Lullaby (36 page)

She stood too.

‘Yes, I should go,’ she said. I nodded with relief, trying not to throw up as my skull cracked with pain, concentrating hard on a tiny scratch just by her left eye.

‘Good luck with everything,’ she said formally, and she was almost awkward. She picked up her bag and took out her car-keys, gestured to my head with an elegantly tapering hand. Any minute she’d start pirouetting across the hall, arms in demi-bras. ‘You should get that looked at. It must be very painful, no?’

Deb was absolutely horrified at the cut on my head, and whisked me straight to Lewisham A & E, where I was X-rayed and patched up. ‘A touch of concussion,’ they said to Deb, as if I were a child, ‘don’t leave her alone for long,’ and they gave me painkillers so strong I felt like I was flying.

Back at home, Leigh arrived with the girls and stuck them in the sitting room with
Harry Potter
and some Happy Meals. My sister’s standards were slipping: the tracksuits, this fast food, the streaky tan, all meant deep, unspoken stress.

‘I’m staying here tonight,’ she said, compressing her mouth until it all but disappeared. I was secretly pleased; the kids brought me some kind of comfort as I watched them fighting over their chips.

I went upstairs to change, idly activating the answer-phone as I passed it. First Deb’s old message from earlier played out, then, halfway up the stairs, someone new, whispering quite frantically. I stopped, and turned, and rushed back down. I pressed replay, and listened again. That mewing I’d heard the other day suddenly became clear. It was seagulls—of course it bloody was. And those frantic tones—my little brother Robbie.

‘Where are you, Jess? Answer the phone. I know where Louis is,’ he said. ‘I know where he is, Jessica.’

I was pacing the hall floor when Silver screeched up outside—it’d all gone a bit
Sweeney
suddenly—and I snatched the door wide open, and for a split second, we stared at one another without words. I fought the impulse to fling myself into his arms; I felt like we’d come so far, and finally this was it. He’d tried to protect me, despite the ups and downs, he’d done his very best. But I just said, ‘Well come on then,’ grabbing my bag, and strode out to the car.

Kelly was sitting in the vehicle behind, and I waved a funny little wave—we were old mates now—and he waved back, and almost smiled. Then I climbed into Silver’s front seat. Deb came out before him, and I hoped she’d get in Kelly’s car—but she slid in tight behind me, and inwardly I couldn’t help but groan.

And my sister was on the doorstep, hugging her youngest daughter to her side, biting her lip and calling out, ‘Good luck, we’ll be waiting. Call me as soon as you’ve got news, won’t you?’ and Silver patted her arm soothingly as he passed; then we were off.

The light was falling as we travelled through the suburbs; the clouds glowering across the motorway said that summer’s card was marked. My tummy was jumping, rolling like fighting puppies did. I was rather breathless, and I clutched my inhaler in my pocket; I thought of Louis and I smiled. Then Silver was talking, cutting through my daydreams; wanting to discuss exactly what Robbie had said, again.

‘But you just listened to the message, didn’t you?’ I asked, disconcerted by the interruption, and he nodded his head.

‘Yes, but I’m trying to work out if Maxine’s with him.’

I shrugged. ‘I guess she must be.’

‘We had Gorek in for questioning this morning—’

‘Brilliant!’

‘It wasn’t brilliant, Jess. We had to release him because frankly–’ He overtook a rusty old Nissan straddling two lanes. ‘That’s not bloody fit for the road,’ he muttered, ever the copper.

‘Frankly what?’ I was impatient.

‘Frankly, there’s still nothing to link Gorek to the crime, nothing apart from Maxine.’

‘There must be, surely.’

‘There isn’t.’

‘Well, if Gorek’s not bloody involved, who is?’

An ominous silence settled throughout the car. My head was really aching still.

‘You don’t think—you’re not imagining that Robbie—’ I couldn’t quite say it out loud.

‘Jess, you’re going to have to accept your brother’s involved.’

‘I’m not. He isn’t.’

‘Don’t be silly. How can he not be? He’s just rung you and absolutely incriminated himself.’

‘He rang to help,’ I objected desperately.

‘That’s as maybe, but it doesn’t change the facts. I mean, who else knew about the location—your holiday home? It’s too much of a coincidence.’ He turned his sidelights on, glancing down at me. I stared stubbornly away from him.

‘Look, I’m sure—I know it’s really painful, but it’s also unavoidable,’ he said.

