Magic Rising (33 page)

“Earth to Stella?” Seren waved her hand in front of my face.

I blinked and looked up. The Winterstorms had all gotten to their feet and were waiting for me. I got up quickly, breaking off eye contact with Evan. “Sorry,” I mumbled, caught unawares.

“We’re going to pay our congratulations. Are you coming?” David asked.

“Oh, yes, of course.” I looked back to where Evan was standing, but he was gone and the distance between us never felt greater than right now. I’ll see him later, I reminded myself. I had an awful lot of questions and I hoped Evan had found some answers.

NINETEEN

The reception for Etoile continued until the sun set and then it turned into a party. Between Etoile‘s election and Donovan’s arrest, there was a lot for people to talk about. The atmosphere turned particularly jubilant now that the vote was settled. Just as the sun disappeared and the lights flickered on, I edged away to go back to my room.

I didn’t think Etoile would mind my absence, given that everyone in attendance seemed to want to talk to her and offer her their congratulations. A couple of them even started to air their grievances.

I had other important things to deal with and the party was a welcome distraction. Evan wasn’t in my room when I returned, but showed up a few minutes later.

“I saw you leave,” he said. “I’m really proud of you. You stood up for your friend.”

“The judiciary would have come up with something if I didn’t say anything.”

“Don’t be so sure.”

“I saw you, too, with the demons at the back of the room. Are you with them now?”

Evan inhaled and closed his eyes. When he opened them again, his pupils were very black and the pitch seemed to spread into his irises. “I made a deal with my father,” he said simply. “And I must fulfill some duties.”

“What kind of duties? What’s going on?”

“I want to tell you. I want to tell you everything. This… ah, shit. It’s a mess. It’s a big, freaking mess.”

I reached for him. “I just want to understand why you couldn’t come for me when I needed you.” As soon as the words slipped from my mouth, I had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was very wrong with the way I felt. It wasn’t a case of witches versus demons, or him being kept from me, or that he couldn’t come. It wasn’t even that the magic from the ring I wore could transport me to him if he so wished. It was a combination of everything. It was everything that had happened from the moment we met. Every little problem. Every time he had to come to my aid. Every time I’d been reminded how powerful he was and how much of a neophyte I was, even if I could only learn through practice from now on, rather than by instructor. All the time we had known each other, our relationship was always very uneven. It was a startling revelation.

“I never wanted to be involved in politics. I’m much better without the problems of our races. That’s why I’ve worked so hard to make my own business. That’s why I’ve worked my ass off to have a life separate from all that. And they left me alone until now.”

“I don’t understand. Evan, please, you have to talk to me. I didn’t have the slightest inkling where you were these past ten days, and then I find out that Etoile knew more about your job than I, and Micah refused to tell me anything. Earlier, you said you were prevented from contacting me, that it was some huge problem; but now you’re here. I can’t understand and I can’t help if you won’t tell me.”

“I don’t want to tell you in order to protect you.”

“I know. But it can’t always be about you protecting me! I need to protect myself.”

“I want to marry you. Some day, I want you as my wife. I want a family with you and I want to know you’re always safe and happy.” His voice cracked as he reached for me. “I want to be the one who takes care of you whenever you need me.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“You’d be better off with Gage.”

I stepped back like he’d landed a blow. “What’s Gage got to do with anything?”

“He’s a decent guy. He’ll look after you. You’d be safe with him.”

“I don’t want to be looked after.”

“You could have a family, live in peace. You wouldn’t have to deal with all this shit.”

“Right now, we’re not dealing with anything. Please Evan, just…
please
. Tell me what happened. Let me help you for once.”

“The demons want a bigger ‘in’ with the witches. Why? I don’t know yet, just that they do. I suspect it’s something to do with the High Council they’re collaborating on. I’ve made a deal with my father. If I work with him, I keep you safe. The protective registry only goes so far. It can be violated. With this deal, I can ensure none of them will approach you, despite the immense magic they sense you have.”

“You already told me that I’m ready. I can keep myself safe now.”

