Love Beyond Words (City Lights: San Francisco Book 1) (25 page)

He started to press his ear to the door but stepped back. After everything that happened today, if they caught him listening in, it’d be all over. That they were fighting was a good sign, though not enough to lift his spirits. He left, head down and feet dragging, wondering with dejected anxiety how long it was going to take him to make up donation statements from charities that had never seen a single dollar of Julian’s money.

Natalie watched the lights on the bedroom’s security console flash orange, and then go still in concordance with the front door opening and closing. David was gone.

“Good,” she muttered.

“Look, he told me what happened, and I believe him,” Julian said from the bathroom sink.

“I’ll believe it when I see the donation statements from the so-called charities your money is going to,” Natalie said, pacing. “And
cash
, Julian? No one makes cash transactions that large. No one legitimate, anyway.”

Julian emerged from the bathroom looking sleek and dark, having run some water through his hair to tame the curls. “I asked him for the donation statements and he said he’d provide them. End of story.” He smiled to take the bite out of his words, but it didn’t warm his eyes.

“If you say so. It’s your money.”

“Yes, it is.”

She whipped around. His smile had vanished.

“Julian,” she said, her voice unsteady, “you’re the one who asked me over here to snoop around in his business. You’re the one who suspected something was wrong.”

“I suspected I missed something and I was right,” Julian said. “Why do we have to dwell on it?”

“It’s suspicious as hell.”

“It was, and then I heard his explanation, and now it isn’t. But because you’re insistent on finding something wrong with him, his reasons aren’t good enough.”

This is it. Our first fight
, Natalie said. It hurt her heart and her hands were trembling so that she clenched them into fists, but she couldn’t stay silent.

“I don’t understand why you’re so eager to protect him. Sixty-five thousand dollars times three just gone—”

“I’m
eager to protect him
because he’s my friend. That’s what you do for friends; you trust them. He has
never
given me cause to doubt him, not in six years, yet it took you all of six minutes to decide he’s no good. What has he ever done to merit such disdain?” Julian narrowed his eyes. “Is it because he’s gay?”
              Natalie reeled. “
What?
How can you…? My best friend is…I’m not even going to dignify that with a response.”

“Then what is it? You’ve disliked him from the start. Why?”

“I don’t…I don’t know why. Something about him…”

“He rubs you the wrong way?”

“
Yes.
”

Julian shook his head. “Sorry, that’s not good enough.”

“Not good enough,” Natalie repeated. “No, I suppose he’ll have to rob you at gun point before you’ll realize he’s stealing your money. Maybe
that
will be good enough for you.”

She could see the anger rise in him as if he were transparent: a red flood that burned and brought acid to his tongue when he spoke to her. “I can see it was a huge mistake asking for your help. One I won’t make again.”

“Don’t you dare try to turn this around on me, as if I—”

“In all the years I’ve known him,” Julian said, trampling over her words, “David has said and done things for me that I appreciate; that I am thankful for; that make me glad to call him a friend. The fact that these things have happened outside your awareness does not make them any less true.”

“Then why, Julian, didn’t you just
ask him first
?”

He said nothing for a long moment. Natalie crossed her arms over her chest in bitter triumph, but instead of conceding honestly he said, “You’re right. I should have. I should have known better than to trust your biased judgment.”

Natalie stared at him. “That’s crazy.” She stormed out of the bedroom. He followed after.

“Yes, it’s not crazy to remain loyal to a friend…”

“Loyal?” She grabbed her purse and sweater. “Blind and gullible is more like it.”

For a split second she thought he would lose control and the temper David had told her about would break free. His eyes widened and she could see his jugular pulsing. But instead of exploding, he spoke in a tight, contemptuous tone that froze her blood. “I think it’s time that you leave.”

Tears threatened but she held them back. “I was already going,” she said, and slammed the door behind her.

#

Julian watched her go, and the split second after she shut the door he wanted to call her back, to beg forgiveness. The red-hot flame of his temper had raced through him and then burnt out the instant she left, leaving him cold and riddled with shame. He slumped into the sofa, his head in his hands.

“
Cogerme.”

He glanced at the phone but recoiled at the thought of hearing her voice filled with pain or hatred, and knowing that he had put it there. Or she might not answer it at all. Fear that he’d ruined everything after the way he’d spoken to her wracked him hard.

Because she’d been right. I don’t know why I didn’t ask David first. Just a vague disquiet I’ve had where he’s concerned.
He tried to think how long he’d been feeling things were different with David.
Has it been a year?
Julian had been so wrapped up in Natalie he wasn’t sure. But what he’d told her had also been true; David had been his only true friend for six years. The notion that he would betray Julian didn’t seem possible. David’s devotion had always been…
intense.

Julian heaved a sigh. It didn’t matter. He’d nearly ruined everything with both of them. David would come around, but Natalie? The anguished look on her face when he’d told her to leave was like a kick to the gut.

Why would I say that to her?

He went to his desk in the library and pulled out a pen and paper, hoping as he wrote, that the unfathomable mystery of it would unravel for him as he tried to explain it to her. But he found his words veering away from the ugly, and flowed toward his devotion to her, which held no mystery, only love.

When the letter was finished, he mailed it straightaway and then sat in to wait, feeling as if his life was on hold until she replied.
So be it,
he thought.
It’s nothing less than I deserve.

