Love Me If You Dare (Safe Haven) (6 page)

My
heart throbbed.

“Kaylee,
I understand.” His voice was dark and layered with something that didn’t belong
in this game of heat and desire.

Something
kind. Something in as much pain as I was in.

I
didn’t respond. No matter how close he and Ella had been—and I found that I
didn’t really want to dwell on that fact—no one who wasn’t a twin could
understand a loss like mine.

I’d
shared a womb with my sister. We hadn’t been formed from the same egg, like
identical twins were, but still we’d been connected in a way I didn’t imagine
we could have been otherwise.

With
her gone, it felt like a chunk of my soul had withered up and blown away in the
wind. And if I hadn’t given in to my desire for the boy who belonged to my
sister, I would have been there to keep her here, where she was supposed to be.

As
if he’d read my thoughts, Dylan slowly moved one hand from where it had been playing
with my fingers, to take hold of my chin.

I
had no choice but to look up into those eyes. I wasn’t sure how I felt about
all of things that I saw there.

“You
can’t blame yourself.” His words were so quiet that I could barely make them
out over the loud thump of the music.

“You
did.” I fired back. To his credit, only the briefest hint of emotion flickered
over his face before he smoothed it back into that inscrutable expression.

“I
never blamed you, Kaylee.”

I
remembered the accusing look in his eyes as the lights of an ambulance washed
red light over our skin. Remembered the way he’d sworn as he stood over us, the
Sawyer girls.

In
that moment I’d known that, if one of us had had to die, he wished it would
have been me. I didn’t understand what role I played for him, why he’d asked me
out despite his friendship with Ella.

But
right then, I’d known who it was he cared about. And with my heart already
dying along with my sister, I’d crumbled, innocent Kaylee disappearing along
with my sister’s soul.

“Not
your fault.” He bit out, seeing that I needed to be convinced.

I
blanched. He was trying to make me feel better, why, I didn’t know.

I
wanted him. I couldn’t deny it. But those words that hadn’t been said as my
sister lay lifeless between us had erected a barrier that had driven me across
the country and had kept him from following.

“That’s
a conversation for another time.” Rough, sexy Dylan was back, and the intimate,
vulnerable crack in his toughness sealed back up without any evidence that it
had ever existed.

I
curled my fingers where they still rested on his chest, letting the nails bite
into his flesh just a bit. I wanted to let him know that I was okay with
letting it go for now, but that we
would
finish this conversation later.

“What
would you like to talk about, then?” There was some kind of demon inside of me,
some kind of demon that didn’t care whose fault it was, if only it meant I
could have him.

Shocked
at the brazenness of the flirtation in my voice, the tone I’d tried so hard to
keep under control.

Heat
sparked in his eyes, and his grip on my chin tightened, just a bit.

It
sent a thrill of excitement rocketing through me.

“I’d
like,” he started, staring right into my eyes, never missing a beat, “to talk
about what we’re going to do about this thing between us. And don’t say ignore
it,” he warned, giving my chin another small squeeze

I
pulled back against the touch, though I didn’t really want to. It was more
about making a statement.

“That’s
what we should do. Ignore it, I mean.” But how was I supposed to ignore the guy
who acted all tough, then bought me licorice? The guy whose kiss had lit sparks
inside of me once, the man who set me on flame now?

“Ignoring
it won’t make it go away,” he whispered. I searched his face for signs of
something, anything that said he was just trying to get in my pants, trying to
exact some form of twisted revenge for Ella.

There
wasn’t anything there. I’d known there wouldn’t be. Even back in his
hell-raising days, Dylan had never been the type to lead a girl on. He’d broken
plenty of hearts, certainly, but he’d always been upfront at the start of any
liaison about what he wanted, which was nothing serious.

“Have
dinner with me.” He leaned in until the sight of him, the smell, overwhelmed my
senses. Closing my eyes, I inhaled that scent, trying to burn it into my
memory.

When
he was this close to me, when I could feel the heat of his skin warming the
thin ribbon of space between us, it was impossible to remember what stood between
us.

“That’s
not a good idea, Dylan.” I forced myself to look up into his eyes, which were
narrowed with determination.

“Dinner,
Kaylee. You have to eat,” he said. I knew I should have been mad at how hard he
was pushing—with any other guy I would have been.

