Maid to Love (Man Maid Book 3) (11 page)

Making changes in her life were absolutely necessary if she didn’t want to spend the next forty years doused in self-pity. If she wanted a different life, only she could make that happen. If she wanted Ian Hamilton, then she would have to make that happen, as well. Claiming a normal life had to start with her. No more playing the victim. Changes were definitely needed and they would start with Aunt Corrine. Getting out of bed, Courtney threw on her robe, grabbed her cell phone and headed downstairs.

After fixing herself some red-raspberry-leaf tea she sat down at her dining room table and dialed Aunt Corrine’s number. Courtney could only hope that after all these years of pushing away her beloved aunt the woman would have the strength not only to get past such a devastating personal experience but also to forgive her only niece.

“Courtney? Honey, are you okay?” Aunt Corrine said upon answering the phone.

“No, I’m not okay. I haven’t been okay for years now, but I’m going to be. I need to tell you something, though, in order to start down the road of being whole again,” she choked out.

“Sure, you know you can tell me anything.” Courtney heard her aunt rustling around and only then realized she had probably woken up the older woman. But it couldn’t be helped. This needed to be said—it should have been said years ago.

“I identified the second man that attacked you that day. I’m sorry I didn’t call you myself to tell you that. I’m sure you’ve heard it from the detective by now,” Courtney said.

“Yes, Detective Baker called. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I know how hard that must have been for you.”

“It was hard, but the hardest part,” Courtney said and then paused as her voice broke. “The hardest part has always been that I didn’t defend you that day. I stayed hidden and didn’t even try to help you. I should have fought them off or tried to run for help or something but instead I did nothing. I was such a coward, and I’m so sorry, Aunt Corrine.”

After several minutes of silence where years of pent-up shame made tracks down her cheeks, she heard Aunt Corrine sniff and then say, “Never in my whole life was I so thankful that without having to be told you did exactly what I was hoping and praying you would do. You stayed hidden and quiet. If they had known you were there, they would surely have killed us both. I have never doubted that. They thought they had killed me. I know they did. And I remember thinking that maybe they had and I just wasn’t dead yet. I worried about what would happen to you. That’s the last thing I remember before I woke up in the hospital. If you hadn’t stayed put and waited for them to leave, you wouldn’t have been able to call for help. You saved us both that day, Courtney. I’ve always believed that. I’m just sorry it came at such a huge price for you.”

This time Courtney heard the explanation for what it was…honesty. Aunt Corrine wasn’t just saying it because it was what an adult said to a terrified child who had witnessed something they shouldn’t have. She was saying it because it was the truth, a certainty Aunt Corrine believed with all her heart. It was in her voice and the tearful sighs Courtney heard coming through the phone. The soft crying sounded like a woman finally healing—much like her own sobs sounded.

After several long moments, Courtney said, “I realize that now, but after almost thirty years I’m going to try to do what I have always wished I could have done that day—I’m going to fight for you. I’ll testify and do whatever I need to do to make sure they never hurt another person like they hurt you.”

“I’m glad to hear that, Courtney, not just for my sake, but for yours, as well. I hope you will get through what we are about to experience over the next few months. Those men might not have touched you that day, but they left just as big a mark on you as they did on me. I’m glad you will get a chance to stand up for us both,” Aunt Corrine said.

“Me, too. Me, too,” Courtney managed to say through her tears.

“So what brought all this on? I’ve been waiting and praying for it for years, especially when I didn’t think they would ever catch those men,” Aunt Corrine asked. “Was it having a chance to fight back against them?”

In all honesty it was because Courtney wanted a life that wasn’t so engulfed in bad memories that it didn’t leave room for anything or
anyone
else. She wanted Aunt Corrine back in her life. Hanging out with Jess had always centered on not going anywhere that might make her uncomfortable. She wanted to stop looking over her shoulder. She needed to quit waiting to be attacked herself by some crazed man. Lastly, she ached to be with Ian and not have to share him with almost-thirty-year-old memories.

