Love and Truth (23 page)

I sat next to him, trying to take in everything. He looked as if he was trying to formulate more of his thoughts into words, but was having a hard time. “It just seems so awful to me that I was so sure that I was in love with her when I clearly know now that I wasn’t. Don’t get me wrong. I did love her, but I know now that I wasn’t
in love
with her, you know? At the time I was so caught up in the relationship aspect of it. I like being in a relationship, I like the feeling of togetherness and belonging with another person. When she told me they were leaving it only felt natural to ask her to marry me and stay. When she said no and left anyway, I think I was more broken over being left alone than I was over her saying no.”

I listened quietly, wanting to hug him and tell him it was okay.

“After she left,” he continued, “I was angry and sad and all those things. But I never yearned for her or felt pain knowing I couldn’t have her again. It was more of a deflation than anything else. Why I ever thought I was in love...I don’t know anymore.”

I looked up to the ceiling, thinking about how he seemed so vulnerable right now. I didn’t know how to feel about what he was saying. Was he in love with me or not? I thought about how it felt being with him today, being in his arms and goofing around in the kitchen. Even though we knew each other only a short time, it felt like we had been together much longer. I brought my eyes back to his and he looked at me the way he always did, scrambling me up inside. I knew we had something intense, but I wasn’t ready for
I love you’s
.

“Jonathan I don’t know how to describe being in love any more than you do. All I know is that being with you feels good, it seems right. I think trying to put a label on what’s happening between us is unnecessary. Let’s just enjoy whatever this is and see where it takes us.”

He relaxed and reached out to squeeze my hand. “Sounds good to me, sweetheart. As long as you’re my girl, I’m happy with no labels.”

I leaned in and kissed him on the tip of his nose. I loved it when he calls me
his girl.
It made me feel all warm and cozy.

“I guess we better get going, I’m never going to drag my butt out of bed in the morning for class if I don’t get some sleep.”

“Just stay here with me tonight. I can run you by the house in the morning to change into clean clothes for class then drop you off at the bus stop so no one sees us arrive together. Just text Emiko and tell her to let her parents know.”

“ I’m not sure that’s a good idea. It doesn’t seem right.”

He reached over and pulled me into a warm embrace.

“I don’t want you to go. I’m not ready to say goodbye. You know sleeping here doesn’t have to mean anything. I just want to wrap my arms around you and breathe you in all night. I want to wake up to this beautiful face.” He rubbed my nose with his, giving me butterfly kisses. He pressed his lips to mine softly and whispered. “I just want to hold my girl all night long.” He trailed feathery kisses down my neck and up to my ear. “Please say yes.” I felt him nip my earlobe and trail his lips back to mine, and I decided to hell with worrying about my moral turpitude. I didn’t want to leave this bed any more than he did.

“Yes.” I silently cursed those emerald eyes, tattoos, and nipple rings.

“Good, so text Emiko and let’s go to bed. I can’t wait to snuggle my girl all up in my bed.”

I texted Emiko, I was sure she was already expecting it. I felt a torrent of nervous energy as I looked back to the bedroom. This felt awkward for me. I had never slept with anyone but Annie. The morning would be mortifying with morning breath, crazy bed hair, and puffy eyes. I freaked out, thinking about how I didn’t have a toothbrush, and what he would think of me in the morning. But it didn’t matter. It was too late now.

He had the bed turned down and the track lighting dimmed. “Hey, look. I have a brand new toothbrush you can use.” He stepped out of the bathroom while holding up the toothbrush like it was a prized trophy. I laughed at the sight of him grinning like a little boy on Christmas morning. “Now you can’t stress about your breath.”

“What? Why would I–”

“Don’t start with me. You worry about change and being out of control. From what I can tell, you’d be likely to worry about morning breath, your hair, awkwardness about sleeping next to me all night. Am I right?

I shook my head with my arms crossed.

“So let’s get that out of the way, because I don’t give two shits about your breath, your hair, or what you might look like first thing in the morning.”

I laughed and grabbed his arm. “How do you know me so well already?”

“Yeah. As far as you sleeping with me,” he said, pointing to the bed, “there’ll be zero fucking awkwardness.”

I was grateful to have a best friend who cursed like a sailor, otherwise I might not be able to withstand his dirty mouth. It suited him, so I didn’t mind it. It was part of his charm.

“And I’ve already seen you naked, so there’s not a damn thing to feel awkward about. You’re my girl, and we’re together. So I’m going to wrap you in my arms tonight and it’ll be nothing but fucking perfect. Got it, sweetheart?”

I giggled and shook my head. “Okay, okay. No awkwardness.”

I loved it when he got demanding like this, the way he did when he made me get into his car. I knew he was mad, but it was still hot as hell.

“Can I sleep in this?” I asked, looking down at the oversized T-shirt and sweatpants I wore.

“Baby, you can sleep in anything you want, or nothing at all. Either way is fine with me. Though if you choose nothing at all I think I’m gonna throw on my dive suit just to be on the safe side. I’ve been known to sleepwalk, so I’d rather not test the waters of what I might try in my sleep.”

“Well, sleeping in a dive suit sounds uncomfortable so maybe I’ll keep the T-shirt on.”

He yanked off his T-shirt and jeans and I stood gawking at him again. He crooked his head to the side.

“You’re gonna have to stop looking at me like that. You’re going to give me a complex.”