All
I wanted to do was agree with him. To do whatever he wanted me to.

“Just
dinner,” I finally said, running the tip of my tongue over suddenly dry lips. I
knew I’d regret it, but in the moment I could convince myself that a simple
meal couldn’t harm anyone.

“Just
dinner,” he agreed, and disappointment warred with relief inside of me.

Then
he stepped back, ran his stare over the length of my body in a way that told me
exactly what he wanted besides dinner. Under his stare I felt my nipples pucker
and heat pool between my legs.

He
smiled, the bastard, so sure of the effect he had on me. I glared, ready to
tell him off, but his final words shocked me into silence.

“Just
dinner... for now.”

A
t
school I’d gotten used to eating dinner sometime in the hours between seven and
nine o’clock. I hadn’t heard from Dylan all day, and was working myself into a
fully blown tantrum when he showed up at the door of the house at six the next
night.

“I’m
not ready,” I informed him, irked that he hadn’t bothered to give me any
details. “I didn’t think you were showing up, since I didn’t hear from you all
day.”

“I
said I’d take you for dinner,” he answered, his voice mild, his hands stuffed
in the pockets of jeans worn to tantalizing thinness. “Here I am.”

“You’re
not usually rude,” I continued, anger levelling the sense of unbalance that I
usually felt just being around him. “And not giving me any details about
tonight was rude.”

“I’m
sorry if you see it that way.” He looked me over with that way he had, the one
that made me feel like I wasn’t wearing any clothes. “I wasn’t trying to be
rude. I was trying to keep you off balance so you wouldn’t cancel on me.”

I
opened my mouth to yell, then closed it again.

Damn
it. Was I so transparent? Then again, I hadn’t exactly been shy in telling him
my thoughts on us.

Us,
together.

“Sorry,”
I mumbled, looking down at my bare feet. I’d removed the chipped green polish,
and impeccable blue sparkles shone in its place. “But I’m still not ready.”

“You
look perfect.” With that little touch that I was coming to associate with him,
that press of his hand on my chin, he tilted my head up so that I had to look
right at him.

I’d
been so grumpy, I hadn’t even bothered with makeup, and I squirmed under the
intensity of his star. Flushing, I looked down at my outfit. I was wearing old
jeans with the knees worn out and a ribbed white tank top through which my hot
pink bra was entirely visible, something his smirk told me he hadn’t missed.

“You
look hot, Kaylee. I’d do you.” His words had swung from that hint of tenderness
to light and a bit abrasive, and I knew he’d done it on purpose.

I
felt safer with a Dylan who didn’t seem able to look right inside of me. I
wouldn’t let myself dwell on the fact that he understood that.

“So
that’s the real reason behind dinner, then? So you can sexually harass me?” I
smirked at him, then turned to slide my feet into a pair of pink flip flops. I
closed the door behind me, not bothering to lock it.

Maddy
had gone to hang out the teddy bear guy she’d been flirting with at Jax’s shop,
and Serena was off to do yoga beside the lake. They didn’t have keys. My mom
was already at the bar, and I was pretty sure that she didn’t have one either.

“I
thought that was obvious.” As I made my way down the porch steps Dylan turned
to give me that smile that had haunted my dreams for the last few years. As I
fell into step beside him our fingers brushed, and a jolt of something as
powerful and stunning as a bolt of electricity shot through me, making me jump
back.

To
his credit, Dylan didn’t smirk. Instead he eyed me for a long moment, whatever
he was thinking hiding in the depths of those eyes.

I
knew what I was thinking—what I was wondering. What did he see, when he looked
at me? The girl I’d been? Or who I was now?

“Is
Twin Peaks okay?” he asked, tucking his hands into his pockets. I was both
relieved and disappointed that he had removed the point of potential contact.

“Yeah.”
I swallowed down the urge to make a crack about the name. Only outsiders did
that, and though I’d spent so much effort and energy trying to distance myself
from Fish Lake, I found that I didn’t want Dylan to think of me that way.  “Not
like there’s a lot of choice.”

He
chuckled in response. In addition to the diner, Fish Lake boasted a sandwich
shop, a tiny outlet of a fast food franchise, and a Chinese food place that the
health inspectors shut down approximately once a year.

Twin
Peaks was the best bet.

“I
thought about having you over and cooking for you.”

