Loved In Pieces (22 page)

He grinned at me when he returned to bed.
“
Last night was nice.
Thanks for a great prom,
mi cari
ñ
o
.”

I smiled at him and put my hand on his cheek. “But it wasn’t enough.”

He interrupted, “No, it is. I can control myself.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “With you, I can’t be just your best friend and girlfriend anymore. I have to be your lover and then wife. I miss you desperately when I’m on location, when I can’t see you. I grab my phone anytime I hear a text come in. I check my email ten times a day hoping you had some time to reach out to me, to show me that you’re thinking of me, too. I know we’re young but I’m so sure that you’re the one for me. You’re my soul mate, my everything.”

He raised his eyebrows. “I complained to the priest that drinking alcohol is okay but premarital sex with
the girl I totally love isn’t.
It makes no sense.”
Manuel paused, looking intently into my eyes, “I’m completely in love with you.
I know the industry has burned you. I know you’re afraid of sex.
I’m patient.
I really can wait.
”

My eyes were wet with tears that were not falling. These were slow tears that gave my feelings away. I honestly answered him, “I can’t lose you.
We can’t just kiss and hold hands.
”

The pain on his face was intense
and his breathing quickened. He surrendered
.
“
I love you so much,” he whispered
as he kissed my neck
. He slid
his lips along my jaw bone until his lips found mine.

I sighed, still not feeling much physical desire but definitely feeling an overwhelming love for him. I really liked how he kissed me. Manuel as my husband was a wonderful thought. “
Please
tell me what to do
.
And w
e’ll have to search my stuff packed from the trailer.”

“I’ve got that covered—wishful thinking, ya know.” He moved his lips across my cheek to my ear.  “I have to confess that I stashed a box under
my
pillow when you were getting ready
for prom
. I hope you can forgive my audacity.”

“Your Christmas present?” I laughed and it eased my anxiety.

Manuel’s stocking stuffer from Santa this past Christmas was a box of condoms tied with red string. He was furious with his mom for giving them to him. The gift note attached said, “Ho-Ho-Ho.”

“Yeah,
” he whispered. “
Ho-Ho-Ho.”

Manuel was very patient, careful, and gentle. It was nothing like making pretend love in my movies. He talked through everything, pausing
continually to check on me,
make sure I was okay
, ask what I liked, tell me what he liked
. When he couldn’t handle it anymore, he asked permission to change position
and tempo
, talking me through what was happening.
I
t didn’t hurt. Making love with him was
wonderful
. I was so happy that I made him
happy
.
I also knew he was mine
and I was his. Byron could never
surprise
me again
.

He
admitted
, “
So much for my rules; I don’t feel even a tiny bit sinful. I’
m completely in love with my girlfriend.”

I wrapped myself into him and put my cheek on his muscular chest. “I love you, too.” I relaxed into him.
Knowing my boyfriend
so well
and being in love made
it so easy
.

Manuel moved back from me to see my face, still caressing my arm from my elbow to my shoulder. He asked, “Can it be your turn now?”

“Oh, that’
s so embarrassing. Why do you have to be so direct and honest sometimes?”

“But I
want
to try,” he pleaded.
“It’s always one-sided in favor of the guy. It shouldn’t be like that.”

I looked down,
select
ing the right words. “Sometimes I think my heart is ice
.
” I tried to explain
,
“No, you can break ice. More like a diamond. I know I love you. If anyone can break through the diamond, I know it will be you.
M
aking me feel enough passion is gonna take a lot of work. I might
just be one of those girls who’
s never pleasured.”

He looked disappointed
.
“Marie, I want you to feel good
too. I can’t give you much. I
don’t have any money. I want to give you something. I want to give you
me
.”

I scrunched up my face into an embarrassed grin. “I’m afraid it might be too soon. I don’t want some pressure to, I don’t know the word,
perform
, I guess.”

“Like the summer before ninth grade
at the park
?” He laughed, remembering.

Alan was completely obsessed with me in eighth and ninth grade. He dreamt up all kinds of ways to get me to kiss him or show him my body. We
smoked pot and
played strip poker and they all lost
.
W
e
played truth or dare and I never took a dare
. W
e played spin the bottle. Instead of having to kiss Alan, as he had intended, I had to kiss Manuel. I was going t
o just give Manuel a quick kiss
and leaned forward nonchalantly to kiss his lips but our eyes met and I
stopped
. I couldn’t do it. I was
turned on
. My heart beat wildly
and body tingled
. I was completely embarrassed and my cheeks flushed. Manuel also blushed. Everyone saw.
I
fought the feelings,
leaned in and kissed his lips quickly as if I just kissed a Hollywood
h
ello. But even in that brief instant, a spark ignited my body from where our lips met.
I was on fire
with desire
.

