Ma, He Sold Me for a Few Cigarettes (68 page)

‘Now, darlin,' Flo said, comin in from the scullery. ‘I've packed everythin you'll be needin fer yer journey. Yer sandwiches ... I've made them with beef an yer favourite Yorkshire Relish sauce. I spread tha over them.' An she put the white greaseproof paper package on the sideboard. ‘An this one's got yer Victoria sponge Granny made special fer ye yesterday when she knew ye was ... eh, not goin te stay, like.' I looked at her, me heart jumpin, but, no, she can't do anythin. I have te go.

Suddenly we heard footsteps, an then the knocker banged. Me heart jumped. They're here! I moved slowly, pickin up me two packages an walked down the hall. ‘Oh! It breaks me heart te see her go!'

The man wit the curly hair was noddin an lookin sad, an holdin his hat an smilin when he saw me. ‘All ready, then? My! Don't you look a sight fer sore eyes!' An he jumped back, grinnin down at me. I lifted me head an tried te smile. An Flo grabbed me an smothered me in her arms, an I went limp. Then she pushed me out the door an then lunged at me, givin me a kiss on the cheek, an lifted me chin an looked inta me eyes an said, ‘Now, my darlin, you keep yer pecker up an always be proud of yerself. You'll be OK! Don't ye fret yerself.'

Curly shook his hat an said, ‘Thanks, Mrs Anderson, thanks for everything.' An I followed him down the balcony an gave a last look back at Flo. She gave me a little wave, lookin sad, an held up her apron wit her other hand, an then I let go. She started te blur, an I turned away, feelin in meself it's all over. An I started te feel empty an cold in meself. An I stopped worryin an thinkin. An it was like I didn't care any more.

We got inta the car, an I sat in the back. I stared out the winda, lookin at nothin. We were flyin past shops, an houses wit big steps up te them, an a girl wit a straw hat on her head, tied aroun her chin wit an elastic band, an a maroon ribbon aroun the rim, an a long coat. She was in her school uniform an was laughin an holdin on tight te a lead an runnin behind a white poodle dog. An her mammy was rushin behind her, carryin her brown leather school bag. If only I was like her, God. Not havin a worry in the world. But I don't think ye're listenin! An I don't care if ye're annoyed or not! Cos ye never even listened te me ma when she lit all them penny candles askin fer yer help. I'm not talkin te ye any more. It's a waste a time. So do wha ye like. I'm not afraid of ye. Strike me dead! Or better still, if ye want te make yerself useful, then give tha bandy aul bastard Jackser an awful death. An ye can make sure he dies roarin! Yeah! I gave meself a shake. I'm not goin te be afraid of anybody. An as soon as I'm big enough, I'm goin te be somebody.

‘Right! We're here!' I looked up shocked. We were here so fast. An me heart started te pound. I held onta me packages, an Curly held onta me arm as we pushed our way through the crowds all headin onta the boat. ‘Stop here!' Curly said, an he moved off te look over the heads of the people all movin towards the gangplank. We waited, then the man wit me shouted an pointed te a woman wearin a big felt hat an a camel coat wit a belt tied aroun it. She was holdin the hand of a boy aroun me own age, an they were followin a porter carryin her suitcases up the gangplank an onta the ship. Curly shook his head an shouted back, ‘Yeah! I see her.' An he rushed up the gangplank an onta the ship. We waited, an then after a few minutes, he came rushin back down again. ‘OK!' he said. ‘She's agreed! She'll do fine. Come on, Martha,' an he put his hand on me back, an we climbed up the gangplank an saw the woman wit the camel coat. ‘This is the child. She's travelling alone to Dublin. You will take care of her?'

‘Oh, yes! I have my own child travelling with me, and she will be perfectly safe. I have managed to secure a berth, two in fact! I shall put them together.'

‘Thank you very much. I know I'm leaving her in safe hands,' Curly said, bowin an wavin his hat at her. ‘Bye, Martha! Safe passage and take care of yourself.'

‘Bye bye, Mister! Thanks very much!' An he turned an rushed off.

‘Come along, dear. We'll get you settled in. Now where is that porter with my luggage?' I followed behind her, an her son stared at me wit his mouth open until he crashed inta his mother, an she grabbed his hand an looked back at me. ‘Stay close now, dear! We don't want you getting lost.'

