Authors: Anonymous
Lucy in the Sky (20 page)
He was all, WHAT? I'm just concerned.
I told him he had nothing to be concerned about. I mean I have MORE than proven that I can stay off drugs. I'd only had that tiny hit of pot with Ross on New Year's Eve. That's IT. Well, and a couple sips of champagne that night.
Cam reminded me about the mug of wine at Thanksgiving, and I told him that he needed to back off because I saw him swigging out of Mom's glass that day in the kitchen before he refilled it.
GOD. He can be SUCH a hypocrite.
I told him I could take care of myself.
He got this snotty tone and said he hoped so because he wasn't going to ever cover for me with Mom and Dad again. I told him he wouldn't have to. He said, I better not, then he stalked out.
GAAAAAWD! Why does he ALWAYS have to have the last word?
Lauren asked if she could come spend the night tonight. I texted Mom and she said it was fine. It's only Friday, but Lauren is already looking more normal. For one thing, I've been making her EAT! I told Ross he should come over too, and we'll order pizza and watch movies.
This weekend was just like old times, only better! I forgot how much Lauren made me laugh. We had such a good time
on Friday night with Ross. We were all up until like 3 a.m. watching TV and eating leftover Christmas fudge and cookies and stuff. Cam even warmed up and hung out with us. He and Astrid had gone out for dinner, and when they came back, we were all having so much fun that Astrid called her mom and got permission to stay over with me and Lauren.
Ross got a call from Ian. We told him to ignore it, but I could tell that it bothered him. He said he wouldn't call back, but he left a little bit after that, and I'm sure he called him.
ANYWAY: We all made plans to go to the big winter formal which is the last Saturday in January.
Friday the 13th. The scariest thing about the month of January is that sometimes I feel like it will
NEVER
END.
GOD. It's INTERMINABLE.
(That's the word I got WRONG on the vocab quiz today in English. SHEESH.)
Lauren and I are going to look for outfits for winter formal after our choir sings at the chamber of commerce luncheon on Saturday at City Hall. I can't wait. Ross said he's going to come hear us sing. Who knows? Maybe we'll drag him along with us to shop. He's been no help at all when we've taken him before. He's not one of those PROJECT RUNWAY gays. He always wants us to just buy whatever is the lowest cut, and the shortest.
He's such a perv.
Okay okay okay okay. I KNOW I said I was DONE with drugs, but Ross had his pipe with him today, and we smoked a little. Just a COUPLE HITS EACH.
Lauren and I found the CUTEST outfits for winter formal today. There were racks and racks and racks of stuff at Nordstrom marked down like 70 percent off. I guess stuff doesn't sell very well after Christmas. Ross met us afterward at Lauren's place. Her dad was watching a basketball game on TV, so we all went back to Lauren's room and we tried on our stuff for Ross. I got the cutest little black dress with sequins at the neck, and Lauren got this silver dress that I LOVE.
After we tried on our dresses, Lauren said she wished her
dad wasn't home so she could make us cosmos to celebrate our good bargains, and Ross pulled out his pipe and wiggled his eyebrows up and down.
Both he and Lauren just turned to look at me like I was the one who had to give the okay.
I just looked at them both and said, LOOK, you losers. We can smoke pot, but we are NOT doing coke again. EVER. Or Ecstasy or anything else. And on the night of the actual dance we ARE NOT DRINKING. Because I have to drive, and if I can't drink, you two aren't drinking either. Got it?
They both nodded and then I said, JEEZ. When did I become JIMINY CRICKET?
When I said that, Lauren busted out laughing, and pretty soon we were all giggling like lunatics. Lauren put on some music and we just hung out in her room for a couple hours, smoking pot, and talking and laughing. I forgot how much fun we have when we're stoned.
Next week is going to be SO MUCH FUN.
I'm so glad we're not taking dates and stuff. Mark keeps asking me but yesterday I told him that I think we're just better as friends.
God, I hope he GETS THAT this time. I mean ⦠even if we dated, would he KISS me? NO. Would he want to make out? NO. So ⦠we'd be friends anyway, right? Because what fun is it to go out with a guy who won't kiss you??
I tried on my new dress for winter formal today and went to show Mom, and DAD walked into the living room and had a minor meltdown. He went OFF on how it was too short, and it looked like I was cheap and all of this complete CRAP.
