Loving Ean (The Fae Guard Book 2) (5 page)

“I can’t do this, Laila.” I’m confused and I know he can see it on my face, but still, I see nothing from him.

“Can’t do what? You don’t have to do it alone, Ean. I can—”

“Us. I can’t be with you.” I’m stunned, sure that I’ve misheard him. He couldn’t possibly have said . . . “I don’t have the time or strength to focus on a relationship with you.” There is a tight undercurrent in his words, if I didn’t know better; I would think he was lying. But, Ean would never cross that line, especially not after what happened. “I need to put everything into my job; I have too many people counting on me to add you into the mix.”

My heart prickles with tiny shards of pain, but I remain calm, determined to make him see that his belief is wrong. “We’re fated, Ean.” I step toward him and he practically flies up from the couch and across the room.

“You know as well as I do that I have a choice. Being fated does not bind me to you without my consent, and I’m taking a different path, choosing not to be with you.”

The prickles become knives and my heart is sliced and shredded. But the pieces are still clinging together with my last vestiges of hope. “Ean, I understand what you’ve been through, we can work through this.”

I didn’t think it was possible, but Ean’s face hardens further, the blue of his eyes taking on a slivery glint, like steel. He barks out a sound that I suppose was intended to be a laugh, but there is no humor in it. “Laila, how could you possibly have any understanding of what has happened?” He shakes his head and his gaze turns cynical. “You were in the field for what—a decade?”

Another slice.

“You’re an incredible instructor, Laila. They say you’re the best we’ve had in centuries.” His eyes soften just the smallest amount, but it doesn’t instill any optimism, he has more to say and the knives are waiting to make their final move. “Being in the training facility and preparing Fae for the world they must face is nothing like being out there. You couldn’t handle the harsh demands on your body and your mind. You are everything that is sweet and good, Laila. You can’t help me because there is no way for you to comprehend what I’m dealing with.”

Slice.

“Without the power and strength to be out there, fighting the evil instead of the idea of it, you are vulnerable. I can’t protect you and do my job. You’re not what I need. And certainly, the last thing you need is to be tainted by someone so jaded and broken as me.”

The last knife is shoved into the muscle hanging so precariously and my heart stops beating. I stop living because my world has just been shattered. He thinks I’m weak, that I don’t have what it takes to be his partner, his fate. How could I not have realized all the subtle signs that he believed I was fragile? In this moment, without the sound of my pulse, I gain a clarity that wasn’t there before. I see all the evidence in his actions, ones I assumed were because I was precious to him rather than the reality, which is that he sees me as breakable. I wonder if I’ve done the right thing with my life. If I’d turned down the opportunity to teach, would I be enough for Ean now? Would he see me as an equal? The thoughts are quickly wiped away. No, I’m doing what I was destined for. I have never second guessed my decision and I won’t let Ean fill my mind with doubt, however unintentionally.

I don’t even entertain the idea of arguing with him and trying to prove his ridiculous assumptions false, I can see that it would be useless. He won’t let me in, so he’ll have to help himself, find his own way out of the guilt-ridden existence he has banished himself to. I simply nod and walk to the door, but before I shut the door behind me, I pause and study Ean. He is no longer standing erect and rigid by the window. His body is slumped and curved into itself, one hand rests on the window for support and his head hangs forward dejectedly.

“Ean,” I call his name softly and wait for him to turn and lift his eyes, meeting my stare. There is such anguish in them, it grips me tight, flooding my every cell with desolation. I don’t know if it’s because we are fated, or because I am bound to him by my love, but I know that the emotions I’m feeling are his. I’ve never felt the connection between us so acutely and I hope that it goes both ways. I grasp every little bit of love I have inside of me, surround myself in it, and pray that he will comprehend the depth of it. I watch for a spark, something that will tell me he is comforted by what I feel for him. I’m staggered when I see the misery grow before it’s snuffed out and the barrier once again drops between us. Was I wrong? Was he unable to feel it?

Ean’s voice breaks through my reverie, “I felt it, Laila. But, it’s wasted on me. Give it to someone else.”

My broken heart still hasn’t healed and each day that passes, the burning candle of hope I have that he will come back to me is slowly being snuffed out. After several more months, I wonder how long it will last before I give in and seek out Fate to find another destiny.

I walk to the corner of the room and gather my things, but suddenly find myself grabbed around the waist and twirled in a circle, my legs flying out like pinwheel. I let loose a shout of laughter as I get dizzy from Brannon spinning us around. “Laila! I’m taking you out on the town tonight, doll!” He sets me down and smacks my cheek with a kiss, prompting even more laughter. Putting his hand over his heart, he gives me a wounded expression. If I didn’t see the mirth dancing in his eyes, I might have believed my reaction hurt his feelings. “You’re laughing? When I worked so hard to get the courage up to ask you on a proper date?” He reaches out and snatches my hand, then yanks me into his arms. “Laila, I know you want me for my body. But, I have a brain, you know. I’m the whole fucking package.” The wounded look gives way to a ridiculous grin and he waggles his eyebrows up and down suggestively.

I put both of my hands on Brannon’s face, giving him a serious stare, before speaking low. “Brannon, I wouldn’t take you for granted. At least,” I tap his temple lightly, “not this head. As for the other.” I slide my hand down all the way to the waistband of his pants. “I’m afraid that I’m going to need some proof that this ‘package’ is all that you claim it to be.” I emphasize my words by pulling the elastic band and letting in snap back into place. He yelps and jumps back slightly and before we know it, we fall against each other laughing.

