Love in a Blue Time (18 page)

‘Sorry?’

‘Just to try another body. Another thingy. You know.’

Lisa was about to say something but only cleared her throat.

Karen said, ‘Is that your only dress? Haven’t you got anything else? Moon says you’re always in the shop.’

‘I like this dress. It’s cool.’

‘Vance might have to close that place. You’re the only person who goes in there.’

‘And the club?’

‘Vance doesn’t tell me much.’ She said, ‘A lot of the men round here go for you. Like Moon.’

‘Oh Moon,’ sighed Lisa. ‘As Rocco said, Moon’s on another planet. Men think that if they put their hands on you or say filthy things you’ll want them.’

‘Only if you ask for it,’ Karen replied sharply. ‘What will you live on in London?’

‘I’ll … I’ll do journalism. I’ve been thinking about some ideas.’

Karen nodded. ‘A single woman in London. That’s a popular scenario. Thing is,’ she said, ‘however much a woman wants a career, for most of us it’s a load of daydreams. We aren’t going to make enough to have a top-class life. The only way to get that is to marry the right guy. You might be brainy, but without money you can’t do nothing.’

‘Money! Why do people have to have so much of it?’

‘People are so envious, it’s dirty envy, it makes me mad. They want what we have but won’t do anything to get it.’

Waves of heat rolled through Lisa’s body; if only the top of her head were hinged and she could let them out.

She said, ‘People say of the young people in this town … that we don’t want to do anything. It’s not true. Just give us a chance, we say.’ Before Karen could speak again, Lisa went on, ‘Did you come for any reason?’

Karen looked surprised. ‘Only to talk.’

Lisa was thinking of other things. Her demeanour changed. ‘I want to do so much. To learn to sing and dance. To paint. To row on the river. To play guitar and drums. I can’t wait to begin my life!’

When she left Karen insisted on kissing Lisa again.

Lisa felt dizzy and feverish. She stepped out of her dress and rolled herself into a ball, under a sheet. She was thirsty, but there was no one to bring her a drink.

She awoke to find Rocco apologising for his rudeness at the picnic.

She cried out, ‘Oh God, that woman Karen has done me in!’

‘What was she here for? What did she say?’

Rocco noticed the blood on the sheet and went immediately to fetch Bodger.

‘Did they teach you at medical school to hold onto your patients’ hands that long, while whispering in their ears?’ enquired Rocco when Bodger came out of the room.

‘So you’re jealous?’ said Bodger. ‘You don’t want me to go out with her?’

‘If you sorted out the money and I got out, you’d be welcome to have a go.’

‘I’m trying to get the money,’ said Bodger, glancing back at the door in embarrassment. ‘But I’m a doctor, not a financier.’

‘I’ve never known a doctor to be short of money.’

Bodger’s voice squeaked. ‘You’re arrogant! I haven’t had time to go to the bank. Are you still sure you want to get out?’

‘If I can’t get away by Saturday I’m going to go insane!’

‘All right, all right!’

‘What about by Friday morning?’ Rocco put his mouth close to Bodger’s ear and whispered. ‘When I’m gone, she’s all yours. If you knew how I’ve been praising you!’

‘Have you?’

‘Oh yes. She likes men. A lot of women do.’

‘Yes?’

‘But they keep it to themselves – for fear of encouraging the wrong sort.’

Bodger couldn’t help believing him.

‘You don’t look well,’ said Vance as Bodger came into the restaurant. ‘Shall I call a doctor?’

‘I thought I’d see the enterprise culture at work,’ shouted Bodger over the music, removing his bicycle clips and putting his hands over his ears. ‘Without conversation, clearly. What, er, are you up to?’

‘Creating work, satisfying demand, succeeding.’

‘Lend me £300, will you, Vance? No, £400.’

Vance put his arm around him.

‘The place next door is for sale. Come and look. I’m thinking of buying it and knocking through. Put the kitchen in there. More tables here.’ While Bodger looked around the almost empty restaurant Vance spoke to a waitress. ‘Better food, too.’ The waitress returned; Vance put the money on the table with his hand on top of it. ‘If it’s for Rocco you can forget it.

‘What if it is? That would be none of your business!’

‘I won’t let you lend money to any sad sack.’

Bodger waved his arms. ‘It is for him! But no one tells me what to do!’

‘Shhh … People are eating.’

Feather, who was writing her journal at the next table, started laughing.

