Love Songs for the Road (15 page)

“Absolutely,” Ryan said, her voice sounding more confident than she actually felt. “I’m getting to see parts of the country I’ve never seen before, like this fascinating slice of urban Denver.” She gestured toward a multistory parking garage and faceless office building.

“Still got your sense of humor, I see.”

Ryan tried to remember everything she wanted to say to Nick, but she drew a blank. For the first time, though, she had a good look at him, and what she saw brought a smile to her lips—Marcus wasn’t here in the flesh, but his handsome face beamed at her from her ex’s XXXL T-shirt, which was so big on him, it almost looked like a dress. Nick also sported a Marcus Troy trucker cap and tour jacket. He was carrying two CDs in his hand and somehow cradled a tour poster in the crook of his elbow.

“You’re quite the superfan, there, aren’t you, Nick?”

“Yeah, I look kind of ridiculous, huh?”

“Just a little.”

Ryan had never understood the concept of men wearing sports jerseys or concert T-shirts—why would a grown man want to wear another man’s name, or image, on his back? It seemed dated and childish.

Nick shifted uncomfortably, but what was he going to do, peel off the Marcus Troy dress he was wearing and throw it up into the air? He was stuck with the freebies, at least until he and Jack (who was, surely, best friends with Marcus by now, knocking down a beer or two at the VIP bar) got back to wherever it was they were staying. Was this Marcus’s idea of a prank? “Face your fears,” he had said. She’d been hurt by Nick, and was still afraid of being hurt by him, or anyone else, again. But as she literally faced her ex-boyfriend, the fears represented by this man-child in a shapeless T-shirt dress emblazoned with the oversized MARCUS TROY logo, only made her laugh. What a gift Marcus had given her!

“What’s funny?” Nick asked.

“Nothing,” she said, though it took her another moment to stop. What was she going to tell him, that Marcus had purposely made him look silly as a kind of favor to her? “Just…us. We were in love in Montana, weren’t we? And now here we are, in Colorado, at a Marcus Troy concert. And I feel like I barely even knew you in the first place.”

“Come on, Ryan,” Nick said, taking off his cap, and at last looking somewhat adult. “We knew each other.”

Nick did have nice hair, blond and silky. But had he always been this skinny? Ryan supposed that next to Marcus, many guys would be. She just hadn’t remembered Nick as being so boyish and insubstantial. Had he changed, or had the road, had Marcus, changed her?

“Nick,” she said. “Why do you keep in touch with me?”

“I don’t know, I thought maybe we could be friends?”

They passed by a Subway, and Ryan thought it odd that this conversation she’d imagined having for so long was taking place in the most banal setting possible. They could have been anywhere. “After what you and Nat did? You think friendship’s possible, after that?”

“I guess…maybe not.” He looked at her for a moment, and for once, he looked contrite. “Ryan, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

She exhaled, and she felt as if the pain were some real, organic thing that was just now pivoting off her shoulders and taking flight to parts unknown. “I know,” she said. “You had no idea what you were doing, did you? Are you still even with Nat?”

Nick looked at her, surprised. “You haven’t talked to her?”

“Oh yeah, we’re still
best
friends.” Ryan made sure the sarcasm was unmistakable. “Inseparable.”

“Anyway, it was just a fling, Nat and me.”

“Was it worth it?”

“No, it wasn’t. I really am sorry, you know.” A second apology in two minutes, after nothing but insensitive bro talk for months?
I’ve hit the apology lottery
, Ryan thought. But did it mean anything to hear it now? She supposed it did.

“Thanks.”

“So how about you?” he asked. “Is it true what they’re saying? About you and Marcus frickin’ Troy?”

“Not a word of it,” she said, without a second thought. Nick had once been her most intimate confidante, but he’d never know Ryan’s secrets again. From now on, she’d save her secrets for someone who deserved them.

Later, as they were saying good-bye, Nick reached out to her for one last embrace, but Ryan pulled back.

“You know what?” she said. “I think I’m good. I’m over it. I’m over
you.
Really.” And after she’d said it, she realized it was true.