“I met someone,a man. And I’ve been letting this stand in the way of not only my relationship with you, but also my relationship with him. My friend Jess, you remember her, she called me this morning and said the right thing at the right time, I guess. It got me thinking and wanting something more from my life. I want to be normal, and I’m the only one who can make that kind of a change,” she finished.

“Jess is a real sweet girl. I just adore her, and I’m so thankful she’s there for you when you need a friend, but I want to hear all about this
man
in your life,” Aunt Corrine said with a gentle laugh.

“Ian’s so different from anyone I could have ever pictured being with. He’s like a giant. Seriously one of the biggest men I’ve ever seen, and he has the most unique-colored eyes, and he makes me laugh,” she said, laughing through the last of her tears.

“Where did you meet him?”

“I met him through Jess. He cleans houses and businesses. In fact, he cleans for Jess. But he also competes in mixed martial arts fights. I know that probably sounds really crazy. Me with a gigantic fighter. But he’s such a contradiction. I really like him, but I said some mean things to him a couple of weeks ago and we kind of ended things. I mean we weren’t actually together…I mean not like boyfriend and girlfriend…I mean I just…I just miss him,” she finished quietly.

“Sounds like you have some talking to do with him, just like you did with me. I only hope for your sake and his that it doesn’t take you another couple of decades to tell him how you feel,” Aunt Corrine said with a smile in her voice.

They talked a little longer, catching up on their lives, and by the time Courtney ended the call she was surprised to find that it was already past lunchtime. She did want to go to the fight with Jess tonight, and she could only hope that her being there didn’t make things even worse for Ian. Deciding that her depression party had gone on long enough, she called Jess.

“I do want to go tonight. I’m sorry for the way I’ve been acting, especially lately. I’m also very thankful to have such a great friend. You’re the best, Jess, and I love you. See you around six. I’ll be ready.”

After leaving the voicemail for Jess, Courtney quickly made herself some lunch and went back upstairs to shower and get ready. She also wanted to call Ian, but the ugly words she had said to him still haunted her. Would hearing from her only make him feel worse? Especially right before a fight? Should she wait for him to say something first, so she could better judge if he even wanted anything to do with her at all?

Courtney spent the remainder of the afternoon arguing with herself over whether or not she should call him and finally decided against it. Instead she would wait until after his fight to talk to him.

When Jess showed up almost an hour late, Courtney was surprised when Jess still took the time to hug her and say, “I was so glad to hear your voicemail. There is nothing to forgive. You’re still my other BFF and always will be.”

As they made it to the highway, Jess said, “So are you and Ian all squared away now?”

“I thought it was best to wait until after his fight to apologize for what I said to him. I didn’t want to make things worse for him right before he’s set to fight a monster,” she replied.

Jess looked thoughtful. “I suppose you are right. He’s fought the past two weekends. He lost the first one, but won last weekend, so I can only hope that he has his game face on tonight. He doesn’t need the distraction.”

It was a lot later than Courtney would have liked by the time they made it into the building. The crowd was rowdy and nearly all the seats were taken. She could see Tori, Seth, Kayla, and Ronnie sitting close to the ring, but they didn’t notice her or Jess. There was an empty seat next to Ronnie that was occupied with Kayla’s and Tori’s purses.

Courtney watched as Rusty Hawkins came through the roped off curtain where the fighters waited for their matches. As he made it to where the group sat, Ronnie cleared off the seat for him. Just as Rusty started to sit down, he looked at Ronnie and shook his head as though disappointed or worried.

A sinking feeling hit Courtney just as the ring announcer introduced Ian’s fight.

Chapter Eleven

Ian understood where Rusty was coming from. He probably shouldn’t be fighting tonight, but what else was he going to do on a Friday evening?