Bodger said, ‘Don’t be inhumane. You think you’re letting people be independent, but really you’re just letting them down. How can it be wrong to help others?’

‘But I’m all for charity. Is Rocco going away?’ Bodger nodded. ‘Without her?’

‘At first.’

‘The bastard’s doing a runner. With my money! He’s going to leave her behind. You’ll get stuck with her.’

‘Will I?’

Vance regarded him beadily. ‘You want her?’ Bodger gulped. ‘Do you?’

‘I would love her.’

‘I can’t guarantee to lay on love, but she’ll sleep with you.’

‘Are you certain? Did she mention it?’

‘She’d do it with anyone. Haven’t you asked her yet?’

‘Asked?’ Bodger was shivering. ‘Once I’d said it … if she said yes, I’d be too excited, you know, to do anything. I sort of imagine that there are, out there, people who know how to ask for everything they want. They’re not afraid of being rejected or laughed at, or of being so nervous that they can’t even speak. But I’m not one of them.’

‘You’ll soon get sick of Lisa. She’ll be so expensive to run. Can’t imagine her working. High ideals and no prospects. Your great friend Rocco is making you an idiot.’

‘I’ll make him promise to take her with him.’

‘Promise! In a year you’ll run into him in London doing your Christmas shopping, and he’ll be with another woman saying this time it’s true love.’

Bodger put his head in his hands.

Vance said at last, ‘You’re a good man and people respect you. But this is weakness.’ He passed the money over. ‘There’s one condition. Lisa goes with him. If she doesn’t, I’ll kick his backside into the sea.’

Next day, a Thursday, Karen closed a part of the restaurant and held a small party for her son’s birthday. When Rocco and Lisa arrived Vance was giving the boy his present.

‘He’s going to be a businessman,’ Vance told Bodger. ‘But not in this country.’

‘What’s wrong with this country?’

Vance was looking across at Rocco and Lisa.

‘That woman doesn’t know she is about to be betrayed, does she? Or have you spoken to him?’

‘Not yet.’

Vance told the waitress to give them drinks and then said, ‘Sometimes I look around and think I’m the only person working in England – keeping everyone else alive, paying ridiculous taxes. Maybe I’ll just give up too, chuck it all in, and sit in the pub.’

‘Someone’s got to run the pub, Vance.’

‘You’re exactly right.’

Rocco was greeting people; he smiled unctuously at Vance. They shook hands. Then Rocco guided Bodger into a quiet corner.

‘Tomorrow is Friday.’ He was biting his nails. ‘Did you get me the loan?’

‘Some of it. I’ll get the rest later.’

‘Thank God!’

‘No, thank me.’

‘Yes, yes. You’ve saved me.’

Bodger said, ‘Look at Lisa! How could you go anywhere without those shoulders?’

‘We owe so much money here, we can’t leave. And where will we both stay in London? I’ve got friends, but I can’t impose her on people. How come you’ve suddenly got a problem with our agreement? Have you been talking to someone? It’s Vance, isn’t it? I thought you had a mind of your own.’

Bodger blurted out, ‘Take her with you, or I’ll give you no more money.’

‘Don’t you know how to love a friend?’

‘Don’t you know how to love Lisa?’

Karen came over with her son. ‘Am I interrupting? Rocco, look at this.’

She made the boy show Rocco his essays and drawings. ‘Excellents’ and ‘very goods’ danced before Rocco’s eyes.
Karen remarked in the posh voice she adopted on these occasions. ‘They push them hard at private schools.’

‘I know,’ said Rocco. ‘I am hoping, in the next few years, to make a partial recovery.’

He wanted his freedom; he didn’t want Lisa. If he stayed the bills would mount up. He would get more frustrated. Other people wanted you to live lives as miserable as theirs. This they considered moral behaviour.

He thought of the moment the train would pull away and how he would open a bottle of beer to celebrate. Of course, when Lisa did get to London he would have to squirm and lie to get rid of her: as if everyone didn’t lie at times, as if the lie were not protecting something, the integrity of a life. Lying was an underrated and necessary competence.

From across the room Lisa felt Moon’s eyes on her. She wanted to go with him to the beach. And then she felt she had no control over herself. Her desire made her want to leave Rocco. He would protest, of course. He needed her more than he acknowledged. But she would make plans secretly, and then announce them. It was time to get away.

Moon and Rocco nodded at one another and went outside to try some weed Moon had been growing using a new method involving human shit. Moon was intending to set up as a dealer, and move to London. He was awaiting Rocco’s opinion.

