Lovers in Enemy Territory (17 page)

She stopped. “When I was nineteen," she began, "I pledged my life to God. I made a vow. I chose that vocation of my own free will, entering the marriage with joy and happiness. In doing so, I renounced worldly pleasures. That was the sacrifice I offered to Him. It wasn’t difficult to give up the world. I rejoiced in the offering. I wanted to serve him."

“I believe you, Catherine, but do your vows and covenants prevent you from telling me the truth now? I thought one of the tenets of your faith was honesty."

"It is," she answered in a muffled cry.

"Would you tell me the truth if I asked you a question?" She didn’t answer. "Do you love me?" She didn't move. There was no sound uttered. "Catherine-- look at me!"

"I mustn't."

"Why? Because it would offend God?"

"Yes!" she cried out.

"Then you do love me," he cried aloud.

"I-I don't know," she struggled. "Yes. I love you. I love you,”

she whispered.

"Is love between a woman and man offensive to God?" His voice was softly compelling.

"No ... how could it be?"

"Will you marry me, Catherine?"

She finally looked at him. Sheer astonishment crossed her face. She opened her mouth, but the words wouldn’t come. As she shook her head, her astonishment changed to fear. He thought she was going to lose consciousness and drew closer.

"You don't think I'm going to let you walk out of my life now, do you? Not after what you've just confessed to me. God is our witness."

Her voice was almost inaudible. "You don't know what you're asking. I've already made my vows to God. When I leave Norwood, I’ll do penance while there’s still time."

"Penance? For what?" he cried out angrily. "For restoring a child to life, for filling my life with hope and love? No, Catherine! That would be a mockery to God as well. He knows what’s in your heart and mine." He swiftly covered the distance between them and drew her into his arms before she knew what was happening.

"No, Jeffrey, we mustn't," she cried, and struggled to escape from his grasp. But he held her almost cruelly tight until she ceased to offer resistance. Then he bent down and found her trembling mouth. She gasped and her lips parted as his mouth covered hers.

They were caught up in a whirling rapture which sent a voluptuous warmth through her body. She had no sense of time or place. When he felt her supple body go limp from emotion, his arms tightened to support her. "I love you," he whispered, kissing her till neither of them could draw breath.

"Jeffrey," she cried, tearing her lips from his, reeling from the pasion he brought to life in her.

"Catherine, darling," he murmured, "don't pull away from me.” He found her lips once more, unable to curb the desire she aroused in him. He was shaken by the greatest passion he’d ever known. He wanted her beyond caution. Finally she pulled back and buried her head in his neck, sobbing uncontrollably.

Jeffrey crushed her to him and they clung together for a long time. "How can Michael and I live without you?" he murmured against her hot cheek. "You’re our very heart. How can you walk out of our lives after what we've had together? It isn't possible, my darling.”

He rocked her gently. "Don't you see how desperately I want to make love to you, give you children of our own, grow old with you? I want you, Catherine," he groaned and would have kissed her again, but she broke away from his embrace, hiding her face in her hands once more. Shame and guilt consumed her.

She could hear the Holy Mother's words. ‘Treat this mission with reverence and respect and you can never doubt that God approves.’ Those words scorched her now. Her body throbbed from Jeffrey's touch, his words. She looked up at him through tears and saw the love in his eyes.

He was torn apart to see her in such torment, but he suffered as deeply as she did. He didn't want to add to her suffering, but he couldn’t help himself.

"Catherine, Michael needs a mother. No one knows that better than you. Who else on this blessed earth will he ever care about besides you? You've spoiled us for anyone else."

"Don't," she whispered. "Don't say any more," but she could see he wasn't listening.

"God spared the boy's life twice through you. Doesn't that tell you anything?"

"Yes.” She wiped her eyes and stood up. "That I was there for him by God's will, because I’d entered the sisterhood."

"But you haven't carried it to the next logical step," he broke in, his eyes blazing. "Has it occurred to you that God might have guided you to Michael, and him to you, because He knew there was another mission for you which included the union of the three of us? Can you honestly tell me you’re certain that God didn't intend you to be my wife and Michael's mother by placing you at the convent?"

The Holy Mother's words came vividly to mind. The day Catherine left for Norwood she’d said, “God has sent you this test. Remember, we don't always see each step along the rocky way, but God sees the end from the beginning and there is work for you to do. You have to find out what that work is. Right now your mission is one of an administering angel to a sick child."

Catherine stood there paralyzed, her mind in a quandary. What could she say to Jeffrey? Was it God's will she turn her back on the sisterhood to become the bride of this man? She honestly didn't know. Perhaps in time the answer would manifest itself.

"Jeffrey, I love you very, very much, but I can't give you an answer now. I must go back to the convent. This has shaken me."

He could see her white face, but her words crushed him. He'd only just held her in his arms. She was his whole life To think of her leaving. He shook his head. "I need you, Catherine. Leave the convent. Our love is holy, too."

She clasped her hands. "Jeffrey, you can't possibly know the ramifications of such a decision."

"What would you have to go through to leave the sisterhood?" The question jolted her to the quick. She paled even more. He realized that the very idea was unthinkable to her.

"I would have to lay my case before the Holy Mother," she answered in a stupor. "Then I would have to go before the Bishop. He would present it to the Cardinal who in turn would take it to the Mother General. Then I would have to ask for a special dispensation from Pius the XII."

It was much more complicated than he’d suspected since he knew nothing about such procedures.

"Would it be unbearable, darling?" he asked softly. She looked into his eyes and took a long time before answering.

