Love Made Me Do It (15 page)

But when the drugs started calling me I answered.  Then low and behold, my lover was always calling in on the other line.  And vice versa.   They had me.  Fuck… I should have just kept minding my business and staying away from his.  He invited me to come for a visit to Vegas.  Against my better judgment, I went.

I literally told a million lies just to get out of town, without anyone knowing where I was going and who I was going to see.  This was a rough way to live life.  But logic was never a friend of mine. 

Landing in Vegas had me overcome with emotions.  As soon as I spotted him in the airport, I ran straight to him.  This was an amazing feeling.  He was amazing.  How I managed to stay away from him this long was beyond me. 

I hugged and grabbed his hand and interlocked our fingers.  This was the shit I lived for.  This is who I lived for.  There was no concern as to what we were going to do or when.  I just knew that we had a lot of cash to burn and we could fuck until the sun came up.  There was no sneaking or any of that. 

I called home and let them know I had landed safely in “Reno,” and I would see them in a few days.  With my phone shut down, nobody was going to ruin this weekend.  As soon as he took my bags and I settled in, I gave him hundreds of dollars to get us some drugs.  My lover kissed me and said he would be back.  It had been almost six months since I had gotten high.  This was going to be wonderful. 

When he came back I was showered, naked, and wet.  He immediately set up the drugs.  Dividing it up so that we could each have our own blunt, then he set up the video camera and a tri pod.  It was definitely going down.  This was my type of party.  His touch woke my body up.  It made my soul tingle. 

Those drugs….Man those drugs had me wide open.  Down for whatever for him.  Never, ever against him. I never saw the famous Las Vegas strip that weekend.  But I did reconnect with my soul-mate.  We had become one. 

The next few weeks were hard for me.  I missed my lover so much it was ridiculous.  However we had a plan.  The plan was for me to come out there and start a new life.  We were going to get married and finally have a baby. So I carried on with life in California and saved up my money. 

Things at my grandma’s were okay.  The only thing I did was plot on how fast I could see and be with my lover.  Nothing else mattered.  Friendships shifted.  Irresponsibility kicked in. Absenteeism was prevalent. 

My next trip was by bus, all the way to Vegas.  That was not a good travel experience.  The bus broke down and my phone wasn’t working.  But I didn’t give a fuck.  I would walk to see him if I had too, and by the time I got to his door step.  3 hours past the original time… I had looked like I walked there.

This was my baby.  Even though my family thought that I was in “Lake Tahoe,” I was going to work on weaning him back into their good graces.  Right now we were working on us, we were figuring out how to get us right.  He had yet to get a job and I had been wiring him money left and right.  Life was good for me financially, probably because I wasn’t paying that many bills or using.  Same routine, I got settled in and gave him hundred dollar bills.  He went and got us some drugs.  I told him to get enough for the whole entire weekend.  So there would be no interruptions.  He did as he was told.  Every day was a slice of heaven. 

In the bed, all day with the love of my life nobody could give me better than this.  He came back with more than enough.  We rolled our separate blunts.  Crushed Crack, and a little Tabaco.  I smoked until my ears rang, and my crotch throbbed.  This stuff was so powerful that I didn’t care about anyone including myself. 

He shared the house with his older brother, who could not stand me.  But because his brother loved me there wasn’t shit he could do to get rid of me.  I loved that.  But yet in still I made friendly conversation with his family.  Even, with the ones who did not like me.  This was everybody.

His dear ole mama could no longer stand me.  But guess what?  I didn’t give a fuck.  He loved me, so until he said otherwise I wasn’t going anywhere.  We ordered in and kept to ourselves. 

The only disturbance was his brother saying that there was smoke coming out of our room.  We adjusted the towel under the door and went back to what we were doing.  Each other.  My grandma was getting re-married that weekend.  Everyone’s only concern was that I get back in time for the wedding.  I was part of the bridal party.

I cried so hard when he took me to the greyhound station, it was unbearable to let go.  Back, on the hot ass bus.  Away from my heart beat.  I had a lot to think about on this bus ride. 

How was I going to pick up my whole life and place it in Las Vegas?  How was I going to tell my family and friends?  Although, I was madly in love I needed to make this as strategic of a move as possible.  This was going to be next to impossible because things never went according to plan when my lover was involved.  

I went on with life, making sure that I was giving my lover most of my time as well as most of my money.  He was so slow to change and partly because I was an enabler.  I stifled some of his growth.  Every month was a different reason or excuse as to why he did not have any money, or needed more money.  I knew him all too well at this point. 

Hustler, con artist, cheater, and a womanizer, you name it…he mastered it.  Especially when it came to me, it was a cold world and yet I was the only one who ever needed a jacket.  Everyone else in the world was prepared but me.  My way of living was definitely hurting other areas of my life.

I could count on my lover for very few things, but I could definitely count on him to fuck things up.  Especially when everything was going so well between us, everything he did started to become a turn off.  He was not working.  He had no mode of transportation, he was selling candy bars for extra money, and he was smoking Crack. 

After settling back in at home and once again listening to what my grandmother was trying to teach me about life, love and possessing a decent work ethic.  I started to feel stupid.  I felt embarrassed and started having the mind-set that he was below me.  My lover was below me.  I felt bad for even thinking that.  But I think it may have been true. 

Even from Las Vegas, he was stressing me out.  So I put him on the back burner.  I was tired of sending money, the drunken calls, the belligerent texts and the whining.  He was a grown ass man.  He wasn’t acting like it.  Two children had no business being in any type of situation with one other.  So I said my goodbye’s and told him that I couldn’t do this anymore.  I stopped caring and I hung up the phone. 

