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Authors: George Bernard Shaw
Man and Superman and Three Other Plays (11 page)
BOOK: Man and Superman and Three Other Plays
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The cottage door opens, shewing a fine starlit night without; and MRS. WARREN, her shoulders wrapped in a shawl borrowed from VIVIE, enters, followed by FRANK. She has had enough of walking, and gives a gasp of relief as she unpins her hat; takes it off; sticks the pin through the crown; and puts it on the table.
Â
MRS. WARREN O Lord! I don't know which is the worst of the country, the walking or the sitting at home with nothing to do: I could do a whisky and soda now very well, if only they had such a thing in this place.
FRANK [
helping her to take off her shawl, and giving her shoulders the most delicate possible little caress with his fingers as he does so
] Perhaps Vivie's got some.
helping her to take off her shawl, and giving her shoulders the most delicate possible little caress with his fingers as he does so
] Perhaps Vivie's got some.
MRS. WARREN [
glancing back at him for an instant from the corner of her eye as she detects the pressure
] Nonsense! What would a young girl like her be doing with such things! Never mind: it don't matter.
[She throws herself wearily into a chair at the table.
] I wonder how she passes her time here! I'd a good deal rather be in Vienna.
glancing back at him for an instant from the corner of her eye as she detects the pressure
] Nonsense! What would a young girl like her be doing with such things! Never mind: it don't matter.
[She throws herself wearily into a chair at the table.
] I wonder how she passes her time here! I'd a good deal rather be in Vienna.
FRANK Let me take you there. [
He folds the shawl neatly; hangs it on the back of the other chair; and sits down opposite MRS. WARREN
.]
He folds the shawl neatly; hangs it on the back of the other chair; and sits down opposite MRS. WARREN
.]
MRS. WARREN Get out! I'm beginning to think you're a chip off the old block.
FRANK Like the govânor, eh?
MRS. WARREN Never you mind. What do you know about such things? You're only a boy.
FRANK Do come to Vienna with me? It'd be ever such larks.
MRS. WARREN No, thank you. Vienna is no place for youâat least not until you're a little older. [
She nods at him to emphasize this piece of advice. He makes a mock-piteous face, belied by his laughing eyes. She looks at him; then rises and goes to him
.] Now, look here, little boy
[taking his face in her hands and turning it up to her
]: I know you through and through by your likeness to your father, better than you know yourself. Don't you go taking any silly ideas into your head about me. Do you hear?
She nods at him to emphasize this piece of advice. He makes a mock-piteous face, belied by his laughing eyes. She looks at him; then rises and goes to him
.] Now, look here, little boy
[taking his face in her hands and turning it up to her
]: I know you through and through by your likeness to your father, better than you know yourself. Don't you go taking any silly ideas into your head about me. Do you hear?
FRANK [
gallantly wooing her with his voice
] Can't help it, my dear Mrs. Warren: it runs in the family. [
She pretends to box his ears; then looks at the pretty, laughing, upturned face for a moment, tempted. At last she kisses him and immediately turns away, out of patience with herself.
]
gallantly wooing her with his voice
] Can't help it, my dear Mrs. Warren: it runs in the family. [
She pretends to box his ears; then looks at the pretty, laughing, upturned face for a moment, tempted. At last she kisses him and immediately turns away, out of patience with herself.
]
MRS. WARREN There! I shouldn't have done that. I a m wicked. Never you mind, my dear: it's only a motherly kiss. Go and make love to Vivie.
FRANK So I have.
MRS. WARREN [
turning on him with a sharp note of alarm in her voice
] What!
turning on him with a sharp note of alarm in her voice
] What!
FRANK Vivie and and I are ever such chums.
MRS. WARREN What do you mean? Now, see here: I won't have any young scamp tampering with my little girl. Do you hear? I won't have it.
FRANK [
quite unabashed
] My dear Mrs. Warren: don't you be alarmed. My intentions are honorableâe v e r so honorable; and your little girl is jolly well able to take care of herself. She don't need looking after half so much as her mother. She ain't so handsome, you know.
quite unabashed
] My dear Mrs. Warren: don't you be alarmed. My intentions are honorableâe v e r so honorable; and your little girl is jolly well able to take care of herself. She don't need looking after half so much as her mother. She ain't so handsome, you know.
MRS. WARREN [
taken aback by his assurance
] Well, you h a v e got a nice, healthy two inches thick of cheek all over you. I don't know where you got itânot from your father, anyhow. [
Voices and footsteps in the porch
]. Sh! I hear the others coming in. [
She sits down hastily
.] Remember: you've got your warning.
[The REV. SAMUEL comes in, followed by CROFTS.
] Well, what became of you two? And where's Praddy and Vivie?
taken aback by his assurance
] Well, you h a v e got a nice, healthy two inches thick of cheek all over you. I don't know where you got itânot from your father, anyhow. [
Voices and footsteps in the porch
]. Sh! I hear the others coming in. [
She sits down hastily
.] Remember: you've got your warning.