It wasn’t fair to continually impose on Ronnie or Seth. They both had families who required their attention, and even though they were good about inviting Ian over, he didn’t feel right about just showing up…at least not on a regular basis. Rusty was a whole other matter. His moodiness had migrated to a new level, making him seem like one of those cranky old men who yelled at kids who came into his yard. Sometimes it wasn’t so bad hanging with him, but other times it was almost painful. Trying to get Rusty to snap out of his funk was a fruitless effort.

Jess was a great friend, but she worked a lot and was often tired after a long day at her job and then training with him at the gym. So he tried not to foist himself on her, either. Maybe Courtney had a point. Had he been imposing on her? He had never thought of himself as
needy
before. He only hung around with her because he was under the impression that she liked him as much as he liked her. If she had told him to back off he would have, but the signals she’d been giving him had spoken of passion, lust and a soul deep need for him, much like what he felt for her.
Even now.

Watching Courtney experience sexuality for perhaps the first time in her whole life only served to draw him closer to her. Her kisses set him on fire. She could lie about it all she wanted, but it was obvious he affected her just as much. He was always careful not to push her too far, too fast, because ultimately he wanted her to tell him that she desired him. Admitting she wanted him and asking him for sex would go a long way in making her feel in control of the situation—or at least like she was sharing the experience with him rather than just submitting to him. She had been close to that point a few times, and he had really thought they were ready for the next step in their relationship—until she had slammed on the brakes and brought the whole thing to a complete stop.

She was pushing him away, and he knew that. But he also knew that if there were any chance of being in a committed relationship with her she would have to trust him with more than just her body. Her heart and soul also needed to have faith in him. He had thought he was making progress with her both physically and emotionally…but apparently not.

The first sign of fear or trouble or whatever was going on with her and she had jaw jacked him and then stomped on his heart. He adored the woman—flat out adored her—but he wasn’t about to let her do that to him on a regular basis. It was better to put a stop to things now than spend years taking that kind of punishment. He just hadn’t expected walking away to hurt so badly.

He was still holding on to an unrealistic hope that she would miss him as much as he missed her and call him so they could talk about what was going on with her. She would figure out that he was there to help, not hurt, in
all
ways. After the first week, hope began to fade and now here he stood, realizing the chances were slim that she would call him. It was killing him, but this time it had to be her who reached out or he would spend their entire relationship always being the one to give. That would never work. Mr. Yazzi was right. There had to be equal amounts of give and take, otherwise the seed wouldn’t grow. The right amounts of rain and sun would produce a hearty plant, but too much of either one and it was doomed. So Ian waited…feeling a little more like he had truly lost her with each passing day.

Stepping into the ring now, he vaguely heard the attention-seeking man across from him cursing and puffing up. That was the one part of the whole fighting thing that Ian just didn’t get. Why people felt the need to intimidate someone they didn’t even know. Sure he didn’t appreciate it when an opponent professed to being able to kick his ass. However, it wasn’t enough to piss him off. He normally fought with his head and his instincts. Jess was always telling him a little aggression would go a long way, but after proving he could hold his own without all the anger and girlie drama she’d let him fight his own way.

Tonight was a little harder, because he couldn’t seem to keep the guy in his sights. His vision was blocked by images of Courtney. Try as he might, he couldn’t seem to shake his heavy thoughts or the pain of losing a woman he had come to love.
Love
. Yeah, he did love Courtney. Faults and all, she owned his heart. It was stupid to keep denying it. Should he have said something to her before now about how much he cared about her? Was that what had made her push him away? Did she think he wasn’t serious about her and was only after sex?

A nice right hook from his opponent brought Ian out of his stupor just as his mind was simplifying things for him and providing information that might actually
help
the whole situation. The physical pain was nothing, but the feeling that the man had just come between Ian and Courtney by pulling his thoughts away from her at such a potentially clarifying point made him mad.
Really mad.
Another punch and a kick to his ribs snapped the last bits of control Ian had left after two weeks without her.

