Love Blind (26 page)

“Tell me if you're interested in me working the magic on you.” Even I could see Pavel's eyebrows dancing—the guy had changed a lot.

“Get out.” Kyle shoved him from behind.

Pavel left, laughing, and then the door closed.

And there I stood. In front of Kyle. In his dorm room.

“Holy shit, Kyle. It's been too long.” I threw my arms around him, pressing my face into his chest, and he grabbed me back, almost knocking my glasses off.

“Hey.”

“Hey?
Hey?
I took the train and wandered a new campus—I'm totally crossing that off my list, by the way—and I get a ‘hey'?” I stood back to try and make out the changes in him.

He smiled that perfect Kyle smile, but only glanced at the ground for a quick second before putting his eyes back on me. Better. Kyle had grown up a lot and it suited him. Broader. His hair the perfect too-long black that I remembered.

“You were a brilliant deejay, by the way. The moms downloaded some new app so they can listen to your show. This is
high praise from Rox, who doesn't let anyone pick her music.”

“Crossed one off the list.” He shrugged.

We stood in silence for a moment, and I almost started to panic that we weren't going to be the same. “The moms miss you too,” I said to fill the silence.

His eyes darted around, almost confused. “I—”

I interrupted, needing us to be normal again. “So, which bed is yours?”

Kyle pointed and I jumped on. “Wow. Kyle. All grown up and gone to college. I'm proud.”

“And you and . . . um . . . the girl, with the hair?” He gestured in circles, like his hands would somehow help him find the words. We were definitely still Hailey and Kyle, and I started to let myself really relax on Kyle's bed.

“Annalise? How do you even know about her?”

“I . . . saw you two, after your big show before Physicality.”

“You came to my show and didn't say hi? What the
hell
? We're supposed to be friends.” I hated it when Kyle backed away from me like that. Didn't say what he'd wanted to say or didn't do whatever it was he'd wanted to do when he came that night. He hadn't just ended up at my concert without a purpose.

He shrugged and blushed.

“Geez, Kyle. We're
way
past the not-talking bullshit.”

“You were busy. With the girl.” His hands stuffed in his pockets.

“Yeah.” I sighed. “She was my first girl kiss. She was a great kisser. It's kind of too bad I'm not a lesbian.”

He sat on the far corner of the bed. “But you . . .”

“All in my endeavor to stay away from assholes, Kyle. It's a good goal, and one I'm determined to stick to. But it's not going to happen with girls. At least now I know for sure.” I was both sad and relieved about that. Mixed, I guessed, as most things had started to be.

“Oh.”

I was dying to see his face better, to understand a little more the confusion in his voice, but on the opposite side of the bed, he was too far away.

“What else have you been up to?” he asked.

And that simple question was the jumping-off point for us.
Finally.

“Well, Mira's back, not returning to Culver, but she's gone pinup girl and wants us to play rockabilly. Not the worst choice, but it's hardly what we're about.” I elbowed him. “And you apparently saw me kissing Annalise, so that's kind of been who I've hung out with lately. I saw more paintings, went to the Field Museum, and holy shit, I can't believe that dinosaur. I'm doing this killer independent study on stringed instruments, so I'm stumbling through the mandolin right now. What about you?”

“Well, there's college. Which is okay. Pretty easy after high school. The station is good.” Then there was this long pause, as if “the station is good” held enough layers to warrant the
next part of our conversation. “And Pavel has a reputation on Tinder.”

“Have you talked to him about the locker-room stuff?”

“Yeah. Sort of. He acts like it all happened for a reason. I'm not sure. . . .”

I nudged his knee. “Maybe that's why he's doing the Tinder stuff. Maybe he's finding something he lost.”

He bit his bottom lip and nodded. “Makes sense.”

“Are you going to tell me why it took this long to reach out to me? What happened after prom?”

