like a
competition, not between the two men, but between the conflicting lifestyles. In
her head she knew the answer to this question lay with all those conversations
that she had intently listened to with her new friends, her heart was not so
easily convinced. It was early evening when Sarah reached home; she was mentally
exhausted. Her mum ran out to give a great big bear hug which was well needed,
cuddled her as she walked to the kitchen, and sat Sarah down to eat some of a
freshly made walnut and carrot cake and a pot of tea for two. Sarah had not
stopped for a break on the journey and was hungry, thirsty, and tired. After a
short chat with her mum she went up to her bedroom, still kept exactly the same
as the day she left, fell into bed, and was asleep before one more thought
crossed her mind.

Sarah woke the
next day with the sun shining through her window. She was desperate to get out
and wander around town and catch up with friends. It was Christmas Eve and
Rosedale was at its most beautiful, every shop had decorations, some elaborate
and some made by the town children. Sarah had unconsciously missed this while
living in Sydney, but here it was, in her face grabbing her with both hands so
that she would know and understand what she had left behind. Her local pub had
patrons spilling out onto the footpath, most knew her and welcomed her home as
if she had never left for even a moment. Laughter filled the pub, but the
loudest was Sarah’s.

Christmas Day
came and went with the obligatory family meals, grandparents, aunts, uncles,
cousins, nephews and nieces. All wanted to know how she liked Sydney and whether
she had found love in the big city. The little ones just wanted to play silly
games and Sarah was very happy to oblige. By the evening everyone had gone
home, the dishwasher was packed and the fridge had been rearranged to
accommodate a mountain of leftover food. Sarah went to her room and dialed a
number that would always be etched into her brain. Adrian answered, and Sarah hung
up immediately. She then rang James and chatted, and her world seemed perfect.