Lynn Osterkamp - Cleo Sims 03 - Too Many Secrets (8 page)

Gayle showed up right on time Monday afternoon with the
pictures I had requested of her and Sabrina over the years—some including
other Moxie members, others of her and her daughter Nicole with Sabrina and
Sabrina’s son Ian. I asked her to reminisce about good times she and Sabrina
had shared.

First she pulled out a photo of two grinning kids in grubby
jeans and sweatshirts standing in front of a bright orange two-person tent.
“Here’s a picture from a camping trip when Ian and Nicole were about ten.
They wanted their own tent, no moms in it, so we agreed. They were so proud
that they put it up themselves. But in the middle of the night a raccoon pawed
at their tent and woke them up. They were sure it was a bear, started screaming.
Scared us to death. After we got them back to sleep, Sabrina and I sat up and
talked about how precious our kids are, how we’d do anything to keep them safe.
Sabrina never forgot that conversation, brought it up after her dad died when
she asked me to be Ian’s guardian if anything happened to her. I’m sick at the
thought of letting her down, letting Brandi win.”

Another griever feeling regrets at having failed Sabrina in
some way.

The next picture she selected was of a younger-looking Moxie
group at a restaurant table, arms around each others’ shoulders, glasses
lifted. Gayle smiled, looking inward at a fond memory. “That was five
years ago,” she said. “We went out to celebrate the second
anniversary of starting Moxie. We were all so happy together then. We supported
each other like a family—like the families we wished we’d had. We
appreciated ourselves and each other in a way our shitty exes and some of our
critical parents never did.”

Her face fell. “Sabrina so wanted to get Moxie back to
that level of support after the tension we’ve had in recent years. At the
circle ceremony the night before she disappeared, she challenged us to remember
our original dreams for the group, the support we’ve given each other in the
past. She pleaded with us to return to that Moxie spirit. But now, without
Sabrina, I don’t know if that will ever happen.”

I didn’t follow up on that comment, because I wanted to keep
Gayle relaxed and focused on positive memories of Sabrina. I’ve found that
thinking happy thoughts about the loved one helps people make contact with the
spirit.

We continued going through the pictures for a few more
minutes until Gayle’s phone rang. She grabbed it out of her purse and checked
the ID. “Never mind, I’ll let it go to voicemail,” she said.

“You can’t take your phone into the apparition
chamber,” I said. “So you may as well turn it off.” She nodded,
clicked it off and put it back in her purse.

“Are we ready now?” she asked.

I got Gayle set up in my apparition chamber. It’s a small
windowless room with an easy chair inclined backward facing a four-foot square
mirror on the wall across from it. The mirror and the chair are surrounded by a
black velvet curtain, which creates a small booth, so the sitter can gaze into
the mirror and see only a pool of darkness. The only illumination comes from a
fifteen-watt bulb in a small stained-glass lamp behind the chair.

If the process works, the person in the chair sees an
apparition appear when gazing into the mirror’s dark shiny surface. Sometimes
the spirit comes out into the room, sometimes it stays in the mirror. Usually
the spirit speaks, so they are able to have a conversation—although not
always the conversation the person is hoping to have.

I gave Gayle the instructions I always give a person in the
apparition chamber. “Take some deep breaths and relax,” I said. “Try to clear
your mind of everything except Sabrina as you look into the mirror. Don’t try
to rush it or make something happen. Just be here. You can stay as long as you
want. I’ll be across the hall in my office if you have any problems. When
you’re done, just come out and we’ll talk.”

An hour went by. The door chamber opened, but Gayle didn’t
come out. I heard loud sobbing coming from the room. When I went in, I found
Gayle collapsed on the floor weeping. I held her until her sobs subsided, gave
her tissues to wipe her face, helped her up and led her into the counseling
room. I got her situated on the couch with a big glass of water, then sat in a
chair across from her.

“Can you tell me what happened?”

“Oof. It was horrible.”

My worst fears realized. Sabrina must have appeared to her in
the apparition chamber, which hit Gayle with the undeniable fact of her death.
I knew that however much Gayle wanted to contact Sabrina, she even more wanted
Sabrina to somehow be still alive. Contacting Sabrina’s spirit would kill her
last hope.

