Love Lessons (22 page)

‘Oh, she's had second thoughts.'

‘Are you sure?' said Marianne. ‘We've been a bit cheeky, simply commandeering you and taking you totally for granted.'

‘I'm quite sure,' I said.

‘Well, that's good,' said Marianne. ‘Isn't it, Keith?'

Rax said nothing. I knew he was probably furious with me but I couldn't help it. He walked out of the room, ignoring both of us.

Marianne raised her eyebrows at me. ‘Take no notice. He's been a bit edgy all week. Oh well, I suppose I'd better show willing and get ready. I'd much sooner stay home and play hairdressers!'

She smiled at me. I watched myself in the mirror, smiling straight back at her. I felt so wicked. I waited for the mirror to crack, for the walls to close in on me, for the carpet to slide down into a dark pit, taking me with it.

I stayed sitting on Marianne's padded stool, the two of us smiling into the mirror, as if we were posing for our portrait.

I still felt wicked when Rax and Marianne had gone out.

I made a special fuss of the children, bending over Lily's cot, holding her little chubby fist while I sang to her. I had to struggle to set my fingers free after she'd fallen fast asleep.

Harry was in a surprisingly sweet clingy mode too. I read him my old copy of
Where the Wild Things Are
. He pretended to be a little frightened so he could sit on my lap and have a cuddle. I drew him a big, stripy, wickedly-clawed Wild Thing with his children's wax crayons.

Then I made up a new
Wild Things
story about a little boy called Harry who sailed to the land where the Wild Things are, only there was no one roaring or showing their claws this time. The Wild Things bowed low to King Harry and bought him lots of presents and lay on their backs so he could tickle their fat furry tummies.

‘Like this,' I said, upending Harry and tickling him.

I had to do it again and again, but he was getting sleepy now, rubbing his eyes. I began another story about the Wild Things in the dead of winter, when the snow came right up to their snouts and they all snuggled down in their cosy burrows.

‘Like this,' I said, tucking Harry under his duvet. ‘There you are, Baby Wild Thing. Shut your eyes and suck your claws.'

Harry giggled and sucked his fingers and fell asleep in seconds.

I stood there in the dark nursery, listening to the faint snuffle of the children sleeping. They were both treating me like their fairy godmother but I was worse than any wicked witch, intent on working my black magic on their father.

I crept into the main bedroom again and switched on the light. I looked in the mirror and a ghost image of Marianne peered back at me accusingly.

‘I'm sorry,' I whispered. ‘I wish you weren't so
nice
to me. I don't want to hurt you. I just can't help it. I love him so.'

I went to their double bed and buried my face in his pillow. I imagined him there beside me, his arms round me . . .

Then I heard a door, noises, Rax's voice!

I sat up, heart thudding, not sure whether I was still daydreaming. No, there really were voices downstairs! Oh God, how could they be back already? Had I fallen asleep? I leaped off the bed, plumping Rax's pillow, smoothing the daffodil-yellow duvet, racing across the carpet. As I came out of the door Marianne was coming up the stairs and she saw me.

She frowned. ‘Prue? What were you doing in our bedroom?'

‘Oh Marianne, I'm sorry. I just wanted to look in your mirror again, to see my new hairstyle and make-up,' I said.

‘Oh, I see! Yes, you look lovely.'

Poor Marianne looked
awful
, greasy and greeny-white.

‘I've been sick,' she said, seeing me staring. ‘Keith had to stop the car.'

‘You poor
thing
. Do you think you've got a bug or something?'

‘No, it's just the time of the month. It sometimes hits me like this. I'll be all right once I've had a good night's sleep. I was stupid to try to go out. Oh God, my
head
.' She leaned against the banisters, her eyes closed.

‘Would you like me to help you into bed?' I asked timidly.

‘No, no, I'll manage. Get Keith to give you your money, eh?'

‘But I haven't earned it.'

‘That's not your fault, love. Oh well, I'd better lie down or I'll
fall
down. See you next week then?'

‘I hope so,' I said.

She waved her fingers at me and then trudged into her bedroom, sighing. I heard the springs creak on her bed within seconds.

I went downstairs slowly, my mouth dry, my tummy tense. Rax was standing in the hallway, still in his jacket.

‘Marianne's gone to bed,' I said.

‘Yes. Right. I'll take you home then.'

‘All right.'

I followed him out of the front door, down the path, through the gate, into the car. I looked at Rax as he drove off.

‘Are you cross with me?' I asked, in a very small voice.

‘Yes,' he said.

I didn't dare say any more. We drove in silence. I tried to think of some way I could make everything all right again. This was our precious ten minutes together and it was ticking away. We were wasting it all.

The silence in the car was becoming unbearable. Rax seemed to think so too, because he reached out and switched on the radio. Loud pop music filled the car. Lyrics of lost love, broken promises, betrayals. Every line seemed to have significant meaning.

Rax stared straight ahead, frowning. He seemed to be concentrating hard on the traffic, although the back roads were nearly empty. We got to my street in just over five minutes. He drew up right outside the shop and switched off the engine. The love song stopped abruptly. The car was silent.

‘Right,' said Rax. ‘How much do we usually pay you then?'

‘I don't want any money,' I said.

‘Don't be silly. Let me pay you for a full night's babysitting. Here, take this.'

He took several notes from his wallet and thrust them at me.

‘No!'