“Not against these demons you can’t. You have no idea how dangerous they are, and until I know exactly what they want, I don’t know what to do to protect you, short of isolating you from everything and everyone you know in secrecy.”

“We can’t do that. I don’t even want to do that. I won’t run just because I’ve been threatened. I’ve done that before. Someone always finds you eventually.”

“I know you won’t.” Evan sighed. “That’s why I made the deal. No matter what happens now, I can keep you safe. I’ve joined forces with my father, and that gives me more clout, more prestige amongst our race.”

“Didn’t you have enough before?”

“Not nearly. My new position provides me with enforceable backing from my father’s clan and his associates. I’m doing this for you, Stella, for us.”

“What if I don’t want you to? What if this isn’t what I want? I don’t want you to compromise yourself just to keep me safe.”

Evan sat on the edge of the bed, his hands on his thighs. I stood in front of him and tried not to let my jaw wobble. Whether it was because I was angry or about to cry, I wasn’t sure. All I knew was I didn’t want to cry in front of him. Couldn’t. Wouldn’t.

“I want to protect you,” he said again.

“I know. I don’t doubt that.”

“I want to keep you safe.” He glanced up at me, and held me in his eyes. I saw a flash of his inner turmoil.

“I know that too.” I pushed my hair back with one hand and took a deep breath. It hurt. “During the trial, and later when Etoile was shot, and when Matthew faked his own attack, and when Esme was poisoned… I hoped, Evan; I hoped that you would come and rescue me because that’s what you do, but you didn’t ever come.”

“And I’m so sorry. I would have come if I’d been able.” His jaw was stiff, his mouth a thin line. His fists flexed open, then closed like he was having a hard time keeping still. “I sent Micah to protect you. I did the best I could.”

He didn’t need to add “under the circumstances” because I got that. I knew. I did understand, even if he thought I didn’t, but that wasn’t the problem. Or, at least, it wasn’t the whole problem.

“I appreciate that. I really do. And Micah was great. He protected me. Please tell him I’m very grateful for everything he did for me.”

“You’ll have to explain it to me, Stella, because whatever the problem is, I’m not getting it.” He rose to his feet and strode across the room, staring at the wall for a moment before turning around to face me. “You said you understood. You said you understood,” he repeated. “I couldn’t come then, but I’ve made a deal and I’m here now. Whatever was going on with the demons, whatever deal was made, it won’t affect you ever again.”

“I know you were in a really difficult position, and I get that. The problem isn’t you, it’s me.” The moment I said it, I realised how lame it sounded. The old “it’s not you, it’s me” BS. I never thought I would be the one to use it… but now it was absolutely true. How could I explain that? I wasn’t sure, but I knew for certain something had changed in me during the past few days. Something had clicked. The fearful part of me that sometimes felt alone and wanted to be saved received a revelation. I wasn’t the same frightened young woman I was in London. I was very different now. Stronger.

“I waited for you to save me,” I began, holding a hand up when he started to interrupt. “And I shouldn’t have. It was wrong. You’ve always come to my rescue, Evan. I know I can absolutely rely on you for anything. Eleanor, Georgia, the witch hunters, this Summit… You’ve always been there for me in any way you could, but it can’t be like that anymore.”

“What are you saying?”

“If we want to have an equal relationship, it can’t be this lopsided. You’ll always be the powerful one; I’ll always be the novice witch.”

“I’m a daemon,” Evan pointed out. “My line is old and I’ve had a long time to learn how to wield my power.”

“I know. So what happens…? I spend the next twenty years getting to where you are now, all the while relying on you for protection?”

“What’s so wrong with that?”

“I want us to be equals!”

“We are!”

“No, we’re not,” I said as my voice cracked a little. “I don’t feel equal.”

“Sweetheart, we are equal.” He stepped towards me, his eyes full of emotion.

“No. We’re not,” I repeated. “You want marriage and a family and a wife to protect.”

“You don’t want those things?”

“I do, but with someone I’m equal to. We can’t have any of those things while I’m your Achilles’ heel. I’m the weaker one. Look how easy it was for your father to manipulate you by threatening me.”

