Loving Mr. Daniels (17 page)

But that was wrong, right?

What was wrong with me?

I thought without interacting in an intimate setting that my feelings would tail off. But they didn’t. They only grew each and every time I saw her step foot into my classroom. Sometimes I would catch her walking in with Ryan and the way she would smile when she spoke to him made me feel as if I were floating. Her smiles were addicting, and I wished they’d been created for me.

I hated that I couldn’t tell her how beautiful she looked each and every day. I hated that, when she walked into my classroom, I had to pretend that she wasn’t on my mind. I hated that she wouldn’t participate in class discussions, even though I knew she had all the right answers.

I hated how my other students looked at her. How they lusted after her. How they mocked her. How they bullied her. I hated that she mourned her sister’s death—by herself. I hated that she felt alone but never really showcased it.

I hated how much I missed her lips. Her laugh. Her smile.

I hated how close we were but how distant we felt.

I loved how beautiful she looked each and every day. I loved that, when she walked into my classroom, she was on my mind. I loved how she wouldn’t participate in class discussions, even though I knew she had all the right answers.

I loved how, when I graded her papers, I wasn’t biased. She was simply a genius. I loved how, when I went on runs, she joined me in the front of my mind. I loved how sometimes I would catch her in class staring at me with wonderment.

I loved how she ignored the other students’ insults. How she didn’t let the bullies win. How she didn’t falter. I loved how she was effortlessly beautiful. How she always wore dresses that hugged her, even though covering up might have helped shut the assholes up.

I loved that she wore the dresses because they were her twin sister’s. I loved how she honored her sister’s memory with such simple gestures. I loved how she walked with confidence, even though she was nervous.

I loved how she moved. How she stood. How she sat.

I loved how distant we were but how close we felt.

What can I do to show how I feel?

From the beginning to the end, we are real.

~ Romeo’s Quest

I was pretty pleased with myself. Even through the guys at school were hitting on me while they mocked my body, I ignored them. I ignored the rumors that started about me sleeping around (quite quickly, might I add.) I smiled at Daniel sometimes to make him realize that we didn’t have to be weird about the situation (even though I really wanted to cry, might I add.)

I was doing okay. Instead of drowning in a land of depression, I decided that picking up a library card would be a better choice. Drowning myself in make-believe seemed more promising. I traveled to the library every afternoon, walking in the warm sun right after school and returning home when the moon was high.

One morning before school, Hailey was brushing out her hair and she sat her brush down. “Theo asked me out again.”

I turned to her, disgusted for her. She hadn’t spoken about him in the weeks since the party. “What an asshole,” I muttered.

“Yeah.” She paused. “I’m thinking about saying yes.”

My eyes widened. “You’re kidding?”

She wasn’t. I watched her head fall to the ground and her shoulders slump. “I’m not like you, okay? I don’t have guys throwing themselves at me—let alone looking at me. Theo’s my only shot at a relationship.”

“The people ‘throwing’ themselves at me are total dicks. Trust me. You don’t want that. Plus, you’re seventeen, not eighty-three. There will be other guys.”

She paused, rolling my comment through her brain. I sighed when I watched her shake her head. “He apologized. For what he did with Lia.”

“You can apologize for punching someone, but it doesn’t stop the bruising.”

“Did you read that from one of your books?” she snickered.

“Hailey…”

She pulled out a small bag with pills in it. “He wants me to try these. He said if we have something in common, then we might work out better.”

I stared at her as if she had lost her damn mind. “He wants you to take drugs to be closer to him?”

“Are you a virgin?”

I rubbed my fingers against my temple and shook my head. Her question had come out of left field. It was hardly after six a.m. and we were talking about drugs and sex. I definitely needed a cup of tea.

“No. My last boyfriend used me until he found something new.” I paused and thought about Billy and how he’d made me cry.

“Were you scared?” she whispered.

Terrified.

“I was sixteen. When I was younger, I was pretty stupid. Not in an over-the-top way, but in the normal ‘I’m a kid and don’t know anything about life’ type way. I slept with Billy, thinking that meant he loved me. It was scary, painful, and not in the least romantic. So we did it again and again. I hoped I would grow to like it because I loved him…

“Then, I found out he was doing the same thing with Susie Kenner. My sister Gabby would sit next to me in my bed, playing her guitar while I cried, telling me that Billy was a monstrous prick who probably had a small penis. She was right about his small penis. It was pretty nonexistent.”