[The REV. SAMUEL comes in, followed by CROFTS.
] Well, what became of you two? And where's Praddy and Vivie?
CROFTS [
putting his hat on the settle and his stick in the chimney corner
] They went up the hill. We went to the village. I wanted a drink. [
He sits down on the settle, putting his legs up along the seat.
]
putting his hat on the settle and his stick in the chimney corner
] They went up the hill. We went to the village. I wanted a drink. [
He sits down on the settle, putting his legs up along the seat.
]
MRS. WARREN Well, she oughtn't to go off like that without telling me. [
To FRANK.
] Get your father a chair, Frank: where are your manners? [
FRANK springs up and gracefully offers his father his chair; then takes another from the wall and sits down at the table, in the middle, with his father on his right and MRS. WARREN on his left
.] George: where are you going to stay to-night? You can't stay here. And what's Praddy going to do?
To FRANK.
] Get your father a chair, Frank: where are your manners? [
FRANK springs up and gracefully offers his father his chair; then takes another from the wall and sits down at the table, in the middle, with his father on his right and MRS. WARREN on his left
.] George: where are you going to stay to-night? You can't stay here. And what's Praddy going to do?
CROFTS Gardner'll put me up.
MRS. WARREN Oh, no doubt you've taken care of yourself! But what about Praddy?
CROFTS Don't know. I suppose he can sleep at the inn.
MRS. WARREN Haven't you room for him, Sam?
REV. S. Well, erâyou see, as rector here, I am not free to do as I like exactly. Erâwhat is Mr. Praed's social position?
MRS. WARREN Oh, he's all right: he's an architect. What an old-stick-in-the-mud you are, Sam!
FRANK Yes, it's all right, govânor. He built that place down in Monmouthshire for the Duke of BeaufortâTintern Abbey they call it. You must have heard of it. [
He winks with lightning smartness at MRS. WARREN, and regards his father blandly
.]
He winks with lightning smartness at MRS. WARREN, and regards his father blandly
.]
REV. S. Oh, in that case, of course we shall only be too happy. I suppose he knows the Duke of Beaufort personally.
FRANK Oh, ever so intimately! We can stick him in Georgina's old room.
MRS. WARREN Well, t h a t' s settled. Now, if those two would only come in and let us have supper. They've no right to stay out after dark like this.
CROFTS [
aggressively
] What harm are they doing you?
aggressively
] What harm are they doing you?
MRS. WARREN Well, harm or not, I don't like it.
FRANK Better not wait for them, Mrs. Warren. Praed will stay out as long as possible. He has never known before what it is to stray over the heath on a summer night with my Vivie.
CROFTS [
sitting up in some consternation
] I say, you know. Come!
sitting up in some consternation
] I say, you know. Come!
REV. S. [
startled out of his professional manner into real force and sincerity
] Frank, once for all, it's out of the question. Mrs. Warren will tell you that it's not to be thought of.
startled out of his professional manner into real force and sincerity
] Frank, once for all, it's out of the question. Mrs. Warren will tell you that it's not to be thought of.
CROFTS Of course not.
FRANK [
with enchanting placidity
] Is that so, Mrs. Warren?
with enchanting placidity
] Is that so, Mrs. Warren?
MRS. WARREN [
reflectively
] Well, Sam, I don't know. If the girl wants to get married, no good can come of keeping her unmarried.
reflectively
] Well, Sam, I don't know. If the girl wants to get married, no good can come of keeping her unmarried.
REV. S. [
astounded
] But married to him !âyour daughter to my son! Only think: it's impossible.
astounded
] But married to him !âyour daughter to my son! Only think: it's impossible.
CROFTS Of course it's impossible. Don't be a fool, Kitty.
MRS. WARREN [
nettled
] Why not? Isn't my daughter good enough for your son?
nettled
] Why not? Isn't my daughter good enough for your son?
REV. S. But surely, my dear Mrs. Warren, you know the reasonâ
MRS. WARREN [
defiantly
] I know no reasons. If you know any, you can tell them to the lad, or to the girl, or to your congregation, if you like.
defiantly
] I know no reasons. If you know any, you can tell them to the lad, or to the girl, or to your congregation, if you like.
REV. S. [
helplessly
] You know very well that I couldn't tell anyone the reasons. But my boy will believe me when I tell him there are reasons.
helplessly
] You know very well that I couldn't tell anyone the reasons. But my boy will believe me when I tell him there are reasons.
FRANK Quite right, Dad: he will. But has your boy's conduct ever been influenced by your reasons?
CROFTS You can't marry her; and that's all about it. [
He gets up and stands on the hearth, with his back to the fireplace, frowning determinedly.
