Love Letters to the Dead (31 page)

I brought them down to Hannah. “Here,” I said. “I thought you might need these. They’ll make you brave.”

She sat up in bed and stretched the elastic over her shoulders and smiled. “I love them.”

Yours,
Laurel

Dear Jim,

As we were getting ready for school this morning, Hannah put the wings on and announced, “I’m wearing these today.” And when we walked into the hall, she ignored everyone who stared at her.

I’d texted Natalie, and she agreed to meet us in the alley at lunch. Hannah had promised she’d talk to her. Hannah and I got there first, and when Natalie came up and leaned against the wall, the two of them just looked at each other for a long moment.

Finally Hannah broke the silence. “I do love you,” she said in a burst. “And I’m sorry. But it’s just scary. I’m not good at it. And I hate the way people talk. I don’t know if I want everyone to know, I mean, if I am ready to be together or something. But I promise that I’ll stop seeing other people.”

Natalie looked back at her. “Really?”

Hannah nodded, and then she went on quickly, as if her voice was trying to outrun the sob that wanted to break into it. “Something happened with Jason after that party. I mean, if you thought he was mad when he knew I was there with Kasey, you should have seen him after he found out about us in the bathroom. He was like, ‘That’s fine for dykes, but not my sister.’ I actually tried. I tried to stick up for us. He hit me. Anyway, he’s leaving sometime this summer.”

“What? He hit you?”

Hannah nodded. “Yeah. It’s okay. I mean, I’m okay.”

“It’s not okay. I hate him. I hate him so much. I hate anyone who hurts you. I love you.” Natalie rushed over and put her arms around Hannah. Hannah eventually let herself collapse into Natalie, her shoulder shaking as the tip of the fairy wing bumped against Natalie’s cheek.

Then Hannah reached her arm out in the direction of where I was standing. “Come on, Laurel, you can, too.” It was a joke-reference to when they used to tell me I could join in if they were making out. We all laughed as I went over to hug them both.

When we stopped hugging, I looked at them and asked, “What are we going to do?”

Natalie turned to Hannah and said, “Come live at my house for a little while. Until he’s gone. Will you?”

Hannah wiped the tears from her eyes and looked at Natalie nervously. “What will you tell your mom?”

“I’ll just tell her that you need somewhere to stay.”

“But what if she wants to know why? What if she wants to talk to my grandparents or something, or what if she finds out about Jason?”

“Someone has to find out, Han. He’s hurting you.”

“But what if I get sent away somewhere?”

“We won’t let that happen. No way I am losing you. My mom won’t want me to, either. She, um, she more or less knows about us now, because I more or less told her, after the party when I got super depressed. So you might have to stay in a separate room or something.” Then Natalie added, with a little smile, “But you know, there are always her date nights.”

Hannah laughed at this. Then she asked, “Are you sure it will be all right?”

“Yeah, I promise.”

So after school, we went to Natalie’s house to talk to her mom. Hannah kept wiping her palms on her dress, and her eyes were darting everywhere, but Natalie’s mom stayed calm the whole time, and eventually Hannah started to relax. Natalie’s mom said of course Hannah could stay there until Jason left for the Marines, or for as long as she needed. But she wanted to make sure that Hannah’s grandparents knew what was going on, and that Hannah understood that if necessary they could get a restraining order against Jason. She said that as long as Hannah was safe, she would respect her wishes about whether to report him, because she understood how complicated things could be. She said that the most important thing is that Hannah was taking steps to get herself out of a bad situation. And she told Hannah that she knew how hard it could be to do that, especially when you are afraid, and that she was proud of her. Natalie’s mom is a great mom.

She offered to talk to Hannah’s grandparents, but Hannah said that she thought it would be better if she was the one to do it. Of course none of us wanted to let her go alone, so Natalie and I drove with her on the highway toward the red dirt hills. We were hoping that by the time we got to her house, Jason would be on a workout. He usually goes late in the afternoon, Hannah said. But as Natalie pulled up to Hannah’s driveway and parked, Hannah didn’t want to get out.

“This is a bad idea,” she said, breathing fast.

“You can do it,” Natalie said. Then she got out of the car, and I followed, and finally Hannah did, too.

We went in, and after Hannah looked around to make sure Jason was gone, she knocked on her grandpa’s bedroom door. He opened it, looking like he was only half-awake. Hannah pointed to her cheek, but not a word came out. Her grandpa squinted at her, confused, until finally he saw it.

“Jason did it,” Hannah whispered.

“What?” he said, and turned up his hearing aid.

Hannah kept whispering, and her grandpa kept not hearing, until finally Hannah shouted, “Jason did it!”

Hannah’s grandpa shook his head at first, like he didn’t understand. “Was there an accident?”

Hannah just looked back at him, tears running down her cheeks. She said, loudly, “It’s okay. I’m going to stay at Natalie’s house for a while. Until it’s time for him to leave, okay? I don’t want you to worry.”

Her grandpa’s face turned pale, and he nodded, bewildered.

“Will you make sure to take care of Buddy and Earl? While I’m gone?”

Her grandpa promised that he would.

After Hannah said bye to him, we went to her room to help her pack. Natalie got to work, folding clothes really carefully into the suitcase. She put the shirts with the shirts and the jeans with the jeans and the soft pants with the soft pants and the lacy tops with the lacy skirts. And every time she found something fragile, like a perfume bottle, she rolled it up into something soft. Sometimes, the smallest gestures take up the most room.

