Lucid (10 page)

The house was once again silent and empty as I bolted my way through it. Its natural wood tones were blurring together as the tears streaked down my face. I could not lose him... not him. Ever. I threw the door open and scrambled out into the cold fall air.

A loud snarling roar cut through the silence of the surrounding forest, and I knew that it was Deegan. He was hurting. So I ran with everything I had toward the pained sounds of him shouting.

“Dammit Eira! You wouldn't understand!”

When I finally burst into the clearing, Deegan and the small deer carrying woman, Eira he had called her were circling each other slowly. His massive black form made her human one look terribly small and overwhelmed facing off against him.

“I know Dee... I'm a Skoll after all. Trust me I know my human shortcomings, but you need to relax-”

“
Don't tell me to RELAX!
” his movement was so fast my eyes could barely track him as he lunged forward and plowed into the woman's small frame. Before her body hit the ground, her bones began popping and contorting, as she twisted and landed on four paws. Her hound form although smaller than Deegan's massive size, I was sure, was just as deadly. They bared their fangs at each other as the slow circle they were walking got tighter.

I could see his muscles bunching slowly as he prepared to make another lunge, and I knew I had to stop him. This woman although she set my jealousy off, was his friend. The way he had chatted casually, the way she called him Dee... I knew that he didn't
want
to hurt her. And I knew in this rage he would
kill
her.  This anger was all my fault... so it was my responsibility to calm it.

Before I could have any second thoughts I ran out into the clearing. He'd never see me so I would have to show him I was here. I clutched his fur as tight as I could and pressed my tear streaked face against him. He body only paused for a moment, before he started roaring violently and trying to pull away. He snarled and snapped but he never lashed out at me. I knew he would try to get out of my grip if he could, so I held on for everything I was worth. If he wanted to get rid of me he would have to throw me off, which he would never do. Throwing me off might hurt me, and Deegan was all about protecting me.

I could see Eira out of the corner of my eye watching in confusion. Honestly it must look like he had gone crazy.

“Deegan STOP!” I shouted to no effect. Crap... he can't hear me. If I let go to draw on the ground it'll be to late and I'll already have lost him. So I did the only thing I could think of doing.

I pulled his face up next to mine, and right on his slobbery snarling dog face, I planted a kiss... my
first
kiss to be precise. And probably the only one I'd get with him after the mess I had made of things.

The snarling stopped and his whole body became rigid. This close to his face I could see his deep red eyes shifting back and forth as he took in the light contact. With a sigh I pulled away and we stared intently at each other. Almost like he could see me. I moved my hands from the fur at his jowls, and began softly running my fingers through the fur at the base of his large ears.

It wasn't the kiss I imagined, the one that would lead to a totally hot make out session. Heck it hadn't even been sexy. It was the kiss you give your dog when hes been a really good boy. But it had to be enough. He had to understand enough... until I could tell him... that I couldn't live without him.

He shook his head, like he was coming out of a fog, and began backing up.

“No... No-no... This isn't right. Somethings not...” He turned his face back up to mine and I could see the pain in his gaze. “I'm not real after all.”

“Wha-” Eira began to chime in but I cut her off, not that she could hear me do so.

“Deegan NO! Please you have to listen,” I began grabbing for him but he just continued backing up.

Dropping to my knees I began scrapping my hands through the dirt. Trying to get a message out to him before I lost my chance to talk to him ever again. My hands had barely finished the word 'please', but when he read it he just pressed his ears back and let out a snarl. And at his loud earsplitting howl, the world faded away.

Chapter 17

My life... was totally over. In the span of one night, I had fallen for the only man I would probably ever have these feelings for, and lost him all at the same time.

I was claiming my right to grow into the old lady with all the cats. I'd have to Google it. How many cats do you need for the world to avoid you. And I would double the number just in case.