“What the fuck is going on here?” Ean’s irate question breaks through our chuckling, and with a mock look of horror, we snap up straight, and then turn to face him like good little soldiers.

“Sir. Yes, sir!” I snort at Brannon’s response and slap my hands over my mouth to muffle a fit of giggles. Ean is looking between us, a dark mask of anger on his face, and I’m not able to keep from rolling my eyes at his ridiculous reaction.
Ok, so maybe I didn’t try that hard to contain it.
He’s effectively chased away my good humor and irritation takes its place. “What does it look like, Ean?” I bite out. “Oh, right. This is foreign to you now. Well, let me explain. This,” I throw out a fake laugh, “is what the muscles of the face look like when a person is amused.”

Brannon is shaking next to me and when I finish my little speech, he drapes an arm around my shoulder and leans into me. Glancing at him, I realize he is using me as support so that he doesn’t fall over from the laughter he is holding in. My face cracks a smile and I shake my head before looking back at Ean, whose expression has gotten even darker as he stares at Brannon’s arm. This is absurd. I cock my hip out and cross my arms underneath my breasts, not the least unaware of the effect it will have on Ean. Sure enough, like magnets, his eyes make their way to my chest, before flicking up to meet mine, then away to look anywhere but at me. For just that brief moment, I think I see regret flash in his eyes, but maybe it’s simply what I wanted to see.

“Did you need something, Ean?” I ask, casually. His eyes go to Brannon’s stance at my side again, lingering on the arm slung about my shoulders. His eyes turn to a shade of steel blue as he shutters them, extinguishing whatever emotion was glinting in their depths.

“Brannon, you up to going to Rock Falls?”

Rock Falls is a local watering hole, run by a half who grew up in Canada. I’d trained Phin, but he’d decided that The Guard wasn’t his calling. Instead, his bar is the most popular hangout in Mivo, our city. However, it wasn’t unusual to see people trekking in from other parts of Rein on a Friday night. Phin and I had stayed close and I had a permanent stool at the bar that always seemed to open up when I arrived. I used to spend a lot of time there with the boys, but Ean hadn’t only distanced himself from me, so I am surprised to hear him inviting Brannon out.

“No can do, brother. I’m taking short-stuff here out for a night of possibilities.” Brannon takes his arm off of my shoulder and brings it down to my waist, giving me a squeeze. I cringe mentally when I see Ean’s jaw clench tight and his eyes darken with rage. Ok, time to diffuse the situation before Ean breaks Brannon’s face with his fist. I quickly step out of Brannon’s embrace and see Ean relax just a fraction.

“Let’s go, Casanova.” Then I whack Brannon on the back of the head, “and don’t call me short or you’ll be joining the little people when I break your legs.” I give him a fake evil grin, “Besides, we both know I’m training to be a cage fighter.”

Brannon chuckles and shakes his head, “Napoleon, nice.”

I wink at him and start to walk away, but pause when I notice Brannon hasn’t caught up with me. Ean has caught his arm and stopped him. He says something to him, but it was quiet and I’m too far away to hear it. Brannon rolls his eyes and says something back before jogging over to join me. “What was that about? Pistols at dawn?”

Brannon flashes his dimples at me and chuckles. “Nah. We’re going to meet up with everybody at Rock Falls after dinner.”

My eyebrows rise at his revelation. “Everybody?”

Brannon’s grin drops for a moment, then he plasters it back on, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Yeah.”

Brannon fell for another of our friends, Hayleigh, the moment he met her, but she’s been keeping him at arm’s length and refusing to commit to a relationship. I know he’s hurting, but he keeps it well hidden under his smiles and bright attitude.

If everybody is going to be there, that means Hayleigh too. “Well, aren’t we a pair?” I joke and shove him playfully.
A pair of heartsick fools.

Tonight ought to be interesting.

FOR THE TWENTIETH TIME
tonight, I wonder what the hell I’m doing. Torture is not on my list of favorite activities and yet, here I am, about to put myself through self-mutilation once again.

When I got to the training room and saw Laila’s hands trailing down Brannon’s chest, I was a breath away from putting him in the fucking hospital. The rational side of me knew Brannon would never start something with Laila, but I’ve never been very clear headed when it came to her. Seeing his arm around her as they laughed made me see red, my anger tinged with jealousy. After Laila walked away, I’d grabbed his arm and asked him what the fuck he thought he was doing taking my girl out? His quiet reminder that she wasn’t mine didn’t dampen the roiling emotions inside me, but I outwardly calmed down and told him to meet up with a bunch of us at Rock Falls after their ‘date.’ Brannon’s head fell back, frustration marring his boyish features, but when he lifted it back up, he simply nodded at me, and left without comment.

So here I am, sitting at the bar, nursing my second beer, and trying not to watch the door. Hayleigh and Kendrix left me to brood alone and went to play a couple games of pool. Brannon is the only one who truly knows what happened between Laila and me, but it’s hard to miss the tension between us. We’d been friends for so long, and then we just . . . weren’t. I’d always been closest with Aden, but I certainly couldn’t talk to him about it. I was a little surprised he hadn’t already become suspicious considering the tight relationship they have. Being Laila’s brother, I’m pretty sure I would have just barely escaped with my life when I broke her heart. I’m not sure my lifelong friendship with Aden, and the honesty ingrained in us would have saved me. Even if I’d told him I wasn’t good for her, that she would be better off without me.