Love Rewards The Brave (2 page)

6.

My mind always goes back to the same

place when I’m alone.

Always back to a little girl

meeting her monster.

I go down the hall

the long dark hall

when I hear his call.

See, he’s done with her

and now he wants me.

Thinking if he gets what he wants

maybe he will somehow be

set free.

But it doesn't work that way.

You get what you pay for.

I paid nothing

yet the price is as high as my life

so I close my eyes knowing it’s always better me

than Benji.

He’s still so small

won't make the fall.

This has been my life for all of my days.

So I stand up tall

tall as I can in my nine-year-old frame

knowing that it won't last that long

won’t hurt so bad

that it’s always the same.

The same belt being pulled tight against my legs

my back feeling the brunt of his rage.

If there was a cage

I'd crawl so far inside

deep inside and hang up high.

Close the door swallow the key

only then would I feel free.

Free from him and the man he is.

Daddy is not a word in our little family vocabulary.

More like gravedigger

heartbreaker

beat me up and throw me down

the only way he treats me.

I figure

the only way he knows how.

So I walk down that hall

like I do so many nights

when her cries have stopped,

but his have not

and I don't want the bed bugs to bite.

Bite him,

my little Benji Boy.

He’s who will get the blow if I don't go.

I’ll always go

for him.

I would do anything

travel to the ends of the earth

the only family I know

one little boy and

one desperate girl

to keep the only thing I’ve ever known together

so it’s all chaos and cold and empty,

but it’s also my

family.

Down the hall I go

to the room that holds the night crawler

of a father

who finds what he wants in the dark

and the smell of his breath tells me it's time.

So I close my eyes tighter than I know how

and go to the place only I travel to.

A place that’s safe for me.

It’s full of princessdresses

fairywings

it’s princeinshiningarmordreams.

It’s my nine-year-old wishcometrue

escape from the truth

from the sucker punch

bombshell

blast in the face

a broken wrist on the bloodstained ground

that keeps me home for days.

It’s the meadow

brightwhite

blueskyplace

I go

when everything else becomes gray.

7.

The next morning in the

kitchen, I head back to reality.

"Louisa, when you do that, stay in your room and refuse to come out, the only person you’re hurting is yourself.”

I keep my eyes straight ahead

keep them frozen in time and space.

Ms. Francine thinks she has

a handle on guilt trip

thinks she’ll get to me because of it.

I don't want none of it.

"You can't shut the world out and then think things will go the way you want. That's not how the world works."

So then how
does
the world work, Ms. Francine?

Seems to me every goddamned day

of my life was ruled that way.

Treat me bad

break me down

then have me get up

stand up

keep me bound

to you.

"If this is going to go well, between you and me, there needs to be more respect. Are you even listening to me?”

8.

What me?

Not good enough

always messing it up enough?

What am I supposed to do here?

Laugh?

Cry?

Tell Ms. Francine it will all be A-OK?

"Look, all I’m saying, Louisa, is that when someone makes you a meal, it’s important to acknowledge that. When someone does something nice for you, you should thank them."

She’s up close now

wanting me to say something.

I’m doing my best to hold my breath

knowing that’s death

for people like Ms. Francine

who need to hear words to make their world make sense.

"Okay, Ms. Francine,” I say.

Smile big and pretty now.

Why can't I do the right thing now?

Say things that are true.

Tell Ms. Francine it's not you.

It never is.

It's about me

the girl without anything.

And now you tell me

again

how the things I do

are never right

and I know you aren't saying that,

but I swear when your lips move

all I think

is that once again

I’ve not measured up for

someone.

"Louisa, I just wish you’d say something about why you’re acting this way. It feels like you’re being mean on purpose and I’ll just chalk it up to missing Benji. But next time…there really shouldn't be a next time."

Her hands sit on heavyset hips,

black tunic over her black pants.

Black on black.

Breathe in deep

closes her eyes, thinks.

"You need to go or you’ll be late."

9.

So I run on the bus

knowing I don't want to cry.

I don't want to be that girl.

You know?

The one who cares.

Jess is waiting for me.

Pats the seat.

Jess is all-tough

just like me

we’re one in the same.

Gauges in her ears

head shaved bare

ink on her arm.

How she pulled off getting it at sixteen is beyond me.

An older boyfriend she said, at her cousin’s house.

She wanted to be a rock star then so

he said she needed to prove it.

Next thing she knew

she had a giant tattoo.

A star and a moon.

Far in the distance

like another galaxy.

"Sometimes I wish I could leave this place."

She said when I asked her why outer space.

We both knew we wished

we.could.go.away.

Her –– away from high school hell

Me –– away from all the things I

lived through

but promised not to tell.

10.

I get off the bus with my best friend forever.

My only friend in forever.

Why is it that a friend showed up when everyone else left?

I thought it was the other way around.

Friends will go, but family is forever?

It's all bullshit.

Her mom made a good dinner, I missed out, she says.

Ms. F was being a be-otch I say

laughing

flipping my purple bangs from my eyes.

Jess wants to cut school and go find her boyfriend Markus.

Mess around, get high.

I know Ms. F will kill me if I skip out.

My counselor Terry will find out.

My social worker will freak out.

My world is full of adults

who care about my “welfare”

yet don't seem to be doing anything to get me there.

Where I want to go.

Back at home,

with Benji.

"No you go ahead, Jess, it's cool."

I got to go to class

you know

show up

live up

to what they want for me.

She laughs and kisses my cheek

texting

Markus as she leaves.

I watch her walk away

knowing she is my saving grace.

When I showed up

showed my face

at this high school.

11.

Later, in the cafeteria

Jess is back, Markus too.

I sit and eat the free food

the school gives me.

Chocolate milk.

Chicken sticks and fries.

Ranch dressing on the side.

No surprise.

"Are you asking someone to the Hawkins dance, Louisa?"

Markus thinks he's so cute.

I don't get it.

He’s just like every other boy at this entire school.

Thinking they are strong and that

the girls need them to survive.

The truth is, the only thing a man ever gave me was

an STD and

a black eye.

"I think I'll pass. Don't need to waste my night dancing with some dumbass."

Markus laughs, at me.

Thinks he has me figured out.

Thinks I’m too scared to ask some guy to go with me

be seen with me.

Hold my hand, lean on me.

"You’re just scared he'll say no."

I throw a fry at Markus

looking at Jess.

To save me.

Say something.

To prove to him that I am

more than he thinks.

"Yeah, Lou-Lou, why don't you go, with us?"

I stare at her smirk

and her eyes

knowing she’s trying to mess with me.

And knowing that it’s working.

I’ve lived life

face down

on the ground

and it feels like

I will never be

strong enough

to stand

up

and walk away.

12.

On the bus ride home she leans over to ask, "So you think you'll invite someone?"

I roll my eyes.

Feigning confidence.

Pretending I'm oblivious

to my own feelings.

"Well, I just thought it'd be fun. Like a double date. Besides, Markus is cool and all, but he’s not my best friend. He’s not you."

I know.

Markus is the kind of guy who can score you some

weed or beer or cigarettes.

But not the kind of guy who makes you

laugh or feel pretty or interesting.

He doesn't get the jokes or

understand the reason

Jess is with him.

The joke's on him.

"No, I get it. It’s just not my thing. You understand, right?”

I smile, halfheartedly.

As if I want to spend my night with one of Markus’s friends.

Another guy just like him.

Who thinks if they bring some pot

it means they can get to my G-spot.

“You’ll be fine without me, Jess. Don't you worry your pretty little head."

And I pet her

fuzzyshavedbleachedout

skull

until we get to her stop.