Love Deluxe (11 page)

She laid down on the bed, covered her eyes with her arm and didn’t make a sound.

“I love John Foster completely, but it’s a different love, not like I had with Henry, there are variations of love. John and I are the same because we’ve been damaged by life. We’re like the survivors in that painting,
The Raft of the Medusa
, we’re adrift and maybe we’ll survive but maybe not. We cling to each other like a drowning man clings to a life-raft, he’s my hope and I’m his and sex and the crazy things we do together keep us afloat. The life I have now is an alternate version of the truth, Em. My other life was the real one and now that it’s gone nothing can ever hurt me as badly again. But a baby would, I would love it into eternity. I’d be fearful every minute of its life. And Em, I can’t give love that was meant for Brooks to another child, I won’t betray him that way. I have to stay true to him, I can’t be someone else’s mother. Do you see?”

Emily sat up to face me and said, “Only you know what’s right for you, love. Like I’ve told you before, if I lived inside your heart and mind for even a minute my own heart would explode.”

In the bathroom I washed my face, it was puffy and my eyes were bloodshot, I didn’t look like me. I heard Emily talking on the phone, to Rob, I’m sure, saying we needed a little more girl time. I slipped into jeans and a t-shirt, walked back into the bedroom and asked if she would call Linda Meyer for me.

“You want me to call Linda Meyer, now?”

“Yes, please, tell her my house is for sale.”

She stared at me, uncomprehending, “I’m lost, Cate, what sort of illogical quantum leap have you made in the last hour that says you should sell your house?”

She followed me to the kitchen where I made a fresh Diet Coke, drank it quickly then leaned over the kitchen sink and threw up. She ran a cloth under water and handed it to me and I pressed it against my face, I wanted to hide behind it and cry again, but I was done with that, done with crying, sick of being the victim. The world hadn’t played fair. Not by the rules that I thought applied. Fine, the ordinary rules wouldn’t apply, not to me or my life, not anymore. I got a pack of cigarettes from the pantry and lit one as I walked out to the patio and sat down, blowing a cloud of blue smoke.

Emily followed with the phone to her ear, “Linda Meyer, please. Hi Linda, this is Emily Van Sant. Cate Stuart asked me to call and have you list her house, yes, that’s right, for sale, I’m not sure, she’s remarried you know and I believe the house just isn’t right for them.” She was doing a good job of sounding like she knew what was going on.

I stubbed out the cigarette and held out my hand for the phone. I asked Linda to let me know what the house was worth, how much money it would bring, that I’d like to sell it soon and would consider any reasonable offer. She gushed in her East Texas accent that she would put some numbers together and stop by the house with a contract that afternoon at five thirty.

“Can I say something?” Emily asked cautiously after I’d hung up.

“Yes,” I said, lighting another cigarette and then crushing it out immediately, my mouth was dry as hay.

“You have a pregnancy scare which you consider pretty shitty, but I know you too well, you would have loved that baby and your heart is breaking all over again. Now you’ve just put your house up for sale, you want your husband to have a vasectomy and you haven’t told him about any of this.”

“Call me crazy,” I said, “I’m moving on.”

***

Emily wanted to go with me for the ultrasound but I insisted that she go home to Rob so he wouldn’t feel abandoned. I wasn’t a total basket-case I assured her, waiting and wondering was the worst part and that was over and done with.

I was in and out of Dr. Rice’s office in record time, she would work me in for the D and C on Thursday which was two days away. A wave of longing for John swept over me and I hoped John would be home by then. As I drove home the receptionist from the urologist’s office called, she’d scheduled John for a vasectomy the following Monday at ten.

When I walked into my empty house there a note on the dining room table from Emily.

“
I’ll be back tonight with take-out and a movie, try to stay out of trouble you skinny Drama Queen! XoXo, Em.
”

As always, Emily made me smile.

