Love Comes in Darkness (8 page)

“Where would you like Token’s bed? He’s been trained that his bed is where he sleeps, so if you want him to sleep in the corner of your bedroom, then that’s where you place the bed. I suggest you figure out where you want it and keep it there. The more routine you have in your life, and his, the better off you are. Over time, Token will learn your routine and anticipate it.”

“You can place the bed in the corner of the bedroom near the dresser.” Howard led her into the room.

“This should be a good spot,” Wendy said. “It shouldn’t be too close to the closet.”

“Token, come,” Howard called, and he heard Token walk through the house. He settled in his bed, and Howard knelt down and stroked Token’s ears and neck slowly. “You’re going to be a great companion, aren’t you?”

“I think that’s all for now,” Wendy told him. “If it’s okay, I’ll come by in a few days to see how you’re adjusting.” She pressed a card into his hand, and Howard ran his fingers over it, the Braille bumps containing a phone number. “Feel free to call me at any time. I’ll be glad to help any way I can.”

“Thank you,” Howard said. “Token is going to make a real difference in my life. I’ve always tried to be as independent as possible, and he’s going to aid with that.”

“You’re very welcome,” Wendy said, and Howard followed her out toward the front door.

“Did you train Token?” Howard asked as he traced the familiar path through his home.

“Yes, and I’ve got another dog that will be going to a good home in about six months. Token is the eighth dog I’ve trained, and he’s one of the best I’ve ever had.” His doorbell rang. “I’ll answer it for you,” Wendy said. “Please don’t hesitate to call if you need anything.”

Howard heard the front door open, and Wendy stepped outside. “Howard,” Gordy said tentatively.

“Come in. Thank you, Wendy,” Howard called, and after a few moments, the door closed. He sat on the sofa and called Token, who curled up near his feet. “What did you need, Gordy?” Howard still smarted a bit from Gordy’s rejection.

“Is it okay if I sit down?”

“Sure,” Howard said, stroking Token’s head gently. “What do you want?”

“I’m sorry about how I acted the other day,” Gordy said.

“You mean about leaving fast enough to leave a trail of fire in your wake? If you weren’t interested, all you had to do was say so. If I misread the signs, then I’m sorry too. I know being with a blind person can be hard, and if you don’t want that, then it’s fine. I can deal with it.”

“It’s not that,” Gordy said quickly.

“Then I’m really confused,” Howard said. Token must have sensed his distress because he rested his head on Howard’s knee. “It’s all right,” he said to the dog.

“I’m not good with relationships,” Gordy said.

“What does that mean? Gordy, you don’t have to come up with a bunch of excuses. The truth will do just fine. I’ve heard lots of excuses in my life. I’ve been ignored and avoided because I sometimes make people uncomfortable. I can deal with that. I guess it’s part of the territory.” What hurt was that Howard had thought Gordy might be different. He’d seemed in tune with what Howard needed without overhelping. That was rare, and he’d let himself think there could have been something more. “If you want to be friends, then say so. I’m a big boy; I can take it.” Howard paused and waited.

“Like I said, it isn’t that. I haven’t had many relationships. Those I have had haven’t lasted very long.” Gordy swore softly under his breath, but Howard heard it very plainly. “This is hard.”

“Anything worthwhile is rarely easy,” Howard retorted. He was an expert on that particular concept.

“Earlier, when I told you about my family, I stretched the truth a little bit,” Gordy admitted. Howard did his best not to react and let Gordy explain. “Well, I guess left a few things out is probably a better description. My mother….” Gordy hesitated. “She didn’t understand, and acted like I told you. My father didn’t take things nearly as well. I’d come home from college. I hadn’t been home much since leaving. My father never accepted that I disobeyed him.”

“You went away to college. Many kids do that. It’s normal,” Howard said.

“‘Why can’t what we have be good enough for you?’ he asked. ‘You should be content with the Lord’s gifts,’ he told me more than once. My dad and I didn’t get along. He had very specific views about the world and our place in it.”

“Those views didn’t include you going to college?” Howard asked. “Didn’t he want a better life for you?”

