Loving a Lost Lord (9 page)

“It may be typical, but it's very pretty,” Mariah said a touch defensively.

“Very pretty indeed,” he said, smiling at her.

She colored and turned from his gaze. She was not surprised to see exactly what she'd feared: people peering out of windows and some even finding reasons to suddenly emerge from their cottages. As the owner of the largest property in the area, her activities were of great interest in Hartley. Especially the acquisition of an unexpected husband.

First to intercept them was Mrs. Glessing, whom Mariah had met in church. The woman was the village gossip, eager to be the first with the news on any subject. “Mrs. Clarke, how lovely to see you!” She stepped into the road so that they must stop to greet her. “And this handsome fellow must be your husband? I heard he'd arrived up at the manor, and quite a tale it was about him being rescued from the sea!”

Mariah had known the story was too good not to spread through the village instantly. “Indeed he is,” Mariah said, keeping the introductions as brief as possible.

Mrs. Glessing frowned when she saw the dog. “Did that creature trouble you? It's been skulking around the village.”

“If she has no owner, we're taking her home.” Adam was polite but he showed a cool reserve Mariah hadn't seen before. He also proved to be a master at avoiding answers as Mrs. Glessing probed for information about his origins. When they took their leave, Mrs. Glessing knew no more than when she intercepted them.

Luckily, no one else was bold enough to stop them in the street, though a number of people Mariah had met in church or the shops waved at her. She smiled and nodded back but didn't stop. As they rode past the inn, the Bull and Anchor, she wondered if George Burke had left town. She certainly hoped so.

“Isn't the church handsome?” she said as they approached. “And look, there's Julia Bancroft coming out with the vicar, Mr. Williams. She lives nearby and helps out at the church regularly.”

Mariah's brows drew together as she watched her friend and the vicar together. She had admired Mr. Williams since she met him. He was kind and scholarly and devoted to his church and parishioners, and rather handsome as well. She'd thought he regarded her with special warmth, and even daydreamed sometimes about what it would be like to be a vicar's wife.

But he was not for her. He was the sort of gentleman who belonged with a woman like her imaginary sister, Sarah. Or Julia, who was laughing at something the vicar said. Mariah wondered if a quiet romantic relationship was growing between the two. Certainly Julia would make an exemplary vicar's wife.

With a mild pang, Mariah released her dreams of Mr. Williams. Though he was an admirable person, a good part of her interest had been because he was the most eligible and attractive man in the area. She much preferred Adam even though she knew nothing of his past. He may or may not be a gentleman, but it didn't matter. He was the one she dreamed about now.

Adam, who might have a wife waiting anxiously for his return.

Julia glanced up and saw them. “Mariah, how good to see you. Mr. Clarke, you shouldn't be riding yet.” But she spoke with the wry amusement of a woman who accepted that patients didn't always behave.

Mariah was grateful that Julia performed the introductions, because that spared her having to lie to the vicar. Mr. Williams smiled warmly and offered his hand to Adam. “I heard of your rescue, Mr. Clarke. Surely it was the hand of providence that spared your life and brought you home to your wife.”

“I am very aware of that.” Adam shook the vicar's hand. “I would dismount, but that would disturb the dog and she's already had a difficult day.”

Williams laughed and scratched Bhanu's floppy ears. “She's a stray who has been wandering around the village. Probably she was driven off one of the farms. She seems happy now.”

Mariah said, “Julia, could you do a quick examination of Bhanu's left rear leg? Some boys were throwing stones at her and she was limping when Adam rescued her.”

“Poor beast.” Julia gently probed the dog's leg. Bhanu yipped and drew her leg back but didn't struggle.

“I don't think the leg is broken,” Julia said after her examination. “Just bruised. She was most fortunate.” Julia pulled out a handkerchief and wiped her hands. “And I'd suggest a bath as soon as you get her home!”

“Yes, ma'am,” Adam said with a grin. “Mr. Williams, it's a pleasure to meet you. We shall see you in church this Sunday.”

As they collected their mounts and headed home, Mariah thought that she and Adam were becoming positively domestic. She wasn't sure if that was good or bad.

He stood in a vast, echoing chamber, the air perfumed with tangy scents that were exotic yet hauntingly familiar.

The darkness was choking, so thick he felt he could hold it in his hands. Then brass lamps slowly ignited around the edges of the hall. The flickering oil lights hinted at a richly decorated ceiling and walls.

He turned, trying to orient himself, and was startled to find a great golden goddess towering over him. She wore an expression of remote benevolence as she studied him. Her four graceful arms seemed entirely natural. After a long glance, she turned away, as if he were a creature of no importance. Desperate to regain her attention, he ran after her, but she dissolved into the darkness.