"Not if I were certain it was the right thing to do. But you have to understand something, Jeffrey. If I were to leave the order before I’d received confirmation that it was God's will, I wouldn’t make you a good wife, not ever," she explained.

Jeffrey knew she was right.

"But if I should discover after I return to the convent that my place is at your side, and then stayed on in the sisterhood out of a sense of loyalty and guilt, I would offend God. That would be sacrilege."

He hung his head. Catherine was speaking truth. He had to accept it. That was what made her the woman she was, her integrity. She hadn’t refused him. She’d confessed her love for him, but he knew what a devout person she was. How could he compete with the Almighty? A sadness such as he had never known crept over him.

"Don't look like that," she begged. "Jeffrey, please--"

He raised pained eyes to her. "Catherine, I love you and I can't conceive of life without you. I don't think I could stand losing you."

"Don't say anymore."

"I must! You're going back to Castle Combe, away from me. And I have to go back to London on Monday with Michael. I'm going overseas soon. I don't know the exact date."

The news shook her to the depths. She drew closer. "Where?"

"Africa, probably, but nothing is confirmed. I can't tell you details."

She put her hand to her mouth. "Will it be very dangerous? Oh that was a foolish question. I realize anything you do means risking your life.”

He was touched by her concern. "I'm not looking forward to leaving Michael again so soon."

"Who will look after him while you're away?" The thought of the boy with Elinore filled her with a strange foreboding.

"Millie. He prefers her to Elinore. I don't understand it. She and Connie were friends, spent time together. I assumed all along that having Elinore there would be a good thing, but it wasn't. That has hurt me and Philip, but it can't be helped."

Catherine sighed with relief. "Millie is good for Michael.”

“I agree, and I'm going to put him in school as soon as we get settled in at home. There’ll be other children for him to associate with. You see?" He caressed her

cheek with his hand. "I'm following your advice." His smile was sad. "I think Michael is secure enough. I pray he is."

Catherine suddenly remembered something. "The Holy Mother called several days ago."

He raised his eyebrows. "When?"

"While you were out riding. When I told her you were still worried about Michael's dependence on me, she made a suggestion. She said that Michael could come to the convent for visits, to see me and play with the children."

"I didn't know she allowed visitors at the convent." His mind was racing ahead.

"Michael is a special case. She’s made an exception just this once because she loves the boy and wants what’s best for him."

Jeffrey looked elated at the prospect. Catherine knew what he was thinking.

"When I bring him, will you see me?" he asked.

Her mouth went dry. "Jeffrey, if you ever see me again, it will mean I’m no longer a nun.”

His breath caught. He felt a dam bursting inside. "No, Catherine.” He cupped her face in his hands. "No ... don't do this to me," he cried aloud.

She reached up and put her hands on his, unwillingly forcing them away from her. "What sense would it make if it were otherwise?" her voice shook with emotion. "You couldn't comprehend the shock this has been to me, to discover that I could form an attachment to a man.” She paced the ground. "I never thought it possible, not even in my dreams. Except for my father and brothers, I haven't had the slightest interest in men.

“I've never thought about marriage in terms of myself until the day we went to visit your friend's widow. There are no opportunities to come in contact with men at the convent. But now you’ve come into my life! These past weeks even being in the same room with you has caused me excruciating pain.

“I've had no peace, and I've begun to respond to feelings I never knew existed nor ever wanted to experience. Jeffrey-- I've felt your lips touch me, your arms hold me. Under the circumstances it would be an agony of body and soul to look upon you again if I couldn’t come to you free to be your wife, to give my love wholeheartedly, free from all restraint.

“I would suffer beyond my ability to withstand, the way I’m suffering right now. That’s why I have to go back now. I have to go back to the life I pledged myself to before I can make this tremendous decision. I love you, Jeffrey, but I love my life as a nun too. I just don't know. Can you understand that?"

He put his arms around her and drew her close. "I'm trying," he muttered against her soft skin. "Do you regret loving me, Catherine? I never wanted to hurt you."

She faced him and searched his eyes. "How can you ask such a question? You've become my other half. Any woman would be privileged to become your wife. Don't you think I know that?" she cried out, tormented anew.

Her words gave him fresh hope. "Can I write to you while you're making up your mind?" he whispered.

"No. It’s out of the question."

He closed his eyes tightly. "Will you write to me, or telephone me?"

"No."

He gripped her shoulders and held her from him. "Will you discuss this with the Holy Mother? Will you tell her I want you for my wife, that Michael and I can't live without you?"

"Oh, Jeffrey.” She sighed, "Yes, yes.”

"Everything? That you love me, too?" he shook her.

"Yes," she whispered.

"How will I know when you've made your decision?"

"Jeffrey," she pleaded. "Give me time. I don't have answers yet, but I promise I'll let you know. I promise."

"Will you give me something to remember you by?" he whispered.

"I have nothing to give," she sighed.

His hands dropped from her shoulders, his fists clenched. "I can't believe any of this is happening." He looked at her, his chest heaving. "Catherine!" He called her name and she came into his arms for the last time, unable to resist, unable to fight her own need and longing.

Time passed and still they couldn’t leave each other, clinging with a fierce desperation that wracked them both. Catherine finally found the strength to pull away. Jeffrey cradled her head in his hands and examined every flawless detail of her face. "Make the right decision, my love," he begged and hungrily kissed her lips once more.

Her eyes shone as she looked up at him. "I love you and Michael. I always will. Remember that, whatever happens." She wrenched free of his embrace and ran through the thicket.

Her last statement raised pure terror in his heart and he was rooted to the spot for many minutes.