Love on the NHS (8 page)

"I've just been at home. Yeah, I'm fine," he would answer. His friends took his answers as glibness but in fact he was just nervous and always had a bit of a flat effect in his facial expressions, making made it hard to convey emotion.

"Won't you come back to school?" they pleaded. Luke was touched they cared but returning was impossible. He was too far behind - there was no way now; and some of his tormentors had reduced him to being in fear of his life. On a second visit, a group of friends, some the same and some different, turned up in a minibus. They disembarked not unlike an invading army. Luke looked out the window and saw old familiar friends: Ed, Harry, Guy, Mark and many more At the door they invited him to come drinking. He took a gulp. I never have, he thought. I dread what it'll be like... but I would like to keep my friends.

And so Luke left the family home with his friends. They headed towards Slatetown along the familiar abandoned railway tracks. Just as they always had, they talked about rock music and daring stunts - like running and throwing yourself between the gap of a swing's chains in a playground. Luke had feared the topic of music would come up. Back at school he had shared the clique's tastes, for the most part. Their favourites had been Marilyn Manson, Slipknot, Linkin Park, Blink 182,  the Red Hot Chili Peppers and controversial musicians like Eminem and The Bloodhound Gang. Since living at home Luke had grown to like more mainstream bands. His favourite now was Busted, who sang about love and teen angst. To Luke the overtly rebellious nature of some rock bands was all an act. He was not so keen on them anymore.

As they traipsed further over the large stones and rusted tracks, Luke's old friends changed the subject to drugs. Having lived a sheltered life, Luke was getting to feel overwhelmed. He decided to keep quiet as his complete ignorance on illegal substances was not likely to impress. Why am I so scared? he thought. Because I don't know what is in these drugs, what they really do to you. And I've seen other people from school I didn't trust who used them - if I start will I be caught up with the wrong people? His internal monologue was interrupted -

"Who do you listen to these days, Luke?" It was Ed.

"I don't know really. Bit of Iron Maiden or Busted."

At the mention of Iron Maiden they all solemnly nodded but when he said Busted the group bursted into laughter.

"You're joking?" said Harry. "They're bul-loody crap!"

Next they turned to talking about new bands they liked, who they were watching at summer festivals. Their taste had evolved towards heavy metal and grindcore. Luke was not even sure what grindcore was but it gave him a headache.

"Hey Mark, remember that time we were all drinking out of your dad's whisky?" Harry reminisced.

"Ha ha. Yeah. That was classic. Ed was rolling around the floor like a dog."

They all began to point and cackle at Ed, who began defending himself, "Hey, it was your friggin' dad's basement, Mark. I don't care if I broke a floorboard or two."

Mark grabbed Ed by his sweatshirt. "Are you serious, Ed? You damaged it?"

Ed laughed. "You're so easy to wind up."

"What are you lot gassing about?" broke in Guy. "Anyway, did you buy the stuff I asked you to, Ed?"

"Yep. Got it right here in my wallet. Parental discretion advised."

Luke was feeling more and more out of his depth. He had not spoken for over five minutes. His silence made him feel conspicuous but he was lost for words. A terror was building within him of his life being forever transformed. Luke felt he had to get off this path.

"Oh no!" Luke piped up. "I just remembered. My psychologist is coming to my house in an hour." It was a lame excuse. Luke's friends probably saw through it. They let him go with few protestations, though. He soon guilty, watching them continue onwards. They looked a little dejected. They had not expected his leaving. He would live to regret it a lot. To his friends he had rejected them and was the last straw.

A year later Lily and her boyfriend James came to stay. James took Luke, along with his sister, for his first drink of alcohol at the village pub and to Luke's surprise he became intoxicated and really enjoyed himself. James and Lily would continue to take Luke out drinking over the next few years. As a result Luke's confidence in mingling with strangers gradually increased. Once Luke had his own apartment and was living near the two in Duldrum they went for a night out on the town every couple of months or so. Duldrum by night was not very civilized, just as few places in the United Kingdom were; though it is fair to say Duldrum had the dubious honour of being one of the most violent towns in the country. Regular stag and hen nights ensured there was more than enough rowdiness, while marauding groups of unimaginative jean- and shirt-clad townies spoiled for fights and got the lions' share of the ladies' attention. It is actually quite generous to describe them as ladies, as most were almost, if not equally, as foul-mouthed and lacking in subtlety as their male counterparts.