Rocco’s bloodshot eyes had closed. Then he started chuckling. Moon nodded confidentially. ‘Cool, cool.’ But after a time Rocco was clucking, and his head started to thrash as he reacted to some welling disturbance or internal storm. He started looking at people with a wild, frightened disposition, as if he feared they would attack him, his guffaws became shriller until he sounded like a small dog. He tried to get up from the table but his legs would not obey him and his right arm started jumping about on the table. Bodger was so alarmed that he and a frightened Moon led Rocco downstairs, supporting his head from behind while
Feather held a glass against his teeth, and water spilled onto his chest.

Lisa was clutching the back of the chair, afraid she would fall, terrified that Moon had told Rocco about them.

She went to Bodger. ‘What’s wrong with him?’

‘He’s smoked too much.’

‘Not more than normal,’ said Moon hastily.

‘What is it, the stuff you gave him?’

‘Mellow Wednesday. Because it’s mellow.’

‘I’m still alive,’ Rocco moaned, and said quietly to Bodger, ‘If I can get out of here I’ll be okay.’

Later, they all walked along the front under a violet sky.

Fearing that Moon might try and talk to her, Lisa tried to stay close to Karen and her son. Fear and dejection weakened her; she could hardly move her legs. But she didn’t go home, thinking Moon would try and accompany her. They went down to the beach.

‘I’m going,’ said Rocco at last.

Lisa took his arm. ‘Me too.’

Rocco said, ‘Thanks for the smoke, Moon. I’ll do the same for you some day.’

Moon said he was going in her direction. What a fool she’d been to provoke Moon, but she had been stupefied by desire. Now she had to take the consequences.

Rocco turned away. ‘I’ve got stuff to do. See you later.’

‘I must talk to you,’ said Moon, when he’d gone. ‘You’re playing games with me.’

Lisa said, ‘But I’m depressed.’

‘That’s not going to stop me fucking you this evening. Otherwise what you’ve been doing will get around. People round here will certainly be interested, you know what they’re like. In fact I think I’m going to fuck you today and tomorrow. After, you can do what you want.’

Lisa stopped at her front door. It was getting dark. She listened to the steady sea roar, glanced up at the star-strewn sky and felt she wanted to finish with everything.

‘You’re right, I’ve messed you around.’

She walked rapidly away and then turned up a side street leading away from the town. Pale patches of light from illuminated windows lay here and there on the road and she felt like a fly, perpetually falling into an inkpot and then crawling out again into the light. Moon was following her. At one point he stumbled, fell, and started laughing.

She turned. ‘Not in my house.’

Rocco had decided to spare Lisa all the lies at once. He would spread them out. He had also had another brilliant idea: to tell Bodger that she was going to accompany him, and, at the last moment, announce that she wasn’t well enough. If Bodger wouldn’t give him the money he’d leave anyway, hitch-hiking to London and sleeping on the street. After yesterday’s embarrassing paranoid fit, staying in the town was impossible.

Having decided this he felt better. He would visit Bodger for lunch, and charm him, and put him at ease. As soon as he walked in he saw Vance and Feather.

Before Rocco could get out, Vance said, ‘How d’you feel after your little fit? I thought only women had hysterics.’

‘Hysteria is ridiculous, yes. But most people recognise that paranoia is a kind of language, speaking to us but in a disguised way.’

Vance was looking at him with contempt. ‘You’re hopeless. Always scrounging money and talking rubbish.’

‘What? What did you say?’

‘You heard.’

Rocco went into the kitchen where Bodger was preparing lunch.

He began to yell, ‘If you haven’t got the money, just say that. But don’t go round town telling everyone about my problems! Don’t you know how to keep a confidence? I suppose, as a doctor, you tell everyone about your patients’ illnesses!’

Bodger threw a wooden spoon at him. ‘Come back later!’

Rocco rushed out of the kitchen.

‘Everyone’s spying on me now!’ he cried. ‘There’s nothing better for people to talk about! I borrow money! I ask someone to help me! And for that I am crucified! Then people say I get paranoid … End this surveillance now – that’s all I’m asking!’

Bodger followed him out of the kitchen, red-faced with rage. ‘No one accuses me of such shit!’

Feather began to laugh.

Rocco shouted at Bodger, ‘Just leave me alone!’ He looked at Vance. ‘Particularly you – you fascist Burger Queen.’