He let out a long breath. “Well, so you know my mom. She's . . . complicated. She's not always pushy like she was when you met her on Solstice. My dad left a long time ago, and I think sometimes I'm a stand-in for him. And when I got home from prom to change, she'd pulled out all of his letters and she was kind of a wreck. And I wanted to meet you—Jesus, so much—but she and I fought. Because I admitted I'd told my dad to leave.”

I blinked. “Wait, what?”

“My dad was a douche bag. Cheated on my mom. Treated her like shit. So the last time he left, I told him not to come back.”

I put my head on his shoulder and felt a slight tremble. “And this all came out after prom?”

“Yeah. And Mom broke down. She does that a lot, but this was different. It felt almost dangerous. And she wasn't able to shake it completely until I went to school.”

“And you couldn't tell me about your fight? Instead you leave it to me to come and find you?”

“I didn't know what to say. How to explain it all without it seeming like I was the same pathetic loser with a messed-up life that I was freshman year.”

“This is a lot. And I don't want to push, but I think you need to talk to me more about it. Maybe not now, but sometime. Because I need to know how to act when this comes up with you and how to get you not to always panic around me. And how to help you stop worrying about being a pathetic loser.”

“You kept asking me about my list. If I'd done anything. And I did stuff, but then I added more. And it was spinning my wheels, never moving forward or getting better or being worth anything.”

“So instead of talking, explaining any of this to me, you went with a
can't make it
text and thought that was good?”

“No, I didn't think it was good. But anything else and you would have come over to my house.”

I smiled. “Yeah, I would've.”

“And I couldn't have you there. Not with everything between Mom and me. It's not your boat to be in, you know?”

“Yeah. Maybe. I guess. But still . . .” If we were friends, the way I thought we were, I should've been there. Maybe Kyle was right, and it had been his mess, not mine. The thing was, he should've told me, but I had known Kyle's limitations from the beginning and wanted him for a friend anyway. Not just
anyway
. If I was being honest, I liked him in part because of his limitations. The selfish part of me liked having the upper hand, but we weren't that way anymore. Kyle and I had definitely equaled out.

“I'm sorry, Hailey.” Then he squeezed my shoulder and it was like the last of my anger melted into something else. Something good and warm and that I only felt with Kyle. It was like that day on the porch after his first dinner with the moms.

“Is your mom really better?”

He offered me a half smile. “Well, she's off Xanax and on Lexapro, which is way better long-term. So yeah. I guess she's better. She told me last weekend she might go see a therapist. She probably won't, but ‘might' is a lot closer than where she was.”

“We should sic Pavel on her.”

Kyle laughed. He was still my Kyle, but better. More grown-up, less painfully awkward. I was staying away from jackholes, and he was living his own life in the dorm. I'd been right from the beginning. We were good for each other.

◊ ◊ ◊

“I know you wanted to come up on your own, but it's dark. Can I walk you back to the train? Ride it home with you?” he asked.

“Don't ride it home with me. You'd have to pay for it, and then turn around and come back.” That was ridiculous. It
was
dark, but the moms were ready to give me a ride if I needed one.

Kyle shrugged as he held the door open, notebook in hand.
I slid my arm through his as we stepped into the cold air.

“I know a place we can get pizza. We'll eat it on the way, and I'll have quiet thinking time on the way back. Maybe do some writing.”

“But—”

“Nope. My mind's made up. We ride together.”

I squeezed his arm tighter. “I like this side of you, Kyle. The guy who isn't afraid to say what he wants.”

He shook his head and stared at the ground, a sure sign that he was still the Kyle I'd known, but with a little more confidence each time. In a few years, he might start to see how amazing he was, and then he'd be unstoppable.

Y
ou like hanging out in my dorm room,” I said to Hailey. I was on my bed studying while she sat cross-legged on the floor next to me.

“Yeah. It's sort of calming in this weird way. And gets me ready for next year.”

“Have you decided where you're gonna go yet?” I'd had to hold my tongue so many times in the past few months. Keep myself from talking her into coming to Northwestern or at least staying close.

“No. I'm still waiting to hear from Berkeley.”

