Loving Sarah (37 page)

“I see you finally get my meaning, woman. What I feel for you goes far beyond what people outside of this room could perceive. Our sons may not have survived, but Sarah, I am thankful to God that you did and are still with me, because I don’t want to think of a future without you in it.”

She swiped at the tears that began to pool in her eyes, forcing herself to stop. He loved her. She was over-the-moon happy because she needed to know that he still wanted her and loved her, even though she might never be able to provide him with the heir he would need.

He rolled her onto her back and began to trace his fingers over and around her hardened nipples. Her breath caught in her throat. She closed her eyes as she concentrated solely on the exquisite sensations he caused by his mere touch. When she moaned, Ian chuckled then raised himself over her and began loving her with his mouth, tracing kisses from her forehead, temple, and cheek, down her shoulder, breasts, and even lower still, dipping into her navel before continuing down even farther.

“Ian, no!” This wasn’t proper! Even as her mind fought the idea of what he was doing, her body gave in to his intimate touch. He seemed so familiar with her body that likely they had done this before. And she hoped it was on more than one occasion! “Oh, Ian.”

He raised his wicked gaze to meet hers. “Oh, Sarah, yes.” His fingers delved into her wetness and parted her before his tongue darted out to touch her.

He
had
done this before, she remembered. As she relaxed, she let herself fall into the most intense vortex of pleasure she’d ever known, letting herself be carried away on a wave of pure sensual ecstasy. She sighed with pleasure as a tight coil began to wrap even tighter within her as he relentlessly drove her closer and closer to breaking. Shattering.

Then she did. Her very soul fragmented into millions of tiny pieces of being, only to be united when this man, her husband, slid over her and entered her.

Ian forced himself to go slowly, holding himself back so as not to hurt her. He wanted so much to just drive into her hard and fast and lose himself in her welcoming heat. But he couldn’t. After what she’d gone through, if he acted upon his baser instinct he’d perhaps harm her, then she could possibly fear lovemaking. He remembered the physician’s words and knew the man had been correct. This was probably the most important act of manhood, making love to a woman after she’d suffered the loss of a child, and, in their case, children. He had to take his time. And for her, he
would
.

Once fully inside, he held himself still until she relaxed her muscles, which had tightened in anticipation. She sighed and shifted beneath him, and as she tilted upward to meet him, he began to move, gently, thoroughly, yet ever so slowly. He brought his lips down on hers and whispered tender endearments and encouraging love words in between deep, soul-stirring kisses.

Before tonight, he’d never wanted to hold back his passion once he’d started on the quest for release. But now he wanted to. He wanted to give her more memories, new memories to erase the old, those that he wasn’t proud of. He wanted these to be what she’d always remember when she thought about their lovemaking.

The moment he’d realized he loved her, everything changed for him and his life became less about what he wanted and more about what they could achieve together. He had known this before Lucky told him she was carrying his child. It came to him during the long hours alone with his thoughts as he stood at the wheel or lay in his hammock trying to sleep.

Ian was on the verge of losing himself within her. He felt Sarah nearing her climax as her body tightened around him and her breathing became shallow and labored. Several slow, deep thrusts later, he led her over the edge and they dove over together, and nothing ever felt more right.

Moments later, he eased himself off and lay on his side next to her, pulling her languorous form into the curve of his body. He held her close, her head resting on his upper arm, and her feet entwined with his.

“Was it always this good between us?” Sarah rolled onto her side and watched his expression.

He decided now was not the time to tell her all the details of their intimacy. Even though he might have said some insensitive things to her in the past, their loving was always this good. “Yes. It was.”

“I thought so. That was so…wonderful.” She mumbled something unintelligible in her half-slumber.

“I didn’t understand a word of what you said, but know that I will miss you while I am away, wife.”

She sighed, then said softly, “I said, maybe that will entice you to hurry home.”

H
er husband sailed to Aberdeen two weeks later, just days after seeing Lucky off on his trip to Halifax and Baltimore. The first few days Ian was gone passed slowly for Sarah, even with her new daughter occupying her time. Already a few weeks into the Season, and she felt out of place in town for the first time ever. What few invitations she did receive were from connections to both of her sisters, as she noticed that her friends from the past few years had, as Ian once predicted, distanced themselves. This was when she decided she wanted to go to Greenwood, the home she’d inherited from her mother, because she had no desire to remain in London for now.

So she began instructing the servants to make arrangements for their transfer to Surrey. Ian could hardly argue that the country air was not more beneficial to Maura. When he returned from Aberdeen, they would go together to their new home in the country.

On the morning of the fourth day, she had the most marvelous idea and sat at her
secretaire
to compose a letter to the Earl Mackeever, inviting him to stay the summer with her and his great-granddaughter at Greenwood beginning at his earliest convenience. She didn’t tell him that his grandson, her husband, would also be in attendance. And she would not tell Ian of the Earl’s arrival either, for he’d likely find an excuse to be away.

Sarah thought it was long past time for their feud to come to an end, and she was making it her mission to see it happen.

She knew she couldn’t keep Ian tied to her side and had accepted the fact that his life was building his company. She loved him, and as his partner in this marriage, she determined her position was to support him in his endeavors. Sarah had to suffer through his absences so that one day he’d not have to leave the family. It was what her brother had done early on, though later he’d stayed home with his wife, managing his business interests from his London office.

A lump grew in her throat at the thought of his leaving her alone. She loved him and wanted to be with him always. With all of the meetings he’d had with his solicitors before leaving, Sarah hadn’t the opportunity to tell him. Of course, she’d have to wait until the time was right before she revealed to him these newly discovered feelings.

