Man and Superman and Three Other Plays (59 page)

 

THE CHIEF Friends and fellow brigands. I have a proposal to make to this meeting. We have now spent three evenings in discussing the question Have Anarchists or Social-Democrats the most personal courage? We have gone into the principles of Anarchism and Social-Democracy at great length. The cause of Anarchy has been ably represented by our one Anarchist, who doesn't know what Anarchism means
[laughter]
—

THE ANARCHIST
[rising]
A point of order, Mendoza—

MENDOZA [
forcibly
] No, by thunder: your last point of order took half an hour. Besides, Anarchists don't believe in order.

THE ANARCHIST
[mild, polite but persistent: he is, in fact, the respectable looking elderly man in the celluloid collar and cuffs
] That is a vulgar error. I can prove—

MENDOZA Order, order.

THE OTHERS
[shouting]
Order, order. Sit down. Chair! Shut up.
THE ANARCHIST is suppressed.

MENDOZA On the other hand we have three Social-Democrats among us. They are not on speaking terms; and they have put before us three distinct and incompatible views of Social-Democracy.

THE THREE MEN IN SCARLET TIES I. Mr. Chairman, I protest. A personal explanation. 2. It's a lie. I never said so. Be fair, Mendoza. 3. Je demande la parole. C‘est absolument faux. C' est faux! faux!! faux!!! Assas-s-s-s-sin! !!!!!
^dn

MENDOZA Order, order.

THE OTHERS Order, order, order! Chair!

MENDOZA Now, we tolerate all opinions here. But after all, comrades, the vast majority of us are neither Anarchists nor Socialists, but gentlemen and Christians.

THE MAJORITY
[shouting assent]
Hear, hear! So we are. Right.

THE ROWDY SOCIAL-DEMOCRAT
[smarting under suppression]
You ain't no Christian. You're a Sheeny, you are.

MENDOZA
[with crushing
magnanimity] My friend:
I
am an exception to all rules. It is true that I have the honor to be a Jew; and when the Zionists need a leader to reassemble our race on its historic soil of Palestine, Mendoza will not be the last to volunteer [
sympathetic applause
—
hear, hear, & c.
]
.
But I am not a slave to any superstition. I have swallowed all the formulas, even that of Socialism; though, in a sense, once a Socialist, always a Socialist.

THE SOCIAL-DEMOCRATS Hear, hear!

MENDOZA But I am well aware that the ordinary man—even the ordinary brigand, who can scarcely be called an ordinary man [
Hear, hear!
]-is not a philosopher. Common sense is good enough for him; and in our business affairs common sense is good enough for me. Well, what is our business here in the Sierra Nevada, chosen by the Moors as the fairest spot in Spain? Is it to discuss abstruse questions of political economy? No: it is to hold up motor cars and secure a more equitable distribution of wealth.

THE SULKY SOCIAL-DEMOCRAT All made by labor, mind you.

MENDOZA [
urbanely
] Undoubtedly. All made by labor, and on its way to be squandered by wealthy vagabonds in the dens of vice that disfigure the sunny shores of the Mediterranean. We intercept that wealth. We restore it to circulation among the class that produced it and that chiefly needs it—the working class. We do this at the risk of our lives and liberties, by the exercise of the virtues of courage, endurance, foresight, and abstinence—especially abstinence. I myself have eaten nothing but prickly pears and broiled rabbit for three days.

THE SULKY SOCIAL-DEMOCRAT
[stubbornly]
No more ain't we.

MENDOZA [
indignantly
] Have I taken more than my share?

THE SULKY SOCIAL-DEMOCRAT [
unmoved
] Why should you?

THE ANARCHIST Why should he not? To each according to his needs: from each according to his means.

THE FRENCHMAN [
shaking hisfist at the ANARCHIST
] Fumiste!
^do

MENDOZA [
diplomatically
] I agree with both of you.

THE GENUINELY ENGLISH BRIGANDS Hear, hear! Bravo, Mendoza!

MENDOZA What I say is, let us treat one another as gentlemen, and strive to excel in personal courage only when we take the field.

