Man Who Loved Pride and Prejudice (30 page)

   "Like what?" Calder's voice was rough.

   "Let's see—my first lover was black. That would be enough right there, wouldn't it?" She waited numbly to see if he would take his arm away. None of her friends would think twice about this piece of her history, but this was Senator Westing's son, a southern aristocrat. "He'd be happy to talk about me, too. He was proud of being the one who finally got me in bed, even if it was my idea. Not that I wanted to, but I needed him."

   "You needed him?" Calder's voice was altogether too level.

   She shook her head. "Not that way. For protection."

   He reached out and put his hand over hers silently, but she could hear the question he was trying not to ask.

   It didn't matter anymore. She already felt miles away from him. "Girls in my neighborhood who didn't have someone to protect them were fair game. I chose Jamal as a better option. I'd known him since we were kids and he'd always been good to me. And he liked me enough to be willing to use a condom, provided I bought it."

   "Did he protect you?" Calder's tone was neutral. So the withdrawal had begun.

   "He didn't have to. He was in a gang, so nobody was going to mess with his girlfriend."

"I'm so sorry you had to go through that."

   She could feel Calder's tension and wondered whether he was sorry he came back. "I don't need pity. I did what I had to. I hung with the gang, did a little petty thievery for them. There are worse lives."

   "The fugitive—was that Jamal?"

   "Jamal? No, I haven't heard from him since I got on the bus to go to college." She paused, looking into the fire. "That was my brother."

   "Your brother?"

   "Ryan. He's in prison now. I don't want to talk about him." She picked up her hot chocolate again, but its warm sweetness couldn't soothe the pain inside her. "So you can see I'm not the kind of woman you can bring home to meet your parents."

   "I don't care what my parents think. I'm even more impressed with you now than I was before."

   She shook her head. "Thanks for the compliment, but that's not how the rest of the world would see it."

   "I bet it never stopped Erin from thinking well of you."

   "Erin doesn't know any of this. Nobody does." Her words seemed to echo in the air.

   He wrapped his fingers around hers. "Thank you for trusting me with it."

   The odd thing was that she was glad he knew, even if they never saw each other again. "I don't think you'll repeat it, and you don't intersect with the rest of my world anyway."

   "I will if I take the job at Haverford."

   The shock almost made her spill hot chocolate across her lap. "You said you were withdrawing your application."

   He looked down, as if fascinated by something on the floor. "I know. I couldn't do it."

   "What do you mean? All you have to do is write a letter."

   "A letter that meant I was giving up my last hope with you."

   "Calder, haven't you been listening to anything I've said? You can't be involved with a woman like me. Your family would disown you." It felt hypocritical to say when she wanted him to stay, but it was true.

   "It wouldn't be the first time. That's why I went to Ecuador, but that's another story."

   Her throat was tight. Needing distance, she stood and went over to her desk and then turned back to face him. "Then what about me? Even if I survived all these revelations, what happens to me in a year or two when you move on? I'm left with everyone knowing my humiliating past and nothing else."

   "What makes you so sure I'll be moving on?"

   "Because I'm a realist. You're Calder Westing, and I'm the girl from the slums." She rested her hand on a pile of scientific journals, feeling the slick paper beneath her fingers. This was her life, and she had to defend it against him. And against herself.

   "I'm a man, and you're the woman I love."

   "It's not that simple. You fell in love with a woman who doesn't exist. I made her up so no one would know the truth."

   The desperation in her voice must have finally impacted him. "I fell in love with a woman who smiled when she saw me enjoying myself. A woman who was witty, intelligent, dedicated, and loyal. A woman who loved the salt marsh so much I could see it sparkling all over her, just like the bioluminescence. A woman who was excited by her work and what it meant. Now tell me what part of that doesn't exist."

   Cassie turned away so he wouldn't see her tears. "I guess you can be articulate enough when you want to."

   She heard his footsteps and felt his arms go around her. "Did you really think this would change how I felt?"

   She nodded, hiding her face in his shoulder.

   "If anyone should change their opinion, it's you," Calder said, his voice rough. "I'm being the selfish rich boy you thought I was, thinking only about what I want and not caring that you'd be the one paying the price."

   She looked up at him then and touched her fingertip to his lips. "I know you care. You're just used to the idea you can have things if you want them badly enough. I've never been under that illusion."

   "Isn't there any in-between ground? Some way we could see each other a little, without anyone finding out? If I took the job here, no one would think twice about it if I'm seen with you occasionally."

   The urge to say yes was almost overpowering. "I want to be with you. I really do. But it would be dangerous."

   He slipped his hand under her blouse again, letting it rest just above her hip. "We could cover it up. Maybe your friend Tim would be willing to pretend to be your official boyfriend for a while. You could go up to see him and I'd meet you there."

   Cassie wondered if it was possible to hide an affair, even temporarily. For a while. That was what he had said. Could she do it—take the little bit he offered, knowing she would have to let him go eventually? The touch of his hand made her ache for him. Perhaps the ferocity of their desire would burn itself out if she gave it the opportunity, and then parting would be easier. Or perhaps it was an excuse because she couldn't find the strength to send him away. Slipping her arms around his neck, she pulled his head to hers and kissed him fiercely.

   Calder followed her urgings, using his lips to explore her face, her neck, and finally her mouth. He suspected she was avoiding his question, which meant she was going to say no. The only thing left for him was to take whatever she was willing to give and hope it would be enough. As his hand moved upwards to claim her breast, he stopped thinking altogether.

