Love Inspired Suspense September 2015 #1 (54 page)

He'd protected himself, and he'd obeyed his father. But it was love for her that meant Jonah made the hard decision at an age when that was rare. As painful as it had been to go through, Elise knew now that he'd made the right decision. For both of them. They hadn't been ready for a relationship. She hadn't been. And yet it wasn't long after that she let Martin persuade her into exactly that.

Jonah squeezed her hand gently, then let go.

“Elise?”

She looked over at him. Was that love for her in his eyes?

“Will you tell me why you married Martin?”

SIXTEEN

S
he was up and off the couch before he realized. “I should get to bed. I have to get up and catch a tiger in the morning.”

Jonah knew she wasn't feeling good. It was barely nine and she likely did need sleep, but he felt like if they didn't talk about this now, the chance would slip from his fingers. “Don't go, Elise. Don't leave now. I feel we're finally getting somewhere.”

She looked...scared. Why, he didn't know. There was obviously something here that she didn't want to get out. “What do you want from me?”

She didn't want to know the answer to that. Jonah wasn't going to put that on her now, when she was hurt and exhausted. He was trying to give her some semblance of peace, since talking to his mother hadn't managed to do so.

Jonah stepped closer to her, just in case her fear got the better of her and she decided to run. Again.

When he had her attention, he said, “There's a reason why I've never married, Elise. There's a reason why I've never found anyone else.” He let that sink in. “When I left for the marines, I knew the next time I saw you that things would be completely different for us. What I didn't know was that it would take this long for that to happen.”

Elise was shaking her head even before he was done. “No, I don't believe you. I'm not the reason you've been alone all this time. I can't be. Don't put that on me, Jonah.”

“I'm not trying to load you with guilt, and I don't feel like I've been alone. That's not what I'm saying. My life has been full, with work and...” Okay, so there wasn't much else. But part of him felt like maybe he'd always been waiting for Elise. “I'm just really glad you're here now, and I don't want to lose you.”

Her face softened. “I don't want to lose you, either.”

“Then I need an answer to my question. Now.” He waited a second. “Did you love Martin?”

“Yes.”

Jonah flinched. He didn't want to betray his true feelings, but it was too late now. He'd already told her the truth of why he left for the marines. If she didn't feel the same way, he would deal with it. Eventually he'd figure out how to get over her, even though in nearly twenty years he hadn't managed it.

“But not in the way you think.” She bit her lip and looked down. “Martin...” She sighed. “He understood I didn't love him the way I should have. The way a wife should. He was rebelling. You'd left, and your mother was pressuring him to quit drinking, to quit partying. I think he figured that if he married me it would be the perfect comeuppance to her.”

“Why would you say yes to that?” Martin had used her?

She blew out a breath and looked at the window, where the blinds were closed against the night sky. “I didn't think of it like that. All I could think was that I'd get what I'd always wanted. Maybe not exactly what I imagined, but a facsimile of love, and family, at least. I would finally have everything I'd never had growing up. ”

She looked up at him, her chin raised, daring him to think badly of her. “I was selfish. Looks like I really was just out for the Rivers money, after all.”

“Elise—”

“Turns out your mom was right. My mom. Fix. The whole town. Even Martin knew the real reason we got married. He got to throw it in your mom's face when I moved in to the pool house with him, and I got to pretend I was the princess living large.”

“I don't believe you.”

“Well, it's true. You're the only one who didn't see it.”

“Tell me the truth.”

“I just did.” She screamed it, and Jonah flinched.

He shook his head. “You were a kid barely out of high school.”

“I was an adult.”

“That doesn't mean you were mature enough to make that decision. It's why I left. I knew you were too young, and so was I. We both had a lot of growing up to do, and I naively thought you would know. That you'd wait.”

“How was I supposed to know that's what you wanted me to do?”

Now, finally, they were getting somewhere. “That stung, didn't it?”

“You know it did.”

Jonah folded his arms across his chest, heavy with ache. “I didn't know you'd marry Martin.”

