Lucca (20 page)

She hesitated, then said Strindberg must have had problems with women. He smiled, but not patronisingly. That was true enough, but it was not true to say he hated them. He was afraid of them, which was something else. If anything it was a particularly virulent case of unhappy love, he smiled. Strindberg was a deserted child who as an adult cursed the mother's womb that had exiled him. Incidentally, all artists were deserted children. He looked at her. ‘Your mother was your friend, but the woman was your enemy . . .' he said slowly, as if to emphasise every word. He smiled again. Yes, it was banal, of course, but that's how it was. That was why the Captain was so bewitched by
the power of motherhood. And that is why, said Harry Wiener, he breaks down, because he doesn't know for certain that he is your father.

Lucca jumped. She had forgotten she was sitting on his balcony only because she was going to play the cavalry captain's daughter. Harry Wiener took a mouthful of tea. This time he did not slurp. Doubt over paternity is the oppressed woman's only possible revenge in a patriarchal universe, he said, putting down his cup. But it was not the only cause of the captain's suffering. He also suffered because, in Strindberg's universe, life and the ability to pass it on belonged to the women and to them alone. Why do you think he paraphrases Shylock? he asked. For a moment she forgot who Shylock was, but he did not expect her to answer.

‘Hath not a man eyes?' He leaned forwards in his chair, the bamboo creaked as he stretched out his hands in an appealing gesture. ‘Is he not warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer as a woman? If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh?' He let his hands drop into his lap and leaned back. Shylock had to argue for his humanity because he was a Jew, an outcast, and the Captain had to do likewise. You could go so far as to say that to Strindberg men were biology's Jews, its wandering homeless. ‘In the midst of the moonlight . . .' he added softly, holding her eyes, ‘. . . surrounded by ruins on all sides.'

A drop fell on the balcony floor, followed by another. The next moment the whole balcony was spotted with raindrops. The gilding on the Russian church's onion dome sent a mysterious light on the background of the dark grey sky. Harry Wiener rose and picked up the tray, she carried in the cups, he let her enter before him. She sat down on the sofa, he settled in an armchair. The low lamps in the corners of the room surrounded them with a warm, subdued light. The view was already dim in the misty rain. He had left the door to the balcony open, and Lucca felt the rain like a cool breath in the warm damp air.

While the thunderstorm passed over the city he questioned her about the roles she had played and how she had interpreted
them, and he listened to her with the same intensity he had shown in the dressing room after the performance a few weeks previously. While she had been paralysed with shyness when she arrived, now she suddenly noticed she had plenty to say, and heard herself voicing ideas she had never shared with anyone before. She told him how working on the roles had made her feel that the innermost core of her personality was a hollow space in which she could be anyone at all, and how the feeling sometimes terrified her and at other times overwhelmed her with its freedom. Harry Wiener smiled, almost wistfully, she thought. Yes, he said, we are separate, but not so different. That is why we both understand and misunderstand each other.

Again they were silent, looking out at the white vapour of rain above the glinting rooftops. He glanced at his watch and dispelled the enchantment when he rose and said he would have to ask her to leave. She was struck by how direct he could be without seeming rude. Maybe it was simply because he was used to getting his own way. He had an appointment soon with a young dramatist, they were going to discuss his manuscript. But perhaps she knew him? He must be about her age, perhaps slightly older. Andreas Bark was his name. Very promising, one of the really big talents. She had heard of him. Did she have a car? She said she was cycling. Oh, well, we must get hold of a taxi. Of course he would pay. She said that was too much. There you go again, he smiled and handed her a hundred kroner note. He really couldn't have her catching a cold from sheer modesty.

The bell rang while he was phoning, and he motioned to her to press the door button. Then he came into the hall and shook hands with her. See you in the autumn, he said, and closed the door behind her. She walked down the stairs that wound around the bars of the lift shaft. The lift passed her when she was one floor down and through the window in the door she saw a dark, averted figure slide past.