They ended up in front of the fireplace, in a nest of cushions and fleece throws. Cassie had turned out the lights, so the room was lit only by the flickering flames.

   Now the fire was dying down. Calder woke himself from his half-hypnotized state to stir the logs and then found his place next to Cassie again.

   He traced the line of her cheek with one finger. "How long can I stay?"

   She caught his finger between her teeth and nibbled on it. "I don't have anything scheduled for this weekend."

   "Will I be crowding you if I'm here?"

   "No. I'd like that."

   Relief flowed through him. It was only two days, but when they were together like this, he couldn't conceive of a life without her. He had the weekend to find a way to make it work.

CALDER DRUMMED HIS FINGERS on the armrest of the chair as he spoke into the phone. "Dave,
honestly,
this is about a friend. I'm not in any trouble."

   Cassie nervously straightened the journals on her desk. Poor Calder. It had taken him the better part of the morning to convince her to let him make this call, and now it sounded like he was getting a lecture from Dave.

   "It's not about me. Really. I don't even know anyone wanted by the police." Calder glared at the telephone.

   Cassie held out her hand for the receiver. Calder said, "Just a second, Dave." To Cassie, he added, "Are you sure you want to do this?"

   She was far from sure, but she nodded anyway and took the handset. "Dave? This is Cassie Boulton. Tim Ryerson's friend. We've met at your Christmas parties."

   "Of course. How are you?" Dave said.

   "I'm fine. I'm the person Calder's talking about." She tried to cover her anxiety with a veneer of certainty.

   "You are?"

   "Yes, but you don't need to worry about it. It's not important. Calder… It's just bothering Calder. That was why he called."

   "It's no imposition. But what's Calder's involvement here?"

   "He's a friend." She waited through an interminable pause.

   With an air of revelation, Dave said, "Ah. So
you're
Elizabeth, then."

   "No, I'm Cassie." It took her a moment to realize what he meant. "Oh. That Elizabeth. Yes, I suppose I am."

   "We've been wondering who that was. Well, now this makes more sense. So what is this situation he's worked up about? You harbored a fugitive, I take it?"

   "Yes. But nobody knows."

   "Cassie, are you talking to me as a friend or as your lawyer?"

   She flushed. "As a friend."

   "That's the wrong answer. The right answer is 'I'm talking to you as my lawyer, Dave, so you have to hold everything I say under lawyer-client privilege.' It doesn't mean you have to use me as a lawyer."

   "Then I guess I'm talking to you as my lawyer."

   "Good girl. Now you can tell me what happened."

   "My brother was wanted for murder. He stayed with me for almost three months." Her hand gripped the receiver.

   "When was this?" Dave didn't sound disturbed by her confession, but she supposed a lawyer wasn't supposed to sound disturbed.

   "About a year and a half ago."

   "Did you know he was wanted?"

   It took her a moment to find her voice. "Yes."

   "How did you know?"

   "I called my mother. He wouldn't have appeared on my doorstep out of the blue without a reason. She told me the police were looking for him."

   "Did she tell you why?"

   "No. I knew better than to ask."

   "When did you find out?"

   "When the police finally called me, looking for him." She would never forget that moment. Ryan had been sitting across the room from her, and he knew immediately what the call was.

   "What did you tell them?"

   "That he had been there, but he'd left a few days before." She had told them Ryan was going to Baltimore. It was the first place that popped into her mind. They had asked who he knew in Baltimore, and she had said in her most authoritative voice, "I am a college professor. I have a reputation to uphold. Ryan is my brother, but we do not have friends in common."

   After she had hung up, Ryan had hugged her and told her it was time for him to hit the road. She gave him all the cash she had and drove him to the train station.

   "So he'd already left?"

   "No. I lied." Watching Calder pace the room was making her even more nervous.

   "Who knows you weren't telling the truth?" Dave asked.

   "Only Ryan and me."

   "Did anyone know your brother was staying with you?"

   "Lots of people knew, but not why." Ryan had sat in on classes at the college, drinking in every word, reading the textbooks at night. Some of the professors, knowing he was Cassie's brother, had taken time to talk to him and tried to encourage him to enroll at Haverford. No one had any idea he had dropped out of high school years earlier.

   "Anybody who knows he was still with you at that point?"

   "He was at the college with me that day, but I don't think anyone would remember one day as opposed to another."

   "So as far as anyone knows, you cooperated with the police when they called you."

   "I suppose so."

   "What happened to him?"

   "He left then and was arrested a few days later on a disorderly conduct charge. They found out about the warrant in Chicago and shipped him back. He's in prison now. " He had gone straight to Baltimore and made a general nuisance of himself until he was picked up. It was his way of making sure the police never questioned her story.

   "Is there anyone who can testify that you knew he was wanted?"

   "Just Ryan and my mother."

   "Would Ryan testify against you?"

   "No." She and Ryan had always shared a special bond.

   "Your mother?"

   "Not if she knew she shouldn't."

   "Cassie, let me talk it over with one of my partners in criminal law, but this sounds manageable. If they can't prove you knew about the warrant, it isn't harboring. Also, they don't usually bother charging people with harboring unless it's an ongoing thing. The police have plenty of work as it is. If your brother's in prison, it's probably not worth their while to go after you."