Berkeley. In California. On the other side of the country. Forever away. Even with us emailing so much more, it wasn't the same. It wasn't Hailey's smile once a week, which wasn't enough for me but was better than nothing. It wasn't Hailey's
different glasses and raspy voice and crazy fears.

I took a deep breath and tried to focus on my linear equations.

Hailey gnawed on her lip and tapped her hands on her thighs. “A few guys have asked me out.”

I tensed, holding my breath, waiting for her to continue.

“I said no.” Her eyes were on me. Way too still.

I nearly dropped my pen with relief.

“How come you never told me you were interested in me?” she blurted out.

The air whooshed out of the room. I placed my book to the side and looked at her.

“Can we have this conversation now?” she asked in a low voice, tentative and damn sexy. “Finally? Are we okay to talk about this?”

I nodded and slipped down to the floor so I could sit next to her, feel her warmth next to mine. I stretched my legs out in front of me, one green shoe crossed over the other.

“Which time are we talking about?”

She laughed. “That many?”

I nodded and she leaned her head against my shoulder. I inhaled. “I guess it always seemed like bad timing. That's dumb, isn't it? But there was Chaz. And then Mariah. And then Annalise. I sort of felt like we'd never happen. Plus . . .”

“Yes?”

“Our fear lists. They kind of seemed important, you know?
Like things we had to get through first, before we could deal with everything else.”

“I was ready at prom.”

I nodded. “I know. But I guess I wasn't ready. Everything got really complicated. Not just with Mariah. But with my mom. I didn't want to bring you into that. Felt like you deserved more.”

She grabbed my hand and pressed it between her two. “I deserved the chance to say no.”

“You did.”

“And now, Kyle? What's stopping you now?”

I shut my eyes and released a deep breath. “Everything. Nothing. I don't know. It's like too much has happened. And I don't want to risk it. I don't want to risk you. Do you know that one of the things on my list is ‘Be a good friend to Hailey?' Because I never felt like I was a good friend to anyone. And finally, now, I feel like I'm getting it right and I don't want to screw that up. I'm ready to cross it off my list. Going beyond friendship is a very big risk. And maybe you'll go away to school. Then I'll have lost everything.”

“I think that's kind of bullshit.”

I smiled. “Yeah. You would. But I sort of want you for life. And when you get into all this relationship stuff in high school, you don't keep people for life.” There was so much I wasn't saying. So much I wanted to say, but my logic refused to be pushed aside. “I mean, how many people do you know who've stayed
together when they started dating in high school? Too much changes. Look at you over the past two years. Look at me.”

“I hate that you're being logical.”

I released a bitter laugh. I hated it too. But I wanted so much more for us. I wanted everything, and I wasn't going to squander it on a quick hookup before she left. My imagination had shut down completely on that score.

“I'm interested in you, Hailey. But right now, I can't go there. Do you understand?”

She squeezed my hands and nodded. But I saw little tears on the edges of her lashes.

“Don't cry, Hailey. I won't be able to deal if you cry.”

She sniffed. “I don't want to be the better man, Kyle. The responsible party. I'm the
instant access
generation. Everything I want, when I want it.”

My heart beat too fast. “I know. But not this. Not now.”

“But I'm determined now. I've learned so much. Like . . .” She took another sniff, trying to keep in her tears. For me. I knew she held them back to spare me and I loved her even more for it. “Like I'm not a lesbian for sure. I mean, I even tried it. She taught me some mad kissing skills. . . .”

My gaze locked on her lips. I wanted to kiss her. Was dying to kiss her. And not in the sleazy way anymore. I was so far beyond that. But I couldn't do it. Maybe still in my own way, or maybe for once, I was doing the right thing.

I took off her glasses with shaky fingers. Knowing that
she trusted me when she couldn't see, hoping that would be enough. Enough for what, I wasn't sure. Maybe to tide me over until I could have Hailey the way I wanted—even though I was still half-convinced it wouldn't happen until I'd finished the list.