As Ryan walked back to the hotel, alone but happier and freer than she’d felt in as long as she could remember, she couldn’t stop smiling. Marcus Troy was so full of surprises, but she still couldn’t believe he’d dreamed this one up. How could he have known that the simple act of seeing Nick would let her see that, without knowing it, she’d already moved past him? How could he know that meeting her ex would only make her want him that much more? Marcus couldn’t have, she realized; he was just rolling the dice. But it had worked.

Not only was she done with Nick, but she wasn’t scared anymore. She could
do
a relationship, as long as her partner was confident and mature—a man.

A man like Marcus.

Chapter Twenty-One

A Kiss and a Fight

Marcus didn’t get nervous often, but the morning he was set to fly from Dallas to Los Angeles for the custody hearing, he didn’t bother trying to hide it: he was a wreck. By the time he’d kissed the kids good-bye three times and misplaced his wallet twice, even Miles had figured out something unusual was going on.

“What’s wrong with you, Daddy?”

“Nothing, buddy. I’m just going to miss you, that’s all.”

Ryan swooped in, mussed the boy’s hair, and kissed his cheek. “Your dad’s going to be back before you know it,” she said. “But we need to let him get on his way now.” Then, to Marcus, “You’d better move, huh? Doesn’t your flight take off at nine thirty?”

“Ten, actually, and the airport’s a fifteen-minute drive. I’m not worried about it.”

“You sure seem worried, Daddy,” Charlotte said.

It was true that Marcus didn’t want to leave the cocoon, the warm embrace, of the suite. It had barely been a month, and he marveled at what a perfect little unit he, Ryan, and the kids had become. They had their routine down to a science, and even the parts of his life on tour that used to be mundane and annoying were pleasant and easy with Ryan along with them. Not that he was letting Ryan do all the domestic stuff alone. In fact, he was doing more parenting on the road than he had even in Bigfork, where he’d had few obligations but had stayed out of the harsh Mrs. Janssen’s way. Her style of nannying had been anything but inclusive.

Marcus knew this moment of familial bliss with the four of them was an illusion—Ryan was going to leave them at the end of the summer, and more importantly, misperceptions about her role in his life were the cause of Bianca’s latest attempts to take the kids away—but he clung to it, anyway. He’d never had so much fun
not
being on stage during a tour, he’d never felt closer to the kids, and Ryan…well, Ryan was on his mind constantly.

The night before, she’d come back from her walk with Nick beaming. Marcus noticed right away, and for a moment he was scared that maybe the two of them were getting back together. Why else would she look so elated? She looked stronger and more confident than he’d ever seen her.

“What’s gotten into you?” he’d asked, just after they’d tucked in the kids. “You look…”

“What?” she said.

“So beautiful. So happy.” It was true. The light from the table lamp shone on her face, and her eyes sparkled. That familiar thrill shot through him, right on schedule, but maybe all along, he’d been the only one feeling that electric pulse, while she’d been feeling it for somebody else.

“Thanks,” she’d said. “I do feel happy.”

Marcus didn’t want to ask—was it because of Nick? He knew he had no right to be jealous, but a girl like Ryan deserved so much better. And when it came right down to it, if she preferred somebody else to him, he’d really rather not have known about it at all.

“That’s great, Ryan,” he said. “Really. You deserve it.”

“Thanks, that means a lot.”

He wanted to hold her in his arms, kiss her throat, take her right there in the living room, his children drifting off to sleep just on the other side of the door.

“You’re great, you know that?” he said, moving a step closer to her.

“You’re not so bad yourself.” She swallowed. “That was so great, you putting me together with Nick like that.”

“Putting you together?” Marcus laughed. “I was hoping it would be the exact opposite.”

“Oh, it was,” Ryan said. “It was.”

She went to him and hugged him, their bodies pressed tightly together, her delicious smell making him dizzy with desire. “You’re amazing, Ryan Evans,” he said.

