Love Me? The Trust Me? Trilogy (32 page)

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you at the time, and Aiden has no idea, but Alistair pulled me off the ladder when I fell and lost the baby."

"Why the hell didn't you tell me? We're best friends; we're supposed to tell each other everything. I'd have helped you get through it."

"I didn't tell you because you'd tell Chris and then he'd tell Aiden. I couldn't risk Aiden finding out; it would end his relationship with his father."

"You should've trusted me. I know trust is a big thing with you, but I've know you for most of my life. If you didn't want Chris to know I wouldn't have told him. Chicks before dicks remember."

"All I can say is I'm sorry. I really don't know how I'm going to get past this fear I have. I mean Alistair turned out like his father, so why wouldn't Aiden turn out like his?"

"I don't think he's anything like Alistair, nothing like him at all. I'm a little confused as to why you would think that."

I sigh. She isn't getting it. "Sarah, I don't think I can do this anymore, pretend that his angry side doesn't exist. I mean look at him. His knuckles are grazed, and his eyebrow is cut. He obviously bashed Jason severely for his knuckles to look like that. How do I know he won't get angry and bash me like Jason did?"

Sarah looks at me closely. "Jeni, listen, Aiden would never hurt you. He loves you too much."

"Jason said he loved me and look what he did," I rebut.

Sarah sighs. "Maybe take a few days to think about it. Don't make any irrational decisions yet. You've been through something traumatic, and you may not be thinking straight."

I look at her in disgust. "Sarah, I'm thinking the clearest I have in months."

"Please talk this through with him before you decide on what you want to do. It's only fair that he knows how you're feeling."

I sigh.

"You're like the sister I never had, and I'm worried about you."

"I know, but don't worry. I'm fine. Only a little bruised."

"But what about the way you're reacting with men?"

"What do you mean?"

"It's like you're scared of them, first with the male nurse and then Aiden—"

"I was bashed by my ex-boyfriend. I think I have the right to be a little ... uneasy around men."

Sarah looks at me sympathetically. "I'm worried, that's all."

"I know."

"Look, Aiden is outside. Do you want me to tell him to come in? I can stay if you need me."

"Oh my god, Sarah, have you not listened to a word I've said? I don't want to see him. I don't want him near me. I don't want ... him,
" I yell.

"But Jeni—"

"No, no buts, Sez. You don't understand ... just leave."

"Jeni?"

"Go!"
I yell.

She puts her hands up in defeat and leaves. I start to cry when she walks out of the room. Why won't anyone listen to me? Can't they see that we aren't going to work? My tears flow freely as I curl myself into a ball and cry endlessly into my pillow.

A nurse comes in and sees the mess I'm in.

"What's wrong, Jenifer? Are you in pain?"

I shake my head.

"Then what's wrong, sweetheart?"

I can't say anything because I'm sobbing uncontrollably. She brings a chair over next to my bed and sits down beside me. She takes my hand and holds on to it strongly. "Let it all out, sweetheart. You've been through something horrific, and you've every right to cry. I'm here, and I won't go until you tell me too."

"Thank you," I mumble through my sobs.

I continue to cry into the afternoon. It feels good to let all my emotions out; the nurse doesn't leave my side and continues to hold my hand. Eventually my crying subsides as my dinner is brought into my room.

"I think you should try to eat something," the nurse says to me calmly. She brings the table across so it's over me and I sit up in the bed, wincing at the pain in my stomach. She lifts the cover off the plate to reveal shepherd's pie. It instantly reminds me of Nana, and I start to feel an overwhelming sense of grief for the family I'll lose if I leave Aiden. The nurse senses my shift in mood again so she sits back down next to my bed.

"You know, everyone is worried about you. Maybe you should let some of them come in to see you, but only if you're ready of course," she says, treading carefully. "Now eat your dinner. You need to keep up your strength."

I pick up a fork and start to eat the lukewarm pie.

"That's a good girl." She leans back into her chair as I put another piece into my mouth.

"How are you feeling now?"

"Better. Thank you for staying. It helped. What time does your shift finish?"

"Never mind that. I'm here as long as you need me, Jenifer."

