Love Everlasting (9 page)

She wondered in that moment if Wade, like most men, simply wanted a wife who would smile and agree with everything he said. The thought troubled her.

“Wade, you do know that I have never been one for sitting around being idle. You know that I am very poor at taking direction, even though I work at it. Sometimes I just see that there are more important things to be done and feel that it's my job to take care of those things.”

He chuckled. “Of course I know all of that.”

“And you know, too, that I've never been one to seek approval. Not yours or anyone else's. Save God's, of course. I really do want His approval. But I fear that I will disappoint you in my lack of obedience. I'm not at all good with such things when I perceive something else to be God's will. Life with me will not be easy.”

Wade looked at her with great tenderness in his expression. “I love you, Abrianna. With all your quirks and notions. I've never looked for the easy way in life, just for the way that I feel God is leading me. So long as you are doing that, as well, we are certain to be on the same path.”

But while his words sounded convincing, Abrianna had her doubts. After all, didn't the Bible say that some were called to one gift and responsibility and some to another?

“You seem troubled, Daughter.” Jay Cunningham eyed Abrianna with concern. That morning at breakfast she'd only toyed with her food and then did the same thing at lunch. He figured, as her father, he should at least attempt to get to the bottom of
it and had followed her out to the far reaches of the expansive lawn to where she sat under a tree.

Abrianna glanced up and smiled. “I'm fine. I didn't mean to give you cause for worry.”

He sat down beside her and plucked a blade of grass. “You don't look fine. You barely ate anything at breakfast and nothing at lunch. You've been in a mood since your return from seeing your friends off. Is that what's bothering you?”

“I will miss them.” She looked away. “Militine is a dear friend. Thane, too. It won't be the same without them, but I know they have prayed about it and feel God is guiding them to San Francisco.” She sighed, as if she held the weight of the world.

Jay frowned and tried to figure out how to get her to talk. He knew so little about this young woman, but he was her father and felt it his duty to try. “If you aren't worried about them, then what? Do you have concerns about getting married?”

Her expression seemed to become a mask. She looked at him oddly. “Why would I have worries about marriage? It is what men and women do. It's expected for a woman to marry so that she'll have a man to take care of her.”

“I thought folks were supposed to marry for love these days. It's not the dark ages anymore.” He smiled, but Abrianna remained expressionless. This was unlike anything he'd ever seen in her before. Had something happened between her and Wade? He hesitated to ask. She might refuse to answer or feel he wasn't entitled to know. A thought came to him.

“You know, when I married your mama, I was dumbstruck by love.” He gave a chuckle. “She was the prettiest little thing. She worked at a little restaurant, and when she came to pour me a cup of coffee and smiled . . . well, I just lost my heart.”

Abrianna said nothing, but he felt certain she was listening.
Jay continued. “I was determined from the start to win her. What I didn't know until later was that she had set her cap for me, too. We led each other on a merry chase and could have avoided a lot of conflict had we just talked it over. I think she was worried I'd think less of her if she declared her love first, and I was rather fearful of her rejecting me.”

“But she didn't. She gave in and obviously felt marriage was purposed for the two of you.” Abrianna sounded sad and resigned.

“Are you having doubts that it's the right step for you and Wade?”

She looked at him, and a tiny flash of pain crossed her face. “Why would you ask such a thing? Wade and I have been good friends for a very long time. He loves me and I love him. Isn't that enough?”

“Is it?”

Abrianna looked away. “Did you allow my mother to help with your needs?”

“In what way?” He felt he was finally making some progress.

“Did she use her own money to help with expenses?”

“She didn't have much more than I did. We rarely had much more than what would pay the rent and put food on the table.”

“Did she continue to wait tables after you married, or did you forbid her to do so?”

“Somehow I get the feeling this conversation isn't really about me and your mama. So why don't you tell me what Wade has said or done to make you feel out of sorts.”

She shook her head. “I doubt it would matter, although I am most perplexed. However, you are a man, and men are a complete mystery to me. You think and feel things in ways that differ from the female gender. I doubt there is a woman alive who understands what you are really about.”

Jay laughed. “Ain't a man who don't feel the same way about women.”