]
He gets up and stands on the hearth, with his back to the fireplace, frowning determinedly.
]
MRS. WARREN [
turning on him sharply
] What have you got to do with it, pray?
turning on him sharply
] What have you got to do with it, pray?
FRANK [
with his prettiest lyrical cadence
] Precisely what I was going to ask, myself, in my own graceful fashion.
with his prettiest lyrical cadence
] Precisely what I was going to ask, myself, in my own graceful fashion.
CROFTS [
to MRS. WARREN
] I suppose you don't want to marry the girl to a man younger than herself and without either a profession or twopence to keep her on. Ask Sam, if you don't believe me. [
To the REV. S.
] How much more money are you going to give him?
to MRS. WARREN
] I suppose you don't want to marry the girl to a man younger than herself and without either a profession or twopence to keep her on. Ask Sam, if you don't believe me. [
To the REV. S.
] How much more money are you going to give him?
REV. S. Not another penny. He has had his patrimony; and he spent the last of it in July. [
MRS. WARREN's face falls.
]
MRS. WARREN's face falls.
]
CROFTS [
watching her
] There! I told you. [
He resumes his place on the settle and puts up his legs on the seat again, as if the matter were finally disposed of.
]
watching her
] There! I told you. [
He resumes his place on the settle and puts up his legs on the seat again, as if the matter were finally disposed of.
]
FRANK [
plaintively
] This is ever so mercenary. Do you suppose Miss Warren's going to marry for money? If we love one anotherâ
plaintively
] This is ever so mercenary. Do you suppose Miss Warren's going to marry for money? If we love one anotherâ
MRS. WARREN Thank you. Your love's a pretty cheap commodity, my lad. If you have no means of keeping a wife, that settles it: you can't have Vivie.
FRANK [
much amused
] What do you say, govânor, eh?
much amused
] What do you say, govânor, eh?
REV. S. I agree with Mrs. Warren.
FRANK And good old Crofts has already expressed his opinion.
CROFTS [
turning angrily on his elbow
] Look here: I want none of y o u r cheek.
turning angrily on his elbow
] Look here: I want none of y o u r cheek.
FRANK [
pointedly
] Iâmeverso sorry to surprise you, Crofts; but you allowed yourself the liberty of speaking to me like a father a moment ago. One father is enough, thank you. CROFTS [
contemptuously
] Yah! [
He turns away again.
]
pointedly
] Iâmeverso sorry to surprise you, Crofts; but you allowed yourself the liberty of speaking to me like a father a moment ago. One father is enough, thank you. CROFTS [
contemptuously
] Yah! [
He turns away again.
]
FRANK [
rising
] Mrs. Warren: I cannot give my Vivie up even for your sake.
rising
] Mrs. Warren: I cannot give my Vivie up even for your sake.
MRS. WARREN [
muttering
] Young scamp!
muttering
] Young scamp!
FRANK [
continuing
] And as you no doubt intend to hold out other prospects to her, I shall lose no time in placing my case before her. [
They stare at him; and he begins to declaim gracefully
]
continuing
] And as you no doubt intend to hold out other prospects to her, I shall lose no time in placing my case before her. [
They stare at him; and he begins to declaim gracefully
]
He either fears his fate too much,
Or his deserts are small,
That dares not put it to the touch
To gain or lose it all.
n
Or his deserts are small,
That dares not put it to the touch
To gain or lose it all.
n
Â
[
The cottage door opens whilst he is reciting; and VIVIE and PRAED come in. He breaks off. PRAED puts his hat on the dresser. There is an immediate improvement in the company's behaviour. CROFTS takes down his legs from the settle and pulls himself together as PRAED joins him at the fireplace. MRS. WARREN loses her ease of manner, and takes refuge in querulousness.
]
The cottage door opens whilst he is reciting; and VIVIE and PRAED come in. He breaks off. PRAED puts his hat on the dresser. There is an immediate improvement in the company's behaviour. CROFTS takes down his legs from the settle and pulls himself together as PRAED joins him at the fireplace. MRS. WARREN loses her ease of manner, and takes refuge in querulousness.
]
MRS. WARREN Wherever have you been, Vivie?
VIVIE [
taking off her hat and throwing it carelessly on the table
] On the hill.
taking off her hat and throwing it carelessly on the table
] On the hill.
MRS. WARREN Well, you shouldn't go off like that without letting me know. How could I tell what had become of youâand night coming on, too!
VIVIE [
going to the door of the inner room and opening it, ignoring her mother
] Now, about supper? We shall be rather crowded in here, I'm afraid.
going to the door of the inner room and opening it, ignoring her mother
] Now, about supper? We shall be rather crowded in here, I'm afraid.
MRS. WARREN Did you hear what I said, Vivie?
VIVIE [
quietly
] Yes, mother. [
Reverting to the supper difficulty
.] How many are we? [
Counting.