My thoughts turned to selling my house and how nice it would be to spend some time in Seaside. I was sure John would love the white sand beaches and the pretty pastel cottages. My sisters and I owned a cottage called The Wild Blue Yonder and there had been more than one discussion about updating the interiors. This would be the perfect opportunity, John and I could stay in Florida for a few months and together we could accomplish great things. The phone rang just then and I clicked on and said “hello.”

“There’s my sweetie,” John said, and he sounded excited and happy. “Are you missing me yet? Man, I’m lost without you, buddy, but things are going great here. I threw out everything in storage, you wouldn’t have let me bring any of that junk in the front door. I only kept a box of old pictures, you’re gonna freak when you see how long my hair used to be, I looked like a member of an eighties hair band! My friend Jimmy took care of a couple of legal things for me, then guess what? I drug him away from all of his lawyering and we’re in Vegas. God, I wish I was home right now, I’m winning big at the craps table but just hearing your voice makes me need my sweetie.”

His words spilled out in a rush and I just sat there thinking,
What the fuck! You’re in Las Vegas
?

“Well, damn,” I said, sinking into a sofa in the family room. “Las Vegas, wow. How much did you win? Are you coming back soon?”

“Oh, my baby needs me,” he said and laughed, “I was going to stay a couple more days, Jimmy’s loosened up and having a blast and I have a surprise for you.”

“A surprise? Well that’s exciting, I hope. John, I need to talk to you and not on the phone, I need you to come home by… at least before Monday.”

“Catey, what’s wrong?”

“I’m fine, we’re fine, just a little something, a bump in the road, can you get a flight in a couple of days?”

“I’m driving, I bought a new car, a Range Rover. You’re gonna love it, that’s the surprise.”

A Range Rover
,
what about the pimp mobile Mercedes you adore
? I couldn’t imagine him ever letting it go.

“I bought it in L.A., it’s for you, buddy. Are you happy? Jimmy’s flying home in the morning but I can leave now, drive straight through, what’s happened? Tell me now. Let me get back to the room, I’ll grab my stuff and get on the road, you’re not kicking me out are you? I shouldn’t have left you so soon, this shit could’ve waited. I’m really worried now, please tell me.”

“Stay there with Jimmy, everything’s fine. I had a doctor’s appointment yesterday because of the nausea, I’m okay, but we need to discuss something.”

“Doctor? Holy hell, I’m coming home. Christ, what is it, I can’t stand this?”

I let out a long sigh, “John, seriously, I’m fine, we’re fine, I promise. All is well, I love you.”

He was quiet, he knew I loved him but I rarely said the words. I hated that he was there and I couldn’t just say, “I never asked if you wanted a baby,” but it wasn’t that simple, it wasn’t an A-B-C world.

“I trust you,” he said, “we’re okay, nothing bad is going to happen. I’ll be on the road in an hour and I’ll let you know where I am, okay buddy?”

“Okay buddy,” I said, “drive carefully, please.”

“Catey, I can’t live without you, you know that, right?”

“Me too,” I said.

***

At five-thirty I heard the ring of the doorbell and phone at the same time. I answered the phone as I opened the door and waved Linda in.

“Linda, there’s a good Sauvignon Blanc in the wine-fridge, why don’t you open and pour, and I’ll be right with you.”

John was talking incessantly in my ear and I hadn’t even said hello.

“I’m on the road and my mind is going crazy. I’m just in limbo here, I’m driving as fast as I can but I don’t want to get pulled over, I need to see you.”

“John, stop worrying,” I said, “I’m fine, calm down. Pull over and get a room, sleep for a few hours. Listen, Linda Meyer just walked in and I need to talk to her. Please don’t drive like a mad man, if you do I’ll worry.”

“Why is Linda there?” he asked, panic in his voice. “Are you having dinner or something?”

“Yes, we’re having dinner and talking about a new project, maybe. Now stay off the phone, I want you home safe and sound.”

He sounded relieved and said he should be home sometime the next day. He’d pull over if he got tired and grab a nap in the back of the car.