“Can you tell me about it? Did Sabrina tell you what
happened?”

Gayle jerked her head up, eyes wide. “No, no. It wasn’t
Sabrina. Sabrina didn’t come. It was my mother. My crazy hateful mother back to
demolish me one more time. Why did her spirit have to show up? It’s bad enough
that I have to fight not to hear her voice in my head. Now she’s going to haunt
me?” Gayle wailed. “Why didn’t you tell me she could show up?”

Of course I had told Gayle that people sometimes contact
spirits other than the ones they’re trying to reach. But with her focus so much
on Sabrina, she had probably brushed that aside.

Gayle pulled back and sat, face in hands, for a few minutes.
Then she drew herself up, blew her nose, and faced me squarely.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked. “If
you don’t, I respect your privacy. It’s your choice.”

“I would like to talk about it,” she said.
“But it has to be completely confidential. I don’t want my brother Bruce
to know any of this.”

“No worries. Anything you say here is
confidential.”

“My mother could be a real bitch. Hyper-critical. At
least of me. She adored Bruce. Thought he was the golden child. He never
understood why I had such a hard time getting along with her. I tried to tell
him, but he couldn’t see it. Said I took her too seriously. Ha!”

“Can you tell me about what happened in the apparition
chamber today?”

“When I went in there, I was a little scared. I wanted
to see Sabrina, but I also didn’t want to—because if I saw her that would
mean she was dead.” Gayle stopped and sagged sideways, her breathing rapid
and shallow. “I was sitting in the chair thinking about how much I miss
her, when suddenly I heard, ‘Gayle! It’s your mother! Listen to me!’ There she
was in the mirror, glaring at me, just like she always did when she was upset
about something I’d done.”

Tears streamed down Gayle’s face. “She said I’m a
terrible mother. Reminded me she told me I should stay with Frank, that I
shouldn’t be a single mother. She said Nicole’s problems are my fault. Maybe
she’s right. But it sure doesn’t help for her to tell me that.”

“Were you able to tell her how you feel about what she
said?”

“No. She just dumped all that on me and then faded
away.”

“What would you like to say to her if she were here
now?”

Gayle thought for a minute, a few more tears rolling down her
cheeks. “I’d say, ‘Mom, I thought my life would be different. I never
planned to be a single mom. I know you see that as a failure. You never
believed me about what Frank was like as a husband. I know you liked him. Most
women did, unfortunately. He was charming. But he was a liar and a
cheat.’”

Gayle was moving from misery to indignation. Her voice took
on an angry tone as she continued. “Then I’d tell her that at least some
of Nicole’s problems are Frank’s fault. In the ten years we’ve been divorced,
he’s never contributed to Nicole’s support, hardly ever sees her. He sets her
up. Calls and says he’s going to take her on a trip, she gets all excited, then
he cancels at the last minute. She’s desperate for his love and approval, but
he withholds it. No wonder she acts out.”

“That’s tough for her,” I said. “When he does
that she probably feels like it’s her fault—even though it isn’t. What
sort of problems is Nicole having?”

“Nicole has been depressed this past year. Writes a lot
of dark poetry Has piercings and tattoos and spiky hair dyed part blond part
black. I let her do the piercings and stuff to express who she is as an
individual. But maybe it’s gone too far. I want her to talk to a therapist, but
she refuses to go. I don’t know what solution my mother thinks she has, but
from my experience with Mom, I don’t think it would be helpful.”

“Do you have anyone you can talk to about this? Anyone
who can help you think it through?” I asked.

“No. Sabrina was the only person I could talk to. Now I
grab my phone to call her and then I remember what happened.” Gayle
stifled a sob. “I know I need to work though my issues with Nicole. I
guess I need a therapist. Could that be you?”

“I really only do grief therapy,” I said. “We
can certainly work on your feelings about Sabrina. But your relationship with
your daughter is outside my area of expertise. I can recommend someone,
though.”

She nodded. Sighed. “Okay, but first let’s talk about
Sabrina. I tried really hard to reach her in there. I thought about her, sent
her love, asked her to come. But she didn’t show up. Maybe that means she’s
alive. I don’t want to go in there again. There’s no way I want to risk seeing my
mother one more time. And I don’t want to try to reach Sabrina’s spirit
anymore. I think I need to think more positively, to have my intention be that
she’s still alive.”

