Making the Connection: Strategies to Build Effective Personal Relationships (Collection) (50 page)

So you know well in advance that you’re going to need things from other people. When you think through how you’re going to go about achieving this, think about when you’re going to approach them. Your partner may always go through a period of stress at a particular time of year when several contracts come up for renewal—so that’s not going to be the best time to ask for extra support.

Similarly, don’t approach your boss for a pay raise the month after a salary review, or when the last quarter’s figures have just come in and are particularly depressing—even if you’re the only one keeping them afloat. Much better to ask in the days or weeks after you clinch a lucrative deal.

You make it far easier for people to support you if you approach them when the time suits
them
, and not just you. So consider things from their perspective, and fit your schedule around them as far as you can.

Tell Them What You Want Without Asking

OK, I said on the cover of this book that you could get what you wanted without having to ask. And you can—perhaps not always but most of the time. However, if you need someone else to give it to you, you may need to let them know that you want it. Without asking.

The simplest way to do this, blindingly obvious as it is, is just to
say
that you want it. No asking. So you can let your boss know at your appraisal that you
see yourself moving up the career ladder swiftly, or that you see yourself working ultimately on the PR side of marketing. Next time an opportunity arises for a promotion or new responsibilities, they’ll know you’re interested already. So if they think you have a chance, they’ll come to you.

You can similarly let your friends and out-of-work colleagues know what your aims are. When someone else gets invited to join the board of trustees of the local charity you support, you can say, “Good for them. I’d love to do that.” Someone listening who might not have considered you may well make a mental note for next time.

Let your father know about your friend who always takes her sister on vacation to help with the kids. Tell him, “I think that’s such a good idea. It must be a huge help to have an extra adult there.” Maybe he’ll offer before you need to ask.

If someone’s in a position to help you, and they’d like to support you, why wouldn’t they offer? I’ll tell you why: Because they have no idea that you want it. Apparently one survey of single people found that 98 percent of respondents would like their friends to help find them a new partner, but four out of five had never actually let their friends know this.

Don’t Keep Dropping Hints

Letting people know what you want (without asking) is a really sensible strategy. But while saying outright “I’d like that” or “What a great idea; I could do with one of those” is a sensible approach, it’s not a good idea to keep dropping not-so-subtle hints.

I had an aunt who used to do this. “Oh, if only I could spend Christmas with family. It must be so lovely.” “You’re so lucky to have such nice friends. No one ever asks me to dinner.” The fact is that this used to irritate us all so much that we deliberately ignored the hints. They had a whiny, emotional blackmail quality about them that we just refused to be sucked in by. If she’d just asked straight, “Can I come for Christmas?” we’d probably have said yes. Or indeed if she’d let us know she’d like to come and then shut up about it.

No one wants to be pestered, especially in an indirect manner. So if you’re going for the “don’t ask, just let them know what you want” approach, you need to say it once and then let it alone. Maybe—if you’re not sure they got the message—you can mention it again a few months later, or you can mention it in front of somebody else. That’s it. It’s a useful approach if you don’t want to ask (and sometimes even if you don’t mind asking) but it’s not one you can overuse and get away with it.

Listen, the last thing you want to do is irritate your potential benefactor. So make sure you’re being straight about letting them know what you want, and then letting it drop. Avoid, at all costs, the manipulative hint-dropping thing because you’ll just alienate people that way.

Make It Hypothetical

A variation on letting them know what you want is to express what you want hypothetically. This is no more (or less) likely to achieve the aim. The point is that it’s a direct, straightforward, and honest way of asking, which you might find easier than actually asking. It comes across as being far less pushy—because it doesn’t require the other person to give you a yes or no answer—so if you are remotely under-assertive, it may appeal to you. Here’s how it goes:

• “If ever you were thinking of selling that piece of land, I might be interested.”

• “If a job came up in the PR department, I’d really love the opportunity to apply for it.”

• “If you need another trustee on the board in future, I’d love to be more involved.”

If you’re feeling brave you can turn it around and request a hypothetical answer:

• “If I could find an evening class to learn another language, do you think you might babysit one night a week?”

• “If we find the perfect house and it’s just a bit over our budget, is there any chance you and mom might help us meet the difference?”

• “If Sarah does transfer to the Manchester branch, could I be considered as her replacement?”

This version does require some kind of response, but you’re sounding the other person out rather than asking directly. And it can give you a lot of useful information to help toward getting what you want.

Ask Questions

Here’s another way to ask without actually having to ask. You simply ask the other person what she’d do in your position. How would she achieve the thing you’re after? It’s quite likely that she’ll realize that your best bet is to get her to help and, if you’ve laid the groundwork making yourself someone she’d like to say yes to, there’s a good chance she’ll offer.

So you could ask your boss how she’d go about getting into PR if she were in your position. How would she achieve it? Or tell your mom you find holidays so exhausting with four kids that you’re not sure you can face going away. What should you do?

Be careful not to sound as if you’re deliberately manipulating them into offering to help. That will irritate them and thus deter them. You really are asking for advice, because if they suggest something you haven’t thought of, that could genuinely be helpful even if it doesn’t entail them offering practical help themselves.

Ask for Advice Instead of a Job

Here’s an effective technique for getting a job in a new organization, or a first job, or a position in a voluntary sector organization. As a matter of fact, this strategy got me my first proper job.

Suppose you want to work in a particular field that’s new to you, or in a certain organization, and you want to meet the person who could give you that job. The fact is that if you write or email and ask to
go and see someone because you want them to give you work, they’ll almost certainly say no. No one likes to turn down a job applicant, and it’s easier to turn down the initial request for a meeting.