I know I can't keep her for much longer. She's been in here for hours.

Another nurse comes in and sees my nurse sitting next to me. "Sandy, your shift ended about ..." She looks at her watch. "Four hours ago."

I almost choke on some of my pie as Sandy looks at the new nurse, her brows furrowed.

"Oh my god, Sandy, I'm so sorry," I say, feeling completely guilty.

She takes my hand. "You needed me, and I won't go anywhere until you tell me to, remember?"

"Go, go. Don't stay here when you could be at home. Thank you so much for your help and support, but I'm fine now, I'm sure ..." I look at the new nurse.

"Gwen."

"I'm sure Gwen will help me if I need it. Please I feel horrible. You should be at home with your family, Sandy, not here with some nut job like me."

"Jenifer, you're not a nut job. Like I said before, you've been through something horrific, and it's okay to be a little confused and scared at the world, and as for family, my patients are my family, so I'm right where I need to be."

I realize that I think she needs me as much as I need her. I concede and let her stay. Gwen walks out of the room and leaves me with my new friend.

I finish my dinner and move on to my Jell-O dessert. It's hard and lacks flavor, but I eat it anyway. I look up and see Mom standing in the doorway, smiling at me.

"Hi, Mom."

"Hi, sweetheart, you look a bit better."

Sandy stands up and walks to the other side of my bed, letting Mom sit in her chair.

"Thank you," Mom says to Sandy.

"I do feel a bit better, thanks, Mom. Sandy has been helping me today." I turn my attention back to Mom.

"I was talking to the doctor, and he said you might be able to go home tomorrow."

I frown when I realize my home is with Aiden. I take in a deep breath. Mom watches me carefully.

"Sweetheart, don't you want to go home?"

I smile a fake smile as I remember Sarah's words.
"Maybe take a few days to think about it. Don't make any irrational decisions yet."
I realize that if I go home, I'm agreeing to go back to the apartment, with him.

"Do you want me to tell Aiden to come in?" Mom asks, obviously trying to get me to falter in my decision to not let him enter.

My whole body tenses.

"Perhaps he should wait a little longer. She's had a very rough day, and I think maybe she needs some rest now," Sandy says, sensing my angst.

Mom looks at her and frowns.

"He's still out there waiting for you to call him in. He looks terrible, and all he wants is to see you."

I feel bad, but I don't waver. My mind's made up.

"I'm tired. Maybe I should get some rest," I say as Sandy takes my hand.

Mom frowns at me but kisses my forehead.

"Know that I love you, he loves you, we all love you, and we want you back and fighting fit to the fun-loving Jeni that we all know and adore."

I swallow a lump in my throat and sigh. "I love you too."

Mom leaves the room and Sandy takes my hand and holds it tightly. "Is there a reason you don't want to see him?"

I nod.

"Is it because he's male?"

I shake my head.

"Has he ever hurt you?"

I sigh. I feel like I trust her. It seems she knows what I'm going through.

"Not intentionally. He was a bit rough and angry during sex this one time."

"So you think he could get rough and angry with you again? Jenifer, I think one time is not enough to break off your relationship with him. There must be more to it than that?"

"His father ... he's arrogant and a complete asshole. I hate him, and I'm scared Aiden is going to turn out to be like him."

"And is his father aggressive?"

I nod.

"You know, not everyone turns out like their parents."

"I know, but I hate not knowing what he'll be like in ten, twenty, fifty years' time. What if he turns out exactly like his father?"

"You deal with that then, but if you give up on him now, then won't you always wonder what if? What if he doesn't turn out like his father and you throw away a perfectly good relationship because you got scared?"

I breathe in slowly as what she says rings true. What if Aiden turns out nothing like Alistair? Then I'd be throwing us away because of Jason, which is exactly what he wanted.

I gulp a lump down my throat. "I'm not ready to see him yet, but if I go home tomorrow, I'll talk this through with him, see what he says, and decide from there."

"Good plan," she says handing me a drink of water.

"Thank you, Sandy, for everything. It's like you understand me and what I'm going through," I say to her sincerely.