“It’s certainly your choice,” I said. “But
just because Sabrina didn’t appear in the apparition chamber doesn’t mean she’s
still alive. Often I’ve seen people try to reach someone where it takes several
tries before they do. And sometimes they reach someone else first.”

Gayle stared off into space for a minute or two before she
responded. “I hear you,” she said slowly. “And deep down I don’t
believe Sabrina’s alive. I can’t imagine that we wouldn’t have heard from her
by now. She’s not the sort of person who would run off and leave everyone she
loves without a word. I know that, but I so desperately want her to be alive
that hope creeps in and creates weird possibilities in my mind.”

I thought about the weird possibility involving Erik, but
unfortunately I couldn’t tell her about that.

“Why didn’t Sabrina come to me in Cleo’s apparition
chamber?” Gayle demanded. She paced rapidly around Paige’s spacious living
room, eyes darting from one to another of us as if we could unlock some secret
code for her. “Was it my fault?” she asked. “Didn’t I send her a
clear enough message? Or did she just not want to talk to me?” The Moxie
members and I were gathered around Paige’s fireplace on that cold December
evening to talk about the results of Gayle’s contact session.

Diana jumped up from her spot on the couch, grabbed Gayle’s
shoulders and stopped her. Gayle struggled to keep moving, but Diana stood
firm, her muscular arms holding Gayle in place. “Sit down, sweetie. Stop
blaming yourself,” Diana said calmly as she rubbed Gayle’s back.
“What you’re saying is ridiculous on so many levels. We don’t even know
whether Sabrina is dead or alive, or what factors into whether a spirit shows
up, or…Oh, come on, honey. Calm yourself and sit down.” She gave Gayle a
hug and dragged her toward the couch.

I thought about reinforcing Diana’s message that it wasn’t
Gayle’s fault that Sabrina didn’t appear, but I decided to wait and see how the
group dealt with the issue. I looked around at them. Diana had pulled Gayle
down next to her on the bright red couch facing the fireplace. I was on Gayle’s
left in a comfy tan armchair and Paige was sitting in a rocking chair to sit on
my left next to the fireplace. Lark and Hana were across from us in matching
brown armchairs—Hana on Diana’s right and Lark to Hana’s right next to
the fireplace. As I glanced at them, I tried to deduce their agendas for the
meeting.

Lark’s eyes were closed. I remembered her telling me she
didn’t see Moxie in her future, that she was done with the group. She certainly
looked detached. Maybe she was wondering why she had come tonight, maybe wishing
she hadn’t. Or maybe she was just worn out from one of her twelve-hour hospital
shifts.

Hana wore her usual inscrutable expression, but I knew her
blank look didn’t reflect indifference. A few days ago when she had told me
that Sabrina was the soul of Moxie, she had spoken strongly about Sabrina’s
dissatisfaction with what Moxie had been doing to right what some members saw
as the wrongs women suffer at the hands of men. Would Hana push the group to
explore this as a possible explanation for Sabrina’s disappearance?

Diana focused steadily on Gayle, who was taking slow deep
breaths. I knew Diana believed Sabrina was still alive. And she seemed to
believe Sabrina had gone somewhere willingly. A few days ago—before I
knew that Brandi believed that Sabrina had gone off with Erik—Diana had
suggested that explanation. Would she bring up that possibility tonight?

Next to me I could sense Paige shifting in her seat, getting
ready to step in, to take on her Rivka Ravenstar facilitator role. And she did.

“Maybe we’re all at fault here,” she said, her
voice silvery rich. She leaned forward to the group. “I wonder whether
Sabrina would want to come back to us right now,” she said softly.
“Remember at the circle ceremony the night before she disappeared, Sabrina
begged us to return to the Moxie spirit? Have we done that or even tried? I’m
not feeling it.”

Diana turned her gaze on Paige. “What do you want from
us, Paige?” she asked sharply. “We’re doing the best we can. None of
this is our fault. Trying to guilt us into finding some fake unity isn’t going
to get you anywhere.”