From
the corner of my eyes I saw him watching me steadily.

“You
can cook?” My pulse jumped at the thought if being in Dylan’s home, amongst his
things.

And
oh, that was so stalker-ish.

“I
can do lots of things.” He said smugly. I turned fully to face him, and saw in
his expression just what some of those things were.

I
flushed and ignored him.

“I
can’t cook at all. Well, I can heat up stuff like nobody’s business. If that
counts. And at school that usually means ramen noodles on a hot plate.” Having
reached the cafe, I allowed Dylan to hold the door open for me before stepping
into the interior of the diner, where the steamy air was scented with the
aromas of French fries and apple pie.

“Hard
to beat that tasty treat.” Dylan said wryly as he followed me into the diner.
“I was going to say I’ve scrimped and saved so order whatever you want, but
maybe we’ll just have to see if they’ve got any ramen in the back.”

I
laughed, the sound escaping me before I could help it. Dylan had never struck
me as the kind to joke around, had always seemed too dark and serious for that.

I
found I liked it, nearly as much as I liked what he’d said. He was poking fun
at the fact that nothing on the diner’s menu was over four dollars, but it made
me feel like we were... maybe... on a date.

It
wasn’t. I was the one who wouldn’t let it be. But I hugged the sensation to me
all the same.

I
followed Dylan into a booth at the back of the diner, the vinyl of the bench
seat pulling at the skin that was revealed by a rip in the back of my jeans.
For a moment I wondered why he’d chosen to sit in the very back corner of the
diner. Did he think people might judge him for spending time with the Kaylee
twin when he’d once been so close to the Ella one?

I
snuck a peek at him through the fringe of my eyelashes. Though all accounts
pointed to the fact that he’d changed his rebellious ways, he still looked like
a badass. The way his face set sternly when he wasn’t actively doing anything
else. The small smirk that tugged on the corners of his lips from time to time.
The attitude that he still wore like a shield.

I
didn’t think that Dylan McKay gave a shit about what other people thought of
him.

I
wished I felt the same way.

“So
why didn’t you tell me about your new job?” I asked as we perused the menus, then
ordered. I stirred my straw through my cola. I’d considered ordering something
with vodka, to help me relax, but remembering how he’d cornered me at the shop
after I’d had a few beers told me that I needed my wits around me when dealing
with him.

Dylan
raised an eyebrow before sipping at his tea. I’d had to fight the urge to
snicker when the guy who looked most at home slugging back a beer ordered a pot
of orange pekoe.

“Why
haven’t you told me what you’re planning to do in school, even if you haven’t declared
it?” He didn’t ask me where I’d heard about his job. If Jax hadn’t told me,
someone would have—Fish Lake was just that small.

I
bit my lip and rattled the ice in my glass. He had a point, not that I cared to
admit it.

“Because
I don’t know.” I inhaled deeply and spat out the words. I knew it was strange,
going from being so set on one path to not having a clue, but it was the truth.

How
in the hell was I supposed to decide on my future when I didn’t even know who I
was anymore?

I
looked down at the nails that I’d repainted a smooth burgundy color. I felt
defensive, somehow, even though Dylan hadn’t said anything.

“Aren’t
you going into your senior year?” he asked finally. I sank my teeth into my
tongue until I tasted blood.

I
nodded jerkily, irritation rising, though I knew damn well that he had a point.

“Jesus,
Kaylee.”

I
finally looked up to find him frowning at me. I could feel my hackles rising.

“What?”
I was angry. What I did in school, what I didn’t do—it was none of his damn
business. “Not that it’s any of your business.”

“It’s
my business when you do something stupid in a misguided attempt to keep Ella
alive.” Laying his palms flat on the table, he looked me right in the eye.
“That’s what you’re doing, isn’t it? Because this isn’t you.”

Feeling
as though I’d been sucker punched, I started to stand.

“You
don’t have any idea what’s me and what isn’t.” My voice was quiet.
And isn’t
this what you want? Ella, or someone just like her?

Frozen
like that, we stared at each other, anger poisonous darts that shot between us.
Finally Dylan looked away, breaking the spell, and I shuddered in the sudden
absence of tension.

“Can
I just ask one thing?” He said, pushing his mug away.

I
nodded hesitantly.

