Luke Skywalker Can't Read (21 page)

*
The original
Battlestar Galactica
was a 1978–79 TV show created by Glen A. Larson, who also wrote and created
Knight Rider
and
Magnum P.I.
That version of
BSG
was the target of a frivolous lawsuit from 20th Century Fox that tried to prove the show was a rip-off of
Star Wars
. The Cylons in the old show were classic robot-robots with roboty voices and super-slow gaits.

*
Late in the
BSG
game, it was revealed that several generational cycles of Cylons fighting humans had existed in the distant past. This made the singularity-style “leap” moment from the “Centurions” (the boxy, robot-style Cylons) to the human “skin jobs” really hard to pinpoint.

*
Harlan Ellison wrote a screenplay for
I, Robot
that was never filmed. It's awesome.

*
In fairness, Asimov did have some sci-fi cops in other stories and novels. Just not in
I, Robot.

*
The 2015 film
Ex Machina
. It's also split the difference: the robots are great and do kill us, but really, we had it coming. In
Ex Machina
, most of the action isn't about robot murder but instead involves questions of how to prove self-awareness. For this reason, I don't count it as a “killer robot movie.”

*
As excerpted in
Opus 100
by Isaac Asimov, Dell Publishing, New York, 1969.

*
I've just seen Neill Blomkamp's new robot flick
CHAPPiE
. It got killed critically, but is not a terrible robot story. If anything, it's more of an Oliver Twist homage than a hard-core robot flick. True, there are murder and violence in this movie, but the titular robot is mostly good. It's a tiny bit of progress and I think Blomkamp's heart was in the right place.

*
The Law of Accelerating Returns is the idea that all of this advanced robot stuff will be exponential in its advancement.

*
Does the presence of two actors from
Inside Llewyn Davis
(Oscar Isaac and Adam Driver) in the new Star Wars movie mean it will be the most arty/nuanced Star Wars yet? Let's meet at the bar in 2016 and talk about it. First round is on me.

*
The opposite of this would be the Joel Schumacher Batman movies:
Batman Forever
and
Batman and Robin
, both of which start like comic book movies and end like an acid-filled, hallucinogenic rave with neon glow-sticks everywhere.

*
Similarly, future cultural critics who are like five years old right now will read this essay of mine in their thirties and find my assertions totally quaint. They'll also probably have absorbed the essay through some sort of futuristic reading cream, but whatever.

*
Carey Mulligan also starred in the same season of
Doctor Who
as Andrew Garfield, in 2007. Then they did
Never Let Me Go
together. Why are neither in the new Star Wars? It's baffling.

*
As happens with a lot of periodicals, the comic was put on sale in advance of the publication date printed on the cover. So, the first issue of
Captain America
is the March 1941 issue, but it was sold in December 1940.

*
For now. Rian Johnson has been tapped to direct the sequel to
The Force Awakens
. Maybe J.J. couldn't take the pressure? Maybe nobody wants to direct three Star Wars movies in a row?

*
See all essays in this book for “proof.”

*
The song is called “Wonderful,” and it's just the worst.

*
Science fiction critics a few generations older than I am would argue the terrible crap I refer to here is “everything.”

*
Buck Rogers originally was conceived as Anthony Rogers in Philip Francis Nowlan's 1928 novel
Armageddon 2419 A.D.
Subsequently Buck appeared in radio shows, comic strips, and movie serials. Buster Crabbe played Buck Rogers in 1930s serials, and later played Flash Gordon. In the late '70s a TV revival of Buck Rogers starring Gil Gerard existed, which, without irony, was made possible by the popularity of Star Wars. Flash Gordon was a comic strip character who started appearing in 1934. He is connected to Buck Rogers specifically because he was created by Alex Raymond to compete with Buck Rogers.

*
Obviously, this became Samuel L. Jackson's character, Mace Windu, in the prequels.

*
For many, countless permutations are nothing new. In 2013, Dark Horse Comics released a limited run called
The Star Wars
, which supposedly showed the “original” version of Lucas's idea in comic format. While really pretty and interesting, the idea that it's the “original” story is such bullshit. There are so many different versions of Lucas's original story that the word “original” starts to lose its meaning the same way the name Anakin Skywalker has no meaning next to that of his alter ego, Darth Vader.

*
I know there are no “literal” laser bolts because laser bolts don't exist or whatever, but just calm down. If you watch Merriam-Webster's “Ask the Editor” on YouTube like I do, you'll learn “literally” almost literally doesn't mean anything.

*
This research can be found mostly in the out-of-print and amazing book
Star Wars: The Annotated Screenplays
, by Laurent Bouzereau.

*
Of course, there are multiple “Special Editions,” with variations great and small. The initial special editions were theatrical, then made for VHS. And then, in 2004, there was a DVD release. The DVD special edition of
Return of the Jedi
was the most controversial of all because the ghost of Anakin Skywalker was no longer played by Sebastian Shaw but, instead, by Hayden Christensen. Obviously, there's no way Lucas could have put the ghost of Hayden into the 1998 special edition of
Return of the Jedi
, because Hayden would have been like seventeen years old and he and George Lucas didn't even know each other then. Still, I often wonder what would happen if Hayden's ghost were digitally inserted into a bunch of other classic movies. Think of him in the final scenes of
The
Wizard of Oz
! Or better yet,
Casablanca
!

*
I've been dying to say this for years, but it seems like poor Irvin Kershner was only allowed one good sequel. He directed
RoboCop 2
and a random non-canon James Bond movie called
Never Say Never Again
.
RoboCop 2
is borderline unwatchable and
Never Say Never Again
was a James Bond movie starring Sean Connery that actually lost at the box office to a James Bond movie released the same year starring Roger Moore (
Octopussy
). How is a James Bond movie called
Octopussy
better than
Never Say Never Again
? I know. This sounds fake. But it's true! Though I'm sure if Kershner had directed
Octopussy
it would have been even better than it already is. (Which is to say, marginally. I mean, it's called “Octopussy.”) He's not to blame for these bad movies he directed, but it's not like he had the magic touch with established franchises.

*
When Luke lets himself drop into the abyss in Cloud City toward the end of
Empire
, I guess you could argue he knew he'd get rescued somehow because he trusted the Force—a religious leap of faith. But, it's also just as easy to interpret this as Luke defiantly killing himself rather than joining what he perceives as pure evil.

*
Red Letter Media's satirical Mr. Plinkett videos make this point fairly effectively, specifically in their review of
Revenge of the Sith
, in which they assert that Anakin actually does have a reason for turning that Luke never had. Part of this is just that Luke has a healthier social life—i.e., he has better friends than Anakin did, meaning he feels more secure as a person.

*
It's a simple fact that any movie with Harrison Ford in which he doesn't get to say funny things isn't as good as one in which he does. This is actually the only reason you need to explain why
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
is so awful: Ford doesn't have any funny lines. The exception to this rule is, naturally,
Blade Runner.

*
Obviously, this was way before
Terra Nova
.

*
Charlton Heston destroys the Earth in the sequel to
Planet of the Apes
. Despite Earth being gone, there are amazingly three films that were direct sequels after that. All of them (set on Earth) actually even try to honor this continuity.

Looking for more?
Visit Penguin.com for more about this author and a complete list of their books.
Discover your next great read!