I laughed at that “John logic.” Why get a motel room when you could sleep in a Range Rover?

Linda and I sipped wine and she showed me the comparables for houses in my area. The housing market was down but my house was worth many times what we’d paid for it twenty years before. We agreed on a price and she filled in the blanks on the contract she’d brought. I signed and initialed page after page and she put the contract in her brief case.

“Well whatcha going to do when it sells, Cate? And it will, that’s a good price and clients ask about this house all the time. The location can’t be beat and you’ve done wonderful things with it. I doubt it will last a month, where will you go?” 

“To Seaside, Florida,” I said. “My sisters and I have a cottage there; we’ve been meaning to do a little updating on it…”

She cut me off midsentence, “I was thinking about that place the other day. Remember, a bunch of us went when you first bought it? Goodness, that must’ve been ten years ago, our kids were still at the Junior School. We had the best time, I’ll never forget that glorious sand and your house was so roomy and just darlin’. I swear, Cate, you are the luckiest thing!” She stopped, her huge smile fading fast, “Oh, Cate, I didn’t mean you haven’t had some terrible luck….” She searched for the right words.

“Don’t worry about it,” I said.

“But honey,” she said, “you know we’re all so happy for you and John, so glad ya’ll found each other. Your wedding was a dream and that John, well, I’m telling you, we all think he looks like a big blond Viking. Honestly, you’ve never been more beautiful, Cate, you’ve just been glowing since you met him. It’s wonderful to see a smile on your face again.”

“Linda, back to houses, I want to keep a place here, something small but not a condo. Any ideas?”

“I do have something I know you’ll just fall in love with; it’s a new listing, very hush-hush. It’s not even going into MLS. You know Jana George don’t you? Well she bought this huge warehouse downtown right on the river, fabulous views.”

Of course I knew Jana; her father owned a major football team and she had her own foundation that funded women’s shelters. She gave millions to end domestic violence and it seemed she was dabbling in real estate.

“Well, Jana has disappeared to her place in San Miguel. Nobody’s sure but the word on the street is that she’s met someone and is going to live there in Mexico full time. She’s quietly put her house and all her property in Texas on the market.”

“I’m glad to hear she’s found someone, I hope she’s happy. I don’t know her well, just in passing,” I said.

“So she was doing the entire top floor of the warehouse for herself and there’s a little semi-attached building that served as a carriage house. It’s three stories but very narrow, garage and study on the bottom, living areas on the second floor and a wonderful master bedroom up top. She was redoing it to use for a guest house, it’s about ninety percent complete, with your taste it could be killer, and I bet you could get a good deal since she’s left Texas.”

“I want to see it, I never thought about living downtown, but I might love the idea. Walking distance to the Majestic Theater and just all the energy. Yes, for sure, set it up, can we go in the morning?”

“I’ll see if I can get the key, I’m not sure if we have one yet.”

“Linda, I’m leaving for Florida next week, I have to move fast. If it’s not what I want we can mark it off the list and you can email some other prospects, but I am anxious.”

“Be at my office at ten in the morning, Cate. I’ll make it happen.”

I was about to go upstairs for a bath when Emily walked in with to-go boxes from
Paesanos
. My stomach growled the minute I caught the delicious smell of pasta, butter, garlic and shrimp.

“Radar love!” I said. “I was just craving Shrimp Paesano.”

“Well, that’s how I roll.” She cut her eyes toward me to see if I thought she was totally cool for saying that.

“Go on with your bad self,” I said so we could have a “Who’s cooler” contest.

She’d brought far too much food, spread it out on the table and asked, “Plastic forks or real?”

“Plastic and no plates, straight out of the containers like dogs.”

“Suits me,” she said, “got wine?”

“Sister-Girl, you know I do.”

“Then serve it up, gal, move it, I’m thirsty!”

We laughed easily, the last days’ tension gone.

“How ya doin’ kiddo?” she asked.