He allowed his anger over the downward turn his life had taken to boil over like a kettle of water on the red-hot burner of a stove. Punching the man repeatedly and returning the kick only seemed to make his opponent angrier. The referee blew his whistle and the bell sounded, indicating the end of the round. Suddenly what had been a professional match became a street fight. The aggression in the audience was palpable and added not only to Ian’s mental state but to his opponent’s, as well. Ian heard the referee blowing his whistle repeatedly, but neither he nor the other fighter paid any attention.

Rusty yelling at him was the only thing that filtered through the haze of rage Ian was allowing to consume him.

“Ian! You have to stop this. Right now!” Rusty yelled.

Ian finally released the man, pushing him back a few steps, only to have his opponent rush him yet again. Seeing the other fighter barrel toward him, Ian pulled out the move Jess had used against him and hit the punk square on the chin. Just as he had done when it happened to him, the man went down, much like felling a tree.

The referee again blew his whistle and yelled over the roar of the crowd, “You’re out, Hamilton!”

Suddenly Ronnie was in his face. “Enough! Back to your area. Now, Sergeant!”

Ronnie actually looked angry, which was unusual for the normally peaceful man, and Ian felt bad about what he had just done. It was unprofessional and maybe even assault.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I’m sorry,” he mumbled as Ronnie grabbed one arm and Rusty grabbed the other. They dragged him out of the octagon, through the black curtain and over to a chair.

All three of them were breathing heavily and were soon joined by Seth, who also didn’t look too happy. His three closest friends in the whole world closed ranks around him, each standing over him with arms crossed over their chests as if trying to decide if he should have to run until dawn over this latest infraction. None of them said anything, and he remained quiet, as well. What could he say? Rusty had been right. He should have never taken this fight. He knew it, and so did they.

The owner of the circuit made his way over. Unable to edge between his brothers in arms, the man instead made his way around to stand behind Ian’s chair.

“Hamilton, you’re done fighting in this circuit. Your blatant disregard for the rules and the referee just sent one of my best fighters to the emergency room. You turned this into a schoolyard brawl, and I won’t have that. I’m sorry, but you’re done here. I don’t want to see you back here as a fighter or a guest,” the owner said angrily.

“I’m guessing the same goes for the other fighter?” Jess said, stepping up to stand next to Ronnie.

“Yes, Reynolds, it does! In fact I’d be willing to say both fighters are finished in this sport for good after tonight’s stunt. Now take your fighter and get the hell out of here before I have you all thrown out!” the man said, eyeing them all and then stomping away.

“Don’t let the big, bad wolf scare you, my little piggy. He can huff and puff all he wants, but the sound of that crowd out there tells me the dollar signs will go a long way in helping him forgive you. I won’t lie. It’s probably going to take a little bit, but I think you need a break anyway,” Jess quipped.

“You know I never fight angry. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been in the ring tonight. My brain was somewhere else and I just…” He tried to explain. “I screwed up, and yet again you all had to save my ass. I’m sorry.”

Looking up at his brothers in arms, who knew what he meant by that statement, he saw each man’s expression change. It was true though and needed to be said. They all had something going for themselves. Ronnie and Seth were both married and attending school for admirable future careers. Rusty owned his own house and business. That left only Ian, the big dummy of the group, to get his shit together. It was obvious after tonight that his attempts weren’t going so well. Yet again they had to bail him out.

Unable to face them, he stood up and pushed the chair back with his leg, grabbed the bag he’d brought and headed out the exit. The ride back from the fight seemed to take forever, thankfully. He needed every moment to pull himself together.

Yes, he had once again fucked up. Like Kayla had been for Ronnie, and Tori had been for Seth, Ian had thought Courtney was going to be his saving grace. Sometimes he wondered if there was such a thing for him. He sure wasn’t as tough as Rusty, who didn’t need anyone.