] One, two, three, four, five, six. Well, two will have to wait until the rest are done: Mrs. Alison has only plates and knives for four.
quietly
] Yes, mother. [
Reverting to the supper difficulty
.] How many are we? [
Counting.
] One, two, three, four, five, six. Well, two will have to wait until the rest are done: Mrs. Alison has only plates and knives for four.
PRAED Oh, it doesn't matter about me. Iâ
VIVIE You have had a long walk and are hungry, Mr. Praed: you shall have your supper at once. I can wait myself. I want one person to wait with me. Frank: are you hungry?
FRANK Not the least in the worldâcompletely off my peck, in fact.
MRS. WARREN [
to CROFTS
] Neither are you, George. You can wait.
to CROFTS
] Neither are you, George. You can wait.
CROFTS Oh, hang it, I've eaten nothing since tea-time. Can't Sam do it?
FRANK Would you starve my poor father?
REV. S. [
testily
] Allow me to speak for myself, sir. I am perfectly willing to wait.
testily
] Allow me to speak for myself, sir. I am perfectly willing to wait.
VIVIE [
decisively
] There's no need. Only two are wanted. [
She opens the door of the inner room.
] Will you take my mother in, Mr. Gardner. [
The REV. S. takes MRS. WARREN; and they pass into the next room. PRAED and CROFTS follow. All except PRAED clearly disapprove of the arrangement, but do not know how to resist it. VIVIE stands at the door looking in at them.
] Can you squeeze past to that corner, Mr. Praed: it's rather a tight fit. Take care of your coat against the white-washâthat's right. Now, are you all comfortable?
decisively
] There's no need. Only two are wanted. [
She opens the door of the inner room.
] Will you take my mother in, Mr. Gardner. [
The REV. S. takes MRS. WARREN; and they pass into the next room. PRAED and CROFTS follow. All except PRAED clearly disapprove of the arrangement, but do not know how to resist it. VIVIE stands at the door looking in at them.
] Can you squeeze past to that corner, Mr. Praed: it's rather a tight fit. Take care of your coat against the white-washâthat's right. Now, are you all comfortable?
PRAED [
within
] Quite, thank you.
within
] Quite, thank you.
MRS. WARREN [
within
] Leave the door open, dearie. [
FRANK looks at VIVIE; then steals to the cottage door and softly sets it wide open.
] Oh, Lor' , what a draught! You'd better shut it, dear. [
VIVIE shuts it promptly. FRANK noiselessly shuts the cottage door
.]
within
] Leave the door open, dearie. [
FRANK looks at VIVIE; then steals to the cottage door and softly sets it wide open.
] Oh, Lor' , what a draught! You'd better shut it, dear. [
VIVIE shuts it promptly. FRANK noiselessly shuts the cottage door
.]
FRANK [
exulting
] Aha! Got rid of âem. Well, Vivvums: what do you think of my governor!
exulting
] Aha! Got rid of âem. Well, Vivvums: what do you think of my governor!
VIVIE [
preoccupied and serious
] I've hardly spoken to him. He doesn't strike me as being a particularly able person.
preoccupied and serious
] I've hardly spoken to him. He doesn't strike me as being a particularly able person.
FRANK Well, you know, the old man is not altogether such a fool as he looks. You see, he's rector here; and in trying to live up to it he makes a much bigger ass of himself than he really is. No, the govânor ain't so bad, poor old chap; and I don't dislike him as much as you might expect. He means well. How do you think you'll get on with him?
VIVIE [
rather grimly
] I don't think my future life will be much concerned with him, or with any of that old circle of my motherâs, except perhaps Praed. What do you think of my mother?
rather grimly
] I don't think my future life will be much concerned with him, or with any of that old circle of my motherâs, except perhaps Praed. What do you think of my mother?
FRANK Really and truly?
VIVIE Yes, really and truly.
FRANK Well, she's ever so jolly. But she's rather a caution, isn't she? And Crofts! Oh, my eye, Crofts!
VIVIE What a lot, Frank!
FRANK What a crew!
VIVIE [
with intense contempt for them
] If I thought that
I
was like thatâthat I was going to be a waster, shifting along from one meal to another with no purpose, and no character, and no grit in me, I'd open an artery and bleed to death without one moment's hesitation.
with intense contempt for them
] If I thought that
I
was like thatâthat I was going to be a waster, shifting along from one meal to another with no purpose, and no character, and no grit in me, I'd open an artery and bleed to death without one moment's hesitation.
FRANK Oh, no, you wouldn't. Why should they take any grind when they can afford not to? I wish I had their luck. No: what I object to is their form. It isn't the thing: it's slovenly, ever so slovenly.
VIVIE Do you think your form will be any better when you're as old as Crofts, if you don't work?
BOOK: Man and Superman and Three Other Plays
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