Whew! I remembered that Diana is a boxer. Clearly her skills
extend to verbal as well as physical punches. I could feel Paige deflate and
curl inward as she leaned back in her chair. But I figured she’d regroup
quickly. These strong women continually circle each other for dominance, with
no one member staying in charge for long.

Diana returned her focus to Gayle, leaning in to her and
looking directly in her eyes. “What if Sabrina is still alive and that’s
the reason she didn’t appear to you?” she asked. “You know how
Sabrina takes care of people. She’ll do anything to help someone who asks her.
She keeps setting herself up for unhealthy relationships with narcissistic
men.”

Gayle drew back. “We’ve all had those relationships, so
…”

Diana held up a hand and cut her off. “Okay, we’ve all
had lousy exes. But we learned from those experiences. Sabrina didn’t. She’ll
always fall for a sad story. Maybe some guy from her past—like that Erik
from last summer—said he needed her, begged her to go off with him
without telling anyone. She might have done that.”

I noticed that Lark had opened her eyes and was watching the
interaction between Gayle and Diana intently. Before Gayle could say anything
else, Lark leaned forward and broke in. “Maybe she went off, but she
didn’t go with a man,” she suggested. “You know Sabrina had some huge
issues about Moxie. Things she wanted us to work out. Things I’m not sure we
can work out. Sabrina didn’t want to give up on us, but she was tired of trying
to change Moxie. I think she told us what she wanted us to do—to return
to the original Moxie spirit—and then she went off to see if we could do
it on our own.” Lark folded her arms, sat back and waited for a reaction.

Gayle jumped up and began pacing again. Her face was tight.
“No. You’re all wrong! Sabrina would never go off without telling anyone.
She knows we’d all be worried sick about her. And she’d never leave Ian to
worry this way. You know I want her to be alive as much or more than any of
you. But it’s false hope. You’re looking for some possibility to cling to so
you don’t have to face the fact that Sabrina is dead. But we have to face it.
And we have to contact her so we can find out what happened.”

Paige stood up, walked over to Gayle and gave her a big hug.
“I agree with you Gayle,” she said. “I hate to believe that
Sabrina fell and got hurt somewhere, that she’s lying up there frozen in a snow
bank, but I think it is probably what happened. We all know the mountains can
be dangerous even when you’re careful. I feel responsible because I organized
the journeys, so I would especially like to believe Sabrina is still alive. But
I think if she were alive, we would have heard from her by now.”

After Gayle and Paige returned to their seats, Hana spoke up.
“I agree with all of you in different ways,” she said. All eyes
turned toward her. “I agree with Diana that Sabrina has a tendency to
attract people who need her. Her destiny number is six, so yes she’s a caretaker
type who is loyal, kind and helpful in relationships. If a man like Erik
convinced her that he desperately needed her, she might go off with him. And I
also agree with Lark that Sabrina cares so much about Moxie that she might do
something extreme to force us to solve our problems. But I also think Gayle and
Paige make a good point that Sabrina wouldn’t go off without telling anyone.
Sixes are loyal and responsible and trustworthy with their family and friends.
If she went against that by disappearing, she’d be overwhelmed with guilt. We
would have heard from her by now.”

“So what can we make of that, Hana?” Gayle asked,
impatiently. “Do you think Sabrina is dead or alive?”

“Actually, I lean toward thinking she’s alive. I think
if she had died up there, the searchers would have found her by now. So many
searched so long and so thoroughly. So maybe Diana is right. Maybe she did go
off with some guy. Maybe he won’t let her call anyone. Bad things happen to
women all the time. We all know that.”

Lark had been nodding throughout Hana’s comments. She looked
around at everyone and said, “Maybe instead of trying to contact her
spirit, we should focus on the Moxie spirit—see if we can come together
the way she hoped we would. Maybe if we do that, she’ll come back.” I
wondered why Lark put this challenge out there, given her expressed lack of
interest in Moxie’s future. Maybe out of loyalty to Sabrina?

We all sat in silence for a few minutes. I mulled over the
idea of bringing up Sabrina’s thirty-day plan. It might give us some clues. No
one except Paige had mentioned it to me. Were any of the others in the plan?
Then, as if we shared a wavelength, Paige tossed the issue into the ring.