I could feel the tears prick at my eyes and even though I knew better. Even though I
 knew
that tears never solved any problems they ran unhindered down my face.  The hurt eclipsed anything I had ever known. Even the dying did not compare. And even if I knew it wouldn't help... I did it anyways. I rolled my face into my pillow and screamed. I screamed harder than I ever had before. For any reason. I heard a noise downstairs, like someone moving around and hoped it wasn't my parents,but even then I didn't stop. I screamed until my throat was raw and bleeding, and still it hurt.

When I finally ran out of the energy to scream, I pulled my ragged and tear stained face up slowly and glanced into my doorway. Olivia was standing there, her arms, covered in plaid arm warmers braced against the wooden frame of the door. Her silver blue eyes were swirling with untold emotions, and as wide open as I'd ever seen them. And for the first time in my whole life, I was looking at an Olivia Miller that had no idea what she was supposed to do.

Lowering my face back into the pillow, I continued to just let the sobs rack through my body. This moment is when I learned my first lesson in love. Because even if I denied it. Even if I tried to rationalize that fact that he was only a dream, I had loved him. And I knew all those petty relationships and break ups that happened at schools, to normal teenagers. The ones that only took moments, days, or years to get over, weren't love. Because I don't think I was ever going to get over this.

Feeling Olivia's timid hand on my back, I worked to stop the sobbing but it had a mind of its own. She wrapped her arms around me, curling her body up against mine and just held me while I continued sobbing into my pillow. She waited silently, but I knew she was curious. She would never push when it would hurt me, but she was
always
curious.

Eventually I was able to pull my shivering body up off the bed. Olivia was studying my face closely, and I knew I owed her an explanation.

“What brings you here?” Was all I managed to get out through my ragged breathing.

“You weren't there before school started so I decided to skip with you...”

“Olivia... I need... God... I need … something...”

“Well... I don't know the cure for a broken heart. But I do know whenever I'm feeling out of sorts doing something outrageous usually picks me up.”

“ A broken heart...?” I never told Olivia. I had kept Deegan completely to myself. Deegan was the one piece of the nightmare I hadn't been willing to give up. How could she possibly know... But when she gave a very vague gesture around me I knew what she was claiming. And this Aura thing was really starting to freak me out. I don't think shes ever gotten it wrong.

“You've been so...
pink
for days now... and now you're all...” She made a wild gesture and screwed up her face, I got the meaning perfectly.

“Yeah... he was so...” My shoulders just jerked in a shrug I couldn't explain him. It hurt to much to even let my mind go there.

“Did you confess and he told you no or something? We could go... I don't know egg his house or something for revenge...”

I just looked at her incredulously and she smiled back, her sweet comforting smile.

“I told you, we need to do something outrageous.”

“I didn't... confess,” I whispered softly. “It never got that far... I sort of ruined it before it could.”

“Well... If he couldn't see how awesome you are he doesn't deserve you... Sort of generic but it fits,” she replied with a shrug.

It had the intended effect as my lip turned up slightly. It hurt, and I don't think the pain will ever stop... but I had to keep living... had to keep trying... because I promised him I would.

“Well... what sort of outrageous thing do you have in mind?”

“Most girls cut their hair... but I like yours long... so lets do something else.”

I let out a squawk as she pulled my pajamas off and began rifling through my clothes. Trying to stop Olivia was like trying to stop a tornado or a whirlwind, there wasn't even a point in trying. So I let her pick out some clothes and slipped into them without any complaints. I had to give it to her, she knew what I would be most comfortable in. she tossed my favorite tank top, a hoodie I had owned for years, so long that it was worn down to perfect comfort, some jeans and my favorite pair of shoes. The ones I only wore when I needed a pick me up. When I was finally dressed she inspected her work, and with a nod grabbed my hand and drug me out of the house.

Chapter 18

I don't bother to open my eyes. I don't even try to hold a decent conversation. Not that I think I could right now. My mind has a mind of its own, and its stuck in my memories... with Deegan. The way he had felt when I imagined him kissing me, the way he felt when he touched me... but mostly my mind lingered on the way he looked when I broke him. It lingered on the way he looked when I kissed him.