In the aftermath of her argument with Julian, Natalie felt Liberty’s absence acutely. Marshall had vanished into the chaotic world of tax season and wasn’t likely to emerge for another few weeks. She longed to call Liberty and spill it all; she suspected mutual commiseration over the pig-headedness of men would smooth over their own disagreement. Moreover, she missed her friend, wanted to hear her voice, wanted to curl up on her couch and drink cheap wine and watch one of those old kung-fu movies Liberty was such a fan of.

But it would be too unfair to call Liberty for her own selfish purposes. So she said nothing, called no one, and went to school and work, feeling as though she had a lead weight hanging around her neck.

And then she received Julian’s letter.

It came to the café, and she found the gesture fitting. Two pages written on fine paper and with the pen she had given him, of that she was sure. She recognized immediately the candid, elegant prose of Rafael Melendez Mendón. She was stunned to find herself the object of such artistry. It was ‘I love you’ stretched out over two pages. The words were more than words: they left imprints and imagery in her mind, and put emotions in her heart—the exact feelings he wanted her to feel and understand. She felt saturated. She absorbed the words into her heart where they glowed.

And at the end:              

Forgive me, my love, so that I may breathe again.

Your Julian

It was a slow night. Sunday night, and usually her night off, but she’d taken a shift to avoid sitting alone in her place, brooding. But the café was empty and she’s been doing nothing but brood anyway. Natalie wiped the tears from her eyes, picked up her cell phone.

“I’m sorry,” were the first words out of his mouth.

“That’s cheating, you know,” she said.

“What is?”

“Writing to me.”

“I know. But I screwed up and I don’t have anything else. Can I send a car? I want to see you here. I want to
un-
tell you to leave. I…I can’t believe I said that.”

“It’s okay,” Natalie said. “I called you crazy.”

“I was. To hurt you…”

“Julian?”

“Yes?”

“I’ll come over.”

She heard him heave a tremulous sigh. “Thank you.”

#

It was late when she arrived, after her shift. Julian looked chagrined as he kissed her cheek and walked her in. She stopped and took his hands. “Hey,” she said. “It’s all right.”

He smiled faintly. “Come on. Let’s sit. Would you like anything? Something to drink?”

“No, thank you.”

He nodded warily and sat with her on the couch. The city’s lights glimmered in front of them.

“I have to tell you how sorry I am for how I spoke to you the other day,” he began. “In person, face to face, and not hiding behind my writing. That’s cowardly and I apologize.”

“Julian, we had an argument. It’s no big deal.”

“But it is. It’s not just the words I spoke, but the tone. The disdain and contempt. It’s awful, and I don’t know where it comes from. Residual anger, I suppose, from my father’s absence. That’s the most obvious diagnosis, isn’t it?” He sighed and looked out over the city. “No matter the source, my temper is horrible and you shouldn’t have to witness it, let alone be its target.”

Natalie heard David’s ugly words resound in her head.
He threw a vase…
She didn’t want to ask but she had to, even though some part of her was sure David was lying. “Has it ever been really bad?”

“It’s never good.”

“No, I mean has it ever become…more than just words?”

Julian’s head snapped around and the expression of genuine horror on his face told her everything she needed to know.
Goddamn you, David. And me, for feeding such awful notions.

“Oh Natalie, no,” he breathed. “
Que Dios me ayude
, no
. Never. I swear on my mother’s soul, I would never…”

“No, don’t.” Natalie waved her hands. “I believe you.”

“But I put that fear in you. I did. I’m so sorry.”

She wanted to scream
, You didn’t! David did.
But that would mean telling him they’d talked about him behind his back. Shame burned her cheeks. “I’m not afraid of you, Julian. Put it out of your head. Please.”

The earnestness in her voice mollified him somewhat, but she could see he was still wracked by guilt. “Even so. I shouldn’t have talked to you as I did. I shouldn’t talk to anyone like that.”

“Everyone says things they regret when they’re angry, Julian,” she said. “I did. It’s what happens. It doesn’t make you a bad person.”

He shook his head miserably. “My mother was so kind. She never had a harsh word for anyone, not even my father. So it must come from him, mustn’t it? I don’t know what to do.”

“Go to Rijeka,” Natalie said. “Find your father’s spirit there. Make peace with him.”

He looked at her a moment; she could see the idea turning behind his eyes. “Will you come with me?”

“Of course, Julian. Of course, I will.”

#

They retreated to his bed where she tucked her back against his chest, and he wrapped his arms around her. She hadn’t slept well in the three days of their argument and now sleep tried to claim her quickly.

“I want to sleep now. Talk to me as I fall asleep, Rafael. Talk to me in Spanish.”

She felt him nod and then he spoke, his voice a gentle rumble against her ears, lulling her with the beauty of his voice, his language. She recognized a few words; he was speaking simply, slowly, and inexplicably his heart had begun to pound against her back.

“
Te amo con todo mi corazón. Te quiero para siempre. Te quiero hasta el día que me muera. Te amo,
Natalie.”

Te amo.
She sighed heavily; sleep was dragging her down quickly. “I love you, too.”

“
Cásate conmigo.”
His voice was hardly more than a whisper. “
Por favor ser mi esposa, Natalie. Por favor
...”