Love Shadows (15 page)

CHAPTER TWENTY

S
ARAH
FINISHED
A
very productive meeting with a group of volunteers for the summer festival and realized she would have to head straight to the library if she was going to make the bereavement session. She expertly parallel parked her red Envoy in front of the library and grabbed her portfolio of drawings, always paranoid they would be stolen from her car.

She also carried a bakery box of two dozen assorted cupcakes that Maddie had made for her. Sarah never felt comfortable going to any kind of gathering empty-handed. After an emotional session, Sarah was the first to admit she needed a sugar boost.

Sarah entered the meeting room and was surprised that everyone was present, including Luke, who was dressed in a blue-and-white-striped shirt, black slacks and loafers. She also saw a new, young couple who appeared barely out of their teens. Though they sat next to each other, they had turned their bodies away, almost sitting back-to-back. They looked at everyone and everything except each other.

It didn’t take a professional counselor to tell Sarah that these two young people had lost a child.

Luke looked up when Sarah entered the room and she knew he watched her as she placed the cupcakes on the refreshment table. She also noticed the friendly smile on his face as she came to sit down. “Hi, Luke,” Sarah said, smoothing her brown silk skirt.

“You look nice,” he said.

“Thanks.” She smiled in return.

Margot started the session by introducing Carla and Jarod Helm. Carla told the group that they had been married nine months. She’d been five months pregnant when they married. Their baby, a boy, had died at home only a week after his birth. The doctors told them the baby had congenital heart disease. Carla’s words were caught between a rain of tears and visible anguish that evoked empathy from the entire group. Her story spilled out of her in a torrent, signaling to everyone that Carla probably hadn’t vented her grief to a soul—including her husband—since the baby’s death. She was forthcoming with details and described emotions that ran the gamut from desolation to wrath.

It was Luke who asked, seemingly nonchalantly, “What was the baby’s name?”

“He has no name,” Jarod said. “She wouldn’t let me name him.”

Carla shook her head. “I just can’t.”

Luke looked taken aback. “But he was your child, and you couldn’t possibly be in any more pain than you already are. There’s nothing more precious in life than our children. I know. I have two kids, and they are the world to me. Honestly, I didn’t know how much they meant to me until recently. You see, I’ve been lost for a long time. I’m not sure where I am now. I’m not ‘found,’ that’s for sure. But you’re both so young. Your life should be filled with laughter and making happy memories and exploring absolutely everything there is about your life together. That’s all that ever really counts. I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose a child. I lost my wife, and that’s been excruciating. Endless, agonizing torture. The only thing that would be worse for me would be to lose one of my kids.” Luke took a deep breath.

Sarah looked at the young couple, their rings so shiny and new, their faces without line or wear. They were fresh at this thing called life. They were babies themselves, really.

Sarah’s eyes went from Luke to Margot. Margot put her index finger to her lips as a signal to everyone in the group not to interrupt the exchange between Luke, Carla and Jarod.

Jarod folded his arms protectively across his wide chest. “She doesn’t want to give the baby my name. That’s what’s going on,” Jarod said angrily. “That’s the whole problem.”

“What is?” Luke asked.

“Carla never wanted to marry me in the first place. She only married me because she was pregnant. She didn’t want
me.
”

This time Margot interrupted. “Is that true, Carla?”

“Yes,” Carla said quietly, looking down at her hands. A tear fell from her eye into her lap.

Luke shook his head vehemently. “You’re lying, Carla,” he charged.

Jarod was nearly out of his chair when Sarah put a hand on his arm to halt him. She remained silent and only shook her head. Jarod backed down.

Margot looked at Luke and he nodded, knowing it was time for the professional to take over. “You really started something here, Luke. Seems like you’ve been paying attention every week.”

Luke remained silent and eased back in his chair.

“Jarod, I think it’s very interesting that you came to Carla’s defense when you thought Luke was attacking her. I would say that’s very telling. And Carla, if you didn’t love Jarod, you would have already filed for divorce. The baby is dead. You’re under no obligation to stay with him.”

“I know. My parents want me to see an attorney.”

“But you didn’t see one, did you?” Margot prodded.

“No.”

“Whose idea was it to come here?” Margot asked, looking from Carla to Jarod.

Carla raised her head and glanced at Luke initially, then at Margot. Sincerity filled her eyes. “It was mine. I thought that if Jarod could see that I really do love him, that I didn’t just marry him because of the baby, then maybe we’d have a chance. He’s angry because the heart disease is from my side of the family.”