She turned to him. “But how can that be? We're very easy to understand. We want to be useful. We want to know that our lives count for something. We want to serve God and make the world a better place. Is that so hard to comprehend?”

He chose his words carefully, hoping she wouldn't clam up again. “I suppose you're worried that marriage will keep you from helping the poor like you used to.”

She shrugged. “That and much more.”

“I know I haven't been here for your growing up, but I do love you, Abrianna. I want to help you if I can, but it is obvious that you're pretty caught up in your fretting.”

“Oh, I suppose I am.” She sighed, and he felt the walls collapse around her. “So much is changing, and I feel that I'm changing with it. But I don't want to. I always thought God had a specific plan of work for me, work that I would do for the poor. Work that would be done either with or without a husband.”

“Has Wade decided you can't help the poor anymore?”

“Wade doesn't want me helping anyone with anything, apparently.”

“Did he say that?”

She shook her head. “No. He said he doesn't want any of my money to help us get our start in life. He won't use my inheritance to buy us a place or to benefit his business. He would probably even complain if I bought him a gift with it. I don't see why he should be so pigheaded, and I even told him so. But he is a most complex man. I think he probably even challenges God. I suppose that is going too far. I do have difficulty with making exaggerations to prove my point.”

Finally Jay could see the problem. “A man wants to know he
can take care of his family, Abrianna. It was always a worry of mine. It was the reason I was away from you and your mother. I was looking for work. I wanted to be able to give you both a good life, and that meant I had to make a better living.”

“And just see where that kind of thinking led. Goodness, but it seems to me that if God intended man to go it on his own, He wouldn't have said that it wasn't good for you to be alone. Sometimes I think the entire world has gone mad, and I'm the only one left in it that understands the truth.”

“Maybe your kind of truth.”

“And just what do you mean by that?” Her question sounded like a challenge.

“I mean that you've decided how the world should be, and when it doesn't cooperate, you get your feathers all ruffled up. Maybe you got this way because I wasn't around to help advise you. Maybe it's because you lost your mama and me and got yourself raised by someone else. But I will say that you've got a stubborn streak in you that runs a mile wide and ten miles long.” He grinned. “That, you get from me.”

She looked at him for a long moment, and as she did, the anger seemed to fade and tears formed in her eyes. “I can't be what I'm not. Why can't people just accept me for who I am?”

“And what is it Wade won't accept?”

“That I am capable of helping him. That I want to share what I have with him. Not just my heart or even my body.” She blushed. “Excuse my boldness. I want to share my intelligence, my blessings. My aunts gave me an inheritance, and I want to share that, as well.”

“But Wade doesn't want your money?”

“I don't think Wade wants me. Not really. I think he wants me to be someone else, and I don't think I can do that.”

“Did you talk to him about this?”

“I tried. Oh, stuff and nonsense.” She sniffed and her voice faltered. “I don't even feel like I can control my emotions. I've spent most of my life not being given to tears, and it seems of late they are all too present in my life.”

Jay could see the tears slide down her cheeks. He wanted to comfort her, to reach out and pull her close and hold her, as he might have when she was a little girl. Unfortunately, the years of separation came back to haunt him. He had no right to impose himself in her life, but that didn't stop him from wanting to be her father in full.

“Abrianna, I know we don't really know each other very well. I hope that will change in time and you will come to know me and know my love for you. I only want the very best for you. I wanted that for your mama, too. Sometimes a man has to do things that seem odd to a woman. It's not just about pride. You need to understand that. It's more about the way God made us.”

“God told us to share one another's burdens,” Abrianna said, not bothering to wipe away her tears. “He told us to consider others as better than ourselves. He said to give generously to one another. Why don't those things matter?”

“They do. You know they do.” He reached out and took hold of her hand, hoping and praying she wouldn't refuse him. She didn't. “A man needs to be the protector and the provider for his family. It fulfills his sense of who he is. It's something God puts into us, Abrianna. Don't try to take that away from Wade. It's who he is and probably one of the things you love best about him, if you really think about it.”

“But what about the way God made me? What about what Wade's taking away from me?”