Somehow over the past couple of weeks Ian had managed to lose the woman he loved. Now he had lost the ability to participate in the one sport he enjoyed and was good at. All he had left was school, which he doubted he could get through without Courtney’s help. For the first time in his life he understood what his mother meant when she used to say that the only thing the world had to offer for someone like her was a bottle of whiskey.

He made it back to Rusty’s house, managed a shower and then lay wide awake long after hearing Rusty return and go to bed. Facing his friends in the coming days would suck, but not nearly as bad as facing the man whose fighting career he might have ruined right along with his own. Whether the man had actually been legitimately angry or not did not excuse Ian’s behavior. Two wrongs didn’t make a right—more pearls of wisdom Mr. Yazzi had shared that obviously hadn’t sunk in as well as his lessons on herbs and roots.

Banging on his bedroom door startled him awake. Glancing at the alarm clock, he realized it was late morning. He never slept in, but between yesterday’s fight and not being able to fall asleep until early this morning, he was exhausted. Sitting up, he threw his legs over his bed and ran his hand over his face just as Rusty opened his door.

“I managed to find information on the other fellow involved in all this mess. It might behoove you to pay him a visit and apologize for opening a can of whoop ass on him last night when he had nothing to do with this bullshit between you and Courtney,” Rusty said. “I trained you better than that, Sergeant. You never lose your head in any fight. You get the job done…period. Now get your ass up and in the shower. I’m going with you to make sure you ladies can act like civilized human beings, but quite frankly I have other shit to do this weekend that doesn’t involve playing daddy to a grown-ass man such as yourself.”

With that, Rusty left the bedroom door open and walked back into the living room. Ian hated that he had pissed off the man. He hadn’t done that in years and didn’t much like it now any better than he had back then. Rusty would expect him to be ready in about fifteen minutes. He managed to hit the shower and get dressed, even straighten his room, in that time, and made it to the kitchen to find Rusty at the table sipping what was probably his fifth or sixth cup of coffee. Another steaming mug sat on the table for Ian. He had earned this ass-chewing and would take it like a soldier. Sitting down, he managed a sip before Rusty started in.

“I can’t pretend to understand what has your panties in such a knot, but I will say this, I have
never
had my head so far up a woman’s ass that I can’t function in polite society. This isn’t combat, soldier, this is life—
your life
, and you will seriously fuck it up if you keep pulling stunts like you did last night. I realize breaking up was your decision, not hers, and I know that your reasons are good ones. However, I don’t think kicking the shit out of a man in her presence and then stomping off like a two-year-old is the way to patch things up with her.”

Courtney had been there?
Great. As if things weren’t bad enough. Courtney had seen what he’d done. Just what he needed, her to see him lose it and become the ogre she’d always expected him to turn into, complete with beating people to a pulp.

“That’s right, Sergeant. Your cute little girlfriend watched you wrestle in the dirt with another man like you were a stark-raving lunatic. It’s one thing to do that shit to stay alive—it’s another to do it for fun. I told you this fighting gig was complete nonsense,” Rusty continued once he knew that his words had hit their target. “May I suggest that you reconsider your career choice and pay someone to help you through school until you’re able to convince Ms. Wells that all my soldiers are respectable men who would
never
harm someone merely out of anger?”

“Did you see her after the fight?” Ian choked out in spite of the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.

“No, I did not. I was too busy dragging your ass back in line. So once we get back from meeting with this man and his manager, so I can carry on with my own day, you might want to try calling her,” Rusty said, standing up.

The car ride took two full lifetimes. He could have sworn that Rusty drove even slower than normal just to annoy him. The silence only added to the awkwardness of the situation. Each time Ian would sigh too loudly or shift in his seat, Rusty would look over at him and frown as if daring him to say something. Rusty was a hard one to figure sometimes, but one thing was certain, whether deployed or stateside, he was an intimidating son of a bitch.