“I want you so much right now,” she said. “If only…”

She pulled back and looked up at him, and Marcus brought his lips to hers
.
Just before the kiss became a
kiss
, they hesitated. His eyes were open because he wanted to see this moment, remember and cherish it, like a nourishing, delicious meal before a long, hard journey. Her eyes were large and luminous before him, an emerald ocean. Then, they breathed the same breath, like divers about to plunge, and with a sweet splash he tasted the tender fruit of her lips. Ryan kissed slowly at first, chastely. But she was the first one to explore his tongue with hers, and soon, that same soft moan escaped her, the one he’d heard when he’d knelt before her and kneaded her feet with his hands.

Marcus bit lightly on her lower lip; she twisted her fingers through his hair and sighed. They didn’t stop for several minutes, rocking each other back and forth like a couple of teenagers slow-dancing. They’d pull away and feel the lengths of each other’s bodies, and then would be drawn back again, their mouths and lips guiding them in that soft, gentle struggle.

“I wish you could come back to my room with me,” she said, smiling up at him.

“If not for the fact that this whole place has probably been bugged by Bianca,” Marcus said.

“Or Benjamin.”

“Or both.” Marcus laughed. “I can’t believe the rest of the world has a say in whether something like this, something so obviously good, is allowed to happen.”

“I know. It doesn’t seem fair. But…”

“What?”

“Well, if things go well for you after the hearing, maybe it
can
happen.”

“God, that would be incredible. I’d have to hit a real home run, though.”

“Well, if you hit a home run in LA, maybe you can fly back here and hit another one.”

Marcus cracked up.

“Shh,” said Ryan, laughing, too. “You’ll wake them.”

“You didn’t really just say that, did you?” he asked. “You’re too much.”

“I’m just trying to give you some motivation.”

He drew her to him again. “I like the way you think.”

But this morning, the mood was so different. Yes, kissing Ryan had given Marcus something to hope for, something to work toward. But now that he was only hours away from the hearing, all he could think about was whether his kids were about to be taken away from him, for good.

A knock on the door. “Come in,” Marcus said.

It was Serena, harried and tense, a sheath of papers under her arm and an ear pressed to the phone as she sidestepped into the room. “Marcus, can I speak with you for a minute?” She nodded toward the hallway. She knew his schedule, and how important today was for him. If she wanted a private conversation moments before he took off for the airport, good news would not soon follow.

“What is it?” he said, as soon as they’d shut the door of the suite behind them.

“You’re not going to be happy.”

“Serena, just spit it out.”

“I’m so sorry,” she said, wincing as she handed him a tablet. The browser was open to TMZ, where the lead article read, “Troy’s Daughter Confirms Nanny Love.”

Marcus’s stomach lurched. His daughter? Had someone interviewed Charlotte without his knowing it? He scanned this “article,” which was really just a few sentences under a photograph of two people holding hands. It was so blurry that Marcus had trouble even making it out, but after a moment, he realized that it was indeed a picture of himself and Ryan holding hands. This was the photo that Charlotte had snapped on the bus. It had been before that crazy evening, but when, exactly? He couldn’t recall.

He looked for the byline: it was Benjamin Little, yet again.

“Call Cynthia, please,” he told Serena. He felt guilty that he’d barked at her earlier, but if he was nervous before, he was in a full-blown panic now. “She’s going to come down on this guy with a fury he never even knew existed.” If Benjamin thought he could hack into his daughter’s phone without serious consequences, he had another thing coming.

“I’m holding for her right now.” Serena was getting almost as good at her job as Ryan was at hers. “Apparently, her flight got to LA an hour and a half ago, and she’s prepping for the hearing at her hotel.”

As Marcus reread the text below the photo, he understood what had happened, and for the first time, felt truly frightened. Charlotte had posted the photo on Instagram two days earlier, with the caption, “My dad and his new girlfriend (I hope), Ryan,” and though Charlotte’s account was under a fake social-media-only name, Benjamin had somehow been able to trace it. The photo had been public, there for all the world to see, and the fact that it was illegal for a ten-year-old to even have an Instagram account didn’t mean a damn thing. He and Bianca had discussed it months earlier. Every fourth grader in North America had an Instagram account, apparently, and Bianca hadn’t prevented Charlotte from getting one.