An we went downstairs an along passages until we came te a door. An she looked at the number an checked her ticket. ‘Yes! This is our cabin.' When we got in, it had two bunks an a little sink. ‘Jeremy, darling! You take the top berth, and this little girl may have the bottom one. Do pop into bed!' the lady said te me. An Jeremy was put inta his pyjamas, an he brushed his teeth in the sink an washed his hands an face. An his mammy combed his hair. An I looked, but I hadn't anythin te wash meself wit, an I had nothin te wear in the bed. So I jumped in wearin me knickers an vest. Jeremy's mammy put him te bed an then kissed him goodnight an whispered, ‘Sleep well, sweet dreams!' an turned the light off an went out. Me an him didn't say a word te each other. An I went out like a light.

I woke up wit the woman shakin me. It was mornin. ‘Get dressed, dear! We are disembarking. Come along, Jeremy. Put on these fresh clothes.' I rubbed me eyes, an yawned, still feelin sleepy, an watched Jeremy.

‘Will Daddy meet us, Mamma?'

‘Oh, indeed! He's waiting for us right this minute. Isn't it so exciting! You can give him all your news.'

Me heart gave a clatter at the mention of Daddy. Jackser! I'm back in Dublin! Oh, Mammy, help! What'll I do? He'll kill me! I jumped up, hittin me head on the top of the bunk, an rushed te get inta me clothes. I stood waitin fer them te get ready, feelin sicker by the minute. The woman snapped her case shut an tied the leather strap an fixed her hat on her head. An she looked aroun the cabin an, holdin her son's hand, passed by me in a whiff of flowery perfume. ‘I'll send the porter for the luggage,' she said, lookin back at them stacked one on top of the other.

We came down the gangplank, an Jeremy flew off inta the arms of a man wearin a long navy-blue coat wit a velvet collar, an striped trousers, wit his shiny black hair combed flat on his head. An he was holdin a hat in his hand. An Jeremy screamed, ‘Daddy! Daddy!' an his daddy swung him up inta his arms. The lady waved an smiled at him over the crowds, an he waved back, showin a mouth of snow-white teeth. ‘You will be all right, dear?' An she looked at me fer a second.

‘Yeah! Thanks very much.' An she turned an rushed off on her high heels, wearin her camel coat an her big-brim hat. An the daddy held out his arms an gave her a quick kiss on the lips, an off the three of them went, off together, him carryin Jeremy in one arm an the other aroun his wife's waist. I thought this was marvellous an was hopin fer a few minutes I might find a way te escape Jackser. I moved through the crowds an came te the entrance. No sign of them! But when I got outside onta the quays, there he was standin wit his hands in his pockets just starin at me. He turned away, givin me a dirty look when I moved towards him.

‘Jackser!' I squeaked, standin a few feet away from him. ‘Eh! I'm back.'

He said nothin. Just stared at me. ‘Ye're not comin back te my home. Go on! Fuck off!'

Then a man appeared, he'd been standin over against the wall watchin. ‘I'm a detective from Store Street. Are you responsible for this child?'

‘This thing is nothin te do wit me whatsoever. She doesn't belong te me. I'm only livin wit her mammy. An she doesn't want her neither. So get it outa here. It's not wanted!'

‘Listen! I can have you up for neglect an abandoning this child. Now take her home and behave yourself. And don't even think of laying a hand on her, because you are already in a lot of trouble. And we are going to be watchin you very carefully.'

‘I know the law!' Jackser roared. ‘Ye can't force me te take on another man's bastard! We want nothin te do wit her, an tha's tha!'

The detective sprang at Jackser an grabbed his arm. An he pulled him over inta a corner an pushed him against the wall. I stood, stuck te the ground, an watched the detective wavin his finger in Jackser's face. I couldn't hear wha they were sayin, but when Jackser started te shout at the man, the detective grabbed him by his shirt collar an shook him. An Jackser clamped his mouth shut, an his eyes stared, an then I saw the fight go outa him. The detective's head was movin up an down very quickly, an he was wavin his finger an makin punchin movements wit his fists te get his point across. An proddin Jackser in the chest wit two fingers an pushin him against the wall. An now Jackser was noddin his head up an down, agreein wit everythin the detective said.

‘Now be warned!' the detective said in a loud voice, steppin back from Jackser an standin wit his feet wide apart. ‘No more blackguardin! Or else!'

Jackser didn't move, he stayed in the corner. ‘No!' Jackser said. ‘I get the point. I'll do as ye say. There'll be no more trouble.'

The man waved his finger an shook his head, an moved off, sayin, ‘Ye'd be wise to heed my warning!' Then he fixed his hat on his head, cockin it te one side over his eye, an swaggered off down the quays an got inta a black car. An the other detective in the drivin seat drove off.