I was literally lost for words. Deb chimed in softly from the back, placing a warm hand on my shoulder. ‘Jessica, it’s going to be okay. Let’s just try to keep calm, shall we?’ I should keep calm, she meant. ‘We’ll see Robbie soon, and you’ll get a chance to talk to him.’

But I felt a constriction in my throat, and though I swallowed painfully several times and gritted my teeth quite hard, a hot tear trickled from my eye, swiftly followed by another. Trading Robbie in for Louis, that’s what it amounted to, apparently. Silver didn’t speak, but he must have seen the tears that plopped plump onto my jeans. He rested his hand briefly over mine, but I couldn’t even savour the warmth. I sat there numbly until Deb shifted slightly in the back, and he took his hand away again.

The car crunched across the gravel and pulled up at the exact spot Silver and I had eaten fish and chips only a few days ago. I was suddenly bowled over by horror at how near I must have been to Louis. And I
hadn’t even felt it. So much for maternal instinct. The guilt that whacked me now was quite immense.

The car park was much emptier than it had been the time before; evening was drawing in, and the temperature had dropped dramatically in the past few days. The holidays were coming to an end.

Squad cars were parked at random around the garden wall of the cottages, and uniformed coppers milled about looking serious, intent. Police-tape was already flapping in the brisk sea breeze, and a small crowd of locals had gathered, vulture-like, to pick over unfolding events. As I got out of the car, Silver’s phone rang and he hung back to take the call. I wanted to ask him why they hadn’t looked here before, but Deb was already shepherding me through the crowd.

Glasses stood in the scrubby front garden, slightly apart from a clique of uniforms, smoking a cheroot. He clocked Silver first and raised a hand, then saw me in the crowd. I couldn’t read the look that passed over his rather lugubrious face; quickly he ground out the fag and barked an order to a nearby female officer. She walked briskly into the cottage, and my heart leapt. Was she going to fetch my son? I rushed forwards, but as I reached the tape an officious young copper held me back. I was about to barge past anyway when Silver caught up with me, flashed his badge and propelled me into the garden.

And then the policewoman came back out, empty-handed, and muttered something in Glasses’ ear, and he stepped forward to greet us, shook Silver’s hand. I could hardly curb my impatience, but my heart was in
my mouth because something was not right, that was obvious, and I tried to speak but my voice wouldn’t come out at first, and when it did it was cracked and hoarse.

‘Louis?’ I begged. ‘Is Louis here?’ and I saw Glasses hesitate, and fear engulfed me absolutely; I became a human time-bomb of angst. I was shaking and my knees might not hold me up much longer, they were going to tell me something bad, I could see, and I whispered, ‘What is it?’ and Silver was staring hard at Glasses, and Deb had her arms round me now.

Then Silver spoke and said, ‘It’s not Louis, Jess. Louis is not here,’ and I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, because at least they hadn’t said what I expected, that Louis was dead, his little body stiff inside that small damp house, his arms flung up to save himself. He must still be safe somewhere—but Silver was still speaking, he’d moved in front of me, and he was holding both my hands now, and taking me apart from the group, and Glasses turned like it was all slow motion, and his shoulders slumped, and Silver said,

‘It’s Robbie, Jess. I’m so sorry. Robbie’s dead.’

I started laughing then, because he must be joking, and I said, ‘Don’t be stupid. Of course he’s not dead. He just rang me, didn’t he?’ and Deb’s arm clutched tighter, but I pushed her off and I looked at Silver and said ‘Don’t lie’, but then I saw he wasn’t, and I doubled over as if he’d punched me in the stomach, I couldn’t breathe, my breath had gone all strained, and then I thought I would be sick. I was panting with the effort not to, and I didn’t care who saw. I gripped onto my
knees, and took a minute or two to right myself, but eventually I did.

I started to move like I was in a dream; it surely was a dream. I stepped towards the cottage, and I said, ‘Where is he? I want to see him,’ and Silver said, from somewhere behind me, ‘I don’t think that’s a good idea, do you?’ but I shouted at him, ‘Just let me see my brother. I want to see my brother, please,’ and I stumbled towards the cottage, and so they followed me.

There was noise and voices from inside, and I even heard some laughter—before they saw me in the doorway. How wrong was that—the dead weren’t even cold, and people here were laughing?