“That’s just it. He thought God provided everything we needed, and that all we had to do was his work and spread his message. Everything else would come.” There was hurt in Gordy’s voice. “It’s hard to explain. And I was a teenager before I began to question what my father believed. He knew best and would brook no argument about anything. So when I went against him and left for college, I got no help from my family and I rarely came home. Often I spent the holidays, when the dorms were closed, with friends and their families.”

“I don’t understand what you’re trying to tell me and what this has to do with your behavior the other day,” Howard said with a touch of exasperation.

“Sorry, I’m beating around the bush, I know that, but when I told my parents I was gay, they reacted as you’d expect, with plenty of accusations and more hatred than any Christian father and mother should ever display. My mother couldn’t understand, but at least I knew she still cared about me, on some level, I guess. My father on the other hand, if looks could kill….” Gordy coughed. “I’m sorry.”

“For what, using a sight reference?” Howard asked and took Gordy’s hand in his. “English is full of them, and I’m not that sensitive to them. They’re just a part of the language.”

“Well, yeah. I’ve tried not to use them. Sort of dumb, huh?” Gordy said.

“No, it’s kind of sweet. But that wasn’t what you were sorry for. There’s something else,” Howard said, and Gordy paused. He didn’t say anything or deny it.

“When my father found out, he became physical,” Gordy said. “I’m bigger than him, but he was my dad.”

Howard could feel Gordy’s distress almost as acutely as a physical touch. Token must have felt it too, because he whimpered softly. “Did you hurt him?”

“No, well, only enough to get away….” The acute pain in Gordy’s voice sent a shiver up Howard’s spine. He petted Token, gently taking comfort from the dog’s warmth as fear spiked inside him.

“Did he hurt you?” Howard asked, and Gordy didn’t answer, which was all Howard needed to hear, or not hear, in this case. “I think you’ve told me enough about your family,” Howard said. “They don’t deserve you.”

“Why do you say that?” Gordy whispered.

“Their lessons about helping others and acting in a kind and loving manner were well learned. That’s how you’ve acted with me since I met you. It seems to me they could learn a few things from you,” Howard said. “You don’t need to tell me any more about what happened until you’re ready. But I can tell you this: you didn’t do anything to incur their wrath. You did what anyone would do and made a decision that was yours to make, not theirs. And if you want my opinion, the whole religious angle is a bunch of bull squirt. Your dad wanted control, nothing more.”

“How do you know?” Gordy snapped.

Howard chuckled. “You think I don’t understand others wanting control? That’s the story of my life. Cedric was only the latest person. My parents did it out of love, trying to help, but I wanted my own life. I went away to college as well. My mother tried to get the school to allow her to live on campus so she could be close to me. They were about to break one of their own rules and allow it until I asked them not to. I’ll never forget the hurt in my mother’s voice, but I told her I needed to be on my own. Sink or swim, I needed to do this. It took extra work on my part because the classes weren’t designed for nonsighted people. The school provided an interpreter who sat in my classes and helped transcribe things written on the board or projected for me. Luckily, I have this aptitude for computers, and the machines don’t care if you can see or not, as long as you provide the right inputs. I modified machines and used programs designed for the blind, modified them, and then modified them again and again.”

“So you made yourself independent,” Gordy said.

“Yeah, but I still had to rely on others. I can’t cook very well, and me around open flame is never a good idea. There’s a stove in the house I’ve never used. I microwave everything, because I can do it and be safe.”

“It must be hard. The world is geared toward sighted people,” Gordy said.

“Yes, it is. But most people are kind and try to be helpful. My independence is important to me, though, so I do my best to maintain it. And I know I hurt my mother because of it. She only wanted to help, but I pushed her away—my dad too. I kept them at arm’s length because I felt I needed to. Then they were gone and my independence didn’t seem so important.”

“We all make mistakes, and it wasn’t like you knew they were going to die. Besides, you have a right to a life just as much as anyone.”

“As much as you?” Howard asked, and Gordy was silent. All Howard heard was his soft breathing.

“You’re good,” Gordy finally said.

“I heard once that there’s nothing so bad that you can’t add guilt to it and make it worse. Yes, I felt guilty when my parents died, but I also know that if I hadn’t pressed for my independence, their deaths would have left me alone
and
unable to care for myself. I miss them every day, but I’m happy I learned to live on my own.”

“So it’s just you and your sister?” Gordy asked.