Jarod turned to Carla and took her hand. “I’m not angry because of that. I’m angry because you always listen to your parents. They tell you I’m not good enough for you because I don’t have a college degree...but I can get one. I can get a good job and take care of you.”

Tentatively, Carla reached out her hand to Jarod. “I didn’t want to name the baby because if you did leave me, I didn’t want him to have your name to always remind me of the time we were together.”

Jarod wrapped his arms around Carla and hugged her. Sarah surreptitiously glanced at Luke as he watched the young couple. She saw anguish in his eyes, and longing. Again, she witnessed how much in love Luke still was with Jenny. Maybe this was improvement for Luke. His anger had vanished.

Sarah was awed by the direct but deeply empathetic manner in which Luke had spoken to Carla and Jarod. She’d never seen this side of Luke. Taking charge, being the leader, yet displaying a deep understanding of their pain and sorrow.

Luke was a multifaceted person who constantly surprised and perplexed her. He had many depths and layers, and the more he revealed of himself, the more she wanted to know about him. Sarah discovered that she cared what Luke thought of her, and it bothered her that he might think she had “ulterior motives” where he was concerned.

Sarah also realized suddenly that she did want something from Luke. She wanted him to like her. She wanted very much to be his friend. But as she watched him reach over and touch Carla’s hand tenderly, she knew that she wanted Luke to reach out to
her.
She wanted to hold his hand and feel his touch. But she wanted him to give it freely.

There was no question that Luke had helped Carla and Jarod turn a corner in their lives. She hoped that after this night they could come together and see that there were real possibilities for their future.

Wasn’t that what everyone in the world wanted?

Hope?

Wasn’t that what Sarah wanted now, for herself? A future with Luke in it?

* * *

C
RICKETS
CHIRPED
IN
the shrubs around the library and the cicadas vied for equal time on the summer night’s symphony stage as Sarah walked out with Luke, Alice and Margot. Sarah said good-night to everyone and went to her Envoy.

Suddenly, she realized Luke was right behind her.

She turned around and smiled. “What’s up?”

Luke shrugged his broad shoulders. “Just thought I’d make sure you made it to your car okay.”

“I’m right here in front. Under the streetlamp for protection.”

“You can’t be too careful these days,” he said.

She nodded. “Mrs. Beabots tells me that all the time. She’d be happier if I had military pepper spray in my purse.”

“Want me to get you some?” he joked. “I have a source.”

Sarah laughed. “I was kidding.”

“I’m not,” he said very seriously.

Sarah hit the remote control on her key ring and opened her car door. “You were fairly terrific in there tonight, Luke. So how is that you came by so much insight all of a sudden?”

“Who said it was sudden?” he asked, walking closer.

“I just meant...”

“I know what you meant. You think I’m a dunderhead.”

“Yikes. You remember that?”

“I do. It was a first.” He laughed. “Here, let me help you with that,” he said, reaching for her father’s portfolio.

Protectively, she pulled away. “No, thanks. I’ve got it.”

Luke laughed. “What is it? Government secrets? Actually, I know about them, so I would make sure they stay classified.”

Sarah exhaled. “No. It’s just my drawings. For the festival. You know, the layout of the booths. Just concept drawings.”

“May I see them?” he asked earnestly.

“You want to see my drawings?”

“I do. Maybe I can help.”

“Okay,” she said, going to the hood of her SUV and opening the portfolio. Under the golden pool of light from the streetlamp, Sarah showed Luke her drawings for the booths, the entrance, the dining tent, the area with the carnival rides and the stage for the pageant in which his daughter would be the featured songstress.

“What materials are you using for the booth designs and the entrance gates?” Luke asked.

“Wood frame and cardboard.”

He shook his head. “Let’s use Sheetrock. It will stand up much better, and then you can use the booths from year to year. They won’t warp like even heavy corrugated cardboard will.”

Sarah gazed at him. “
Let’s?
As in, you want to help with the festival?”

“Yeah. I do. And I think you could use a good carpenter to build these little storefronts.”

“I do need a carpenter.”

“Sarah, when I went into the church the other day to see the kids’ choir practice, it was the first time I’d seen the disrepair you’re talking about. The pew I was sitting in nearly fell over. That’s dangerous. There are a lot of little things I can do to help out with the repairs when the time comes. But first you need to raise...”

“A million dollars plus,” she groaned as she put her drawings away. “I know people in town are talking about me, saying I’m crazy to think I can do this, but I don’t care. It’s the right thing to do. My mother would have done it. And besides, it gives me something to focus on. Honestly, I’ve never been so...so...” She peered into his face as she looked for the right word, when Luke finished her sentence for her.

“Consumed?”