Me heart sank. Is tha it? Are they not goin te lag Jackser an maybe put him away or somethin? Then Jackser started te move, watchin te make sure they were gone. An he stopped te look at me. Me heart started clappin like mad. Ah, Jaysus! He's goin te kill me. I looked aroun me desperate. Oh, Holy God! The Liffey! I looked back at him, then I suddenly lifted me shoulders, stretchin me neck an straightened me arms, clenchin me fists tight by me side. ‘Tha culchie's lucky,' I squeaked, stranglin meself. Jackser came closer, droppin his head inta me face. I took another heave on me chest te get a breath. ‘I'm only sayin, tha red-neck culchie copper is one lucky man! Cos if you hadn't held yerself back, they'd be shovellin wha's left of him now offa the road!'

Jackser's eyes narrowed, an he bared his teeth, watchin me eyes, ready te clock me. Then he cocked his left eyebrow an gave his shoulders a good shake an thought about it fer a minute. I held me breath. ‘Yeah! Yeah, ye're right there! He didn't know wha he was up against. But I spotted the other bollocks sittin in the car. They'd be down on me like a ton a bricks. Mind ye! I could take on the two a them. Let them come! One at a time, I'd show them! The bastards. No better man!' Then he snuffled an rubbed his hands. ‘Ah, fuck them! Come on! Enough time's been wasted.'

Me heart lifted. Thanks be te God. An I ran down the quays te keep up wit him. He was rushin. ‘Ye better get home fast an collect the shoppin bag. There's fuck all in the house te eat. So when ye get the money, make sure ye get as much food as ye can. Now go on! You get runnin, there's no time te waste.'

I took off at a sprint, leavin Jackser te take his time. An me head was spinnin again. When I hit the end of the quays, I turned right an headed over the bridge an inta Gardiner Street. Me heart was sick, an I couldn't find a way out. I opened me mouth. ‘Ah! I can't take any more. I wish I was dead,' I roared me head cryin, an people looked at me. I kept runnin, me mouth wide open, tears an snots pourin outa me. I don't care. An old woman holdin her shoppin bag tight on her arm stopped te stare at me. As I came closer, she said, ‘What ails ye?' I hesimitated, lookin inta her face. But then I moved meself even faster. She can't do anythin.

I looked aroun me, runnin an lookin inta the faces of people. Some looked away quickly. They don't care. Nobody can do anythin. I don't want te get caught by the police an be locked away. I hate me ma. She's no good, she's always wantin me te bring her things! Ah! I wish she was dead. I hate the whole world. I'll kill meself. I'll throw meself under a fuckin car. She's a whore's melt! Me heart is pumpin, an I'm soakin wet. I tore onta the road, headin fer a lorry comin straight at me up Talbot Street. The driver sees me, an he's tryin te brake. I dare him, lockin me eyes on him. An he's turnin the wheel an brakin an slidin, an he's still headin fer me! I'm not afraid. It's goin te be all over. The truck skins me, headin up onta the footpath. I stand rooted, smellin the burnin rubber an seein smoke pourin up from the back. People are stoppin an starin, their mouths open. An now they're runnin. A woman grabs me arm. ‘What's wrong, are ye all right?' she's shoutin inta me face. I look at her.

‘Why did ye do tha?' another woman roars at me. I look at the truck driver. His head is lyin on his arms on the steerin wheel, an he's white as a sheet.

‘Come off the road!' The woman holdin me arm walks me onta the footpath. I can't think. Everythin's a bit strange, an me head is swimmin.

‘Ye ran inta tha truck,' a man roars at me, pointin his finger in me face. ‘Tha was deliberate!' he says, lookin at the two women beside me.

‘I think she's in shock,' a woman says, lookin at me. ‘Get her a cup of sweet tea. Is the poor lorry man all right?'

I look up, an he's talkin te a crowd a people standin aroun the lorry. He's shakin. I gave him a fright. I pity him now I see the bad state he's in. I go up close te the winda an look up at him. ‘Mister!' His eyes are still shocked, an I'm now feelin ashamed of meself. ‘I'm sorry. I'm very very sorry!'

He stared at me. ‘I could have killed ye! I didn't see ye until the last minute!' An he shook his head slowly. ‘Ye ran outa nowhere.'

I shook me head slowly, agreein wit him. ‘Yeah! I should've minded where I was goin.'

‘Here's the policeman!' a woman says. Me heart leapt. I looked aroun, an sure enough a copper was headin straight fer me. I took off wit the fright an lashed down Talbot Street.

‘There she is!' a woman roared after me. ‘Gone runnin, ye little blackguard! Ye nearly gave tha poor man a heart attack!'

I ran, lookin left an right, waitin fer a break in the traffic before tearin across the road between the cars an hoppin onta the footpath, takin a quick look back. Nobody runnin after me. An I shot down Corporation Street an inta the buildins.