And there on the floor, on the old floorboards that could have done with a proper good scrub, lay Robbie, and he looked like he was asleep. My little brother sleeping on the floor like he had done when we were kids, just used to curl up anywhere, my Robbie did, and snooze awhile. I stood in the doorway and just looked down at him, through the haze of police photographers and men in those ill-fitting jumpsuits, dusting things; they looked at me and one by one melted away, until it was just him left in the musty room. His legs were bent up towards his chest with one arm flung out, and he looked like he was five.

And I walked towards him slowly, and knelt by him, and I took his head in my hands, and laid it on my knee. I couldn’t bear to think that he had died alone, because he’d never liked the dark, my big strong little brother, and I leant down and kissed him on the lips, only they were truly freezing now. I cradled his dark
head in my arms, and I whispered, ‘Wake up, Rob, it’s me.’ Only he didn’t wake, he didn’t stir, he didn’t move at all. He was just cold and still.

‘Wake up, Robbie, wake up, please,’ I said again, more urgently, although I knew he wouldn’t now, and dry-eyed I stroked his tousled curls, staring down at him. And it was only then that I saw there was a syringe beside him, and his arm was tied with a tourniquet and was black and bruised, but he sort of looked at peace, I thought, and I laid my head down next to his and eventually the tears came. I cried for my childhood mate who’d gone and left me now; I cried for the baby I used to feed a bottle to, so proud I was, pushing him in the park, though the pushchair was twice my own size. My baby brother who sobbed beneath his bunk-bed when my parents fought, he thought we didn’t know; who had run shrieking with me in fun so very near these walls. My little brother with whom I’d shared Mr Whippies for our tea, because our mum was too spaced-out to cook; who’d hidden behind the saggy sofa with me when Tom Baker fought the Cybermen on Sunday afternoons, holding sweaty secret hands, until Leigh caught us and laughed out loud. I held on to him now like I’d never let him go, and I felt a sadness that cracked my very heart, a mourning for all his dreams that came to nothing, for the waste that was my Robbie’s life.

Eventually, Silver knelt beside me, and very softly said, ‘Come on, Jess, we should let them get on, shouldn’t we?’ but I didn’t want to leave my brother here, where it was so cold and lonely, where the wind was whipping up outside.

‘Please,’ I whispered, ‘I can’t bear to leave him,’ and Silver said, ‘I know. But they need to do their work, and then they’ll move him somewhere better, I promise you.’

‘Will they take him somewhere light?’ I said, utterly forlorn. We both knew that the light was gone forever now for Robbie, but still he nodded and said, ‘I expect so.’ And so I took my jumper off, and laid Robbie’s head back down, laid it on my jumper as gently as I could.

Then I kissed him once again, kissed him for the last time, and let Silver lead me from that dark room, back over to the car. Deb brought me hot sweet tea and wrapped a blanket round my shaking shoulders, and hugged me to keep me warm while I mumbled rubbish.

‘I should ring Leigh,’ I was just starting to say, when Silver came back again.

‘It’s gonna be okay, kiddo,’ he said, and then the policewoman who’d been with Glasses arrived with a plastic bag. As she gave it to him, I saw her shoot me a look so full of pity it was almost obscene.

‘Why didn’t you find him before? When we were looking at the lighthouse? I told you about the cottage the other day,’ I asked numbly.

‘They weren’t in this cottage at the time, Jess, I swear. It was searched from top to bottom; they all were. We think they were in another rental property over the road.’ Silver pointed at a cluster of buildings behind us. ‘We’re tracing the owner now. I know you’re in shock, Jessica,’ he went on, ‘but I need you to be strong,
all right? Can you cope with helping me some more?’ and I nodded dumbly because Louis was still gone, and I still had to get him back, and then Silver pulled something from the clear bag he held. A long, blonde wig. Then something else: a tiny knitted cardigan that had been in Louis’s changing bag when he’d disappeared.

‘That’s Louis’s top,’ I mumbled through dry lips, and Silver nodded and said, ‘We thought as much,’ but when I held out my hand for it, he held it back and said, ‘I’m sorry, kiddo, we need it for Forensics,’ and suddenly I couldn’t breathe.

I tried, oh God I tried, I fought for breath but my chest felt like someone had knelt on it, and I spilt my tea all down myself. I scrabbled for my spray but it wouldn’t work this time, and I was wheezing like a steam train, and Deb was trying to help me, but I still couldn’t breathe, someone was smothering me, squeezing all the air out, and then just for a second it all went black.