A flash of light caught his eye and he turned to see another huge golden figure. This time a god danced in a circle of flames, his many-armed movements a timeless balance of power and serenity. Adam tried to approach, but the god raised his arms and was consumed by blazing fire.

Adam was so small compared to these beings, a mouse among giants. As the thought formed, he saw another great golden god. This one had a human body topped by the head of an elephant with wise and ancient eyes. He had seen this being before, though he could not remember where.

Heart pounding frantically at the strangeness of it all, he fell to his knees to honor the god. But the shining golden presence also disappeared, leaving emptiness.

He climbed to his feet, aching with loss and half suffocated by the incense-laden air. Another movement caught his eye. He turned and saw a real woman who was of normal size and had normal limbs. She knelt before a cluster of lamps and mounds of brilliant flowers, but when he caught his breath, she rose and faced him. Her garments were flowing veils of vivid color and gilt embroidery that enhanced her dark-haired beauty. Seeing him, she smiled radiantly and offered her hands.

His heart bursting with happiness, he ran toward her, knowing she would fill the emptiness of his heart. But just before he reached her, he was seized in a powerful grip and dragged away. Frantically he kicked and twisted and bit to escape his captor, but he was helpless.

Helpless. The golden gods had vanished, the rich, spicy scents faded to dust,…and the dark-haired woman was gone forever.

 

Adam awoke, racked with anguish. When a raspy tongue licked his cheek, he wrapped one arm around Bhanu, grateful to have a warm, loving body in his bed. The dog must have sensed his distress.

Why had this dream made him feel such despair? Maybe because the other dreams seemed to reflect real experience, but this one came from the world of visions and hallucinations. He tried to visualize those great golden figures, their slow, sinuous movements attuned to a different rhythm of life, but the details eluded him. They were familiar, yet he couldn't remember why.

He had seen the elephant-headed being before, when he remembered a long-ago garden. And the beautiful dark-haired woman was the one in the garden and real, he was sure of it. But what was her relationship to him? She was his age or a little younger. And she was forever gone. Perhaps that was why the dream burned with a sense of loss so profound that it had shaped his very soul.

Could his amnesia be a way of concealing that loss from himself because remembering would be unbearable? Mariah was an anchor in high winds, but she knew surprisingly little about his life. She said that was because they hadn't been together long enough to learn much of each other, but he suspected that the real problem was that he had told her very little.

Had he committed a great crime? Or suffered unspeakable tragedy? If so, a blow on the head might have given him a blessed release from an unendurable past.

Feeling ill, he pushed himself up in the bed. It was deep, dark night, but he doubted he would fall asleep again. Though he closed his eyes and reached for peace, his mind was too chaotic for meditation.

He gave up trying when Bhanu lurched across his lap making whuffling noises. He scratched the dog's head. Though no more handsome than she'd been when he found her, she was now considerably cleaner. “Who said you could sleep on the bed? I believe we have discussed your sleeping arrangements and decided on the carpet in front of the fireplace.”

Bhanu gazed up worshipfully, ignoring his nonsense. The faint light from the window made her black and white face look clownish. He couldn't help smiling. While he would prefer the company of his warm and beautiful wife, the dog was much better than nothing. “Do you want to come to the library?” Bhanu's ears perked up.

“You're thinking a walk and food. It's not much of a walk, but afterward, I'll find you something to eat.” He slid from the bed and donned the warm banyan and oversized slippers, then lit a lamp and headed to the manor's library. Perhaps he could find a book that would tell him what he needed to know.

In keeping with the rest of the estate, the library showed little care or thought. There were only a few shelves of books, and those probably bought used to make a show of learning. Half were bound volumes of sermons or collections of old and uninteresting magazines. But the sheer randomness of the selection meant that possibly there might be a volume that would help him unlock the secrets of his mind. He turned up the lamp and began studying the books.

 

Mariah was on her way to the kitchen to find a late-night meal when she heard a sound in the small room that was rather grandly called the library. Wondering if Bhanu was exploring the house or yearning to be let out, she detoured there and found Adam methodically scanning the shelves by lamplight.

Raising her own lamp, she said, “Adam? Are you looking for something in particular?”

Seeing her, Bhanu bounced over and jumped up in joyful greeting. Adam merely turned, his face drawn. “I had another dream, this one of strange beings and symbols. They were familiar, as if they're part of my past, yet I can't remember.” His expression changed. “
I can't remember!
I tell myself that soon I will, that the pieces will start falling into place. By day, I can believe that. By night, it's…harder. What if I never recall my past? What if I am condemned to be always alone in my own mind?”

Until now, he'd seemed so composed about his situation that it was shocking to see the raw pain in his face. Except for a few fading bruises, he no longer looked injured. Even the head bandage was gone, because the wound was healing well. But his spirit was heartbreakingly vulnerable.