“Why
did you give it up? It was your dream.” The judgement was gone from his voice;
in its place was genuine puzzlement.

“You
know why.” I’d intended to snap at him, but my words came out as barely more
than a whisper. “And it’s not my dream anymore.”

I
could feel his eyes on me, but I focused on the table. After a long pause,
during which my burger and his steak sandwich were delivered, he spoke again.

“Probably
some of the same reason I cleaned up my act a bit.” He drummed his fingers on
the table, and I fixed my eyes on the small movement.

“Oh,
yeah?” Memories came crashing down, and I blinked against a sudden sharp sting
at the back of my nasal cavity.

“Yeah.
I had this revelation, I guess you could say. That life was too short to be a
fuckup.”

I
looked up at him then, my eyes narrowed with interest.

“You
weren’t a fuckup.” My voice was incredulous. He’d been like a god in the small
town. Everyone wanted him or wanted to be like him, him and Jax and Nick.

And
Ella, of course. Though she hadn’t hooked up with them until her teens, she’d
rounded out their quartet.

Dylan
snorted, a sound both inelegant and sexy.

“I
was a troublemaker, Kaylee. I threw my money away on booze and pot. I didn’t
care about anything except a good time.” Watching my face intently, he
continued. “I sure didn’t know how to treat a girl. I thought that by being up
front about the fact that I didn’t want anything serious would be enough. It
wasn’t.”

My
nerves screamed. Before that one night we’d had, he hadn’t said those words to
me. Did that mean that I was more special, or less?

And
how did I compare to my sister, in his eyes? More special, or less?

“This
is so fucked up.” I think I caught him off guard, because he blinked once
before letting loose with a roar of laughter.

“Can’t
say you’re wrong.” Lifting his tea, he took a long swallow, and I watched the
muscles in his throat work, mesmerized by the sight.

“So
no school in the works for you?” I couldn’t resist poking at this a bit more.
He’d always struck me as smart, someone who understood things without really
having to try.

But
he’d never been much of a student.

“School
is hard for me. Not that I’m an idiot or anything.” He eyed me as though
gauging my response.

I
waited, patient.

“I’m
dyslexic,” he said finally. I tried my best to keep my expression steady,
though I was super surprised.

“Ella
never told me that.” Not that Ella had told me everything about the two of
them. But she’d talked about Dylan often enough that I thought she would have
mentioned something so major.

“Ella
didn’t know.” He pinned me with that intense stare before busying himself with
his dinner again. I felt my lips part with surprise.

Surprise
and, I was ashamed to say, a pure golden surge of pleasure.

“So
why firefighting?” I knew I was being nosy, but I couldn’t seem to help myself.
The entire evening felt like a dream, once that I couldn’t be sure would be
repeated.

I
had the opportunity, and I wanted to find out as much as I could about this man
who had haunted my thoughts since the very first time I’d laid eyes on him.

“I
like being outside. I like using my body.” His smirk dared me to comment. I
blushed and looked down at my napkin.

“I
felt like it was something that could help, you know? Could make a difference.”

I
nodded, though I hadn’t come to such an understanding myself yet.

“And
the adrenaline rush of rapelling out of a helicopter hovering over an inferno
helps channel some of the urges that had me doing stupid shit when I was
younger.” His words held a strange kind of finality in them, and I felt my eyes
drawn to his face. For a long moment we just sat there, staring at each other,
my pulse tripping faster and faster until I was certain that everyone in the
diner would be able to hear it.

“Is...
did you get your tattoo because of your job?” My throat was dry, but I couldn’t
bring myself to move and interrupt the intensity of the moment.

“Partially.”
Not breaking eye contact, he shoved the sleeve of his T-shirt up so that his
entire tattoo was visible.

My
fingers itched to trace over the inky lines.

“It’s
a firebird. Better known as a phoenix.” He watched me as my eyes devoured his
tattoo, his skin.

Him.

“I
got it partially because of the job. But more than that...”

I
held my breath and waited.

“More
than that... it’s a symbol. In mythology, the firebird would burst into flames
and be reduced to ashes. But then from the ashes he would be born again.”

My
breath hitched. I understood. Oh, I understood exactly what he was getting at.
It was what I’d been trying to do by moving so far away, by trying so hard to
change myself, though since I’d come back here I knew that I hadn’t transformed
nearly as much as I’d thought.