While he was sleepless and sorry as fuck in Las Vegas. I was doing everything that was needed of me in order to show my family that things had changed for me.  I was not using as much drugs as I was when I was with or around him.  But I wasn’t squeaky clean either.  The only difference between a Coke habit and a Crack habit is that one is a little, tiny bit more manageable. 

Both are bad news.  Both can have you on the news…  So I dibbled and dabbled, a few lines here, and there with old friends.  I put the jack rabbit back up on deck and that was life.  I had sex pretty regular although his “small” ways were more than likely to be a disappointment.  I rocked with him.  I loved the jack rabbit, and I’m sure that he loved me right back. 

However, the jack rabbit was grimy and could not be trusted.  He was in the life and I was never ready for that life style.  It only sounded good in a rap song.  But… could I really live that life?  I knew that I couldn’t but I tried anyway.  I stayed down.  I didn’t ask too many questions.  I deposited bogus checks.  I answered all the calls that came from him.  I played another stupid role, with a stupid dude.  I was stupid.  Men had that effect on me. 

They used to have that effect on my mama.  She broke her cycle. I had to break mine.

CHAPTER 25

SURPRISES

He surprised me by showing up in California, he as in my lover. He sounded like he was in the car so I asked him.  “Where are you?”  He said “I’m on 580.”  I was thinking to myself CALIFORNIA?  What in the fuck was he doing here?  He said he wanted to see me too.  I wasn’t prepared to see him but he was my lover.  So to some extent I would always be ready for him and how he needed me. 

Thru the fights, the funk, the love, the breaking up, the making up and fucking each other’s friends….we were holding onto this unhealthy love.  Love was making us do it, once again.  So I got all pretty and was ready to see him. I was ready to let go and more so I was ready to get high.

I knew that hadn’t changed.  Drugs were now a part of who we had become.  I felt that I was strong enough to weather any storm that he may bring.  Along with any questions he may have in regards to what I had been doing and who I was doing it with.

I remember driving down 680 with the anticipation of seeing the one who held my heart.  We met in Fremont.  I parked my car and jumped in his truck.  We drove along the hills in the Sunal Grade and passed a blunt back and forth.  It had been a minute since I smoked anything.  I had been snorting Cocaine here and there but that didn’t give me the rush that this did.  Or maybe it was him that gave me the rush. 

Usher’s confession was playing and I positioned myself in the car so that I had my legs on the dash board.  He couldn’t keep his eyes off of me and I matched his stare.  No matter how long it had been, he had the capability to mesmerize me.

I felt a little woozy after I hit that blunt.   This is how it was with my body and those damn drugs.  I should have just said no.  Those drugs and him would be the death of me.  If I let them.

We talked. I asked him what he was doing here and told him next time don’t sneak up on me. I don’t like that shit.  He laughed and so did I.  There was no point in that statement.  He only said that he had a court date out here and that he was here to handle some other business.  So I sat back and enjoyed the rest of the blunt and the ride. 

I was so nervous that he was in town.  I needed to make adjustments and I needed to make them quick.  I was seeing the jack rabbit and I needed to make sure that he didn’t come along unannounced.  I also had a bouquet of 2 dozen roses at my house that I would need to move out of eye sight. Just in case my lover decided to come over. 

He looked so good and smelled even better.  This would be the night that would change my life.  After he dropped me off to my car I couldn’t stop thinking about him.  I wanted him now, more than ever.  Those few trips that I made to Vegas to see him, didn’t serve the complete purpose.  I needed him.  All of him. 

The next night I told him to come over and spend the night with me and bring plenty to smoke.  That whole day at work, I couldn’t think of anything but him.  He was taking over my whole thought pattern.  I was drawn to him like rays to the Sun.

I couldn’t wait another second for him to make love to me.  To take me places that other men could never take me.  Willingly he did so.  We spent the night at my house.  We were sprawled across each other.  This felt so right but I knew that it was so wrong.  It became increasingly hard to concentrate at work, due to my reintroduction to the drugs and to him. 

So I made it simple on myself.  I took a few days off of work so that I could chill with him, make love to him and intoxicate his whole entire body.  He was due to go back to Vegas after his court date.  So our time was limited and I wanted to give him as much attention as I could.  Before, I had to go back to work. 

He never went to court, even though he insinuated that he was.  He asked could use my phone for that day.  He had to pay his phone bill; he would see me after work.  Reluctantly, I gave him my cell phone.  As soon as I got to work I called anyone and everyone who I thought may call or text me that day.  I told them not to contact me.

I kept calling him that whole day, checking on him and my phone.  I cared more about him looking thru my phone, than his legal issues. The last time I called to check on him, is when he told me that he was too scared to go to court.  So he didn’t.  I tried to console him and give him justifications of why that was okay.  It really wasn’t though, it was dumb and irresponsible and I had left that life behind.

But as we know by now there are no rules when it comes to my lover.  We do what feels natural.  Natural felt so right, so how could it be wrong?  I was getting sick again, and I didn’t know if I was willing to throw another good job away for the sake of a love, that could never be guaranteed.  I was so tired of learning hard lessons.  But obviously not tired enough. 

All of a sudden I stopped showing up for a job where I was the manager.  They said I self-terminated.  I was caught once again in a drug fog that would not allow me to see anything past, chasing a high. 

According to research a Crack Cocaine high only last (4) seconds and you keep getting high.  Trying to achieve the first high you’ve ever had.  You will never even get close.  So here I am for the umpteenth time, no job, strung out on love and drugs.  This was a deadly combination.  Honestly, I didn’t know if I would survive this go round.