Part Three

S
o far it had been a miserable summer. Every time you thought it was getting warm at last, it began to rain and blow again. Monica and Jan had had the right idea, to book a holiday in Lanzarote as early as April, but Robert still felt disappointed over not spending time with Lea when he was on holiday. She said nothing about it on her visits to him, not even when the end of term was approaching, and he suspected she was avoiding the subject to spare his feelings. That made him more dispirited than the thought of being without her. When she came they worked together on the kitchen garden, and one Sunday afternoon, when the sun shone for a change and the temperature climbed to a tolerable minimum of summertime, they went out to the beach to swim.

The water was icy cold and he only took a quick dip. Lea was a good swimmer now. He stood at the water's edge shivering and watching her swim along the sandbank with sure, regular strokes. She swam over to one of the fishing stakes which were set in a straight row at right angles to the shore, forming an interrupted perspective against the calm expanses of sea and sky. As she held onto the post with one arm and waved to him with the other he felt both happy and sad, and when she came out of the water and waded towards him, tall and shining in her swimsuit, he realised why. It would not be long before he had to part with her, not because she would be catching the train as usual and going back to her mother, but because she would have no more use for either mother or father. It was only a question of a few years before she began to live her own life. They would still see each other, but she would be a guest, when she came. It would no longer be her second home, if in fact it ever had been, his overlarge house in the suburb on the edge of the quiet
provincial town in which he had ended up after the divorce, by chance as it seemed to him now.

If there had been a meaning in his life during the many years that had passed it had existed in this girl coming towards him, wading through the cold water and wiping her eyes with her knuckles as she pulled down the corners of her mouth in a comical, troubled grimace. She had been the meaning of it all, anything else had come to seem pale and complicated compared with her. He stood waiting, holding her towel and then wrapping it round her and rubbing her back. She teased him for only having a dip and saucily grabbed at the loose skin on his hips. Hadn't he better do something about those handles? He put out a hand to tickle her. She leaped away and ran off. He ran after her, but her legs had grown too long for him to catch up with her, and suddenly he felt a stabbing pain in one foot as he tripped and fell. He heard her laugh. She couldn't go on being the meaning in his life, she would soon be busy enough with her own.

His heel was bleeding and he caught sight of a rotten plank with a bent rusty nail in it. A siding, he thought, as she came towards him. He had driven himself onto a siding. He thought of the quiet house where he sat listening to music every night the whole year round when he got home from the hospital. Should it be Brahms or Bruckner tonight, after he had driven Lea to the station, or Bartók for once? She put a supporting hand under his arm as they went back to the car. He asked her to fetch the first aid box from the boot. She insisted on helping him, and he let her clean the wound with iodine and showed her how to put on a bandage, secretly enjoying her sympathy.

They had brought her bag so they could drive straight from the beach to the station. His heel smarted and throbbed. She sat beside him looking out at the fields and the clouds. The weather was worsening, the light was grey and metallic over the restless corn. Silence fell between them, as it usually did before they parted. The first drops appeared on the windscreen followed by more until he had to switch on the wipers. When he stopped in front of the station she said he didn't need to go in with her. She sat on for a moment. See you after the holidays,
then, she said. Yes, he said, smiling. Take good care of Mum and Jan! She looked at him. Take good care of yourself, she said seriously and kissed his cheek. He watched her as she ran through the rain with her bag over her shoulder. She turned and waved, and he signalled with his headlights. Then she was gone. He could hear the train approaching and started the car again.

He had been to see Lucca every afternoon before going home, and he had remembered to take off his white coat before going into her room, as she had asked him to. What was it she had said? It seemed a strange notion. That she would rather be completely ignorant of what he looked like than have to content herself with knowing he had a white coat on. But she did ask when he went in to her the day after he had lent her his walkman. She asked what he was wearing, and he replied, slightly flurried. Blue shirt, beige trousers. But what kind of blue? He had to think about that. Twilight blue, he said finally, surprising himself at the comparison. Twilight blue, she repeated and smiled. He had made a new tape for her. He had enjoyed choosing the pieces of music and deciding on their order, and it had given him the chance of hearing music he had not listened to in years. Ravel, Fauré, Debussy, he kept to French music and Chopin. She had asked for more Chopin. He spent most of the evening on it.