Mom was trying to stick up for me and saying that she thought I looked really mature and the dress fit really well. She said that I wasn't a little girl anymore, and I was going with a group of friends, and Cam would be there, and Dad just got all red in the face and was like MARGARET, WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO TAKE HER SIDE?? And then he stomped into his study and told me that I would wear that dress to winter formal over “his dead body.”
WHO SAYS THAT?
Is this like a MOVIE FROM THE '80S???
I just started BAWLING and ran into my room.
He came in later, all hanging his head and telling me that he was sorry. He said sometimes he forgets that I'm not a little kid anymore, because when he looks at me he still sees that little girl. I was really quiet as I listened, and then I told him that he really hurt my feelings because I wasn't trying to be CHEAP. I was trying to look pretty.
He just looked at me and said, To who?
Today is Friday and the dance is tomorrow, but I can't get that question my dad asked me out of my head: To who?
Who do I want to look desirable to? I mean, it would be one thing if I had a date, or even a crush on somebody. The thing that I keep thinking about over and over again is that I just want to look like Lauren. I mean, I never will because her legs go all the way up to her chin and she's like a head taller than me and has beautiful (NATURALLY) blond hair. But I want to feel like I'm as stylish as she is.
I'm wearing the dress.
Cam is picking Astrid up at her place, so Ross is coming here, and then we're going to go over to Lauren's to get ready. Mom wanted us to all come here so she could take pictures, but I was like NO. I am NOT going to have Dad FREAK OUT again because of my dress, or my makeup. Besides, the shoes I'm wearing are at Lauren's. Her dad got her these AMAZING Jimmy Choos for Christmas. Well, he gave her his Amex and SHE got these AMAZING shoes for Christmas. Like, 10 pairs. She's actually going to let me wear this pair that she hasn't even WORN YET!!!
How amazing is THAT?
Our friendship is even stronger, I think, because of what happened.
Cam texted me and was like, I want to see you at the dance as soon as you get there. I know he's afraid I'm going to drink and drive. ARGH.
I wish he'd lay off of the LAW & ORDER routine. GAWD.
Oooh! I think I just heard Ross pull up. YAY.
My whole life is a FUCKING NIGHTMARE.
I keep thinking that at any moment, I'll just wake up. Poof. Like that. It'll be easy, and all better, and none of this will have happened.
But I'm awake. I'm sitting here in my bedroom actually about to write these words in my journal:
I got a D.U.I.
Yep. I was Driving Under the Influence.
We got high at Lauren's. Ross had plenty of the “cronkest cush” as he likes to call it. We smoked until I could barely stand up on my Jimmy Choos, but we had NO cosmos. As I drove us to the school, I got a little paranoid. I'd never driven stoned before, and it was sort of stressful. I kept checking my speed, and all of the mirrors, and this guy honked at me when I was turning right. I guess he thought I was going too slowly, but I
didn't care. I wanted to make sure that I didn't have a wreck or something. I was relieved when we finally got to the school and parked.
The formal was lame. Astrid and Cam were there, and they were dancing with Jason and Elizabeth, and they all went out to the bleachers on the football field to make out. Of course, at that precise instant, Mark spotted me and started walking toward us with a girl from his church who goes to this private Christian school. The girl Mark was with was pretty, but as he approached us, Mark couldn't stop staring at my legs. Ross whispered to Lauren that Mark was getting as much as he'd ever get before his wedding night right this second while he stared at me. That made me laugh right as they reached us and I think the girl from the Christian school thought I was laughing at her, which was TOTALLY AWKWARD.
When they finally walked away, I turned around to glare at Ross, who was sending a text message. Lauren looked at me and then she looked at Ross. Then she said, OMG. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. Ross grinned up from his phone and said that he had an idea. I said I was too stoned to drive and handed my keys to Ross, who jumped behind the wheel.
Ross took side streets and drove through a beach neighborhood south of ours, then parked on the curb at the edge of a little neighborhood that has houses built along some
canals. Lauren and I teetered across a little wooden bridge at the end of the sidewalk, and Ross led us through a low wooden gate and to the front door of one of the houses.
