Love in a Headscarf (17 page)

We thought we had created a strong equilibrium in forging a path through the complications of culture and faith, and through it all we had maintained our relationships with our faith, family, and community. By pioneering this balance, were we paying the price for not being traditional enough for “traditional” men (and their mothers) and being too “boring and religious” for “modern” men?

“The Aunties tell us we’re not traditional enough …” said Noreen.

“… and the men who have the qualities we are looking for tell us that we are too traditional,” added Sara.

Were we (a) wrong about our ideas, or (b) the wrong kind of women?

5. OH MY GOD, WE ARE NEVER GOING TO GET MARRIED

“There are no decent men out there,” wept Sara again.

“And we’re the wrong kind of women,’” I howled once more.

There was only one conclusion, and Noreen was poised to make it: “We’re never going to get married.”

Were we—single, educated, twenty-first century (Muslim) women—a time bomb waiting to explode in the society we lived in? If a whole generation wasn’t married because there were no suitable partners, what would the repercussions be, not just for us, but for our communities?

“We’re going to die, old, wrinkled, and single, cats running around our house,” added Sara with theatrical drama. “We’re never going to find someone and we’ll never, ever get married.”

6. THE PERFECT MAN IS OUT THERE JUST WAITING FOR US

We had indulged in mutual misery, and reached the depths of despair. It felt good to share our pain, but we knew for sure in our hearts that there was someone out there waiting for us. Perhaps he wasn’t ready for us yet and still needed life to polish him up. Or maybe it was us that life needed to polish before we were ready for the One.

It was heartening to know that we were not alone in this situation. A good conversation with friends had turned sadness into solace, and returned us back to hope.

You, Not Me

S
ince that very first prize-winning speech as a child, I had regularly given short lectures about Islam at the mosque, as well as at other social and community events. At the wedding of a close friend I was asked to say a few words during the henna party, which was held a few days before the marriage itself.

The henna party is a women-only event, like an old-fashioned hen night. The bride holds a celebration with her female friends and relatives to prepare her for her married life to come. It is an event where women celebrate their femininity, share the wisdom of their relationships, and when mothers, daughters, and aunts bond over the happiness, tears, and struggles they all face together as women. Those who are married recall their own weddings and pass on their experiences, those who are not married have blessings and prayers showered on them by everyone else that one day they might be the woman at the center of attention. It is a gloriously female festival. At the end of the party an artist paints henna onto the hands and feet of the bride to make her look beautiful for her wedding day and new husband.

As this was a women-only event, I picked my most sparkly outfit, had my hair specially done for the occasion, and put on a full face of makeup. There was not a sign of headscarf, veil, or long cloak. I chose a beautiful crimson skirt that flowed with grace and elegance, which was embroidered all over with little twinkling crystals. It was matched with a small bodice with the same crystal embroidery and a silk shawl that draped glamorously over my arms. I had chosen long jewel-like earrings and a delicate necklace to finish off the look. I felt like a princess. I loved to dress up like this and the beauty was for me and those close to me. I loved looking beautiful: all women do, it is part of being a woman. But in public I wore the headscarf and more modest clothing because I did not want my looks to be what defined me.

In deciding what I would speak about at the party, there was only one subject that seemed appropriate: the Love and Compassion of the Divine. The topic was perfect for a wedding: having a partner was all about love and compassion.

“Allah always begins any chapter of the Qur’an with the words ‘In the Name of Allah, the Lovingly Compassionate, the Kind,’” I began.

“When you first meet someone that you are attracted to…” I paused and smiled conspiratorially at the bride. She giggled. “… Or when you are making an introduction and hoping that a marriage will come from it …” I now turned to face the mothers, Aunties, and matchmakers who raised their eyebrows. I could see them all wondering if I was about to compliment them or present them with a platitude or say something shocking. “… you always begin your introduction with something beautiful. You choose the quality that you think is the best thing about that person and you begin the introduction with that.”