Simultaneously Luke was trying to meet women through dating websites but having no luck. Ninety five percent of men with Asperger's syndrome do not have, as it is called in contemporary dating parlance, game. They do not have a knack for coming across as the so-called bad guy or the lovably cheeky chap. More often than not, men with Asperger's are bullied by women they attempt to approach. The most common abuse they receive is name-calling They are called psychos, weirdos and creeps for no reason other than their appearance, body posture or social skills. As a matter of fact, men who are skilled at mingling are more likely to be creeps. The amount of sex scandals involving highly sociable people like politicians and priests is pretty telling.

Most women who Luke tried to talk to on dating websites would simply ignore him. There were a few desultory, short exchanges of messages sometimes but the lady would generally rudely cease communicating. Luke did not expect to find love easily -but getting used to people being so unmannerly was hard too. The evenings out with James and Lily were much the same. More often than not, he was told he was not a girl's type. It was not uncommon, however, to be told to go elsewhere in language that should have offended their mother's virtue. It was pathetic but not surprising. Duldrum was, like so much of the United Kingdom, in a decline reminiscent of the Roman empire. The only burgeoning industries were massage parlours, lap dancing clubs and cannabis factories.

Unexpectedly on one evening out in Duldrum, Luke managed to attract a woman, who approached him. He had been dancing with Lily having lots of fun. This woman had been in the vicinity and suddenly swooped in. They swapped phone numbers and she told him she was a writer. He was quite intrigued at meeting someone so clever but the relationship only lasted two weeks. He felt no spark for her.

Other women occasionally showed interest in Luke. There were two who pursued him at a drama group. It was a group he joined ran by disabled people to dramatize the barriers faced by them and to educate, inform and entertain audiences in schools. Two of the actresses, Courtney and Natalie, had their hearts set on him. But the conversation could never get going. While Luke wanted to talk about changing the world, or visions and dreams, they wanted to talk about The X Factor or where they had been last Friday. Courtney and Natalie had both been to special schools; Luke had been privileged enough to attend a mainstream one. Most the disabled people Luke mingled with at the drama group had been to special schools - and it showed. Special schools taught so little, had lax or overzealous discipline and had such low expectations for their pupils. It was lucky that the two older adults (who were also disabled) producing the scripts had both been mainstream schooled, as most the youngsters had neither the drive nor confidence to be creative or relate their experience of disability.

A common problem for Luke when he was flirting with women and attempting to get to know them was running out of topics to talk about. Asperger's syndrome rendered his ability to be spontaneous very impaired and what he really needed was a woman who could share an obsession with him. Obsessive and narrow interests are part and parcel of the condition, after all, which does present challenges for dating most women. Luke had read that people with Asperger's syndrome have less of a chemical called oxytocin in their brain and that this chemical is involved in forming bonds. It is needed to trust and love other beings. Luke did struggle to become attached to people and so he needed a woman who was not too high maintenance or demanding emotionally; or at least someone who could accept that if he was quiet sometimes it was not rudeness but only his mind having gone blank.

It would be even better if he could be allowed to express himself freely. So often he withdrew into quietude because there were so many expectations of a person nowadays. Women in particular could be so touchy and sensitive - and in a time when feminists had long since earned many freedoms for ladies, they were in a position to choose between males as opposed to the opposite being true historically. As a result, men like Luke were easily rejected for more attractive "emotionally intelligent" men; they would not say odd things or give a lady a bumpy, unpredictable ride. It was tough. Because of widespread discrimination against Asperger's, the prospects for dating were even more discriminatory: what was unfairness in other aspects of life magnified hugely in the arena of courting and mating.