“Well, Lizzy and my niece, Sophia. She’s six and the sweetest child ever. I love her to pieces. She and Lizzy are planning to come for a visit in the next few weeks.”

Token shifted and whined softly. “Does he need to go out?” Gordy asked.

“Yes, it’s time to park him, I’d say,” Howard replied. He almost expected Gordy to volunteer to take Token out, but he didn’t.

“I’ll wait while you do that, and when you come back, you can explain all about whatever ‘parking’ means. I was hoping you’d let me take you out to dinner for being such a jerk the other day.”

“You weren’t a jerk until you decided not to call,” Howard told him, getting up from the sofa. He took Token’s harness and they walked to the door. He opened it and led Token out into the yard. He gave Token the command and felt him shift as he did his business. Token gave a small yip, and Howard led him back inside. “I need to feed him, and then we can go if you like.”

“Okay,” Gordy said. Howard and Token walked to the kitchen, and he measured out the food the way Wendy had told him. He also filled Token’s water dish and, once he’d set it down, gave Token the okay. Howard heard quick feet and then crunching as Token ate.

“He’s really something,” Gordy said. “I know you can’t see him, but he’s really beautiful. I always wanted a dog when I was a kid, but my parents would never allow it. They were too expensive, and somehow God didn’t believe in us having pets.”

Howard listened as Token ate and smiled when Gordy’s arms folded around him. “I’m really sorry I bailed on you. I like you, I really do, and I shouldn’t have let my fear get in the way.”

“But what were you afraid of?” Howard asked. “I thought it was being with a blind person.”

“No,” Gordy answered quickly, “it isn’t your blindness, not at all. It was what you’d find out if we were together. I never thought of myself as vain, but I didn’t want to disappoint you.”

“What I’m trying to figure out is what could be so bad,” Howard said, leaning back into Gordy’s embrace. “You aren’t deformed or anything, are you?” Gordy chuckled. “All the parts are there and working, right?” Howard wriggled a bit and was pretty sure all the important parts were there and most definitely working, judging from the firmness in Gordy’s jeans. Gordy’s chuckles turned to a small moan, and he tightened his hug just a bit. “I can’t see, Gordy. I don’t go by looks, but by feel.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of,” Gordy said, and Howard stilled. He didn’t understand and wouldn’t until Gordy explained it to him, which he seemed reluctant to do. But Howard wasn’t going to push it; Gordy would tell him when he was ready.

Token had finished crunching his food, and Howard heard him lapping at his water. “Are you ready to go for a ride?’ he asked, and Token brushed his leg.

“He’s sitting right next to you, waiting,” Gordy told him, releasing his hug. Howard took Token’s harness and walked through the house. He waited for Gordy at the front door.

“Are all the lights off?” Howard asked. He never turned them on, but he figured Gordy might have. Soft snicks reached his ears, and then Gordy passed him, opening the door for him.

“The truck is straight ahead of you. It’s unlocked.”

Howard closed and locked the front door. As he and Token navigated the familiar walk, Gordy got into the truck and started the engine. “Stay,” Howard told Token, and he found the latch on the door, opened it, and then patted the seat. “Come.” Token brushed past him as he jumped up, and then Howard climbed inside and closed the door. “Where are we going?” he asked, stroking Token’s head as Gordy pulled out.

“We’re not dressed for anywhere fancy. There’s a small family restaurant I know just out of town. We can go there if that’s okay,” Gordy suggested.

“Is it noisy?” Howard asked. “I always have difficulty in places with a lot of background noise. It makes it hard to distinguish when someone is speaking to me.”

“How so? Can’t you just ignore what you don’t need?”

“Yeah, I’m good at that. But you don’t realize how many of the cues you take are visual. You know when someone is speaking to you because they look at you and give you their attention. I don’t get that, so I have to pay extra attention to conversational context. It’s easier when there aren’t a bunch of background conversations.”

“I don’t remember it being particularly noisy. But if it’s too much, just tell me and we can go someplace else,” Gordy said.

“I’m sure it will be fine,” Howard told him, making an effort to smile. He didn’t want to come across as a whiner or be a pain. He continued stroking Token, who moved closer. Howard realized he’d had no idea what he’d been missing; he really should have applied for a dog years ago. “Sometimes I can be so stubborn,” Howard said, thinking out loud.