I smiled with joy: “The thing that Allah, the Creator and Cherisher, wants us to know most about Him is that He is
Rahman
, full of loving compassion, and
Raheem
, full of kindness and mercy. These are two of His names that we are most familiar with and which He repeats about himself most often.”

God had many names by which to know Him, and the most common of these were the famous “Ninety-Nine Names.” These were ninety-nine ways in which God described His nature so that we could find a connection to the Sublime. There were names like Power, Majesty, and Strength, but also names like Gentle, Loving, and Generous. Reflecting on the names and their qualities would help to gain an understanding of God. Human beings were made up of all the same qualities, we just needed to uncover them and develop them in ourselves in order to become better individuals and get closer to the Divine.

It was time to come back from the sphere of the sublime and think about the wonderful romantic wedding in front of us. “Getting married is the perfect time to learn about kindness and compassion. These qualities are the groundwork for the relationship and reflect the love between husband and wife.”

Later at the party, one of the wedding guests approached me. “You stood up and you looked so pretty and so fashionable that we thought, ‘What is this modern girl all dressed up, no headscarf, all trendy, going to be able to tell us about religion?’”

I bit my tongue at the implicit idea that fashion and faith were mutually exclusive. She was not the only one who made that assumption. Those who were not familiar with Muslims and Islamic teachings often thought the same as her but in reverse: that wearing a headscarf meant a high quotient of zealousness and an inability to be fashionable.

I let her continue. “But not only did you look beautiful, you also spoke beautifully. You touched our hearts and we were very, very moved.”

“Thank you,” I said, gratified that I had overturned a mistaken assumption.

While preparing for my speech at the wedding, I had spent some time thinking about the most unexpected of love stories—that of the Prophet Muhammad and Khadijah, his first wife and true love. He was married to her for twenty-five years, and even long after her death he pined for her. He said that the Creator had nurtured his love for her in his heart, and no one could ever replace her. She was the first person that he told and who believed that he was a messenger from the Divine. The Prophet Muhammad was born in 570 AD in the city of Mecca, which lay at the heart of the Arabian Peninsula. The Arabs were a tribal people who took great pride in their ethnicity and looked down on those of non-Arab origin. Muhammad was born into one of the leading tribes called the Quraysh
.
It seems that he did not share their sense of superiority, but encouraged the tribes to be united. His family had for generations looked after the Kaba, which had been built by the Prophet Abraham in Mecca as a house dedicated to the One God but which now contained hundreds of idols worshipped by the pagan Arabs. They thought themselves to be highly knowledgeable and advanced for their time, and were particularly proud of the beauty and eloquence of their poetry, some of which still survives today. Alongside the polytheistic Arabs lived tribes of Jews and Christians. Some of them believed that their scriptures indicated that a prophet would come soon.

Muhammad’s father died before he was born and his mother died when he was only six years old. He went to live with his grandfather, who was considered one of the statesmen of the tribe, but he passed away very soon. He then went to live with his uncle, where he grew into a man who was noted for being of exceptional manners and excellent character.

Mecca was at the crossroads of several trade routes, so, like many people who lived in that region, Muhammad became a merchant, traveling to buy and sell goods. Since he had an excellent reputation as a hard and honest worker, he was employed by a wealthy businesswoman named Khadijah, who was known as the Queen of the Arabs because of her business empire and possibly because of her beauty, too. A woman in her time was herself property, inherited from father to son. Owning and running her own property, while maintaining a reputation as an upright and virtuous woman was a staggering feat. She was a smart, sophisticated woman who knew what she wanted and how to get it. When I read stories about her, I admire not only her dignity and grace, but also her determination and self-confidence.