When we were done, we carried Hannah’s suitcase out through the hall. That’s when Jason came in the front door. His eyes flashed from Hannah to Natalie and me.

“Where do you think you’re going?” he asked.

Hannah flinched. “I’m going to stay at Natalie’s house for a while.”

“Like hell you are. I told you not to see her,” he said, glaring at Natalie.

Hannah’s hands were shaking, but her voice steeled itself. “I am. And Natalie’s mom said that if you come anywhere near it, we will get a restraining order.”

Jason’s face turned a little bit pale. “Is that so?” He tried to sound angry, but there was a tinge of fear underneath his voice. “And on what fucking grounds would you do that?”

“On the grounds that you hit me!”

“Oh, come off it. It’s called discipline. Obviously no one else around here is taking care of that with you. Someone’s got to watch out.”

“No, it’s called abuse. You’re lucky I didn’t tell the cops.”

Jason stared at her, disbelieving.

“I know you’re pissed off at the world,” Hannah said, “but you can’t just go around yelling and being a jerk. And you can’t take it out on me anymore.”

“So you’re just taking off? Just like that?”

“Until you’re gone,” Hannah said. “And if you break a restraining order,” she added, “then it’s a crime, and I bet that will mess up your chances in the Marines.”

Jason’s voice wavered. “Have it your way. I’m going to shower.”

“I won’t see you before you go, then,” Hannah said, more softly now. “Good luck.”

They didn’t hug or touch or anything else. Jason just walked out of the room.

We carried Hannah’s stuff to the car, and she said, “Wait.” Natalie and I followed as she ran to the barn, the little fairy wings still on and flapping behind her, to see Buddy and Earl the donkey. When Buddy came over to greet her, Hannah nuzzled her face against his and kissed his nose. She said, “Don’t worry, Buddy, I’ll be back soon. I promise.” Then she wiped her tears away and turned to us. “Let’s go.”

In the car on the way back, I put on your album, the first one, and as you started shouting
Break on through
, we rolled down the windows and screamed along, and for a moment we forgot about everything that’s hard and just let ourselves feel what we wanted to, which was free.

Yours,
Laurel

Dear Kurt,

Things have gone sort of back to normal after last week. Hannah’s been staying with Natalie, and we’ve been eating at our table again, Natalie and Hannah trading Capri Suns, and me with my Nutter Butters. Instead of going off campus for lunch, Tristan and Kristen have sometimes been eating with us, too, because they are getting nostalgic about the end of high school, which is only three weeks away. Today was the first day that it was real shorts weather. I wore my cutoffs just above my fingertips that I made at the beginning of the year.

Since the night at the bridge, Sky and I have hung out a little bit at school. I’m not exactly sure what’s going on between us, but one good thing is that he’s not seeing Francesca anymore. And then today, I ran into him in the alley, and he asked me if I’d come over later. It was the first time he’d asked me to go to his house during normal hours. Unfortunately, it was an Aunt Amy night, and I had no idea how I’d get to go. I’ve been avoiding Mom entirely, so asking her to tell Aunt Amy to give me permission was out. And I didn’t feel like making up an elaborate lie. That left only one option—try telling Aunt Amy the truth. She’s been extra nice to me ever since I got upset that night, and I figured I had a shot.

When she picked me up after school, I asked her if we could go get French fries. On the way to Arby’s, I kept opening my mouth, and then closing it again. Finally, after we got through the drive-thru line, Aunt Amy turned to hand me the bag. I took a deep breath and said, “So, there’s this guy…”

She looked at me with a mixture of curiosity and concern.

“… who I like. His name is Sky. He was actually, well, he was my boyfriend for a while.” I waited to see if Aunt Amy would freak out.

Instead of pulling back onto the street, she parked in the lot. Then she asked, “Why didn’t you tell me that sooner?”

“I thought you’d be mad. I mean, it’s just that you never want me to do anything. You hardly let me spend the night at a friend’s house.”

Aunt Amy sighed. “I know that I’ve been a little bit strict with you. There are just so many dangers in this world, Laurel. I never want to see you suffer. Being a teenager was a really painful time for me. And I wanted to protect you from it. From all of it.”

When she said it like that, everything seemed different. She was the way she was not just because she believed in God and sin and all of that, but because she wanted to protect me, and suddenly, I felt thankful that she cared that much. “That’s really nice, Aunt Amy, but don’t you think everyone has to go through stuff?”

She paused a moment, and then she said, “I can’t stop you from growing up. But Laurel, you have to be careful … Of course I would recommend against a sexual relationship, certainly at your age, as would Our Lord, but I want you to know that if you do get into a situation where you—”

Oh no. A sex talk with Aunt Amy. I cut her off. “Right, well, we’re not. Having sex. I haven’t. We’re not even together anymore.” I ate a French fry and offered her the bag.

“What happened?” she asked. “Why did you break up?”

“It’s sort of a long story. Basically, I wasn’t really ready to be with him. There was a lot of stuff I still couldn’t say. And then I found out that he used to like May, which was awful, of course.”

Aunt Amy’s face melted with sympathy. “Yes,” she said, “I imagine that was really difficult.”

“Yeah. But on the other hand, he’s been a great friend, and I think I still like him, and I think he might like me again, too. And he asked me to come over tonight so that we could talk. So, do you think I could go?”

She looked torn. “Will a parent be home?”

“Yes,” I said. “His mom. She’s always there. And I promise not to be out late.”

Finally Aunt Amy said, “Okay.” Then she said, “I’m glad that you felt like you could talk to me.”