He always came at the agreed time, when the ray of sunlight shone on her face through the blinds outside the window. He did not switch on the light when it began to rain, she asked him not to, as if it made a difference to her. Then she lay in the semi-darkness listening to the whipping of the drops on the aluminium blinds. He sat down on a chair beside the bed. Her arms and legs were still encapsulated in plaster, but her head was no longer bound up in bandages. It looked almost normal, apart from the stitches in her forehead and the yellow-green bruising that was wearing off, and her glass eyes. He recognised her from the photographs he had seen in the kitchen the day he drove Andreas and Lauritz home in the rain, but she had lost weight, her features had grown sharper.

She seldom mentioned Andreas and Lauritz. He did not ask
why she stuck to her decision not to let Andreas visit her, but he could feel she missed her son and suffered because of her own obstinacy. The weeks went by with no word from Andreas, but she did not ask if he had called. Robert assumed he was still in Copenhagen, unless he had gone to Stockholm to try his luck with the exotic designer. He considered asking Lucca if he should contact Andreas, but never got around to it. Something about her silence held him back. She was remarkably silent about the drama that had ended when, drunk and beside herself, she had got into their car to drive to Copenhagen on the wrong side of the motorway.

She did not talk about the life she had lived with Andreas in the house by the woods, which they had transformed from a ruin into the home that now, in a different and more comprehensive sense, lay in ruins. It seemed as if she had completely repressed the fact that she was married and had a child, totally engrossed in the years that had gone before. Robert thought of old people who cannot recollect the immediate past and instead remember details and events from their early years which they thought they had forgotten. But he was not witnessing a loss of memory. She just no longer knew precisely where she was, surrounded by sounds and voices, an indeterminate space where hearing was the only sense by which she could distinguish what was close from what was far off.

She had suddenly been thrown into herself, without her eyes' firm grip on reality, delivered over to the evasive images of memory. She seemed like someone who is obliged to tell the story from the beginning, try to describe herself as she had once been, ignorant of what awaited her later. Someone who attempts to return to the start and from there follows her own steps, as you do when you have dropped something on a walk and retrace your steps with your eyes fixed on the ground. Without her explaining it he understood, at first with only a vague apprehension, that this was how she had to approach the night when everything in her life crashed into sudden darkness.

Perhaps it helped to tell her story to a stranger who knew only the ending but had no idea how she had arrived there.
He knew what it was she was slowly trying to isolate, this event which wrenched the words out of her mouth with its irresistible force. She approached it day by day, the thing she still could not talk about, but she held back, dwelling on each stage of her story and losing herself in tortuous digressions. Only by detours could she approach what she still did not understand. She took her time. Her words were like her hands, hesitantly reading the objects passed to her. With the words she touched each face that entered her story and traced the physiognomy of events, as if she could find the sudden turn, the unexpected gulf into which she had fallen.

She had just about got to Andreas, although she had not yet met him, when she was discharged and transferred to a rehabilitation centre. Her plaster had been removed a few days before. Robert and a nurse supported her when she attempted her first steps on the floor in front of her bed. Her long legs seemed even longer, thin and white after the lengthy confinement to bed, with protruding kneecaps. She was dizzy and her legs gave way, so he had to carry her back to bed. She wept and asked to be left alone. When he visited her in the afternoon she was asleep with the earphones on. The tape was still playing. He bent down with his head close to hers and heard Chopin's
Nocturne
No. 4, the peaceful yet rhythmically changing chords, the strangely reckless melancholy. Twilight blue, he thought and smiled involuntarily as he crept towards the door and closed it carefully so as not to wake her.