She was impressed by Muhammad’s commercial acumen, and the profits he brought back to her business after leading trade caravans to other cities on her behalf. She was more impressed with the honesty and dignity with which he carried out his affairs. She knew that Muhammad had a reputation as
sadiq
, truthful, and
ameen
, trustworthy. She saw in him a worthy companion and partner, and made inquiries about him with regards to the possibility of marriage. She asked a relative if he would take her idea of marriage to Muhammad to see what he thought of it. Muhammad was delighted and accepted, also seeing in her a worthy companion and partner for himself. The marriage, by all accounts, was extremely strong and intimate, and even years after her death, Muhammad said that she was always the one for him and he would never forget her. No one could ever take her place.

The story of Khadijah’s proposal and subsequent marriage to Muhammad was often recounted as part of the discussion that Muslims had about the rights of women in Islam. The subject of women, their status, and their treatment was always a hot topic. It was often raised by the media and society around us, as well as by Muslim women themselves. How could we see the physical abuse, suffering, and torture of Muslim women around the world and not ask why this was happening? We didn’t believe it to be part of our faith, but how should we stop it? Muslim women across the world, whether in countries that had Muslim majorities or not, were investigating history and theology to find out for ourselves what our faith really said, and to empower ourselves with knowledge to fight our battles for change. To understand our heritage and the principles that underpinned our story as people of faith, we looked back at the individuals like Muhammad and Khadijah who had laid the foundations of Islam. You have to know where you’ve come from to know where you are going.

Khadijah was a woman who found a man she believed would make her ideal partner. It seemed that a similar process of arranging a marriage existed then as it did now—it had stood the test of time. But instead of waiting for the man to propose, Khadijah took the first step to approach this potential husband and sent a proposal to him herself through an envoy. This is hailed as very liberated and empowered by many Muslim men and women. I agreed with them, but I found myself asking, if this is such a wonderful thing for a Muslim woman to do, why is it considered so shameful for the girl’s family to approach the boy’s family to talk about marriage?

There was a twist to this story: Khadijah was thought to be older than Muhammad, though the age difference ranged from three to fifteen years. Again, this was held up in discussions about Muslim women to show that marriage was about finding the right qualities in a person rather than securing a good match on paper. I found myself wondering why, if the relationship at the very heart of the birth of Islam had a woman who was older than Muhammad, was there an unspoken yet rigid rule that the girl should be younger than the boy?

It was enough to get me thinking about the discrepancies between what people
say
is Islam and what Islam
actually
is.

Muslims like to dwell on how Islam gave rights to women long before similar rights were granted in other parts of the world, including Europe. Muhammad explained that women were equal in value to men, and that the best of men and women were those who worked hard to be good human beings. In this, he said clearly, men and women were no different. He laid out laws that gave rights to women to own their own property and not be forced to hand it over to their husbands. Women were not items of property that belonged to men, nor did their own property belong to men. European laws only accorded women this status hundreds, in some cases a thousand, years later.

Even though Islam had been pioneering in its time,
radical
, you could say, it had buried that vision under layers and layers of dense culture over time.

Muslims should just be honest with themselves
, I reflected.

It would be simpler to admit that the fundamental idea of equality had got blurred and to reignite it than to defend as Islamic those ideas that had crept in from culture over time. I found it worse still that some Muslims tried to stop Muslim women from raising these questions by calling them sellouts, and westernized feminists, as though these were dirty words.

But if we can see discrepancies, then it is our duty as thinking human beings to challenge them
, I thought.

The intimate bond between Khadijah and Muhammad lay at the heart of the new Muslim community, which slowly attracted people to the new ideas that Muhammad brought. Alongside his key message that there was no god but God, one unified single Divine being, he said something that was so simple that it was profoundly shattering: all human beings, regardless of age, gender, creed, race, or color, are totally equal. It was a remarkable statement for a society that was hierarchical and racist, and oppressed women. One of Muhammad’s closest friends was Bilal, a black African slave who was tortured for his beliefs as a Muslim. Another was Salman, who was originally from Persia. Both were taunted for their non-Arab origins, and looked down upon. Muhammad did not accept this racism and appointed Bilal to a position of status as the muezzin, the one who announces the call to prayer. He also gave Salman the title “the pure one” because he was so spiritual.