The first person I saw when we walked through the door was Blake, and I caught my breath. I hadn't seen him since that night at Lauren's, scrambling for his clothes, and I felt this stab in my chest that took my breath away for a second.
He was in the kitchen with Ian, leaning over a clear glass pie plate filled with cocaine. He was skinnier than I remembered, but he looked up at me and smiled.
Right at that moment, I knew.
I knew I'd be doing some coke that night. It's so weird, but it wasn't even a question. It was like a door clicking shut behind me. As I saw Ian bending toward the mound of white powder, every ounce of willpower I'd had in the last few months, every conversation I'd had with Cam and Ross and Lauren about not partying, just floated away.
In that moment I realized something: What I wanted, and what Cam wanted in this moment, were two different things. I WANTED to do a line. I WANTED to feel that rush. I WANTED to laugh like crazy and do another line and maybe steal one of Ian's cigarettes and have a big gulp of an icy cosmo and hear Blake tell me I looked like a billion dollars.
And you know what?
That's exactly what I did.
I marched into the kitchen where Lauren and Ross were standing looking sheepish, and Ian stood up in a flash, looking panicked like he'd been caught, and I took the straw out of his hand, and I snorted a GIANT rail as Lauren gasped, and Blake laughed, and I tossed my head back and felt the quick burn in the back of my nose, and I felt the delicious bitter taste in my mouth, and I closed my eyes and said, AAAAAAAAAAHHHH.
And then it was ON.
Lauren was making cosmos, and Blake was making passes, and Ian and Ross were making out, and BLAM: my phone exploded with text messages from Cam.
WHERE ARE YOU?
DID YOU LEAVE THE DANCE?
IF YOU'RE NOT HOME ON TIME I'M TELLING MOM AND DAD EVERYTHING.
I realized we'd been there for 2 hours, and it was almost curfew time for me: 1 a.m.
I downed my cosmo and did one more line, then I grabbed the keys from Ross and headed toward the front door and yelled, CAM PATROL! I'm heading out! Blake asked if I was okay to drive. I assured him I was. Nothing makes you more alert than coke, no matter how much you've had to drink.
Lauren came running after me, laughing, and Ross followed. I turned the key in the ignition. Ross turned up the music. I turned onto Pacific.
I felt my phone buzz in my lap. I knew it was another text from Cam. I glanced down at the screen.
Lauren screamed. Ross yelled, LOOK OUT!
BLAM!
The light had changed, and the car in front of me stopped short. We weren't going that fast, but there was a police car at the opposite corner. Suddenly there were lights and sirens, bright lights, and loud questions. The cops had flashlights, and they asked us to step out of the car.
They called a backup squad car. They put Lauren and me in one and Ross in the other. I have never felt so scared in my entire life as I did when I was sitting in the back of that car. The cuffs cut into my wrists and all I could think about was how my mom and dad were going to kill me. We all got taken to the police station and booked: Ross for marijuana possession, Lauren for underage drinking, and me for driving under the influence.
I felt like crying, but I couldn't. We were taken into the juvenile detention center, and I didn't see Ross and Lauren again until they had taken our fingerprints and our mug shots. Lauren's dad was actually the first to arrive. Ross said his mom
was working at the hotel, but she showed up before my parents did because they'd been out to dinner and a play with friends.
When they showed up, it wasn't pretty. Dad was stonily silent. Mom had been weeping all the way home from the theater. Cam was waiting when we got home, and the minute we walked in the door, it started. He spilled everything:
Every drink.
Every joint.
Every snort.
Every party.
Everything.
When Mom stopped crying, she got very quiet. Dad got loud. Then he started crying, which was the WORST THING IN THE WORLD. Then Cam got an earful from both of them for not telling them what was going on sooner.
Cam turned to me and cried and said that all he wanted was for me to be happy.
Dad talked about how lucky I was that no one was hurt.
Mom talked about how lucky I was that no one had died.
Everybody kept saying that this could have ruined my life. I knew they were right. Suddenly everything that had happened, and sitting in a cell and being handcuffed, washed over me and I couldn't stop crying. I told them how sorry I was for not being the girl they thought I was, for not being the person they
wanted me to be. Worse than that, I realized I wasn't the person I wanted to be. I was a criminal now. I had a police record.