THE ROWDY SOCIAL-DEMOCRAT [
derisively
] Shikespear.
A whistle comes from the goatherd on the hill. He springs up and points excitedly forward along the road to the north.

THE GOATHERD Automobile! Automobile! [
He rushes down the hill and joins the rest, who all scramble to their feet
]
.

MENDOZA [
in ringing tones
] To arms! Who has the gun?

THE SULKY SOCIAL-DEMOCRAT [
handing a rifle to MENDOZA
] Here.

MENDOZA Have the nails been strewn in the road?

THE ROWDY SOCIAL-DEMOCRAT Two ahnces of em.

MENDOZA Good! [
To the Frenchman
] With me, Duval. If the nails fail, puncture their tires with a bullet. [
He gives the rifle to DUVAL, who follows him up the hill. MENDOZA produces an opera glass. The others hurry across to the road and disappear to the north
]
.

MENDOZA [
on the hill, using his glass
] Two only, a capitalist and his chauffeur. They look English.

DUVAL Angliche! Aoh yess. Cochons! [
Handling the rifle
] Faut tirer, n‘est-ce-pas?
^dp

MENDOZA No: the nails have gone home. Their tire is down: they stop.

DUVAL [
shouting to the others
] Fondez sur eux, nom de Dieu!
^dq

MENDOZA [
rebuking his excitement
] Du calme,
^dr
Duval: keep your hair on. They take it quietly. Let us descend and receive them.
MENDOZA descends, passing behind the fire and coming forward, whilst TANNER and STRAKER, in their motoring goggles, leather coats, and caps, are led in from the road by the brigands.

TANNER Is this the gentleman you describe as your boss? Does he speak English?

THE ROWDY SOCIAL-DEMOCRAT Course he does. Y' downt suppowz we Hinglishmen lets ahrselves be bossed by a bloomin Spenniard, do you?

MENDOZA [
with dignity
] Allow me to introduce myself: Mendoza, President of the League of the Sierra! [
Posing loftily
] I am a brigand: I live by robbing the rich.

TANNER [
promptly
] I am a gentleman: I live by robbing the poor. Shake hands.

THE ENGLISH SOCIAL-DEMOCRATS Hear, hear!

STRAKER Ere! where do I come in?

TANNER [
introducing
] My friend and chauffeur.

THE SULKY SOCIAL-DEMOCRAT [
suspiciously
] Well, which is he? friend or show-foor? It makes all the difference, you know.

MENDOZA
[explaining]
We should expect ransom for a friend. A professional chauffeur is free of the mountains. He even takes a trifling percentage of his principal's ransom if he will honor us by accepting it.

STRAKER I see. Just to encourage me to come this way again. Well, I'll think about it.

DUVAL
[impulsively rushing across to STRAKER]
Mon frere!
^ds
[
He embraces him rapturously and kisses him on both cheeks].

STRAKER [
disgusted
] Ere, git out: don't be silly. Who are you, pray?

DUVAL Duval: Social-Democrat.

STRAKER Oh, you're a Social-Democrat, are you?

THE ANARCHIST He means that he has sold out to the parliamentary humbugs and the bourgeoisie. Compromise! that is his faith.

DUVAL [
furiously
] I understand what he say. He say Bourgeois. He say Compromise. Jamais de la vie! Miserable menteur—
^dt

STRAKER See here, Captain Mendoza, ow much o this sort o thing do you put up with here? Are we avin a pleasure trip in the mountains, or are we at a Socialist meetin?

THE MAJORITY Hear, hear! Shut up. Chuck it. Sit down, &c. &c. [
The Social-Democrats and the ANARCHIST are bustled into the background. STRAKER, after superintending this proceeding with satisfaction, places himself on MENDOZA's left, TANNER being on his right
]
.

MENDOZA Can we offer you anything? Broiled rabbit and prickly pears—

TANNER Thank you: we have dined.

MENDOZA [
to his followers
] Gentlemen: business is over for the day. Go as you please until morning.