She set her lamp on the table and crossed the room to take his hands. “You might never remember,” she said gravely, “but that doesn't mean you have to be alone. Look at the memories we've created in just the last few days.”

His expression eased. “I don't know what I'd do without you, Mariah. It's frightening to imagine what it would have been like if I'd washed ashore in a place of strangers with no one to tell me my name and care if I lived or died.”

His words were both knife and chain. Though her distaste for her masquerade worsened daily, she couldn't tell him that he had indeed come ashore among strangers. He needed to believe in her.

What if he never remembered his true identity? If he didn't, and he wanted her, then, by God, she would be his wife. If he had a wife elsewhere, eventually that woman would accept widowhood and perhaps find another husband.

If Adam was doomed to be a man without a past, he was
hers.
She had met more than her share of men both eligible and ineligible, and Adam was the only one she wanted for herself. He was kind and funny and intelligent—just what she wanted in a husband. If he never recalled his identity…well, he could find a new one here.

Together they could run Hartley Manor in peace and prosperity—though she would arrange for a proper marriage ceremony. She would tell Adam that since he was in some ways a new man, they needed to renew their vows.

Embarrassed once more by the deftness of her lying, she said, “The past shapes us, but what matters is the present and the future. You still have those, and they will be what you make of them.”

“You are as wise as you are beautiful.” His gaze holding hers, he cupped her face in his hands and kissed her, his lips yearning. She responded intensely, the near darkness making it easier to express her feelings. Her man from the sea was so dear, so kind and fascinating and male. She usually thought of him as average sized, but he seemed very large and very strong as he embraced her.

Dizzily she realized that her back was pressed into the bookshelves as his hands explored her without restraint. After untying the sash of her robe, he curved his palms around her breasts. Without the armor of stays, the intimacy was as shocking as it was exciting.

Her mouth opened under his, their tongues mating. She pressed her hips against him. The hard heat of his body was alarming, yet as alluring as a siren's song.

Daring, she slid her hands inside the banyan. His body heat burned through his nightshirt as she stroked his beautifully muscled back. She had been kissed more than once, and sometimes welcomed it, but desire had never threatened to burn out of control. Until now. She wanted to draw him into herself, meld into one flesh.

“I want you so much, my exquisite wife,” he whispered before pressing his mouth to her throat. She moaned, her nails digging into him. When his hand slipped under her nightgown and moved up her thigh, she almost melted on the spot. A man's embrace had never affected her like this, never like this.

If he were to draw her down to the cold and dusty carpet, she would welcome him gladly. But before that could happen, Bhanu reared up against them both, whining for attention. Mariah gasped and pulled away as she remembered all the reasons they shouldn't become intimate. Not least of which would be explaining why she was a virgin. “I…I'm sorry,” she whispered. “I can't do this. Not now.”

Adam reached to embrace her again, then stepped back, his hands clenching. “Are you afraid of me, Mariah? Or is it that you don't want me?”

She gave a choke of hysterical laughter. “You can't believe that I don't want you, not after that! How can I be afraid when you have been all that is kind and understanding? But…to me, it still seems too soon. Perhaps when you know me better, you won't want
me.
”

“Impossible.” He touched her hair, then trailed his hand down her body, leaving a swath of fire in its wake. “I feel that I know you deep in my soul. But…not so well here and now.” His hand dropped and he gave her a crooked smile. “When my blood cools, I will certainly agree that you're right. But it is hard to be reasonable just now.”

He wasn't the only one having trouble with heated blood! She retied her robe. “Food would be good. I'm sure that's what Bhanu wants, and I was heading to the kitchen when I heard you in here. Shall we see what we can find in the pantry? Mrs. Beckett keeps it well stocked.”

He laughed and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “A splendid idea. If one appetite can't be satisfied, feeding another is a good cure.”

She blushed but enjoyed the weight of his arm around her as they headed down to the kitchen, Bhanu scampering ahead. “What were you looking for in the library?”

“I hoped there might be a book with images of the beings I saw in my dreams.” He sighed. “It was a long shot, but I thought worth trying since I couldn't sleep.”

“I haven't found the library useful for anything except pressing flowers,” she said. “Hot soup from the pot kept simmering on the hob will help you sleep.”

“That sounds good.” He gave her a slanting glance. “It would help even more if you'd share my bed.”

She stopped, wary. “I thought we agreed that now was not the time.”

“I don't mean to be together as lovers,” he said softly. “But I would like nothing better than to rest with you in my arms.”

She thought of being enfolded by his warm, hard body and smiled. Sweet sister Sarah would have said no. But Mariah simply wasn't that virtuous. “I'd like that, too.”

She would like it a
lot.