Marcus felt so stupid. Worse yet, he could imagine being just as irate as Bianca was going to be, had she been so seemingly careless. Now, she could tell the judge at their hearing that new tales of Marcus’s irresponsibility were becoming an almost daily occurrence, that Charlotte’s privacy was being egregiously violated, and it would be next to impossible for Marcus to refute the allegations. How ironic that for the first couple weeks of the tour, Marcus had been patting himself on the back for what a great job he’d done with Charlotte and Miles. But now, to all the world it would look like he hadn’t even managed to provide them with the most basic measures of security.

“You’re still holding?” Marcus asked Serena. She nodded. What other client of Cynthia’s could need her more than he did right now? “Two more minutes, and I’m hiring another lawyer.”

Finally, Serena handed him the phone. “Cynthia,” he said. “Talk to me. You saw it, yeah?”

“I did,” she said.

“It’s a disaster, right?”

“Well, it certainly complicates matters now that Charlotte has become an actual
provider
of content.”

Marcus knew it. He had never screwed up this badly before. Would he ever get to see his kids again? “Any ideas? I could really use one right about now.”

The lawyer paused. “Bring her,” she said. “Bring both of them.”

“Bring Charlotte and Miles? No, I don’t want the kids to get dragged into this.”

“They’ve already been dragged into this. If your visitation rights decrease, Charlotte and Miles will be affected more than anyone, am I right?”

“Of course.”

“So, let’s include their testimony.”

“I don’t know.” They’d managed to avoid pulling the then-six-year-old Charlotte into their original custody hearing, and it was a decision Marcus had been proud of. The last thing he wanted to do was put either of his children in front of a judge or force them to choose sides. That damage would never be undone.

“Marcus, I know what I’m doing here. I’m a discreet person, and I won’t make either Charlotte or Miles uncomfortable in any way.”

“But can you say that for Bianca’s attorney, too? The guy is a bulldog.”

“If you want to make this better, please, just book a flight for your kids and get your ass to LA so we can start prepping.”

“This had better not backfire, Cynthia.”

“I’ll see you in a couple hours, Marcus.”

He and Serena went back into the suite, and Marcus said, “Who wants to take a little trip?”

“Meee!” said Miles.

…

Ryan had five hours before the crew boarded the Bus of Awesome for San Antonio. With her unexpected time off, she figured, what better to do than go out for a nice, long run. If she worked out hard enough, she’d probably be tired enough to sleep through half the drive.

Since her mishap in the woods, Ryan had been staying closer to the hotel perimeter while running. She felt safe circling the towering office buildings of downtown Dallas, but in the bland, I-could-be-anywhere urban setting, she found herself pining for the woodsy trails she knew and loved back in northwest Montana. Reflecting that so much of her experience on tour had become a careful calibration of safety and risk, she yearned for the first time to be home again, back to a simpler existence where her decisions didn’t have so many implications on her life, and others’ lives, too. How did Marcus live like this? How did he take a single breath while knowing that everything he did, every decision he made, had an effect not just on his kids, but on his employees and his fans?

She hooked a right onto North Pearl Street, and started to build up speed. As her heart rate increased, she remembered the last time it had beat this hard: that incredible, hot kissing session with Marcus last night.
I made out with Marcus Troy
, she thought, a part of her still unable to stop thinking of her employer as the icon loved by millions.
And I did a whole lot more with him, too.
But he wasn’t
Marcus Troy
to her anymore—he had become simply
Marcus
, the man she could finally admit she was starting to fall for. Was she crazy? Were both of them?

Even that kiss, despite the privacy of Marcus’s suite, had been a dangerously stupid idea. What if Charlotte had woken up, wandered into the room, and taken another incriminating snapshot? What if Bianca or some overzealous reporter like Benjamin Little really
had
bugged the hotel? She and Marcus were being too careless.

In the hall, as she made her way toward the suite, eager to have a few moments to herself before boarding the bus in an hour, Jacey approached her. “Can I talk to you?” she asked.

Ryan had been doing her best to avoid the girl ever since their dust-up over the room on the first night of the tour. She didn’t have an issue with her—Marcus had told her he had no interest in Jacey, and she believed him—but she had never exactly been impressed with her either, and preferred to keep her distance.