He looked at me as if I’d just told him I was going to marry another man. “We’re going around in circles. I don’t understand this. Why can’t you just accept that I love you, you love me, and we can have a long and wonderful life together trying to dodge our future children’s stray magic?”

“Because if we do this now, if we move forwards like this, we start off wrong. I need to discover my self-reliance, along with my own survival instincts.”

“So, you do that while we’re together. If you don’t want to get married right away, I can wait.”

“But I won’t learn if we’re together.” And there it was. The words that I didn’t want to say, but which I knew were true. Evan was the only man I had ever loved. My confidant, my friend, my lover. I wanted those things, but I didn’t want a teacher anymore, and I didn’t want a saviour. That was the problem. I never truly fashioned a plan that involved rescuing myself. So much for being a fully fledged witch. So much for standing on my own two feet. I wanted to know I could stand up for myself, to know that my power was naturally all mine and strong, to know that whatever happened to me, I could defend myself. I couldn’t do that with Evan always waiting in the wings to rescue me. And he would never see me as the equal I wanted to be, not while I was being used against him. How long would it take for his will to be so far bent that it would break? How long would it be until his love for me turned to hatred?

Looking away from Evan’s stricken face, I felt my heart break for the pain I could see I was causing him now in this little hotel room far away from home. Far away from my house, this room was our temporary home while we tried to decide how to live from now on — together or apart?

“You don’t want to be together?” The words dragged from Evan’s mouth.

I couldn’t say the little word that would finish everything.

“Not ever?” he persisted. “Or just not now?”

“Not now,” I whispered. “Not like this.”

“So what happens? You and I part ways, you feel better about yourself, and what? You call me up and say, it’s on, and you think I’ll come running?” His words were laced with pain and anger. Evan rarely ever said a bad word to me. With my jaw trembling at the harshness of his voice, my magic sizzled in my veins, tickling my skin as it searched for an outlet. “Do you expect me to sit at home and wait for that call? If it ever comes!”

“No.” It killed me to say it, but I couldn’t expect Evan to stop anything for me. He’d already put too much aside, first his job, his life, and now his integrity.

“Then what?” He moved closer. “Wait while you get yourself killed trying to prove you don’t need anyone?”

I breathed harshly and couldn’t look away.

“Don’t tell me you want to break up, but stay friends. I can’t do that.” He reached for my hands, took them in his, and placed his body inches from mine. Every bone in my body ached for me to throw my arms around him, and say that I regretted it, I didn’t mean it, that I was being stupid and I loved him, but something held me back. That little part of me that knew I had to try being me, the me that was all witch. The me that wasn’t afraid to be alone, the me that was no longer lonely, the me that wasn’t the same woman he remembered. The me that didn’t want to be used against him until there was nothing left of us to save.

“I can’t do that,” he said again. I followed his eyes downward to our hands. Our emotions caused our magic to take on presence with colour, and it merged in a way I never thought possible. As I felt mine travel into him and his into me, I could see its power and it was breathtaking. “Seeing you, but not being able to touch you. Speaking to you, but not being able to tell you how much I love you. It will hurt beyond measure,” he whispered.

A tear slipped down my cheek.

“I can’t bear the thought of seeing you with another man when the only arms you should be held in are mine.”

I couldn’t answer. The thought of seeing Evan with another woman hadn’t even factored into my thoughts. I preferred not to imagine how I would feel about that. My chest constricted tightly. Perhaps I was wrong and Evan was right? That we could work through this. That I was every bit his equal.
But you’re not
, said the annoying, nagging voice in my head.
And his clan will destroy all that is good about you.

“I hate this,” said Evan. “I love you, and I hate this.”

Our magic glowed brilliantly around us, and for a moment, it seemed like a supernova existed in the small room, but the star that shone so brightly was us.

“I still have to work with the demons. I can’t go back on that now. This deal can’t be undone.”

“But without me, you can get out of it. Without me, you can find a way to leave. Once they know you aren’t with me, and you aren’t protecting me, they won’t have any hold over you. I don’t know what the hell they want you to do, Evan, but I know that you don’t want this. I don’t want to be used against you. You’ll end up hating me.”