“Yes! That’s exactly it. The ideas are exploding inside my head even in my sleep. It’s wonderful!”

“I envy you,” he said in a respect-filled tone.

“Then do what you just offered. Help me. You’ve said a dozen times that I don’t have kids and you do. Help me make this even better from your viewpoint. What would you do to draw every kid from the Midwest to our festival?”

“Seriously?”

“Yes. Hit me with it.”

Luke scratched the back of his neck and pointed at the drawing on top of the pile she was sliding into her portfolio. “For starters I’d make the entryway more like Cinderella’s castle. I’d make it more fanciful rather than an authentic castle. Use a lot of glitter and sparkle stuff that little girls like to see. Girls get both their fathers and mothers to spend money. So I’d increase the number of booths that sell little-girl jewelry, those headbands with ribbons trailing down their backs. Face painting is a must. Put all the little girl booths up front just as the parents come in the gate, so you catch them right away with your dazzle. Little boys just want to ride the rides and be entertained. I’d sell toy swords, capes and maybe felt Robin Hood hats. Timmy loves to play Lancelot.”

Sarah was agog. “These are wonderful ideas, Luke, and I hadn’t thought of any of them. I can’t thank you enough. I’ll revise these drawings tonight and show them to you on Saturday. How would that be?”

“Sure,” he said, shoving his hands in his pockets while Sarah scrambled with her purse, phone and portfolio and opened her car door. “Sarah.”

She looked back at him and saw a very serious look on Luke’s face. She couldn’t tell if he was angry or sad. “Yes?”

“I want to apologize about some of the things I’ve said to you. I was cruel. I haven’t been...well, myself for a long time. I’m sorry.”

“You’re forgiven,” she said.

“I think you’re doing a great job...with the church and all. Not many people would take up the cause like you are,” he said.

Luke’s eyes drifted to the distance beyond where Sarah was standing. She knew he was thinking about Jenny.

“Luke,” Sarah said, hoping to pull him back to the present. “I think you were remarkable with Carla and Jarod tonight.”

“I hope they come back,” he said. “I know in the beginning that I thought all this was a waste. But for someone like me, I really needed it.” Luke gave Sarah a straight-on look. “You’re one of the resilient ones Margot talks about. Margot says I need some private sessions to deal with my yearning.... Sorry. I should have kept that private.” He stopped abruptly. “I have to go. My boss’s wife is watching the kids and it’s their bedtime. I’ll see you later.” Luke dashed to his truck and drove off before Sarah was behind her steering wheel.

Sarah watched his taillights disappear down Maple Avenue. She couldn’t deny it any longer. Luke was more than just a fascinating person to her.

She had come to care for him—deeply—and she wished to heaven she had not.

He was a dangerous kind of man for her. He was in love with someone else—a nearly angelic ghost. If Sarah wasn’t very careful, she would spend the rest of her life riding the precipice of unrequited love.

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

O
N
M
ONDAY
MORNING
, Luke stood inside the construction trailer listening to his boss, Jerry, who was on the telephone with the owner of the large retail construction job they had all thought would carry them through the winter.

Luke watched as Jerry’s face fell. Then Jerry gave him a thumbs-down and finished the call.

Luke was incredulous. “I don’t believe it. This is impossible. How can they do that?”

Jerry shrugged his shoulders. “The City Council voted down the new retail complex. They said it would bring too much commerce, too much traffic, too many people to Indian Lake.”

Luke wiped his face to hold back his curses. “Stupid, stupid people. We are not living in 1945.”

“I know that.” Jerry made a guttural sound that hovered on the edge of pure anger. “But they call the shots.”

“What does this mean to us?” Luke asked, feeling fear scorch his guts.

“Cutbacks.”

“For everyone?” Luke asked.

“Yes. Even me.” Jerry slammed his hand on the stained work counter. “And I just signed my son up for Purdue.”

“I’m sorry, Jerry,” Luke said.

“All we’ve got is what’s on the books to finish out the summer,” Jerry said. “Until I come up with a doozy of a brainstorm. I was really counting on this new center. I’m really sorry, Luke.”

“I know you are, Jerry. Something will turn up. For all of us. It just has to.”

“I don’t know about you,” Jerry said, “but I’m going to pray for a miracle.”

Luke rubbed his chin uncomfortably. “Praying never got me anywhere.”

* * *

L
UKE
PUT
HIS
children to bed and went downstairs. Passing the entry table, he saw the stack of mail that Annie, the organizer, had placed in a neat stack for him. He picked up the stack and went into the living room, flopping into his favorite recliner. Riffling through the bills, he felt every ounce of his former elation sour. Despite his best efforts to pay Jenny’s bills on time, he felt as if he was swimming upstream.