‘Take it. It's a bit extra, to thank you for being such a good babysitter.'

‘Will you let me keep coming?'

‘No. I told you. This has got to stop. It's getting out of hand. I think Marianne senses something. That's maybe why she was ill.'

‘No it isn't! She
likes
me, Rax, she wants me to keep coming. It's just that you won't let me.'

‘Yes.' There was a very long pause. ‘Well. Off you go then.'

‘Is that it? You're not even going to say goodbye properly?'

‘For heaven's sake, Prue, you'll see me at school often enough.'

‘But it's different there. We can't talk properly. You're the teacher and I'm the pupil.'

‘We
are
teacher and pupil.'

‘What about if we weren't? If I didn't even go to Wentworth? How would you feel about me then?'

‘I'd feel exactly the same as I do now. You're a child of fourteen.'

‘The same age as Marianne when you started going out together. What if Marianne and I were both girls in your class at school? Would you like her best – or me?'

‘Will you
stop
this! You're distorting everything, playing silly games. Look, Prue, I don't want to hurt you, but you must understand. I'm your schoolteacher. We could both get into such huge trouble. I took an interest in you because you were new to the school and finding it hard going and I sympathized. I tried to help you and then I made the big mistake of asking you to babysit for me and now somehow it's all become too intense, too worrying. I feel so guilty, which is mad, because nothing's actually
happened
.'

‘It has now,' I said, and I reached over and kissed him on the lips.

I'd never kissed anyone properly before but I'd imagined it enough times and I'd practised how to do it on the inside of my arm. It was a timid, dry-lipped kiss – but it was a real kiss all the same.

‘For God's sake!' Rax said, trying to pull away.

I kissed him again, sliding my arms round his neck and holding him tight so that he couldn't pull away from me. After a few seconds he stopped trying. He kissed me back, deeply and passionately. I was so happy I didn't care about anything or anyone any more. I just wanted to freeze time and stay inside the car, kissing Rax for ever.

‘Prue, we're right outside your shop,' Rax said. ‘Your mother—'

‘She's not expecting me back for ages, you know that.'

But there were people coming out of the Chinese takeaway, looking in our direction.

‘Oh God,' said Rax. He started up the car and we drove off.

‘Where are we going?'

‘I don't know. Round the block. I just need to think what to do,' he said.

I kept quiet then, peering out at the dark streets. We circled the block, but Rax didn't stop. We drove on to the outskirts of the town. We were only a mile or so away from the hospital and my dad's stroke unit. I wondered what he would say if he knew his elder daughter was driving in the dark with her schoolteacher sweetheart.

We drove down a dark lane with fields on either side, and then Rax drew up beside a clump of trees.

‘Where are we?' I whispered.

‘Oh, this is just . . . somewhere I used to come,' Rax said. He was whispering too.

I wondered if it was somewhere he came with Marianne. I didn't want to ask. I didn't want him to think about her. I didn't want him to think about anyone but me.

I reached over to kiss him again.

‘No! No, listen, Prue, we've got to talk,' he said, trying to turn his head.

‘I don't want to talk. You'll just say sensible things and I won't want to listen. Let's just do this.'

I kissed him and he kissed me back. This time I couldn't even think what it was like, or wonder who he'd kissed before. There was no one else in the world. We were whirling in our own starlit space.

‘I love you,' I said breathlessly. ‘I love you, I love you, I love you.'

I waited.

‘Tell me you love me just a little tiny bit,' I begged.

‘Prue—'

‘Go on. You said it before, when you drove off that time. You said it then because you weren't sure I could see, and you could pretend it didn't really count. Say it now, Rax. Say it properly.'

‘I love you.'

‘Oh!'

‘But this is crazy. We're both mad. You're still so young.'

‘Shut
up
.'

‘And I'm married, I love my family, I don't want to do anything to hurt them. I don't want to do anything to hurt
you
. You're enjoying this now because it's so exciting and romantic and dangerous. It's the best game in all the world. It's
my
imaginary game too. Don't you think I haven't lain awake at night thinking about you, wishing we could be together, fantasizing all sorts of things.'

‘Really?'

‘Of course.'

‘Then why have you been trying to stop seeing me?'

‘Because there is no way we can ever be together. You know that, don't you?'

‘Maybe . . . maybe sometime—?'

‘It's not going to happen.'

‘But we love each other so much.'

‘You think you love me—'

‘I
do
!'

‘And next year you'll fall in love with another teacher, or maybe an artist, whoever – and then at art college you'll fall passionately for the scruffiest student—'

‘You really think I could go to art college?'

‘And then another student, and then another, and then
eventually
you'll meet the man of your dreams and you'll live with him and have his children and then one night you'll be kissing each other and he'll ask you about your past loves and you'll say, “Oh yes, I remember when I was fourteen. I fell in love with my art teacher,” and I bet you'll have a struggle to even remember my name.'

‘Will you always remember
my
name?'

‘Oh yes. There'll be no forgetting you, Prudence King.'

‘You haven't kissed any of the other girls at school?'

‘For God's sake, what do you think I am? Of course not.'

‘But you're glad now that you kissed me?'

‘I'm very happy, very unhappy, very confused,' he said. ‘I don't know what to do now.' He let out his breath in a long sigh. ‘I really don't know.'

I couldn't see his face properly in the dark. I felt it very gently with my fingers.