“I didn't know you would just leave me, and never look back!” Her face was red, her eyes filled with tears.

“So you just gave up, took the first offer that came along?”

“I had to.” She sucked in a breath. “It hurt too much.”

“Because I left you?” The ache in Jonah's chest got worse.

“Because you abandoned me to them. Suddenly I had no defense, no one on my side.”

“Except Martin.”

“He didn't feel the way you did, you know that.” She bit her trembling lip. “I was so scared. So alone.”

Jonah wanted to gather her in his arms, but he didn't. They had to finish this.

“I knew you'd forget about me and never come back. I knew you'd realize I wasn't worth it, so I married Martin. We were friends at least. But then he
died
. And the kicker is, it was better.”

“Being a single mom?”

“I had to rely on God. I had to be strong even though I was so scared, and I did it, Jonah. I did it, and Nathan thrived. I had to know I didn't need you or I'd have always relied on you, for everything. You'd have been my strength, instead of the Lord. It would have torn me apart to live like that, so wrapped up in you.”

She swiped the tears from her face. “It hurt. And it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but after Martin died, I knew I couldn't be that selfish kid anymore. I needed the space to find out who I was with no one to lean on. I had to know I could take care of Nathan on my own. That I could give and not always expect things to be handed to me. I know I'm not a good person, but now at least I know God loves me and so I can be better. In Him.”

Jonah stepped closer. “I loved you with a childish love a long time ago. Now you're grown. You're strong, you're a fantastic mom and a wonderful woman, and it's been a pleasure getting to know you now, Elise.”

She looked like she didn't know if she should be happy, or still upset. “But...”

Jonah smiled, touched both her cheeks and held her head in his hands. She was still so little, she brought out all the protective instincts he had inside him. The feelings he had for her now were so much more than before, in maturity and in strength.

“No buts. I just wanted you to know how much of a pleasure this has been. And I'm so sorry you've been hurt.” Multiple times, and he hated seeing her scared and knowing she was in danger. “I'm going to make this better for you, because I want us to have the chance to see what could be between us now.” He paused a beat. “And I need to know if that's what you want, too.”

Elise smiled, even while Jonah wiped tears from her cheeks with his thumbs. “I'd like the chance to see if this could work now.”

Jonah lowered his head, finally free to show her how he felt. She'd had enough words from him, and he'd been more open with her than with anyone in his life. But she was special, and she would forever hold that part of him.

When he was a hairbreadth from her lips, the doorbell rang.

Jonah groaned low in his throat and touched her forehead with his. “I'm sure they'll go away if we're quiet.”

He felt her shake with silent laughter.

He pressed a quick kiss to her forehead and went to answer the door.

* * *

Elise stood back while Jonah opened the door. Deputy Marshal Shelder strode in, a grocery sack swinging from her hand. “Special delivery.” Jonah grabbed the sack and rummaged in it before looking up at Hailey, incredulous. “A mullet wig?”

Elise burst out laughing. Jonah's head whipped around and he glared at her. She swallowed the humor and saw Hailey was also fighting it. Elise cleared her throat. “So when's the meeting?”

Hailey answered. “Tonight.” But Elise looked at Jonah.

“Seriously?” She was supposed to go to sleep while he went with Fix to catch the animal trader? “Were you planning on telling me this was happening tonight, or was I meant to just wake up tomorrow to find it all over?”

Jonah said, “I was going to tell you.”

“Really?” Her mind was spinning, especially after she'd finally admitted how totally selfish she'd been in assuming her chance with Jonah had been over and marrying his brother just to escape her life. Everyone had something they regretted, but hers was like the elephant in the room she couldn't ever escape. Especially not now she was back with Jonah.

Well, with—as in, they were in the same room. Not
with.

Now that the fog of anticipating his kiss had passed, all the old fears were resurfacing.

“I'm going to go change.”