The interest on his credit card bills was swallowing up nearly all the payments he’d made on the principal. Though he’d paid the hospital over seven thousand dollars, he was far from paying off his debt. He needed a new truck desperately. In the fall, the kids’ tuition would cost over three thousand dollars. Now that Jerry had delivered the bad news about the retail center, Luke would be forced to cut back on their expenses even more. Though he appreciated the universe sending him the extra job at Mrs. Beabots’s, what he really needed to do was win the Powerball.

Fat frigging chance.

Luke rose, went to the kitchen, opened his last can of beer and returned to the living room. He stood in front of Jenny’s portrait. “I’m doin’ the best I can, babe,” he said. “But I don’t know where to turn anymore.”

He looked around at the pretty house Jenny had painted and decorated with her own hands. It was charming and cozy and filled with love. And it was his sanctuary, where his memories of Jenny lived in every room. For over two years, he’d kept her dream that they would be a family in this house going. He felt he owed it to Jenny. She had worked so hard, and so had he. He told himself that Jenny would have wanted him to keep the house at all costs. But the brutal truth was that selling the house was his only hope for his financial problems.

Luke couldn’t believe how much his hand shook when he picked up the telephone receiver and placed the call to Cate Sullivan, a Realtor he knew in town. Luke had put off the inevitable as long as he could. He was finally at the end of his rope.

* * *

L
UKE
MET
C
ATE
at her office the next day at noon. They had met once before at a fund-raiser walk-a-thon when Jenny was alive. Even then, Cate had impressed him as being aggressive. She’d been handing out business cards to adults and giving kids balloons adorned with her contact information. Other than her apparent marketing skills, he’d heard around town that she was a fair and professional Realtor.

In order to get the best price for his house, Luke was determined to find an ace. Cate fit the bill.

“I know your house well,” Cate said, motioning for Luke to sit down. “Jenny hosted a committee meeting there once, and I told her how impressed I was with her decorating talents.”

“I didn’t know that,” Luke said.

“I’m sorry for your loss, Luke. She was a lovely woman. I think we would have been friends if she had lived. Now,” she said, taking out a sheaf of papers, “I’ve run some comps of the area to give us an overall picture of what we can expect.” She placed four sheets of statistics and photographs of neighboring houses in front of him.

Luke was surprised. “Our house looks much better than these,” he said.

“I know!” Cate replied enthusiastically. “With the new windows you installed and all the things Jenny did, frankly, your house is far superior to what’s out there right now. It’s not a big house, but it’s a doll’s house.”

“And is that good?”

“Since you want to sell over the summer before the kids start school, I would say it is absolutely a good thing.”

Luke struggled to catch Cate’s enthusiasm, but as she continued talking about the specifics of listing the house, the lockbox, the advertising campaign and the contracts he needed to sign, Luke began to feel as if Jenny was sitting next to him, holding his hand, urging him to be strong.

Luke’s heart was as heavy as stone. Jenny was slipping away from him once again. Once the house was sold, he could not get it back. He would not be able to walk through the rooms and pretend she was there, sitting in her favorite chair, waiting for him to tell her about his day. There would be no more hauntings from his beautiful wife, or night whispers when she came to him in his sleep. He could no longer imagine her touch.

He was losing his dream.

And it was as if Jenny had died all over again.

Luke signed the papers and Cate promised to put the for-sale sign up on the front lawn the next day, after he’d had the opportunity to tell the children that their lives were about to change. Again.

* * *

L
UKE
STIRRED
THE
macaroni and cheese while Annie emptied a bag of prewashed, premixed greens into the wooden salad bowl.

“How about Ranch?” Annie asked her brother, dumping too much dressing on the greens.

“I hate salad. Can I have graham crackers, instead?” Timmy asked.

“No,” Annie said emphatically, with a tortured look on her face. “Graham crackers are for dessert.”

“Uh-uh,” Timmy said. “Ice cream is for dessert. We got that sugar-free stuff. Low fat. Right, Dad?”

Luke only nodded. “You guys want hot dogs with or without the buns?”

“Bun,” Annie said, looking at him as if any other form of presentation was ludicrous.

“No bun,” Timmy said. “I have to have room for ice cream.”

“Daaaad,” Annie groaned as if she thought Timmy should be reprimanded.

Because Luke dreaded what he was about to say to his children he replied, “We should all save room for ice cream tonight.”

Luke put the mac and cheese in a bowl and served the hot dogs. Annie placed a spoonful of salad on Timmy’s plate. Timmy groaned and pushed it to the far rim, making sure nothing green touched his pasta.