So you don’t ask for a job. In fact, you specify that you’re
not
asking for a job. You say something along the lines of, “I realize you don’t have any vacancies at the moment, but I’d hugely appreciate your advice on how to get into the industry/organization.” Of course you then explain why you want to work in that field so much, and why you want
his
advice in particular.

Few people can resist flattery, especially when it’s sincere. And without the pressure of having to turn you down, most people will agree to meet so you can pick their brains. Actually, however, if they decide that you’ve got all the passion and brains and commitment and knowledge and expertise they want, why wouldn’t they offer you a job? If not now, then as soon as they have a suitable vacancy? Or they’d recommend someone else to approach, and put in a word or let you use their name. If they like you and think you have what it takes, they’ll want to help you, and they’ll have the power to do it.

Get Someone to Do the Asking for You

If you don’t want to have to ask, why not get someone else to do it for you? No this won’t always work, but it often can. Either you get them to ask directly, or you get them to sound out the other person so you know their likely response. It’ll be much easier to go on and ask for yourself if you already know they’re going to say yes.

Thank you, yes, I have noticed the deliberate mistake. You’ll still have to ask the person who’s doing the asking. I do realize that. Which is why this tactic is for those occasions when it’s easy to ask the go-between. I’m assuming you can ask some people to do some things—it’s just the big stuff you struggle with. Presumably you can ask the dog to sit, or ask your partner to pass the milk, or your kids to put on their shoes. So you need to get someone you
can
ask to do the bit that you don’t feel comfortable with.
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Maybe your sister can talk to your mother about going on vacation with you, so you can have a bit more of a rest from the kids. Perhaps your manager can ask his boss if you’d be able to work from home a couple of days a week. Maybe your best friend can ask that girl you like whether she’d go on a date with you?

This approach has an added advantage in that it implies the go-between is on your side. Why else would they ask for you? And the other person is more likely to give the matter serious thought if you’ve got support.

Tell Them You Need Them

Ooh but people do like to be flattered. I’ve said it before. And I’ll repeat that any flattery must be sincere. Lots of people respond remarkably well to feeling needed, and if it’s true, the flattery isn’t hollow.

If you need someone, why not say so? It will give them a warm feeling, and help them to realize that if they don’t help you, the job of supporting you won’t just be passed on to the next person because there isn’t a next person. You’re relying on
her
. That should focus her mind a bit. Help her to say yes.

Just one thing here—this is another of those times when you have to be sure not to emotionally blackmail the other person. You’re not trying to make him feel guilty about you—you just want him to know that he’s important to your plans. If you tip over into implying that if he doesn’t help you all your hopes and dreams will be cruelly dashed, that’s emotional blackmail and he won’t like it. What’s more, if he has any sense, he won’t help you.

The clue to the difference is in the word “emotional.” If you tell him matter-of-factly that you need his help, and then don’t whine about it, you’re fine. If you allow emotion into the proceedings—being whiny or pathetic or telling him how if he doesn’t help you’ll suffer this or that—that’s when you’ve gone too far. Especially if you keep going on about it.

Don’t Rush Them

I had a boss once who had a great line for preventing people from pressuring him. If ever you tried to push him into a decision about anything he’d say, “If you want an answer now, it’s no.” That was really helpful, actually, brusque as it sounded, because he could easily have just said no without letting on that you might have got a yes if you’d waited. That’s what lots of people do, sometimes without really recognizing that they’re doing it.

The fact is that, for most decisions, no is a safer answer than yes. It simply maintains the status quo—how much trouble can you create just by declining someone’s request? Very little. Whereas saying yes could lead to all sorts of hassle and ramifications and difficulties and unpleasantness. You really can’t afford to say yes unless you’ve had plenty of time to think through all the possible consequences. And if you’re not being given that time—if you’re being put under pressure for an answer—it’s much safer to say no. Not to mention quicker and easier and gets the whole thing off your back.

So if you want to help the other person say yes to you, it’s really important not to rush them into a decision. If they’re really dragging their feet to the point where it’s causing problems, try asking them when they’ll be able to give you an answer. That doesn’t pressure them but lets you know where you stand.

As a complete aside here, I would just remark that this is a brilliant answer to give other people when you don’t want them rushing you. I find it works very well with kids, who try to catch you in an unguarded moment to ask for things you’re not sure they should have. Try saying “If you want an answer now, it’s no” to a teenager, and suddenly they’re happy for you to take all the time you need to think about it.

Give Them What They Want

It would be lovely if everyone in this world was filled with altruism and love of humankind. Well, some of them are of course, but even they still have personal wants, too. So give them something in exchange for saying yes.

I don’t mean a bunch of flowers or a box of chocolates—although there are times when that may be appropriate. I mean
before
they’ve said yes. Let them know that helping you will benefit them in some way.

No, I’m not talking about bribery. I’m not suggesting you slip your boss a brown envelope full of cash in exchange for putting your name forward to head up the next big project. Indeed I’m not talking about making anything conditional on them saying yes. I’m just saying you should draw their attention to any benefits they’ll derive personally from saying yes to you.

If your dad minds the kids for you, he’ll get more time with them, followed by a peaceful evening once they’ve gone to bed. If the next PR manager comes from your boss’s department, that will reflect well on the boss. If your partner helps you lose weight, you’re much more likely to agree to the kind of vacation that entails lazing around in a swimsuit. If your in-laws help you buy a house, you’ll be able to move nearer to them.
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