He strode away down the hall, and Elise stood there feeling like a lemon. Did he think she shouldn't worry? That she wasn't scared for him? He was going into a dangerous situation, just like always. It was the choice he'd made, because he was the kind of man who put his life in danger to protect people. But that didn't mean she had to like it.

And it didn't mean she hadn't stayed up many nights over the years, worrying if he was okay. Praying he would be, even if she never saw him again.

The fact that they could be together now was little more than a dream, and everything she'd ever wanted. She knew she didn't deserve it, but everything she had was by the grace of God. Jonah's love wouldn't be any different.

“You okay?”

Elise shook off her thoughts and looked at Hailey. “Sure.”

“I didn't...interrupt anything, did I?”

Like Jonah's hands on her face? His lips touching her forehead.

“I did!” Hailey clapped.

Elise laughed. “Don't get ahead of yourself, okay? Things are far from established, but better than they were.” She glanced at the closed door to his bedroom. “We cleared the air some.”

Hailey had a knowing smile on her face. “I see that.”

And though she'd expected Jonah to dislike her for being such an awful person, he didn't. Sure, she tried to be better now. But that was yet more grace.

Jonah strode back out, and Elise burst out laughing. He'd smashed a beanie on the mullet wig, and his big frame was dwarfed by an even bigger lumberjack shirt so that he looked like a giant. The jeans were standard Western wear over scuffed brown boots.

He narrowed his eyes at her, a glint of humor there. “Don't even say it.”

Elise bit her lips together and shook her head.

“Okay, I'm ready.” He scratched under the wig and then stowed his phone and keys in his pocket. “Truck?”

Hailey motioned over her shoulder at the front door. “My dad's.” She tossed him a set of keys and he caught them in one move.

Elise's stomach lurched, jumping to sit as a lump in her throat. She didn't want to say goodbye, suddenly overwhelmed with wondering if he would come home or not.

Like his brother.

Her goodbye the last time she saw Martin hadn't been the stuff of fairy tales. Most military spouses probably shared an emotional goodbye. Theirs was stilted at best. Martin had been desperate to prove he was as much a man as his older brother. It had taken Elise a long time to swallow the fact that Martin had known she was in love with Jonah.

Especially considering his final words to her.

It isn't like you want me around, Lise.
He'd been at the front door of the pool house, looking back at her over his shoulder.
Maybe while I'm gone you'll discover you feel something for me, too.

That was when she'd realized Martin loved her the same way she loved Jonah. She'd successfully torn their family apart, and she was going to have to tell Jonah that, too. Eventually he would know the whole truth, and then she would have to put the strength of his feelings to the test. If she didn't walk away again. But what was the point in staying if he didn't love her enough to forgive her of that much?

She would understand completely if he couldn't.

Jonah stopped in front of her. “Get some rest. I'll see you in the morning.”

His eyes were serious, but the long hair was almost comical. Elise reached up and straightened the wig and wool hat, so the ends hung to the same length and were not lopsided.

Jonah grinned. “Thanks.”

“You're welcome.”

The humor didn't last. Standing with Jonah now, saying goodbye, Elise knew she'd been putting off the real reason she had wanted to come home. Now that she was back in town, she needed to visit Martin's grave. She needed to apologize for what she'd done to him, and for her responsibility for his death. To finally say sorry, and a proper goodbye.

Jonah grabbed her hand. He bowed his head and started to pray before she even realized that was what he was doing. His words were rusty, like praying was awkward, but she loved that he wanted to do it. She needed it so badly right now.

When he looked up again, Elise said, “Thank you.”

Hailey was still at the door, waiting for Jonah to leave so she could take up her station as Elise's protector for the night. Jonah hesitated, like he wasn't quite ready to go. He wasn't going to kiss her—as much as she might want him to—not while his teammate was in the room.

“I'll see you later?”

Elise nodded. “Be careful.”

The door shut, and he was gone. Elise sighed, glanced at Hailey and opened her mouth to say something.

The front door opened. Jonah strode back in, his gaze determined as he walked right up to her. Right into her space.

He pulled her into his arms and kissed her.