“And what is it he's taking? I thought a minute ago you
were accusing him of not being willing to receive anything from you.”

Abrianna opened her mouth, then closed it again. She looked perplexed and shook her head. After several minutes of silence she finally spoke. “I don't know. My head is spinning, and I can't think clear at all. Up feels like down and right feels left. I'm most perplexed, and that vexes me.” She got to her feet. “I hate being an adult. I thought much clearer when I was a child. I knew what I wanted. I felt I understood what God wanted. Now I just feel lost and confused. I'm not even sure God is listening, because He certainly isn't giving me any answers.”

Jay got to his feet slowly. He offered Abrianna a smile. “You kind of have to stop talking in order to hear what He has to say. Just like you have to stop fretting and fussing about what you think Wade is saying and really listen to hear what he's actually talking about.”

Her shoulders slumped, and he could see the defeat in her eyes. “I am quite hopeless. All of my life people have sought to change me. I bore their criticism and direction and did truly endeavor to change. Now I'm not at all sure I've accomplished anything at all. Just when I think I have a grasp on what I'm supposed to do, it seems like everything changes again, and everyone wants something different.”

Jay took a chance and stepped forward. He opened his arms to Abrianna and prayed she would know the love he felt for her. She hesitated a moment, searching his face as if for understanding. Then, without a word, she stepped into his embrace and put her head on his shoulder. A great heavy sob escaped her lips, and her entire body shook as she cried in his arms.

Swallowing hard, Jay glanced heavenward and prayed.
Help
me to help her, Lord.
I don't know what to do but love her,
and that just don't seem enough.

A
brianna listened to Wade conclude his sermon and couldn't help but smile. Her fiancé loved God and was a gifted speaker, even without formal training or seminary schooling. He took the Bible, studied it, and sought answers when he didn't fully understand. But most importantly, he listened to God's direction for putting the teaching into practice. Who could want more from their pastor?

“I will read once again those verses from Second Corinthians chapter five. ‘Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation; To wit, that God was in Christ, reconciling the world unto himself, not imputing their trespasses unto them; and hath committed unto us the word of reconciliation. Now then we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God did beseech you by us: we pray you in Christ's stead, be ye reconciled to God. For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him.'” Wade looked up as he closed the Bible.

“The old debris of our city is being put aside, carried away, or plowed under for the purpose of rebuilding. The old is being passed away and all things are to become new. There is a new life to be had, a new city to be born. But in order to allow for it, we must rid ourselves of the old. The same is true of our own lives. We have an old nature that must give way to allow for the new reconciliation we have through Christ. We cannot be renewed unless we are willing to set aside the old. Let's pray.”

Abrianna bowed her head. All the Scriptures Wade used that morning flowed through her mind. She wanted to pray, but her heart was burdened. She had to find a way to ease her fears. Wade was a good man, and God had given him a wondrous gift to teach the Word. Wade was a good man, and God had given him the ability to love. Wade was a
good
man . . . why, then, should she struggle so much with her feelings?

“Amen.”

Wade's deep voice brought her head up, and she realized she'd not prayed at all but had simply mulled over the same old thoughts she'd wrestled with all week. She gathered her things and then stepped to one side of the sanctuary to watch people greet Wade. They were all smiles. Encouraging him with their comments and approval. It warmed her heart to see their acceptance of the man she loved.

“I must say, he gives a good sermon.”

Abrianna looked to her right and found Priam Welby standing there. “He does.” She tried to think of something to say without bringing up his threats to do himself harm. “I'm glad you could be here.”

“I am, too. I hoped we might have a word.”

“To what purpose?”

He smiled. “I believe you know what purpose.”

“Mr. Welby, please do not put me in this most difficult position.” Abrianna clutched her Bible to her breast. “I cannot court you. I am engaged to be married.” She held out her left hand as if to offer proof.

“It's lovely. Although I would give you something much grander.”

“I think it's perfect. Just as I know Wade is the man I'm to marry.”

“I think in time you will change your mind.”

She shook her head. “Then you do not know me very well. Even if I were to dissolve my engagement with Mr. Ackerman, I would not court you. You see, I believe God has some very important work for me to do. At this point I'm not even sure it can be accomplished in marriage.”