She looks at me and exhales. "I do," she says quietly. "I do know what you're going through. My ex-boyfriend beat me up and my family. He killed my parents and nearly killed me, so I know exactly how you feel and understand your fear of men. I know all about that too. It gets easier with time, and I find that surrounding myself with things to keep me busy helps as well. That's why I stayed with you, Jenifer. You remind me of me when I was in here looking like you do now."

I look at her with tears in my eyes. "Oh my god, Sandy, I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I'm not. Yes, of course, I wish my parents were still here with me every second of every day, but wishing never gets you anywhere. You have to move on. I feel like a stronger person because of it. I know it sounds strange, but in a way, I'm glad it happened because I can help people who go through the same thing, like you. This will only make you a stronger person. Trust me on that."

I shake my head. "I don't know how to recover from this."

"Everyone is different, but you
will
recover from it. Of that I'm sure."

I look at her and see a brave young woman who has the scars of torment like me, but she's coping well it seems. Maybe this will get easier. Maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel as they say.

"Here take this." Sandy hands me a piece of paper.

"What's this?"

"It's my cell number if you need me anytime, to talk or for some guidance or to sit with. Call me. Promise me you will if you need to."

"Of course, thank you so much. I don't think I could've gotten through this without you."

"Sometimes a stranger is more comfort than those you love. Funny, but sometimes it works that way."

"Thank you, Sandy, for everything, but I think maybe you should go home and get some rest, and anyway, I'm going to sleep now."

"If you need me at anytime during the night, call me. I don't care what time it is. Promise me."

"I promise, now go. I'm sure you're hungry."

"Starving!" she says as she walks toward to door. "Anytime, okay?"

"Anytime."

She nods and walks out of the room.

I sigh, as I actually feel better. I still have mixed emotions about Aiden, but knowing that, with time, it gets easier makes me feel lighter somehow.

Chapter 23

The next day dawns, and the doctor comes in with Mom and Sarah. I notice Sarah has brought in some clothes for me to wear.

"How are you feeling, Jenifer? Ready to go home?" the doctor asks as I sit up in bed.

"Yep, sure am," I say, faking my enthusiasm as I sit on the edge of the bed.

"Now I have some numbers here for you if you need any counseling or group therapy to help with your recovery," the doctor says handing me the flyers.

"Thank you."

"Other than that, your vitals are normal, you're standing and walking on your own fine, and you're able to go to the bathroom and eat by yourself, so I think you're ready to go home. Relax and take it easy for the next few weeks. You've been through something devastating. Remember to relax and rest. No work for two weeks. Here are your discharge papers and good luck." She hands me the pieces of paper and walks out.

Mom and Sarah come over to me and look at me sympathetically.

"How are you, really?" Sarah asks, as Mom looks at me.

"I'm okay, I think. I want to go home and talk things out with Aiden."

Sarah takes out some jeans and a top for me to put on. I take off my gown and put on my clothes and some flip-flops. I go into the bathroom and put my hair up into a ponytail, looking at my bruised face. It looks better than when I first saw it, but I still look like a train wreck.

I walk back out, and Mom and Sarah have gathered my things, and we're ready to leave. I take a deep breath, as I know I'm going to see Aiden for the first time in four days. Mom takes my hand and we walk toward the door, and to the left I see that he is hunched over, sitting in the chair with his head in his hands.

"Aiden," Mom says and he looks up. His eyes are full of pain and suffering, his face has a four-day growth, giving him a slight beard, and he looks pale and thin. I wonder if he's eaten in the last few days as he stands to see me. I gulp a lump down my throat, feeling the tension in the air. He reaches out to touch me, and I flinch away. He pulls his hand back and stares into my eyes, and I can't help but look away. I hear him sigh as we all start to walk to the nurses' station.

Sarah stands next to Aiden as he stares at me. Mom puts her arm around me while I get discharged from the hospital. We walk to the parking lot, where Mike is waiting for us.

"It's good to see you, Miss Taylor."

"Hi, Mike," I say, keeping my distance from him. He opens the car door for me to get in. I turn to Mom and Sarah, a tear forming in my swollen eyes as the fear sets in.