Luke gained a little more experience with the fairer sex when he met his second girlfriend, once again through Lily. She had a friend, Flo, who was single and despite her being thirty she otherwise seemed a good match. A blind date was arranged. At a pizzeria, Luke seduced Flo a liaison of a few weeks was formed. It was on and off but never really going anywhere. The main cause of friction was Luke would talk about problems he encountered due to his condition and Flo would rationalize them, failing to take into account he perceived things differently.

Flo was also more relaxed about time than Luke. She would get up hours after he did and did not share his sense of urgency and passion. Whenever Luke would talk about something, she would always voice a strong opinion. Arguments were enjoyable to her and it became very irritating for Luke. At the same time, Luke was more rebellious than Flo. She was career-oriented and aspired to bourgeoisie middle class values. She put on airs that she believed would make her fit the role. Assuming a tinny, hollow accent was the most exasperating of her habits. At least, though, Flo was more human than the well established middle-class people Luke had met in his years. She did not have the patented dry laugh or condescending toss back of the head that females of that socioeconomic group usually display.

Luke wanted her to drink out of a bottle with him by a lake. Or if the fancy struck to sleep in a tent down by a river. She wanted to go to restaurants or for him to join her at poetry evenings she attended. Just like his first girlfriend, Flo too was an aspiring writer. Luke felt intimidated at events he went to with her, however, and he was unable to hobnob with Woecaster's socialites the way she could - she expected him to be keep up too. After a month or so of dating they agreed to disagree and said final goodbyes.

XVI

On a broad summer's day Luke's social worker, Bart Burbuckle, visited him at his apartment. "Hello there!" he gaily greeted - and he was certainly dressed to impress. He cut quite the figure in his cotton shirt, green safari jacket, blue chinos and leather sandals. Luke welcomed him in and they sat on the sofa. Bart Burbuckle had become Luke's social worker after Luke had shouted at people in public. The police had been called, he was assessed and determined to require mental health care. He was thus assigned to a community mental health team and Burbuckle was his approved social worker.

Burbuckle's sartorial elegance would have wowed more if not for his elephantine size. It was by no means unusual; most people where Luke had moved to were fat. Luke lived on the very edge of Duldrum in the district of Furchurch and he would often reflect on how each city, town and village had its own peculiar demographics. Some towns were more suave, in others people's eyes were industrious or artistic, in a village somewhere he would notice faces were ruddy, with clearer expressions. In Duldrum almost everyone was fat, though to a lesser extent heading further towards Woecaster.

"So how've you been, Luke?" Bart asked chippily.

Luke looked at the floor. "Not too great."

"What have you been up to?"

"Just walking around. Joining different clubs, trying to make friends. Nothing works though. I can't relate to anyone."

"Have you thought of joining some kind of class? Maybe an art class?"

"I'm not interested in art. I don't know anything about it anyway."

"I think it'd be right up your street! There you'd be with your beret and your easel. Ha, ha, ha!" he laughed. 

Luke smiled. "I can't cope with people. They never like me. People would pick on me too."

"You'll be fine! Why do you think they'd pick on you?"

"It happens everywhere. In school, on buses, supermarkets. Anywhere," Luke muttered despondently. “People don't like me."

"I like you! I like you a lot," and Bart gesticulated a friendly hand movement. "You're a great guy. You watch Lawson's Creek, you're intelligent... why don't you just give it a try and see how it goes?"

"I might do. I wouldn't know where to start, though."

"I'll tell you what. I'll have a look if I can find this newsletter Duldrum College produce. It has a listing of the courses on offer. They have a section with evening classes; so there's no commitment! You can just turn up  - or not as the case may be, ha ha ha! -  and they don't last long. Let me see if I can get that. I'll just write that down in my diary, just so I don't forget. Memory gets like a sieve once you hit middle age!" he chuckled.

Luke hated thinking about age. He was twenty four. It was far too old. People always told him he was young. That his whole life was ahead of him. But to him he'd failed in life; or life had failed him - either way it was too late.