Most days, she had her sister, sister-in-law, and nieces close by to help her with all of the decisions thrust upon her by the arrival of Maura Luchina Ross-Mackeever. A few close friends came to wish her well and visit the new arrival to the family. But it seemed to Sarah that every matron, and even the young married women, were more reserved in their congratulations than she’d seen in the past. She wondered if it was because news of her miscarriage had spread through the ton or if they felt sorry for her presuming she was now unable to give Ian the heir he needed for the continuation of the title.

While this upset her for a short while, Sarah soon forgot about them as she played with her new daughter. Maura was like sunshine to a flower. No one could stay in a down mood around her. She would naturally draw Sarah into her imaginary toddler games and the entire world could cease to exist outside the walls of her nursery. Her daughter was such a happy, curious child—unless she was hungry and a meal was not within easy reach. According to Lia and Elise, this was much like Sarah had been as an infant and small child.

“I haven’t grown out of it either,” Sarah confessed. “I
still
get irritable when I’m hungry and cannot get my hands on something to hold me until dinner.”

“I don’t know how you ever managed to remain so tiny with that enormous appetite you’ve always had,” Elise replied as she poured them some tea one afternoon after laying the baby down for her nap. The three of them sat in the morning room in the Mayfair house, awaiting the arrival of her new interior designer to show her his sketches of her daughter’s room that she was having redone.

Elise clarified, “According to the ladies, you got that from your mother. She was petite as well, with an enormous appetite.”

“Speaking of the ladies,” Sarah said, as Lia took the vacant seat next to her on the settee, “I received a reply from them yesterday, stating they are both eager to join me for the summer at Greenwood. It will be good to get away from town for a while.”

“I know you are sad because of the lack of visits from among your group of friends, but they likely do not know how to approach someone after such a tragic event.” Lia was doing her best to be reassuring, and Sarah loved her all the more for it. “I do believe things will all smooth over in time. Besides most people do not even know the truth of what has taken place. The ones who do know are the ones who matter to you and our family. And we are all thrilled that you and Ian now have Maura. So you have nothing to fear.”

“The other day Lady Burton came to see me about two riding horses for herself and her daughter. She said she heard your good news about Maura, then she mentioned something you might be interested in hearing.”

Sarah and Lia both turned curious looks to Elise.

“Lady Burton said that she had a friend many years ago who had difficulty conceiving, and after many years of trying, she and her husband had adopted an infant girl from an orphanage. Well, the new babe had been in their home less than one year before her friend became with child. So after all those years, her friend had finally delivered her husband an heir.”

Sarah wanted to cry, even though her situation was not completely similar. It wasn’t that she had trouble conceiving. Her problem had been carrying through to delivery. She said as much to her sisters.

“But, dear, don’t you see?” Lia patted her hand as the two sat side-by-side on the settee. “There is always hope. Do not be discouraged.”

“Yes,” Elise said, “Prescott said the only reason he saw for your miscarrying was the fact that you carried twins, and you are so very petite.” She hugged Sarah. “He said there was nothing physically preventing you from having more children. Perhaps another pregnancy will result in a healthy child.”

“As women, it’s all we pray for,” Sarah said.

“I’ve always said that stressful situations during pregnancy should be avoided at all costs,” Lia said. “And remember the amount of stress you had when you were pregnant…what with wondering if Ian would accept a babe after saying he didn’t want children.”

“That reminds me of something I wanted to ask,” Elise began, and when she lifted her gaze to Sarah’s, she paused.

Sarah finally recovered enough to say through the tears knotting her throat, “He didn’t want children.” She choked, the memory flooding back. Her head began to hurt, and her chest felt as though it were in a tightening vise. Air. She needed air.

“Sarah, what is it?” Lia asked. “You’ve gone pale.”

“Is it another memory?” Elise asked.

She inhaled deeply, as though starved for breath. Through the rush of emotion flooding her she choked out, “He didn’t want to marry to me. He’d gotten drunk. And they forced him to marry me. Then at the end of the race, after I thought we’d settled into what I assumed was a companionable relationship, he said he did not want children.”

“That blackguard,” Elise said, wrapping her arms around her little sister.

“Elise,” Lia scolded, as she came to Sarah’s side. “Take a slow, deep breath, Sarah. Calm down. All is well now, as Ian obviously loves you.”

“He hasn’t
said
he loves me. And he will one day be Earl and will need heirs,” Sarah whispered through a clenched throat, “of his own blood.” She desperately fought for a breath of air, and once she was able, she choked out, “I cannot give him that.”

“You cannot be certain that he plans anything of the sort,” Lia stated. “The man I saw return from China was a far different Ian than the one you describe.”

Sarah nodded. “That is why I do not understand. Why his change of heart?” She brought her hands to her face to wipe her cheeks. If they only knew how kind and gentle he’d been when he loved her just days ago, how he held her so tenderly afterward when he’d told her he would miss her. If they only saw the way he looked when he held Maura and how he beamed with pride when the baby extended her arms out for him to lift her from the cradle.

What had changed? He left for China the year before not knowing of her condition and after telling her he did not care to have children.

She suddenly felt sick to her stomach and fled the room.

T
hree days later, she and all of the necessary staff left for Greenwood Manor, as it would now be her home. Sarah left specific instruction for the remaining staff at the Mayfair house: they were not to inform his lordship as to her location. Craggins, though saddened by the turn of events, agreed.

Lia and Elise had agreed with her decision to leave town more for the solitude afforded by the country. Lia agreed to stay behind in London to await Ian, while Elise accompanied Sarah to Greenwood for a few days to help her get settled into her new home.