His expression grew quizzical. “So you are thinking of remaining single? Are you planning to end your engagement?”

“I'm trying my best to leave all of my plans in God's hands.” She hadn't meant to give him the impression that she might not marry Wade, but concern about it was ever uppermost in her mind these last few days.

“Abrianna,” he said in a hushed voice, “you know how I feel about your work for God. I would never dream of interfering and would, in fact, be most beneficial. I would still help you to rebuild a new facility for the needy. We could reinstitute our contract, and you would see just how much it could help all those people you care so much about.”

Glancing across the sanctuary, Abrianna shook her head. “Mr. Welby, I appreciate your thoughts and your support of my calling.” She paused and gave him a smile. “But I cannot.” She started to leave, but he took hold of her arm.

“I'm not a very patient man, Abrianna.” His tone sent a chill through her. “I'm used to having what I want, and I want you.”

She looked at him for a moment and shook her head. “I am sorry, Mr. Welby. I am not for sale.”

“Everyone has their price, Abrianna. I think in time we shall learn yours.”

His eyes darkened, and the look he gave left Abrianna in a state of unease. A chill skittered through her limbs as she contemplated what lengths he might go to force his hand. Were the stories Wade and Kolbein had heard about Mr. Welby true? Had she truly misjudged him and given him the benefit of the doubt when she should have been suspect all along? This was more complicated than she ever thought possible. She narrowed her eyes and straightened her back. “Good day, Mr. Welby.”

Abrianna hurried to the back of the church where Wade was speaking to the last of the parishioners. She didn't wait to talk to him but slipped out behind the older couple and hurried to where her father stood with the other ladies of the Madison Bridal School.

“Your Wade did a mighty fine job today.” Her father beamed.

“He did.” She let out a long breath, feeling that with her father and the others, Mr. Welby would not risk making another scene. “I've always thought he would make a wonderful preacher, and now I see that I was right.”

“I saw you speaking to Mr. Welby,” Aunt Poisie came alongside Abrianna. “I do hope he was not causing you grief. The world often talks of the revenge of women scorned, but I believe men can be just as dangerous.”

“I do, too, Aunt Poisie, but I am fine. Mr. Welby was merely commenting on Wade's sermon.”

“Oh, it was grand, wasn't it?” Aunt Poisie clasped her gloved hands together. “It was as if the apostle Paul were right there in the pulpit, although I'm sure he never had a fine black suit.” She looked most thoughtful. “But I cannot imagine Wade in robes. Even so, I've never heard the Scriptures recited with more reverence and feeling.”

Abrianna nodded, but her mind was still on Welby's threatening tone. At least he was no longer talking about causing himself harm. She supposed she should be glad about that. Brother Mitchell and Wade came to join the group, causing her to let go of further contemplation.

“I'd say our young man here did an exceptional job today,” Brother Mitchell declared.

“He did indeed,” Aunt Poisie replied before anyone else could speak. “I was just telling Abrianna that it was almost like having the apostle Paul himself in the pulpit. I have never heard the Word spoken with more feeling and understanding.” She put her hand over her heart. “It moved me.”

“As it did me” came a feminine voice.

Abrianna turned to find Clara, one of the bridal school students, batting her eyes at Wade. She leaned forward and took hold of his arm. “I was truly blessed. I hope maybe later we can further discuss some of the teaching you shared. I'm afraid I don't understand everything, but I'd like to.”

A twinge of jealousy rose up in Abrianna. The girl was throwing herself at Wade. His next words helped to put her at ease, however, as he pulled his arm from Clara's touch. “I know Abrianna can expand on it and would love to help you understand. She's studied the Bible with great interest.”

“But I find men to speak with more clarity and authority.” Clara had the audacity to touch him again. “Do say you'll help
me. I'm certain to understand if you will but spend a few moments with me alone. Those Scriptures are vexing me.”

“Clara, I believe you need to join the other girls in the omnibus,” Aunt Miriam said, coming from behind to give Clara a push toward the awaiting transport. “You and I will spend the afternoon going over those Scriptures that seem to vex you.”