STRAKER [
calling after them]
Don't none of you go fooling with that car, d‘ye hear?

MENDOZA No fear, Monsieur le Chauffeur. The first one we captured cured us of that.

STRAKER [
interested
] What did it do?

MENDOZA It carried three brave comrades of ours, who did not know how to stop it, into Granada, and capsized them opposite the police station. Since then we never touch one without sending for the chauffeur. Shall we chat at our ease?

TANNER By all means.

MENDOZA It is the custom in Spain always to put off business until to-morrow. In fact, you have arrived out of office hours. However, if you would prefer to settle the question of ransom at once, I am at your service.

TANNER To-morrow will do for me. I am rich enough to pay anything in reason.

MENDOZA [
respecifully, much struck by this admission
] You are a remarkable man, sir. Our guests usually describe themselves as miserably poor.

TANNER Pooh! Miserably poor people don't own motor cars.

MENDOZA Precisely what we say to them.

TANNER Treat us well: we shall not prove ungrateful.

STRAKER No prickly pears and broiled rabbits, you know. Don't tell me you can't do us a bit better than that if you like.

MENDOZA Wine, kids, milk, cheese and bread can be procured for ready money.

STRAKER [
graciously
] Now you're talking.

TANNER Are you all Socialists here, may I ask?

MENDOZA [
repudiating this humiliating misconception
] Oh no, no, no: nothing of the kind, I assure you. We naturally have modern views as to the justice of the existing distribution of wealth: otherwise we should lose our self-respect. But nothing that you could take exception to, except two or three faddists.

TANNER I had no intention of suggesting anything discreditable. In fact, I am a bit of a Socialist myself.

STRAKER [
drily
] Most rich men are, I notice.

MENDOZA Quite so. It has reached us, I admit. It is in the air of the century.

STRAKER Socialism must be looking up a bit if your chaps are taking to it.

MENDOZA That is true, sir. A movement which is confined to philosophers and honest men can never exercise any real political influence: there are too few of them. Until a movement shews itself capable of spreading among brigands, it can never hope for a political majority.

TANNER But are your brigands any less honest than ordinary citizens?

MENDOZA Sir: I will be frank with you. Brigandage is abnormal. Abnormal professions attract two classes: those who are not good enough for ordinary bourgeois life and those who are too good for it. We are dregs and scum, sir: the dregs very filthy, the scum very superior.

STRAKER Take care! some o the dregs'll hear you.

MENDOZA It does not matter: each brigand thinks himself scum, and likes to hear the others called dregs.

TANNER Come! you are a wit. [
MENDOZA inclines his head,flattered].
May one ask you a blunt question?

MENDOZA As blunt as you please.

TANNER How does it pay a man of your talent to shepherd such a flock as this on broiled rabbit and prickly pears? I have seen men less gifted, and I'll swear less honest, supping at the Savoy on foie gras and champagne.

MENDOZA Pooh! they have all had their turn at the broiled rabbit, just as I shall have my turn at the Savoy. Indeed, I have had a turn there already—as waiter.

TANNER A waiter! You astonish me!

MENDOZA [
reflectively
] Yes: I, Mendoza of the Sierra, was a waiter. Hence, perhaps, my cosmopolitanism. [
With sudden intensity
] Shall I tell you the story of my life?

STRAKER [
apprehensively
] If it ain't too long, old chap—

TANNER
[interrupting him
] Tsh-sh: you are a Philistine, Henry: you have no romance in you. [To
MENDOZA]
You interest me extremely, President. Never mind Henry: he can go to sleep.

MENDOZA The woman I loved—

STRAKER Oh, this is a love story, is it? Right you are. Go on: I was only afraid you were going to talk about yourself.

MENDOZA Myself! I have thrown myself away for her sake: that is why I am here. No matter: I count the world well lost for her. She had, I pledge you my word, the most magnificent head of hair I ever saw. She had humor; she had intellect; she could cook to perfection; and her highly strung temperament made her uncertain, incalculable, variable, capricious, cruel, in a word, enchanting.