Hailey laughed lightly. “Then what happened?”

“Billy called me afterwards, telling me that he missed me a lot and that he was interested in working out our problems, but I couldn’t even stop crying through his phone call. I told him I loved him, and he said he liked me well enough to make it work. All I would have to do was let him touch my breasts every now and then and have sex whenever his parents weren’t around. My sister told me that I shouldn’t go back to him, because he really didn’t like me, but he was more interested in the size of my chest than the size of my brain. And Gabby promised me that the size of my brain was worth being interested in.”

The room filled with silence as I stared down at the carpeted floor. “Hailey, the size of your brain is worth being interested in.”

Her sigh was almost soundless. “She sounded like a great person, your sister.”

“The best,” I softly spoke. “Just think about it, all right? With Theo?”

She promised she would. But I saw the look of hope in her eyes when she spoke about him. I had the same hope when I went back to Billy, thinking it would be different. It wasn’t. Mom used to say, “Leave the past behind you so the future can find you.” That was my favorite saying of hers. After Henry cheated on her, she’d struggled to leave her past behind. But she finally had when she found Jeremy.

“How many more things on your bucket list have you checked off?” Hailey asked, changing the subject.

I blinked. “Just two.” And in an instant, Daniel’s lips were running across my mind.
Kiss a stranger.
I blinked again, erasing his memory.

Hailey held her hand out to me. “Let me see the note.”

Moving to my dresser, I picked up the letter and laid it in her hands. She opened it up and read it. “Hmm…” she said to herself, darting her eyes. “Number fourteen has already been checked off. ”

“What is it?” I asked, feeling myself growing a little eager.

“Make a new friend.” She smiled.

“You’re my friend?” I asked quietly, not knowing exactly what to say.

Hailey laughed. “Well, if I’m not, then this is very awkward.” She nodded once. “Of course I’m your friend. The way you stood up for me a few weeks ago… The way you still hate Theo… I think that’s friendship.” I smiled wide and she bumped me in the shoulder. “Where’s this note?!”

I moved over to the treasure box and quickly thumbed through the envelopes. Upon finding the letter, I read the front and sighed. It said in Gabby’s handwriting that this letter wasn’t for me—it was for the new friend. How had I not noticed that before? I ran my hands through the other letters, and lo and behold, they weren’t all addressed to me. My heart and lips frowned together.

I placed it in Hailey’s hands and shrugged. “It’s for you.”

“Me?” She was taken aback by the idea that I wouldn’t be the one to read the words. Yet I trusted Gabby. I knew she had some kind of logic behind her mind. “I can pick another number on the list,” Hailey argued. “We aren’t really friends anyway,” she joked.

I laughed. “Yeah, Hailey. We are.”

“Well, stay here. We’re going to read it together.”

#14. Make a Friend

Dear Friend,

I hope it is alright that I address you in such a manner. I figured if you are a friend of Ashlyn, then you are a friend of mine. I wish we had a chance to meet under better circumstances, but the whole dying thing really puts a damper on my ability to make a great first impression.

So what I want to say is thank you. Thank you for befriending a girl who is probably very broken but at the same time so amazingly perfect. Thank you for befriending a girl who is probably a little different and quotes too many books. Thank you for befriending a girl who doesn’t talk about her feelings a lot, but trust me, she feels everything.

Thank you for being there for her.

So now, I promise you that I’ll be there for you, too. I don’t know how. And I probably shouldn’t make those kinds of promises…yet just know that when you see the winds whistling through the flowers, that’s me thanking you and hugging you during your darkest days.

Thank you, friend.

You’re doing great.

~ Gabrielle

Hailey folded the note up and sighed. “I really like your sister.” The way she said ‘like’ as opposed to ‘liked’ made me feel as if Gabby were still here. That feeling stayed with me like a warm glow of happiness from knowing that a part of Gabby had never left. With these letters, she’d somehow fought death. Somehow she’d survived.