“I told Cleo what Sabrina said at our circle ceremony
about her thirty-day plan to stop giving too much to too many people in her
life. Cleo said none of you had even mentioned it. I think it could be
important. A step like that is a big change for Sabrina.”

Silence. Dead silence. No one moved or reacted. It was as if
Paige had sucked the oxygen out of the room.

Finally, Diana spoke up. First she turned to me with a fierce
look. “No offense, Cleo. But what happened at our circle ceremony is
confidential. As a therapist, I’m sure you understand that the assurance of
confidentiality is a requirement for an environment of trust when people are
sharing private information.” She clenched and unclenched her fists as if
flirting with the possibility of punching me.

But she was done with me and turned to confront Paige.
“Paige, you of all of us should know that,” she said sharply.
“You set up the ceremony. Why would you share confidential
information?” Diana kept her gaze focused on Paige as she waited for a
response.

Paige held her gaze, eyes wide, face calm. “Diana, I
understand your concerns about confidentiality,” she said soothingly.
“But there are exceptions. We have to think about priorities. If we have
information that might help us find Sabrina, we need to share it and pursue any
leads we find.”

“I didn’t mention the thirty-day plan because I didn’t
think it was important,” Gayle broke in. “In fact I’d pretty much
forgotten that Sabrina mentioned a thirty-day plan. It was probably just a
thought that came to her mind for something to focus on during her personal
journey.”

“No, she had a plan,” Paige said. “I know
because I was in it. She wanted me to pay back some money she’d lent me last
year. She was very firm about giving me thirty days to do it. She told me it
was part of a plan to change her life. Were any of the rest of you in her plan?
Or do you know who else was in it?”

A chorus of “no’s” accompanied by headshaking all
around. Then they all disengaged and sat quietly waiting. These were not people
who jumped in to fill empty spaces with nervous conversation.

But Paige wasn’t ready to let the subject go. “Gayle,
are you going to try again to contact Sabrina?” she asked. “Because
if you do reach her, maybe you could ask her about the thirty-day plan. Maybe
she wrote it down somewhere.”

Gayle winced. “I don’t want to do it again,” she
said. “Maybe someone else should try. Paige, since you’re the only one
besides me who believes Sabrina is dead, maybe you should try.”

Paige didn’t answer, but Hana turned to me with a question.
“Cleo, do we know for sure Sabrina has to be dead to contact us in your
chamber? Could she come to us psychically if she’s alive and trapped
somewhere?”

I took a minute to consider. “I can’t really answer that
question,” I said. “I don’t know if that could happen. As far as I
know it never has. At least not in my apparition chamber.”

“But you teach a class in paranormal psychology at the
university, right?” Hana said. “I googled you and read the
description. Your class covers telepathy, telekinesis, clairvoyance,
precognition, psychic healing, spiritualism, all that stuff. So you must know
about telepathic ways to try to find Sabrina.”

“I do teach that class,” I said, “but what I
know about most of it is academic, not personal. I’m not psychic. I can’t see
the future or find missing people. My only personal experience with the paranormal
so far has been using my apparition chamber to contact spirits of some people
who have died.”

Okay, I wasn’t telling them about Tyler. What would be the
point? They wouldn’t be able to see him and he doesn’t answer questions in any
way they could use.

“Maybe you should talk to a psychic,” I said.
“Boulder has plenty to choose from.”

Hana stared at me blankly for a minute, then looked down at
her watch. “It’s after nine,” she said. “I need to go.”

A relieved chorus of “Me too’s” replied, as the
women stood up and prepared to leave.

“Let’s do a group hug before we go,” Paige said,
“and focus our intent on working together to find out what happened to
Sabrina. Come and join us Cleo.”

The women glanced around uneasily, then slowly gathered in
the center of the room, We stood in a circle, arms around each other. No
smiles, not much eye contact. “Let’s all take a minute to open our hearts,
minds and spirits,” Paige said softly. “Let’s step back and
acknowledge our mutual affection for Sabrina and resolve to help her the way
she would help us.”

We hugged like a unified group, but I felt the remnants of
individual agendas hanging in the air.