When he told her about the rehabilitation centre, she realised she had no clothes to wear. She asked him to go out to the house and fill a suitcase. How could he do that? You'll have to break in, she said. Was that such a good idea? She smiled as if she could see the worried look on his face. There was a key under a stone on the left of the door. The old lady's bicycle had fallen over, and little piles of seeds and dust had gathered in the folds of the plastic cover over the pile of cement sacks. He picked up the bicycle and found the key. He still felt like a burglar as he walked through the quiet rooms where a grey transparent film of dust already covered the floors. She had said there was a suitcase
on top of the bedroom wardrobe, but there was nothing there. Andreas must have taken it with him. He found a black plastic sack in the kitchen and took it back to the bedroom. He opened the wardrobe. Even though he was alone, and even though she had asked him to do it, he felt as if he was spying on her and pawing her as he began to select garments from the piles of blouses and lace underclothes and hangers with dresses and jackets. He avoided the brighter things without thinking why, and reminded himself she would need shoes as well. Most of her shoes had high heels, it would probably be better to avoid those at first. He chose a pair with moderately high heels and also found some trainers at the bottom of the wardrobe.

He stopped in front of the notice-board in the kitchen and studied the photographs he had kept glancing at when the unhappy Andreas invited him in for a glass of red wine. Lucca in overalls painting window frames with paint on her cheek. Lucca in the drive with the low sun behind her, the little boy hanging horizontally in the air at the end of her outstretched arms and her dress whirling around her brown legs like an open, illuminated fan. Lucca at a pavement café in Paris, under the plane trees, cool and elegant in her grey tailored jacket, hair combed back from her forehead and red lips parted in the middle of a thought or a word as her eyes seemed to meet his gaze, at once confidential and surprised.

They said goodbye in the hospital foyer. She was in a wheelchair. She turned her face towards him, so his white coat was reflected in her dark glasses. I haven't told you everything, she said, stretching out her hand. He pressed it, after a slight pause because he was not prepared for her formal gesture. But he must be tired of listening to her going on about herself. He said he would be coming to see her. He stood and watched as she was pushed through the glass doors. As the wheelchair stood on the ramp and was lifted up to the level of the minibus rear doors, she was in profile with her red-blonde hair gathered into a pony tail, masked behind the big sun glasses, pale and unmoving as a photograph.

*      *      *      

It rained all evening. Lea had left her wet swimsuit in the car. It was pink, almost cyclamen, but it looked good with her thick dark brown hair. She had inherited his hair, but she had Monica's prominent chin and energetic way of moving. He hung up the swimsuit to dry on a hanger in the bathroom and stood there looking at the feminine object turning limblessly around itself as it dripped onto the tiles. It struck him as almost incredible that Lea was the only female who had been in the house since that night barely a year before when the librarian had sat on his sofa listening to Mahler. She had looked at him with her dark eyes just waiting for him to lean towards her and place a hand on one of her inviting knees in their black stockings. All too ready. That had probably been the problem. That he could visualise it, all too readily.

His foot hurt every time he walked on it. He cursed and again heard Lea's teasing laughter when he stumbled on the beach. There was always a rusty nail somewhere when you felt at ease and carefree for a moment. He sat down on the lavatory seat cover and examined the wound. She had looked quite remorseful when she went up to him and saw the blood. As if it was her fault that he couldn't look where he was going. She stroked his hair consolingly, and he glimpsed in her gesture the young woman she was slowly turning into. The night before she had told him about a boy at school. He was the tallest in her class. He was quite different from the other boys, she said, more mature. The word made him smile. The tall boy wasn't keen on playing football like the others, and he generally kept to himself. He had brown eyes. They had chatted, one day at the bus stop, but otherwise he did not seem to notice her at all. She had written a letter and slipped it into his bag during the lunch break, but he had not replied. Robert said he was most probably just shy and found himself worrying about everything she would have to go through.