“You’re beautiful, Jonathan. Every inch of you is beautiful. I think you know that too, so there’s no danger in getting a complex.”

“You really like my inked up body, huh? Most girls see it and run the other direction. Most of the time it’s the opposite of a chick magnet.” He rubbed his hand along his tattooed sleeve. “I’ve never regretted a single one of them. They all represent something significant to me and I have a personal connection to each of them.”

I walked around the bed to get closer to him. I reached out and rubbed my fingers softly over the ink.

“Tell me about them.” Our eyes met and he placed his hand over mine.

“I’ve never told anyone their meaning before. Everyone just assumes they’re only for show.” I realized it might be too personal to share and felt bad for asking. He pulled my body closer to him and kissed me.

“I’ll tell you about them, but let’s lay down first.” He gently pulled me onto the bed. He grasped the waistband of the sweatpants and gently pulled them off in one fluid motion. My skin tingled as the cool air hit my legs. He shook his head and stared at them.

“You have the sexiest legs I’ve ever seen. These legs are dangerous.”

He pulled the heavy duvet over me. He was being so cautious, and I felt warm all over. I knew I could get used to sleeping over. He climbed in beside me and turned to face me. The dim lights highlighted his skin just enough for me to see the details of the tattoos. He rubbed his hand up over his left shoulder.

“Most of my arm is dedicated to my father.” He paused in thought, and it drew me in. “I felt angry a lot growing up because I didn’t have a father. I was never angry at him. I was just bitter about it and as I got older it continued to stir inside me. I got this first tattoo here on my shoulder-an
Oni.
It’s a Japanese symbol of a horned demon. It represents many things in Japan, but, I chose it for its symbolism of a demon that acts as a torturer carrying out punishments over time. I let the fact that I didn’t have a dad torture me for so many years. It was like I was captive by it and I kept punishing myself repeatedly with anger and bitterness. I didn’t want to be that person anymore. I got the
Oni
to remind me that I can control my inner demons.”

His description was painful and beautiful at the same time. He ran his hand down slightly and continued. “I never knew my dad, but knowing from my mother how much he loved me and how happy he was when he found out he would be a dad was always comforting. My mom was amazing about trying to keep me connected to my father. She was always strong for me and has always honored my father’s memory. She told me about how much my father prided himself on being a Marine and serving his country. She said he loved the Marine Corps nearly as much as he loved his family. It was his life and he was incredibly patriotic about fighting for his country. So I got the
Namakubi
.”

I winced looking at the image. It was morbid looking to me; a Japanese head with no body, looking lifeless and scary. There was a sword or knife going through it with droplets of blood on the end. It was very abstract, with the Japanese flair. But up close it looked unsettling.

“The
Namakubi
also has many meanings. For me it’s for my father’s courage and fearlessness to accept his fate in Iraq. He proudly died for his country and the men he served with. The
Namakubi
often represents courage, having no fear, and a willingness to accept one’s fate.”

I knew as he spoke that I would never look at that scary tattoo the same way again. Hearing why he got it changed the appearance of it in every way. The deeper meaning made me love it. He ran his hand down and continued.

“These are
Sakura
, the cherry blossom falling from the branch that wraps around my arm as they settle. It means life is fragile. In Japan, the
Sakura
is significant. The blooms are delicate and last for only a short time. While they are in bloom, they are revered and bring in crowds to admire them. Though they soon fall and die, to the Japanese this represents the transience of life. It’s been said that they’re symbolic of fallen warriors who’ve lost their life too early in battle. As did my father.”

I felt tears threatening their way into my eyes. His voice was low and steady. He lay next to me, but his thoughts seemed far away.

“This one here,” he said, rubbing his hand over an intricate artistic flower, “is the lotus flower. This may be my favorite of all the ones on my arm. In Japan, the lotus is revered for growing in the mud, far away from the sun. But soon it always reaches the light and grows into something wonderful. It’s said to be a symbol of rebirth, because it sheds its seeds at its fullest potential when it blossoms. The seeds sprout and push through the mud to grow and change into another beautiful blossom. My father may not live here on earth, but my mother says he lives on through me. She says he gave me life and that no matter what, I should always push through the murkiness and mud of life and strive to live my best life so that I can honor my father, and the man he would’ve wanted me to be.”

He stared at the lotus as he rubbed his hand over it. A warm smile came to his face as he turned and looked at me. “You okay, sweetheart? It’s late. I can finish telling you about them tomorrow.”

“No, please finish.” There was no way he was stopping now. I felt so connected to him in that moment; it was like reading the pages of a beautiful novel that you couldn’t put down.

“This is a phoenix,” he said, pointing to his arm. “It symbolizes an undying soul and its rebirth in this life. My father was born again in a way, within me. My mother says she can see his soul in my eyes every time she looks at me.”

He rolled over onto his stomach revealing the tattoos along his upper back just under his shoulders. “In the center of my back are kanji symbols for my father’s last name and my mother’s maiden name, Hayes and Takahara. There are shisa dogs under each shoulder. Most people know the significance of the shisa. They are wards of evil. When in a pair, the open-mouthed shisa catches evil and the closed-mouth one holds all things good and pure. I got these when I decided to stop all of the crazy partying and drinking. I needed to ward off the bad influences and temptations of evil things. I wanted to be sure that I held onto the good things that came into my life.”