They sat down and Annie lowered her head. Before Luke could say a word, Annie rattled very quickly, “Thank you, Lord, for this food. Amen.”

She looked at her father with a great deal of triumph in her eyes. “Pass the ketchup, please,” she said.

They ate silently for several minutes while Luke gathered his courage. Finally, he wiped his mouth with his paper napkin and said, “Kids. I have to talk to you about something.”

Annie dropped her fork. “You’re taking me out of Sarah’s play?” she asked, horrified.

“No.” Luke shook his head.

“Whew,” Timmy said. “I wouldn’t want to be around Annie if you did that!”

Luke took a deep gulp of his ice water. “This is much more serious.”

Both children stopped eating and gave him their solemn attention.

“What, Dad?” Annie asked.

“First of all, I want to apologize for my short temper over the past months. I have had a lot on my mind, and none of what I’ve been feeling has anything to do with what you guys have done. I love you both more than you know. More than I ever thought it was possible to love anybody,” Luke said, feeling his buried emotions erupt in his chest. “My worries have been about money.”

“We know.” Annie nodded.

Luke shook his head. “You don’t know all of it. When Mom died, there were a lot of hospital bills. To pay them and pay for your school and, well, everything, I have had to use our credit cards. A lot.” He looked at them.

They stared back at him blankly.

He changed his tact. “To pay for everything, I’m going to have to sell our house.”

“The whole house?” Timmy asked. “My trains and toys, too?”

“No, sweetheart. Not the things in the house. Just the house.”

“When?” Annie asked.

“Tomorrow it goes up for sale. I don’t know how long it will take to sell. It could be weeks, even months, before we get a buyer.”

Annie’s expression was granite, but Luke could see the wheels in her mind spinning as she calculated out the truth from what he was and was not telling her. “Where will we go?”

“We’ll find an apartment. Someplace fun for a while. Once I get us back on track, we’ll find a new house. And we’ll move again. I don’t want you kids to go too long without a backyard to play in....”

“We’ll have to leave St. Mark’s. Right?” Annie demanded. “If there’s no money for a house, then it costs too much for St. Mark’s. Right?”

Timmy’s face spun from his sister to his father. “No way.”

Luke nodded, but only once. “I’m afraid so. But you’ll still go there this summer for Vacation Bible School. And you’ll still go to Sunday school. You can see your friends then.” Luke tried to reason, but his excuses sounded patronizing and lame, even to himself.

Timmy was aghast. “I don’t want to go to a strange school! Annie knows everybody at St. Mark’s! They all like her and they all like me!”

“I love...my school,” Annie said, her voice hopping over the tears in her throat. She’d learned to keep her tears out of her eyes when her mother died, by swallowing them. But for some reason, she couldn’t choke them back now. Before she knew it, she couldn’t see a thing in the kitchen anymore. Her father’s face floated in front of her as if she was swimming under water.

Annie felt as if her insides were on fire. She was no longer going to be living in her home and no longer going to her school where she loved her teachers and her friends.

She looked at her father and he seemed to become smaller, as if he were nothing more than a cartoon. Not real. And all of this was not happening to her.

Annie exploded in a burst of anger. “I hate you!” She jumped up from her chair. “I hate you!”

Luke watched as Annie raced from the kitchen, down the hall and up the stairs. She slammed her bedroom door. It was the second time Annie had sought safe harbor in her tent and not in her father’s arms.

This time, Luke had no alternative actions that would give his daughter solace. He had to sell the house. Annie would have to deal with a new school and new peers. In time, she would realize that the only real change was that her circle of friends had grown larger, not smaller.

Timmy sat in his chair, fighting tears. “Will we ever move back here?”

“No, Timmy. I’m afraid we won’t. I’m so sorry this has to happen, buddy. I’m hoping we can find something in town and not have to move away. I want you to be able to go to Maple Avenue whenever you want.”

Timmy sniffed and blew his nose into his napkin.

“Does it bother you a whole lot to leave the house where your mother lived?” Luke asked.

Timmy shrugged his shoulders. “I was only four when she died, Daddy. I don’t remember her much.” Timmy scooted his chair back, gathered his Spiderman action figures and left the kitchen.

Luke sat in stunned silence. Timmy’s unhappiness had nothing to do with Jenny’s death and everything to do with the way in which Luke was treating his son. Timmy was crying over the fact that he would have to change schools. Annie was afraid she wouldn’t have new friends. His children’s fears were rooted in the present and their uncertain future.

It was only Luke who feared leaving Jenny behind.