Abrianna would have giggled had Clara not fixed her with a fierce glare. Abrianna watched as Aunt Miriam led the younger woman away and could only imagine how tormenting the afternoon would be for Clara. Aunt Miriam was quite tedious in her Bible teaching.

She turned to say something to Wade, but he was already busy talking to another parishioner. So instead, Abrianna tucked her Bible under one arm and made her way to the carriage. Without assistance she climbed up and plopped down in a most unladylike way. She said nothing, but it still troubled her that Clara could be so openly disrespectful of her engagement to Wade.

“I know that look.”

Aunt Miriam stood beside the carriage. Abrianna waited as her father helped the older woman up. Once Aunt Miriam was seated, she fixed Abrianna with a stern gaze.

“Something has irritated you.”

“I suppose it has.” Abrianna tried to arrange her skirts then gave up. Even though no one was around to overhear, she leaned forward and whispered. “I do not like the way Clara flirts with Wade. It's unbecoming and uncalled for since she knows we are engaged.”

“I thought it might be something like that,” Aunt Miriam replied. “I will deal with her this afternoon. However, you might as well get used to such things. Men of the cloth seem particularly vulnerable to the wiles of women. Often a woman of question
able conscience will put a pastor in a difficult position. Some women do it to feel important, and others act thusly because it's their sinful nature. My point, however, is that if Wade continues to take on the role of pastor, this is something you will face.”

“I find it appalling.” Abrianna crossed her arms, hugging the Bible close.

“As do I. But you must credit Wade for handling the matter in good order. You will need to figure out a way to deal with it and help Wade, as well. Perhaps after you are married, you could make calls with him when he goes to visit the congregation. I know the elders never called upon people unless all three were able to go. If a woman comes alone seeking help, you might make certain that you remain with Wade as he speaks to her or prays with her.”

“I doubt he'd want my help. He's a very independent man.” Abrianna knew her words sounded harsh and Aunt Miriam would confront her if she didn't explain. Giving her aunt a smile, Abrianna hurried on. “But he can have my help whenever he wants it. I am determined to be helpful in whatever way possible. I suppose I shouldn't allow my thoughts to turn to jealousy, but you know how I can be. Grief, but it seems I always have something to repent of. I know you must weary of trying to teach me. You have always been so very patient with me.”

Aunt Miriam eyed her with a look that made it clear to Abrianna she wasn't convincing the older woman of anything. Just then, Aunt Selma and Aunt Poisie came to the carriage and, with the help of Abrianna's father, climbed in to take their seats.

“Wasn't Wade amazing?” Aunt Poisie began.

Abrianna settled back in her seat and fixed her attention on the church's graveyard. She could only pray that Aunt Miriam
would let the matter go. Abrianna would just have to figure out how to deal with her feelings of jealousy, as well as her doubts.

“If you ladies are ready,” Wade said, taking the driver's seat, “I'll take us home.”

“Drive on, Wade. We are properly assembled,” Aunt Miriam declared.

Abrianna looked to where her father was taking his place to drive the omnibus back to the school. Wade had made the large enclosed vehicle to transport as many as ten passengers. Her aunts had instructed him as to the size, the window locations, and even the paint colors of red and yellow. He really was a very talented builder and a wonderful friend.

She bit her lower lip, as she was wont to do when worrying over a matter. Losing him would be the worst thing she could imagine. Outside of her faith in God, it was her love—their shared love—that had given her life meaning.

But if I don't change
, I will lose him.

The thought settled hard on her spirit. But love was about sacrifice. Jesus showed His love by sacrificing His very life. Should she do less in her love for Wade? What if sacrificing her own desires and plans for the future was what God was calling her to? A sort of laying down her life for her friend, just as the Bible spoke about when defining the greatest love.

Sunday dinner offered little relief. Abrianna watched as Clara continued to tease and flirt with Wade and wondered if there was something she should say or do.
If I make a scene, it will only let
Clara know that her actions are a bother to me.
I will sound accusing and petty. But it's not
petty. She's clearly being unkind toward me and loose
with Wade. That's uncalled for
.