 It was my first kiss and it had taken everything I had to plant it there on his sloppy dog nose. Knowing that he probably wouldn't want me kissing him but knowing it was the only chance I had to stop him from running... by shocking him into submission. Even that hadn't worked. But I knew that would be the best and only kiss of my life and I would take it to my grave with me as such. Even if one day I moved on enough to kiss someone else, I know that was the best kiss of my life... because I had put every speck of my soul into it.

Placing my thoughts of Deegan under lock and key, I opened my eyes when I felt the car roll to a stop. I got out of the car and dutifully followed Olivia into the clothing store. I didn't really see how shopping was outrageous but I was up for anything if it would help ease the pain.

“What is outrageous about this exactly?”

“Don't tell me going to the Halloween Dance isn't outrageous. For you anything involving more than yourself is outrageous these days.”

The Halloween Dance... I had forgotten all about it. Forgotten all about lying to Ethan about going with Olivia so that I didn't have to hurt his feelings.

“You know I told Ethan that I was going with you already...” Karma is a bitch... apparently now I really had to go.

“Well then lets get to costume picking,” She replied, shoving me off in one direction while she walked in the other.

Wandering aimlessly through the isles, all I tried to focus on was staying out of the way of everyone else. I must have zoned out for a while when we were driving, I didn't even notice that Olivia had driven three towns over for our shopping trip. Trying to feign interest in case Livs was watching I began running my hands slowly along the racks of clothes as I walked.

As I wandered along the racks I came across a section of dark colored clothes. My breathing hitched up at the sight of things Deegan would have worn. Using every ounce of my energy left I pushed him out of my thoughts and hurried on to the next section of clothing. I couldn't have a another break down, especially not here. Not in a place Liv would have to try and explain, when it was something that just couldn't be explained. Not by anyone. Not even me.

I must have been wandering around for a while. Eventually Olivia made her way back over and began watching me. Her arms were loaded down with various clothes in charcoals and purple. The large brimmed and pointy tipped hat cued me in to her costume.

“A witch huh? It suits you...”

“Didn't find anything?”

“Don't know where to start.”

“Do you want to tell me about him?”

I watched her closely but there was no judgment in her liquid silver eyes. Only the desire to help. Always helping me. Always giving up her time to be strength for me regardless of whether I deserved it.  I was struck with the sudden wonder of who helped Olivia? Or was she always so strong that she even helped herself.

“ I … I can't... Not him Livs. Not yet.”

She moved jerkily as she grabbed something gray off the shelf and shoved it into my hands.

“Start with that.” Was all she said before she walked away.

I had hurt her. She was the only one who had always been there for me and never thought I was crazy or sick. And I had pushed her away too. But he was too personal. Too close. If I told her... it would just cement the fact, the fact that he wasn't real. And now he wasn't even mine.

Dragging my mind away from that train of thought, I glanced down at what Olivia had shoved into my hands. I slowly unrolled them, they were a pair of charcoal gray thigh high stockings that cinched around the thigh with a small white ribbon. She couldn't have picked anything worse if she tried. I rummaged through the long racks of clothes to try and please Olivia though I doubted I would find anything.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a flash of deep crimson seated in bed of black. My head snapped around almost instantly in a conditioned response to look for Deegan, to look for his liquid red eyes. Instead of finding him standing there, it was  a crimson hoodie misplaced on a rack with dark clothes. Slowly I worked my way over to it. Running my hands along the soft fabric sent chills down my spine. This... this is what I was getting. The one thing in the store that could remind me of Deegan.

“Little red riding hood huh?” Olivia asked with a chuckle.

“Yeah... too bad I chased off my big bad wolf.”

She gave me a curious sort of frown like she didn't quite understand but she took the clothes from my hands and walked them to the register. Dutifully I followed her as she bought everything and walked out to the car.