“
Ya know
, that’s when I first
k
new I loved you, Marie. Before that I always thought of you as my sister. When we
kind of kissed
, I thought I was going to combust
. E
ven though you
kissed me hello
, it
really hurt. That summer was our last trip to Lake Powell together,
ya know
. I wanted you the whole time
, especially when we slept outside together. I memorized your face
.”

“What?
I memorized yours, too.
Ex
c
e
p
t that night, y
ou were a complete prick the whole time. You wouldn’t do anything
else
with me. You were
,
like
,
on the opposite side of the boat, spoke Spanish and German so fast that I never knew what you were saying, and you wouldn’t even swim with me and Janet. I still don’t know what I did to piss you off so much.”

“Well, I saw you naked our first night on the lake.” He laughed nervously. “You wore a red bikini that day that tore me up. I didn’t go on the evening swim because I was turned on. 
I
watched you get out of your wetsuit.
I pretended that I was sleeping when you came into our room because I didn’t want to deal with you.
Then,
I saw you get out of your
bikini
and put on your pajamas. You were
—
are
—
so
pretty
. I couldn’t handle it. I la
y
there
in pain
.

“
I talked to
Dad
about it that night after Janet went to bed. He gave me my first beer and welcomed me to the frustration of manhood. Dad told me I either had to pursue you or squelch it.
A
nything in between
would be torture
. He reminded me that we were fourteen years old, just kids. You had just finished filming those first two movies and he s
aid that was just the beginning. Y
ou’d miss tons of school and have to go to tons of events. He said that you’d get caught up in all that and would probably forget me. Dad explained that a friendship could endure but I’d get hurt if I tried for more. He threw that red bikini overboard that night.”

“I’m sorry, Manuel. I
remember
. I thought you were asleep.
You
know
, I couldn’t kiss you
for real
at
the park
because I realized I loved you, too. Looking in your eyes made my heart skip a beat
and completely turned me on
. I stopped because of the feelings, not because of performance anxiety. But by the time we went to Lake Powel
l
in August, I didn’t feel that
desire
anymore. I figured that you felt the same way, especially since you acted like you couldn’t stand me.”

“Yeah, Marie, that was a tough summer.
I pretended that I didn’t give a shit for years.
I’
m just so grateful that I was patient or you wouldn’t be here with me now. I really, really love you.”

“Why did you push me down when I kissed you
in January
?”

“That hurt, physically. I was too blindsided. I can’t handle being played with like that.
”

“Sorry. I do know that. But I didn’t want to take the risk of you not loving me.”

“Thanks for taking the risk. I didn’t have the courage to tell you
. Thank God you did.”

“Dad! Celia!” I jumped up from cuddling with Manuel while we watched TV in the living room, waiting for them.
Manuel was careful which channel he chose so I didn’t hear anything about me or see my image.
I gave them both huge hugs.

“I’d like you to meet my new boyfriend,” I chuckled.

“Hi,” Manuel said as
he bl
ushed. “Prom was a lot of fun.”

“I’m glad you had fun. Now, you be good to my girl.”
Dad
warned.

“
¡Claro!
I love her,” Manuel shrugged, embarrassed.

“Turn on the game, would ya?”
Dad
asked.

I took Celia’s hand and walked into the kitchen, smiling. She was so beautiful. Celia was my height, probably fifty pounds heavier than me
, and curvy. She’
s
African American
, with
cocoa
skin and onyx eyes. She’s warm, smart, honest and patient. She’s selfless and generous. I
could
see why
Dad
adore
d
her. I adore
d
her. I could talk with her about anything and knew that she would never betray my trust or anyone else’s. I was sure everyone she knew confided in her because she ha
d
a very mature sensibility, like that of a guru or spiritual leader. Although she was only
thirty-five
years old, she was wise.

After
Dad
divorced
Mom
,
a little less than
a year after he had moved out
, he moved back to Grandma May’s ranch in Montana. He was only there for
a few
months when he met Celia as a guest at the dude ranch. Her family had
her mother
’s memorial service there
.
Celia
was a junior professor at the Stanford University Graduate School of Business in Palo Alto, California.
We were all drawn to her because she was beautiful, intelligent
,
and
funny
. Grandma May thought
she was a ‘hoot’ and would laugh so hard at Celia’s humor that her belly shook.

I remember when I met her that week.
Mom
dropped me off for the
month
I was
to be
there that painful summer. Grandma May kicked
Dad
off of the ranch during
Mom
’s stay because May was so mad at him for dumping Mom
.
May loves
Mom
and
will always consider her
as
a
daughter
.
Mom
stayed a
little over a week
, which overlapped with Celia’s family coming to the ranch. The ranch was completely full,
so
May just had
Mom
stay in her room. Celia and
Mom
instantly hit it off: talked about psychology, their careers, their projects. They went for long walks together and shopped together in Bozeman.
They became fast friends. When
Mom
left,
Dad
returned to the ranch and met Celia for the first time.